Fear and resentment

Going to try to keep this short, so I don't just repeat myself. Things are still not going very well. I tried texting my sponsor yesterday asking for my meds back. She texted yes to the question and then called and said that she would give them to my parents if I didn't want her to have them, but she was most definitely not giving them to me. I don't want my parents that involved, so I just said to keep them. She said she is not walking away from me , just changing her position. As a friend, she still cares and loves me and wants what's best for me.

Honestly, I asked her again about the meds today.. she's going to say no, but I want to try. I feel like I need a back up plan. A way out. It's going to be that or alcohol, and I'd rather have the pills around because I will either just take them or OD. They can't affect my sobriety. Alcohol as the backup plan can go wrong in other ways.

I am still struggling with wanting to tell my sponsor how she upset me. I don't know if that would help. I don't want to hurt her. I just want her to see that telling me to find a new sponsor 1. In the middle of starting my 4th step and 2. Right after telling her I feel like I'm dragging people down.. has a huge impact. But I don't want her to feel responsible for anything I might do in the near future because honestly things were bad before this happened. Now, I just don't feel I have anyone to be fully honest with about it.

I was so close to texting her last night. I am scared. The cutting is bad. The thoughts are bad. Things are bad. I just don't know what to do about it. I want to hold out until the psychiatrist appointment on Thursday because if I have to reschedule, it will probably take another month to get in. After that, maybe hospital is best. I honestly don't see myself getting out of this. I didn't text her. There was nothing she could do, and it was late enough she was probably asleep. I don't want to hurt people anymore. If they can't help me feel better, why tell them? They can't really keep me safe.

So I'm rambling, and I said I would keep this short. I am going to a meeting and then work and then we will see.