Decision made... now panic

I have lately been pretty good at convincing myself I am not blacking out at night.. that I remember going to be. Maybe I just fell asleep watching something on my tablet rather than not remembering watching it. I think I remember showering and taking my meds.

In all honesty, this isn't true. At least not everyday true. I woke up during the night and went to the bathroom, and I saw that my shower curtain had fallen or been pulled down. The rod it's on was a pain to get to stay up, but I'm sure it didn't just fall down. I'm not sure if I pulled on it or if I fell. I don't seem to have any noticeable bruises.

Then I go to leave this morning and there's a bag of trash by the front door that I don't remember putting there. There's food on my desk I don't remember leaving there. Lots of stuff.

And of course I am shaking really badly. I had to be at school for office hours at 1:30 and I teach at 3:30. I had the brilliant idea to drink a few shots of vodka with breakfast/lunch before going. I had 3 shots of vodka and a popsicle before school (amazed I didn't throw up) and then a yogurt when I got there. I was still shaking.

This took some time to process. At school I sat around doing nothing particularly productive. After a while, I texted my sponsor about drinking before school and that waiting another week was probably a bad idea. I couldn't call her at that point because I was at school all day. I finally called around 6 when I finished teaching.

I explained about blacking out and drinking during the day. She asked what I wanted the plan to be and we could compare ideas. I said I wanted to go to therapy and my parents tomorrow, and that i needed to go to school for an hour Friday. Otherwise, I had no idea.

She asked if I planned to drink tomorrow. I said I would probably drink before I go to my parents house. She asked if I could limit it to 5 drinks tomorrow. Then Friday one of the women from AA would spend the morning with me while my sponsor was working, and then I'd spend the day with my sponsor. She said she wanted me to sleep there, and I agreed. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow if i think I can't stop at 5 drinks (because detoxing over the weekend would be harder if i drank a lot tomorrow) and she'd come get me.

This is all really overwhelming, and I really am not sure I want to stop drinking.. but I think the fear is getting bad enough that I want to try. This seems better than a lot of alternative plans. As far as I know (and I trust her) my sponsor has only told 2 other women, and I'm fine with them. One I have hung out with after/between meetings. The other I haven't seen as much, but she drove me to the hospital the last time and sat with me for over an hour waiting for my intake appointment.

Staying at my sponsor's house and eating at my sponsor's house is definitely going to be uncomfortable. I am grateful she's offering to do this though. I never doubted she cared about me, but I have worried many times that she wouldn't want to be my sponsor since I never call or still drink. I think in some ways she is probably surprised I agreed to do it and am not trying to negotiate every detail.

Honestly, I've given up. And the options for giving up are drinking myself to death or trusting her. And drinking myself to death has proven quite hard and slow, and the lying and denial is exhausting. For this, I just have to be carted around by people from AA, fed, and given a place to sleep that is not a horrible mess filled with vodka bottles like my apartment. Thinking about it that way, it doesn't sound too bad. I remind myself I can always drink again if I want to because the idea of taking my last drink forever or my last trip to the liquor store is scary as hell. This is just a weekend. I can do a weekend.