Detox stay- the rest of it

Everything kinda blends together when locked inside one building for 10 days, so I can't really give a day by day account (if anyone would care to read that anyway).

I will say that I am so glad to be home now where nobody wakes me up in the middle of the night. I'd usually get my meds around 9ish. 9 is the scheduled time, but I'd try to get them a bit earlier as an excuse to miss the wrap up group (where you go over what goals you accomplished that day) if it actually happened. I'd go shower and sit in bed reading. I'd fall asleep around 10 or 11. Then during the night I would be woken up at least once to take Librium. So if I took it at 9 I would be woken up at 1am and 5am the first couple days. Then when it was every 6 hours, I'd just be woken up once at 3. I'd be woken at least once for vitals.. usually once during the night and once around 5. Then depending on if I went back to sleep, the nurse would wake me to take my synthroid at around 6. Sometimes I'd be up and dressed by 6. Also, on 3 different nights they woke me to draw blood. I still have 2 small bruises and one pretty large one from that.

Breakfast alternated between eating oatmeal and cottage cheese, skipping breakfast, or eating and purging it. Dinner was the only meal I consistently went to, but it was still either restricting or purging most days. Sometimes restricting was just because the food was bad.

Groups.. The morning we had process group where you talk about whatever is going on with you. I never really had a lot to say.. I guess I've been in enough therapy that I didn't have issues to talk through.. other people had family problems, legal problems, plus the one who wanted to become a serial killer (that was an uncomfortable group). I would talk some about the self harm just because I knew if the therapist would find out if I had told one of the nurses. Same way I would tell the doctor because she would find out from someone else. Better to tell them myself than try to hide it.

Next group was meant to be education of some sort.. over addiction. It was weird because when I gave feedback in process group I might mention 12 step/AA concepts or portions from the big book I might remember. Because of this, any time the therapist might bring up a step, she'd look at me usually to actually recite what the step was. Doesn't it seem like a substance abuse therapist should have the steps mostly memorized if she encourages people to join AA? I mean the stuff from the big book I mostly have picked up from the strange people in meetings who seemed to have pages memorized. I think I might be becoming one of them.

Afternoons started with activity therapy which was yoga or exercise or some kind of game. I usually read or slept through those hours. There was another group about cognitive stuff, which consisted of filling out this big packet one beliefs, principles, goals, etc. On a couple occasions this made me cry because I suck at making goals for my life, I really lack many of the strengths I want, and I guess I really don't always want life, which made this all hard. So I'd go back to my room and cry.

Evenings were AA, dinner, and visitation. First visit from my parents went terribly. My mom was angry I hadn't talked to them about how I was struggling so much and only told them a few hours before going to treatment. She kept making statements like "you've been driving drunk" which I said isn't true because I drink alone at home at night (I neglected the whole morning issue) and she asked if I was teaching drunk, which I really had not been. She asked if I was drinking everyday.. which I mean.. don't most alcoholics? I tried to explain (while crying) that I didn't tell her because she blames me for becoming an alcoholic because I know I have an "addictive personality." I'm sorry, but knowing that does not mean I knew I would be drinking 15-20 shots of vodka everyday and really wishing it would just kill me. I managed to stop cutting and stop the bulimia at least for long periods of time, so it was not absolute in my mind that alcohol was going to become this bad. I tried to explain (still crying) how bad our family was at communicating when I was a child. How she would give the silent treatment (her defense was yes she wouldn't speak to my dad in order to not make fights worse) or they would yell. I think maybe she eventually understood that as a child, that was how I viewed conflict as being handled. Either silence or anger. Anyway, horrible visit.

My sponsor visited the next day, and that was nice. I also called her at least once a day. I told a few other friends I was there but didn't call them or ask them to visit. I honestly prefer not to be visited much. It's exhausting.

The psychiatrist didn't really change medication much. I had her put me on something for anxiety during the day. I explained to both her and the nice nurses that I do NOT like loud noise (again an issue with listening to arguments as a child) or crowded areas (social anxiety I guess). They seemed ok with me spending time in my room, and I did on a couple occasions also take an as needed anti-anxiety medication. Usually because of incidences involving other patients yelling at each other or staff. I did start lying to the psychiatrist eventually about the self harm and the self harm thoughts because I knew she wouldn't let me go home if I admitted to still having problems with them. The thoughts did get less as did behaviors, but they never fully go away. I admitted to purging a couple of meals, but I did not admit to the rest of it. I haven't purged since discharged, and I really knew that it mainly becomes a vicious cycle when I am inpatient and eating in an uncomfortable environment or when I am stressed and using it to cope. Plus, they were by no means equipped to treat bulimia or offer any support, so if she made me stay longer it wouldn't have improved.

So I think that's the best I can summarize it. I'm still sober. I am not entirely sure I want to be sober anymore. I've been going to AA. I've been talking in AA. I became very aware last night how uncomfortable I am with people paying attention to me and listening to me and knowing things about me. My sponsor is dating the guy I previously mentioned, Kenny (if I used his name), and both of us were at her house last night. He started asking me about treatment and commenting on how I seemed different. I mentioned that the drinking was better but other problems were bad while inpatient.. which got us onto the self harm topic (I said I was uncomfortable bringing up the other behavior). He (and my sponsor at this point) started asking why I wanted to self harm and would not let me give excuses or evade the question. I could not seem to make eye contact with Kenny at this point. I finally said there was a reason I was not willing to tell him. He asked if I had told my sponsor, which I hadn't, and if I would if he left the room. And I think that will be a future post.

So him asking me things made me really uncomfortable. I also recently cut and dyed my hair and several people (both men and women) at AA have complimented me on it, which is also making me uncomfortable. I think I would very much like to go back to being unnoticed and silent for a while, and I'm afraid that's not going to happen now that people know I am sober and capable of expressing myself.