Update

Going inpatient today. I got cornered at the noon meeting by my ex-sponsor and 2 others about needing to go.. so yeah. It was pretty awful. I know this is right, but to be told that. Plus, they made a big deal about the cutting, especially the ones on my wrist that they can see. My ex-sponsor is going to the appointment with me, which means I have to be honest or she will for me. I can tell she's been upset over this. She hasn't slept the past couple nights apparently. I'll update when I get out.

Fear and resentment

Going to try to keep this short, so I don't just repeat myself. Things are still not going very well. I tried texting my sponsor yesterday asking for my meds back. She texted yes to the question and then called and said that she would give them to my parents if I didn't want her to have them, but she was most definitely not giving them to me. I don't want my parents that involved, so I just said to keep them. She said she is not walking away from me , just changing her position. As a friend, she still cares and loves me and wants what's best for me.

Honestly, I asked her again about the meds today.. she's going to say no, but I want to try. I feel like I need a back up plan. A way out. It's going to be that or alcohol, and I'd rather have the pills around because I will either just take them or OD. They can't affect my sobriety. Alcohol as the backup plan can go wrong in other ways.

I am still struggling with wanting to tell my sponsor how she upset me. I don't know if that would help. I don't want to hurt her. I just want her to see that telling me to find a new sponsor 1. In the middle of starting my 4th step and 2. Right after telling her I feel like I'm dragging people down.. has a huge impact. But I don't want her to feel responsible for anything I might do in the near future because honestly things were bad before this happened. Now, I just don't feel I have anyone to be fully honest with about it.

I was so close to texting her last night. I am scared. The cutting is bad. The thoughts are bad. Things are bad. I just don't know what to do about it. I want to hold out until the psychiatrist appointment on Thursday because if I have to reschedule, it will probably take another month to get in. After that, maybe hospital is best. I honestly don't see myself getting out of this. I didn't text her. There was nothing she could do, and it was late enough she was probably asleep. I don't want to hurt people anymore. If they can't help me feel better, why tell them? They can't really keep me safe.

So I'm rambling, and I said I would keep this short. I am going to a meeting and then work and then we will see.

Toxic

I was debating writing this tonight or waiting, but I am in bed and not tired.. so why not.
I guess I will go through events in sequence. I woke up and got ready. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka. I went to an AA meeting with vodka in the trunk of my car.
After the meeting, I was expecting to work on my 4th step with my sponsor because I had started earlier in the week and she had mentioned doing my 5th step this weekend. I didn't think I was ready (mentally or with writing) for that. So she pulls me aside after the meeting, and I expect it to be about that. Instead, she tells me she wants me to choose another sponsor. She says her emotional sobriety isn't good enough or she wouldn't be in so much turmoil. She wants to be friends.. but not my sponsor.

So this is horrible in a variety of ways
I finally started redoing my 4th step, and she decided this after I gave her the fear and resentment lists.. so my non-sponsor has those, and I have to restart when I find someone else.
I just told her Friday that I felt like a sinking ship and that I was dragging people down with me. I do not see any way to interpret this except that I am causing her pain and affecting her sobriety. It seems like right when I was finally able to be honest with her about so much with the depression, she decides this. So honesty clearly didn't get me anywhere. All it did was hurt her and others around me and leave me alone.

I spent the day with a friend because essentially she wouldn't let me go home alone after this. I broke down in tears because this confirms all my fears about being toxic and selfish and how I need to pull away from people. If I had gone home, probably it would have been bad. Anyway, she said this isn't about me and not to internalize it, but she also repeatedly said that she and my ex-sponsor are scared for me and don't want to watch me die. That translates to me causing them pain. I tried to explain the 4th step and the honesty stuff.. but she doesn't get how hard communication is now.

I got my meds for the week, but I later texted my ex-sponsor that I'm not going to text her about taking them anymore, and I would like to have control of them back. I think that's part of how she got too wrapped up in my life and feeling responsible for keeping me safe. It might be a terrible idea, but I just want her to have the option to be free. Tomorrow I may see if I can get the rest. Her response was she wishes she was stronger, and I just said it's not about that. I need to be able to take care of myself. I am kind of upset about her saying that. I don't know if she realizes how much she's hurting me because she's making this about her. She's the one who left a seriously suicidal, depressed alcoholic with no sponsor. I wonder if she is distancing herself in case I do die. That would be smart. It's just painful as hell for me. I already feel hopeless, but I have really been taking steps to stay alive. I have been texting. I have called a few times. I wrote the lists. I have gone to meetings. I have tried. I seriously want to give up now. I definitely don't want to be honest anymore

Still surviving

I feel like I should periods post that I'm still alive and not in the hospital (given what I've been writing lately). So, yes, I am still here. It is still a challenge. I have done good and bad things in the past few days. I have been good and given my sponsor a couple stashes of pills that I had.. first the regular stuff (allergy and non-prescription sleeping pills) and today the small stash of wellbutrin. The bad there is that I had those things. Good is going a few days without purging. Bad is probably restricting on those days. Bad is deciding to cut my wrist again to see how deep I was willing and able to go. The answer is apparently not very deep, but it's definitely going to scar. Bad is sitting in my car outside the liquor store again today. Good is not going inside.

So yeah.. I really think I need to be in the hospital. The holding a razor to my wrist every night thing seems bad. The wondering what 10 wellbutrin might do is bad.  I can almost justify just trying it to see what happens because obviously I wasn't trying to die, right? Not good thinking. My sponsor told me I looked tortured the other day. I just feel like I'm better off waiting to see the psychiatrist since she can change my meds,  and that's all they would do inpatient. Seeing her would just be a whole lot cheaper. I don't know...
But yes, I'm alive.

Doing better?

So Wednesday was a rather bad day. I went to AA, went shopping, parked my car outside the liquor store and stared at it. This was just for a few minutes, and then I decided to go buy the drugstore to get a soda and maybe more sleeping pills (decided those were cheaper at the grocery store) and then went to work. My sponsor texted later and asked how I was doing. I mentioned the liquor store thing, and she basically said to pack my bags because I was going to the hospital Friday. I said I didn't want to go on a Friday (for somewhat valid reasons). She said we'd sleep on it.

Thursday I felt somewhat better. I had therapy, which I did not enjoy. I tried to explain about maybe going inpatient for the suicidal thoughts. She said those will never get better unless I work on the eating disorder. I mean.. yes the eating disorder is bad for the depression, but it's not going to get better if I kill myself. I said I needed meds that work, and she made some comment about how my meds don't work because I'm purging. I only purge at night, so many hours after taking the wellbutrin and before taking the night meds. I never purge again after that, so the meds should be in my system. Anyway.. it was all pointless. I think we kind of agreed to disagree on everything. I know that I need to stop purging, but right now that isn't my top concern.
Then later I talked to my sponsor and said I was feeling better and wanted to give the new medication a couple more days before thinking about hospital again. She said fine as long as I'm honest about things like sitting outside the liquor store. I was talking with her on the phone while binge shopping.. part of me was mildly concerned that I felt better because I was going to b/p after 2 days without.

Well today is where things get confusing. I got up and went to a meeting. Before going, I took my normal dose of levothyroxine plus a dose I missed a few days ago (I chose to keep the pills instead of taking it that night).. so double my dose. I then took a diet pill and 2 bronkaid/ephedrine.. and after the meeting another diet pill. In my head the whole time wondering if this would stress out my heart and not having any logical reason to do it. Then I went shopping. I bought cat food but then went to 2 other stores.. the first is this store that sells all cheap things (under $5) where I went to get drinks for work. I also stopped to look at shot glasses. I picked up several cute ones, but they were plastic and something seems wrong with plastic shot glasses. I then went to Ross to look at wallets.. and shot glasses. This time I was looking at glass ones, but I really wished I didn't have to buy 6.. 6 is a number you buy if you're using them. I just wanted one to hide away somewhere. So I didn't buy any..
Again later at Walmart, I looked at some cheap plastic ones and talked myself out of them. I wondered if they would have individual glass ones, so I checked several other places in the store (seasonal, the party supplies, and by the beer) just out of curiosity. No luck. I am not sure what would have happened if I found one.

But I am thinking that someone who is doing better and is not feeling suicidal would not have spent this much time looking at shot glasses today. So we will see what happens tomorrow when I actually have free time... 

Update

So I saw my psychiatrist today. My sponsor went with.. it went about how I expected. I told him things were going badly. He said he figured and that I had treatment resistant depression and that's why he recommended TMS. I tried to continue explaining what I meant by going badly.. and only ever managed to get in that I'm having obsessive thoughts and some are suicidal. This is because he basically just said we can try this new medication and it doesn't have many side effects. He never asked me to elaborate on the suicidal thoughts thing or asked about any other behaviors. I asked about the wellbutrin I'm on which is not recommended for people who purge frequently. He said it's ok if I'm not purging frequently, and my sponsor clarified that I am. So he said I can stop taking it.. not to taper off. Just to stop. Then he changed his mind because some of my other meds are also anti-seizure, so I should just take the wellbutrin and the new antidepressant . What the hell?

My sponsor kept laughing afterwards. We walked out, and I just turned to her and said "Do you see why I'm changing doctors?" He basically doesn't give a duck, and I could barely get him to shut up so I could tell him what was going on.

I took the new med today. I hope it helps. Well, part of me does. Part of me has given up. I felt more sad today, and I think I don't believe this will get better soon. I bought a box of sleeping pills for no apparent reason. I am just tired.

I realized that when this was all starting (the downward spiral), I had a couple days when I would cry if anyone mentioned loving me or wanting me around. I didn't want to be around and it hurt for them to care. Now I hear them say they love me and care and worry, and I don't feel anything. I love my sponsor, but I haven't even been thinking in all this obsession about other people. I feel very distant from people sometimes.

Tonight, I am just tired.

Fear

Writing this at work because we are super slow tonight, and I have nothing to do but much on my mind. I survived Saturday, which I intended to.. but I spent pretty much all day with a friend until after 9 (when liquor stores close and when I had to meet my sponsor to get another week of meds). She drove, so I didn't have the option of leaving. I told her why I needed this and the whole obsession over drinking and dying.. so she knew not to leave me alone.

Yesterday I went to work for maybe an hour.. and then there was nothing to do, so they let us go. I went to a meeting and then to buy binge food. I discussed with the friend Saturday that it was hard for me to express to my psychiatrist how I am doing. It isn't that I lie. If I am asked a question, I will answer, but I am not one to volunteer information if not asked. Sometimes this is to avoid people knowing things. In his case, I just don't think he listens. We discussed maybe taking a list of what's going on so I won't forget what he needs to know when I go tomorrow. I texted my sponsor last night to see if she would help me, so I would have an objective opinion. This made me nervous because she doesn't/didn't know everything going on.

Well we went to write it, and this plan changed to her going with me. I explained the rest of the obsessive suicidal thoughts because she asked what kind of medication I thought I needed. I really don't know, but I said it isn't just a depression thing.. it's a complete obsession over certain thoughts and ideas. I've been told it's an OCD thing to have these intrusive thoughts. She really seemed more interested in me going inpatient, and she didn't like my assurance that I don't think I will do anything. I mean I have never attempted suicide. Anyway, we agreed on the compromise of her going to the appointment.. if my psychiatrist insists on me going inpatient, then I don't really have a choice. If not, I have until Friday to see if any medication starts to help, and if the thinking is as bad, she wants me to go then.

Honestly, she is probably right. I still haven't told anyone about the little stash of pills (now it's 11 Wellbutrin and 1 Lamictal), but I will probably just admit it tomorrow. I have been debating if I could cut the seroquels in half and take half and save half, but I haven't tried this. I can see that my thinking is in a dangerous place. Some of the thoughts make sense. The whole drinking thing really has to be put off until a weekend, or the plan needs to be revamped since I doubt I'll be left alone any Saturday soon.. since my sponsor is aware of this thought now.

But for now I need to just make it through the appointment tomorrow and hope the doctor is able to help.

Where to start? Or not to start

Sorry again for how depressing everything I write is lately. I really think my thoughts are more bad than good these days.

The good news is I do have a psychiatrist appointment Tuesday. It's with the current one that I dislike, but I knew he could see me faster than a new doctor. I am not really sure what to tell him other than he needs to listen because clearly the medication isn't working. Only problem is that I am not currently convinced he can make it better.

Bad news is that my head is still obsessing. I added the thought that any hotel I pick (for drinking myself to death.. more in prior post) should probably have a fridge or better yet a freezer because I don't drink warm vodka. I could get a cooler with ice, but that's annoying. Then this big obsession I have had before about how people will find out if I die. How do people know who to tell? I mean family is usually notified but my parents don't know my coworkers or friends, so who would they tell. I have thought about this when not suicidal too. I feel I should make a list with names and numbers and I could carry it in my wallet or leave it somewhere obvious in the apartment. I could create a list in my phone. I had convinced myself this was a reasonable thing to do, but I haven't done it.
I also had the urge to stop at the liquor store today. I feel like if I do, the idea would become a plan, or I would simply relapse without the guts to try this. I didn't go. It also occurred to me that I don't own shot glasses now, so I would need that too. I thought that would be a place to start.
I have thought again about inpatient. I really feel like I need someone to make me go because I can't do it. I can't decide when it's necessary. I am scared of the cost. I am scared of having to tell my parents. I am scared nobody will take this seriously. I am also reminded of the brilliant (sarcasm) thought that I should cut my wrist because it would look nice. I knew this made no sense. I knew I would have to hide it. I knew it was dumb and crazy. I still did it, and then I decided to add a bit more.. and the point is that eventually I stopped caring that I knew the thought was crazy. What does that mean when it comes to these thoughts?
So I will tell my doctor Tuesday and try to tell someone at least part of it before then.

The idea

So I should probably warn that this could be triggering in some way. I just feel like typing it out rather than keeping it in my head.

I have been brainstorming this idea for a few days. I am not sure when it started because it was originally just the general question in my mind "if I drank the way I used to, I wonder if it would now kill me?"
I  have been sober over a year, and I wonder if my tolerance is lower now. I was drinking amounts that could cause alcohol poisoning in some people.

So that's where this started. Could I actually drink myself to death? Could I drink a liter of vodka or would I pass out too soon or throw up or would I simply black out and wake up healthy. If I failed and wake up healthy, no real harm done. If I die, I die. The worry is making a mess of my apartment.. puking on things. So maybe I could get a hotel room. That way I would be where nobody could find me and where my apartment was not involved. I could bring liquor and food and make a night of it. I could if I want leave a note at the apartment of where I am, so when people come looking they can find me, but there will be a delay. I would leave food and water for the cats. I could plan it to where I have a week's worth of meds, so that can go along with the alcohol. I just have to stash them or time it right. The liquor is easy to get.

I've looked up lethal blood alcohol levels, though theoretically I was drinking to that before. I looked up local hotels. I haven't done anything. I haven't bought anything, so it remains an idea and not a plan. I just haven't mentioned it to anyone for fear of worrying them.

I did make a psychiatrist appointment for Tuesday, so that is sooner than I was planning to go. Maybe he can help. Maybe I will tell him. For now I am telling you. I am a bit frightened of myself these days. I don't intend to do this, but I have been sadder lately. I feel like there's nothing the doctor can do. I feel there's no point worrying anyone. But I remain alive. So that's something

Decisions, decisions

I wrote last post about the possibility of going inpatient for depression and all the various behaviors related to it. Saturday I sat down with my sponsor and another woman from AA to talk about this. The other woman is an occupational therapist and works in mental health, so my sponsor had asked her advice.. she's also just really nice.

I was actually happy that this woman agreed that inpatient wasn't necessary at this point if I did not have a plan to kill myself. Honestly, I had changed my mind about going by Saturday because things didn't seem that bad. We talked about it and I had to promise I would tell them if I did have a plan. If I say this, they will take me to the ER or wherever. I did mention the assumption that I would OD since I have so many meds in my apartment all the time.. so then it was decided that my sponsor would keep my meds and only give me a week at a time. Honestly, this is more for her to feel safe than me at the moment because she's been scared. I even said she could check my apartment on the condition that she not touch any diet pills she finds because I don't want her throwing them out.

We discussed coping skills to replace the cutting, which I haven't tried much. She mentioned exercise, and I don't think my sponsor looked entirely happy about that. I did at some point (because she had asked if there was anything I wanted to say or some similar question) tell my sponsor to stop calling me skinny. She said she meant it in a lighthearted way, and I basically said I don't see it that way. This unfortunately sparked a conversation about me not seeing myself realistically because she says I am the same size as her daughter (I am not) and smaller than her (I am apparently). Then the other woman kept saying things like how I definitely wasn't too small yet and how I am a good size now.. which translates to clearly not thin enough. It was my fault for bringing it up.

I did give my sponsor the pills.. well sort of. I gathered them yesterday but missed 2 bottles. I don't know how I missed the one that would have been right in front of me. The other was on the floor still in the pharmacy bag. I texted my sponsor about finding them and we agreed I would bring them to her tomorrow. I then began thinking of keeping a few. I got home and transferred 10 wellbutrin from the open bottle to a benadryl bottle, which is now on my desk. The prescription bottles are in my purse to take to my sponsor. I don't really know why I did this. I've also been brainstorming ways to answer if she asks "Is this all of them?" without actually lying. I have some ideas. What the fuck us wrong with my brain?

Maybe I will tell her. Maybe I'll just put them back into the wellbutrin bottle before giving it to her. Maybe I will throw them away. For now I am going to bed.