Over the past year or so, my list of friends has dwindled to only a very few that I actually ever see. I think alcohol plays a large role in this because I generally prefer to spend my evenings drinking alone. Anything that interferes with that makes me anxious or irritated. For a long time, I saw two of my friends (and their son) weekly, but that hasn't been happening as often.
Some of this is that I go to AA so much or I get wrapped up with school, and I just don't have the energy to interact with people. This friend I have known for at least a decade and her husband for 6 years or so. She has watched me through every addiction. She was there in high school when the self harm started. She was there in college when the bulimia started. She was there when the alcoholism started. She's seen me go in and out of treatment and hospitals.
The thing is that she still doesn't understand the reality of this. Sometime last year, I had asked to stay at their house for a few days to stop drinking. She started asking me about going to treatment. She was talking about going somewhere longer term.. not just a couple weeks. She's brought it up periodically since then. I was there Christmas Eve, and I was admittedly shaking.. I had drank one or two days since leaving the hospital, which is a LOT less than I had before. I really was just unsteady in general because of stress. Anyway, she and her husband would ask how I was doing. She does it with this facial expression that looks like pity or something. It makes me think of how people look at children. I was trying to say that I had been doing better. That things were ok because things really were going better. I also just really didn't want to talk about it. I really feel judged when I talk to them. I get that I have been very, very sick, but I don't think they see any progress.
Sometime she asked about grad school and if I was considering long term treatment after graduation. She does NOT understand the financial problems involved. I owe a few thousand dollars to a couple hospitals already. If I graduate and go to treatment
1. I would not be working to pay rent
2. I would not be working to have health insurance
3. I would not have any way to pay for treatment
She mentioned someone she worked with (I think that's who it was) going for several months to a treatment center. It was one of the treatment centers that doesn't take insurance. She does not understand the tens of thousands of dollars that costs.
Another friend I ate lunch with Saturday. She was asking about how things are. I couldn't even make eye contact. I hate when people ask if they could help because I know they can't. I hate that searching look when people try to figure out if I'm lying. She asked if I was considering going to rehab, and I just don't have time to go now. Even if I could afford it.
Really, I hate these questions because even I don't know what the fuck I should be doing. I am scared. I would absolutely love to be able to stop my life and go away somewhere. I would love to have someone else in control. I would love to have the money to go to a nice treatment center and not worry about insurance giving out. I would love to do what my friends are asking. It just isn't possible. On the 12th school starts again and I start working.
I am so tired. I am purging more and more. Today I didn't eat until almost 8pm, so my stomach is upset. I had planned to drink, but I've only had a few shots because I feel sick.
I went to 2 AA meetings today. I do wonder why I go. The meeting at 6 my mind was having this argument because I desperately wanted to drink but I also desperately did not want to eat anything. (the story at the end might help explain why I didn't feel like eating). The chairperson was a guy I really don't like, but he was nice today. He asked quietly if I wanted to share rather than just calling on me. He always calls on me. I think he thinks I can't speak because I never talk at the meetings he chairs. He's also been an asshole in other ways. I left and got vodka and got dinner, but I think made a poor choice about where to go. Yesterday, I went to a freaking buffet to binge at lunch time. I also purged my actual lunch.
I hate my life. I really do. I've been feeling a bit suicidal today. Driving I would think about swerving into oncoming traffic. I have this obsession with feeling the veins in my arms. Wondering how far below the skin they are. I am not going to do something, but the thoughts are there.
*trigger warning/ gross story*
I guess I did get sick last night. Not entirely sure how much I drank, but I apparently vomited on the floor of my bedroom, so I got to try to clean that up today. My apartment is in such terrible shape, and I don't even know where to start on cleaning. I honestly think I drink sometimes to feel better about that.
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