I feel kinda weird today. Not sure why or exactly what weird means. I think I have in my mind that I will stop drinking after today. My new sobriety will be January 1st 2015, which is awfully cliche. Still.. somehow. I think liquor stores are closed on new years anyway.
On top of that, weather is looking to be bad tonight. Compared to some people reading this, weather here is nothing compared to yours. The problem is in Texas, USA, we have no snow plows, we don't really salt the roads, we don't do snow tires or chains or any sort of adaptation for winter. So tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be freezing rain/ice, which means the roads will be awful/dangerous. But the temperature won't get below 28 F
I was planning to go to my parents house tomorrow for dinner, but I really hate driving on icy roads. Annoying because I want to do laundry at my parents house because it doesn't require me getting money. Also, generally this sort of weather makes me a bit crazy. Last winter, there were a few days where that I couldn't move my car. There was enough ice around the tires that I could not move it if I wanted to, and I go a bit crazy trapped at home for more than a day. I know as soon as I could drive, I drove to the liquor store.
This is not a desperate need. I went out today and got groceries. Admittedly, I bought an odd variety. If I go shopping while not hungry, I buy odd things. Frozen soft pretzel bites= great. White bean, spinach, feta burrito= not so good. I have a few other things to try. The goal was to have something at least in case I get stuck here.
I am still hoping to stop drinking. I know my behavior does not match that intent, but alcohol has really fucked up my life. I know I cannot keep living this way. I finally went and filled the prescription for blood pressure medication that was prescribed while I was in the hospital. It is not the medicine for detox, but it would help. So I did fill it. I am trying to be aware of how I am feeling and be willing to get help if needed even if it involves hospitalization.
Random, I was slowly making progress with my gerbil. I got her to take a treat from me (not through the bars) without biting. Then I went to add more bedding. My apartment is cold, and I read they like to burrow, so I wanted to add more bedding. Well, she climbed up on the door of the cage, and somehow in the whole event fell from there to the floor. It took a couple attempts to catch her. My cat was more disturbed than interested in catching her. I actually managed to pick her up because she bit and latched onto my finger. Whatever.. I got her back in the cage.
Is it weird that I judge my value as a human being by my ability to care for a rodent? and two felines. Pets in general. In the same way (to a much less extent) my video games reflect who I am. Every outside thing tells me who I am inside. That's the only way I can figure it out.
I did learn a lesson about making sure the gerbil is nowhere near the door of the cage. She is obsessed with escaping, and it is not in her best interest to be free in the apartment. The cage will be guarded. She will get treats (almonds and apple chips I don't think she likes) and I will try to find things to keep her entertained. If I am making this a metaphor for my life, I will not give up. I will try to figure out what is best.
Today I will be happy that while I am drunk, I am safely home in my apartment. While there were some issues, my dear gerbil is back in her cage and seems happy. Everything seems ok, and that is good enough.
I've always thought that as long as my cats (and other assortment of pets) are well cared for, I am not at rock bottom.
ReplyDeleteMe too
DeleteHappy New Years. The weather sounds awful over there. I can't even imagine, I've never even seen snow. We've got 40°c heat over here.
ReplyDeleteBehavior doesn't always match intent. That's the way of addiction and mental illness. It doesn't mean you aren't trying, it means you're struggling.
Have you named your gerbil? They're so adorable, I've gotta say I'm pretty jealous (mum refuses to have rodents or birds in the house). Lucky the cat wasn't interested!
Stay safe on the roads if you do end up driving!
xxxx
Her name (unless I change it) is Stormy. I picked a character name from the same one I picked my cat's name from. Both cats have been around hamsters before at my parent's house, and I don't think they think of them as food.. at least I hope not. I am hoping the gerbil is nicer than my mom's hamsters. She had this one kind of dwarf hamsters, and they were way too fast to pick up and loved to bite if you ever did catch them.
DeleteHappy New Year!
ReplyDeleteY'know, you don't have to Stop Drinking (with a capital S and a capital D.) That's way too much for any of us, really. Just skip a day, that's all. And the next day, do it again. But don't live that next day until it comes. 24 hours sober....that's all you'll ever need.
Also, if Stormy wants out of her cage, you might think about one of those little plastic balls she can roll around your apartment in. My gerbil loved that thing. And it's a lot of fun to watch them zoom around.
Best,
A