Slipping

I made it through the weekend ok.. well.. sorta. I slept at my sponsor's friday. In the morning she was going shopping with her mother, which was awesome because I got to sleep. I slept till 11, which was mainly because I didn't fall asleep until around 3am. Still not succeeding at sleeping.

Went to the women's meeting in the afternoon. I managed not to have to go to any other meetings because my sponsor cooked dinner. I felt a little bad because she made hamburgers, and I am really weird about meat being fully cooked.. and mine was a tad rare. I picked off some pieces to eat trying to eat enough that I could claim I just wasn't hungry.. and I wasn't hungry. Plus, she put onions in them which was also a bit gross. She didn't say anything about me not finishing, so hopefully she didn't care.

We watched tv, and she got into an argument with one of her daughters.. and actually the younger one too because she kept bothering us (and we were watching something fairly violent). Anyway, it was super uncomfortable.. and weird. The argument was about makeup remover wipes and how the daughter kept leaving them open and was saying they didn't work, while my sponsor said they worked fine. She told her daughter she would have to start buying her own if she left them open (or something not sure of the whole argument). Then her daughter starts yelling about how she's saving her money for college because there won't be enough money. Her daughter is only 13, so this is very early to be that upset, but I'm guessing this is a teenager overreacting thing. Honestly, my parents helped for living expenses but they didn't save money to pay tuition for me or my brother.. but I just stayed out of it.

Anyway, it was tense.. so I was happy to leave at around 10. My sponsor asked if I was going to hurt myself, and I said no. She asked if I was ok, and I said yes. I knew the 2nd one was a lie. I had this sinking feeling walking to my car. It might be the weather getting cold or me being tired or just depression, but I had this feeling I should go back and stay another night. I didn't. I went home, and I did cut.

Monday I didn't do so well. After I finished teaching I went to the liquor store. I knew ahead of time I was going to do it, and I didn't call anyone. I just wanted to. I went home and drank (16 shots of vodka). My sponsor texted me that I should go to a meeting and then just go to bed, and I texted her that I had gone to the liquor store. I also ordered pizza and overate. I had breadsticks and chicken wings and a slice of pizza plus a piece of cake. I ended up purging because I felt sick. Then Tuesday morning I threw up again twice.. not sure if it was a hangover or because I didn't have enough food in my stomach. I felt miserable yesterday. I kept feeling either really warm or really cold, and I felt nauseous which means I really didn't try to eat much.

I haven't had a drink since Monday, but I want one really bad. I don't even know why, but I guess it was a break from the depression and self destructing. I have been annoyed because this one woman keeps calling me.. she texted me yesterday about how long I had been sober and then she called when I didn't respond. I admitted about the slip. She then called to nag me about going to a meeting in the evening. I actually was grading papers at my sponsor's house and finished right before 6, but I just didn't go because I didn't feel well. I stayed for dinner (I really didn't want to eat but she made a plate for me when she fed her daughters), and I did go to a meeting at 8. Same woman has called 3 times today and texted me.. and it's really pissing me off. She's a nice person, but I really don't feel like talking to anyone sometimes and especially if people keep bothering me. I am still tired.

It was weird last night though.. I stopped at the pharmacy to pick up a couple prescriptions, and the guy said that there were 3 ready for me. He commented on the price of them.. that one was $4 and the others were around $30. Now.. I had no idea what the 3rd prescription was. I didn't even ask (that's the kinda screwed up part of this story) because it was only $4, so I just paid for all 3. It ended up being for Trazadone.. and a higher dose than I remember taking. I looked today and the last time it was filled was in July, and I don't remember seeing it when I looked at prescriptions online. But I have been trouble sleeping, and I took this to help me sleep.. so that's good? It's not an addictive prescription, and it was prescribed (at some point) by my current psychiatrist. It was just weird.

I have a tendency to hoard medications, which is probably why I paid for it without asking. It's also why I was surprised I didn't know about it because I would probably have filled it at some point if it was there because any of the medications for anxiety or sleep I will fill and just keep. I have a bunch of gabapentin that is a higher dose than I am currently prescribed. I also filled the lower dose and haven't taken that. I have bottles of antidepressants I haven't taken in a while. For a while I had a bunch of trazadone I got from a friend. I have had anti-nausea medication for over a year because my doctor gave me 30 pills and I only took 1 at the time.

Definitely have a problem.. I've had to lie to a psychiatrist in the hospital and claim someone threw out my stockpile of pills because he didn't want me going home and having them there. I didn't have anyone throw them out. I thought I just didn't want to inconvenience anyone, but probably I wanted to keep them.