I have not been real enthusiastic about seeing anyone lately. Between my attempts at sobriety and my relapse with bulimia, I would love to be left alone. It would also be bad to be left alone. I would still love it.
On December 23rd, I relapsed with drinking. I went through most of a bottle of vodka. I think I blacked out... not real sure. I did go to AA at noon, but then I did a bit of Christmas shopping and went to the liquor store. I did enjoy it, but the next day I regretted it. I had planned this relapse so that if I got rid of the vodka after finishing for the night, I'd be at church too late on christmas eve to buy more, and Christmas liquor stores are closed. I didn't finish the bottle, but I didn't drink the next day.
So Christmas Eve, I was just stressed. I went to AA. Then I needed to exchange presents with my friends and their 2 year old son. I also needed to make food for a church potluck. I was not really sure about the potluck, but I felt I should go. Last year I was in rehab over christmas. The year before.. I remember being late. I don't remember if it was that day or good friday I went outside and started crying before i managed to pull myself together enough to eat.
Well, I was running late with traffic. I stopped to buy ingredients for the fruit salad I was making plus a bowl to mix it in because I forgot to bring one. This day is part of the nativity fast for my church, so the meal is no meat or dairy, which is why I picked fruit. Well, I get to their house and in gathering bags from my car, I drop the bag with the glass bowl in it. I oddly enough have another bowl in the trunk of my car from some occasion or another. There son was throwing a tantrum, so I was in the kitchen for a while before we could do presents. My hands were shaking some, but they hadn't been earlier and they were ok after this, so I don't know if it was alcohol.
Presents were exchanged. I got a cool tshirt. They got some measuring cups and practical stuff. Their son I gave a tricycle. I had meant to buy it for his birthday, but that was while I was unemployed. They liked that. He liked the measuring cups, but I'm sure he'll like the tricycle once assembled.
I survived the potluck. I waited until most people had gone to get food. I was a little uncomfortable because some families had brought wine. The normal Christmas eve liturgy was at 7. Then at around 10, there was a 2nd service. Only about 8 of us stayed for it. I was a little uncomfortable with that few people and with sharing a music stand and books (switching back and forth between 4 booklets) with someone. I declined holding a candle in case my hands would shake. Last Good Friday, the woman sharing the music with me had to hold it because my hands were shaking so badly. It ended up being good. Didn't get home until after midnight.
Christmas day, my sponsor convinced me to help heat up and transfer food to AA for the potluck sort of lunch there. It was frustrating because 1. I was supposed to pick up one woman and sat waiting in my car for over 10 minutes until she was ready 2. The other woman who was supposed to come was around an hour late and 3. my sponsor's boyfriend Kenny was there. He enjoys questioning me and making me talk because I was so quiet for so long. It makes me really uncomfortable at times. He's not inappropriate. I just don't like talking around some people. We managed to get everything ready. I went to the noon meeting and quickly left before the food was served at 1. I had mentioned this to my sponsor (she knows about the ED) but Kenny kind of commented on it. I just said I had to go and gave him a hug when he asked.
The day at my parent's house was ok. There was some drama over not having all the ingredients for one recipe and nowhere being open on Christmas. It all settled eventually. I woke up on the 26th and when my brother got their we opened gifts. I got some nice things. Also got a gift card because one thing I want is a new laptop. I am paying for a portion of it, plus they didn't want to pick for me, so I got a gift card.
After that, my mom and I went searching for another Christmas tree. A small one to add to what they have. We found that, and I had also been talking about buying a gerbil. Well, originally I wanted a rat, but I guess you're usually supposed to have a pair or a lot of free time. Plus, I'd need a new/bigger cage. I didn't want a hamster because the big ones are not that cute, and the dwarf ones are mean. Like enjoy the taste of human flesh mean (my mom had one and then a pair of another kind later). So I wanted a gerbil. My mom still had the hamster cage since her last one died (old age), so I just needed food, bedding, and the gerbil. We looked at 1 pet store, but I didn't like the ones there very much. I also kinda wanted a female (if you've seen male hamsters you'd understand why visually females are preferable). We went to a 2nd store, and I picked one out.
I took her home and set up the cage and put her in. I tried feeding her part of a carrot later, and she bit me pretty hard. For now, I am not picking her up until she is less stressed. She has a nice cage, bedding, food, plus the carrot piece I dropped and a piece of graham cracker I dropped in after the rid home.
So I survived 3 days of friends, strangers, and family. I am drinking tonight, so maybe not survived well. I was stressed in part because I didn't leave my parent's house until after 10. I also looked at the weather forecast and I am supposed to have a wedding to go to tomorrow, and it is also supposed to rain. The front tires on my car are awful and need to be replaced. I made an appointment to go tomorrow.
So I am drinking. I hate my car. I am hoping the gerbil chills out.. but not expecting that to be instant considering she now lives with 2 cats that cannot reach the cage, but she can hear.
So a couple bad photos. My phone camera is being weird, and she doesn't stand still.The cage is on one of my bookshelves with protective books beside it so even if my cat could reach the top shelves, he has no place to jump. I think her name is Stormy. Both her and Odd would then be named after the same series of books (Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz)
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