First, the campfire thing. Yesterday my sponsor wanted to go to a campsite where some guy from AA was camping with his sons. He invited a bunch of us to hang out and eat. I did not want to go, but my sponsor didn't care. She also took her 2 daughters, and a few other people I know went.
It was kinda dark, which was messing with my mind and making everything seem surreal. This has happened before when detoxing, so I mentioned it to my sponsor. I did OK eating. I had a hotdog and half a sweet potato.
Then we sat around the campfire for an AA meeting. I did fine for a while. I had started feeling depressed earlier in the day, and staring at the fire started making it worse. I kept thinking of sticking my hand or foot in the fire or burning myself somehow. The thoughts kept getting worse, but I didn't want to get up while someone was talking. Finally, the guy finished. I moved my chair back and got up. My sponsor was watching me and said my name. I had already cried some, so I am sure I was visibly upset. I said I was going for a walk. I walked away from the campsite and behind some trees. I promptly started crying uncontrollably. One of my friends came and was talking to me. I really had no idea what to say. She was leaving to take her little brother home.
I finally went back. My sponsor asked if I was ready to go. I started sobbing. She asked what was wrong. I remember her saying "I need adjectives" because I wasn't saying anything. She hugged me, the hypnosis guy (see previous update) hugged me, even some random little kid asked what was wrong.
I was calm when we got back to her house. I had been debating if I could convince her to take me back to my place. I made a weak attempt at asking and she said no. I knew it was a bad idea because I was still self destructive, but I tried. She made me listen to some meditation on youtube which was dumb, and then we watched tv.
Today I managed to get back to my apartment to check on my cats then she took me back to her house. She was/is opposed to me having my car, but at least I got to use my own shower, and I intentionally did not bring any changes of clothes back with me. I intend to go home tonight.
We discussed plans for this week. She's decided to give me a key to her house, so I have a "safe place" to go if I need it. Apparently her daughters like having me around. I'm happy about this because I really hate being alone in my apartment sometimes.
We went grocery shopping, my sponsor bought Coke Zero for me to drink while at her house. I tried to get her to let me pay for it, and she wouldn't. I think I may make her cookies or something because I hate her spending money on me. I mean feeding me is bad enough, but it's a little better because she's feeding me the same meal she's cooking for her family. I'm the only one who drinks diet soda. I don't think my sponsor is entirely fond of me drinking diet soda. She's hypoglycemic, and I think she's convinced I am too.. or it may be that she's aware that I skip meals or will spend 8-9 hours at school without eating. Which is mostly poor planning and never buying groceries for myself.
She cooked dinner there and I ate with her and her daughters. I like the older one better because I can hold normal conversations with her. The younger is very sweet and actually looked a little sad when I said I was going home, but I am not used to children or people with that much energy. Earlier I had showed her a couple games on my tablet and I watched a movie with her. I am just awkward interacting with people in general outside of meetings or school.
I told her (the daughter) that I'd be back sometime this week. I am still questioning the issue of boundaries when it comes to being there. I mean, I guess if the kids like me, it isn't a problem? I talk to them if they talk to me. My sponsor will tell them to do things. I do not get involved in any of that. I mean.. if they were doing something dangerous, I might say something or tell my sponsor, but I am not in any way involved with the rest. I consider myself just an extra body in the house that tries to get in the way as little as possible.
I am home again. She wanted to go to an 8pm meeting, but I said I didn't want to. It honestly wasn't an objection to meetings, but while I was there I stayed up late and woke up early. I was up before her today because one of her daughters walked into the living room where I was sleeping and I couldn't fall back asleep.. which is not a big deal, but I'm tired and I have school tomorrow.
I explained that and she agreed. I mentioned when she was driving me back that I tried this weekend not to be argumentative, and she said that I did well. She told me (and I had assumed this was the case) that I was free to leave at any point during the weekend, but she had instructed the other women aware that I was staying with her not to drive me home. She lives less than 1.5 miles from me, and I had actually wondered about that while trying to fall asleep.. mainly the exact distance and the easiest way to get there. I had no intention of doing it, but I was curious.
I got home a little after 8 and said I would probably be there Tuesday, which we had discussed. I am happy to be back in my apartment. In her house, I feel a little in the way. I mean.. today I was either watching tv or on the couch with my tablet. But I am in someone else's home/space, and there are 3 other people around all the time. I need a break from people.. and it's nice to be in an apartment where nothing I do directly affects anyone else. All I've really done is watch tv and print out papers for school tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment