To start with a random story about AA. So I was at my sponsor's last night, and I was talking to a man from AA (I mentioned some of this in the last post). Somehow we started talking about me teaching.. don't really remember how. He asked what I teach, and I said it was a biology lab. I always really try to emphasize I'm a graduate student because I don't feel I deserve to be considered a teacher. He asked (everyone does) if I have to dissect animals. I don't. I have when I was in high school, but my classes don't. I teach the 1st half of a 2 semester course. The 2nd semester they do dissections. I commented that I mostly hate the smell of formaldehyde and the preservatives.
That became a discussion between him and my sponsor about formaldehyde and drugs.. like mixed with weed and something else. He asked me something about it since I am "a scientist." My sponsor made the comment that I'm a purist. Alcohol is all I use. It's true. I have never done any other drugs. The meeting I went to today ended up on the topic of abusing pain medication. I was thinking that if anything, my problem with taking medication is just not taking it. I stop taking non-addictive, necessary medications and it does alter how I feel. Depression is comfortable. I talked more than usual and I felt really uncomfortable because I was rambling. Apparently, I wasn't. People laughed at some funny things I said. Someone commented on liking what I shared after the meeting. I really wish I could hear myself like they do. I think what I say gets mixed up in everything else I'm thinking, and it makes me feel crazy.
After the meeting, I ended up going to a craft store with someone from AA. I mentioned the idea of detox. She asked about me going somewhere, and we talked about the issue of money and of where to go. I said I don't feel like it ever helped. She said she thought that too until she was ready. She did say that when people are ready, they are willing to go anywhere. Currently, I obsess about what place will work with me about money. I mentioned that one place I would stop eating. I don't know if I'm ready. I am exhausted. I am depressed. I am becoming aware of my own mortality at times. Mainly that I really don't believe I will survive until May and hopefully graduate. I don't know if it will be alcohol or suicide that does it, but I don't feel like I will live until then. I know that's not a good thought, but I also don't know that I care.
I just wonder when I will be ready. I had thought during the semester that I was ready, but school and work took priority. Now I could go, but I don't feel as miserable. I don't feel as tired. I just don't know. I don't want to waste money on a hospital just to come out and relapse. If I detox outpatient, at least it costs a whole lot less.
My friend said that whenever I was ready, she and my sponsor would do whatever they need to to help. They can take care of my cats. They will support my choice, and it was nice to hear that. I just don't know what to choose right now. I hope at some point it will be clear.
Lately I have been sleeping very late. In part, this is because I am not sober enough to function in the morning. Tonight I am trying to drink what I want but be sober enough in the morning to go to church. This is one of those times that I am very aware that this is not "normal."
No comments:
Post a Comment