Where to start? Or not to start

Sorry again for how depressing everything I write is lately. I really think my thoughts are more bad than good these days.

The good news is I do have a psychiatrist appointment Tuesday. It's with the current one that I dislike, but I knew he could see me faster than a new doctor. I am not really sure what to tell him other than he needs to listen because clearly the medication isn't working. Only problem is that I am not currently convinced he can make it better.

Bad news is that my head is still obsessing. I added the thought that any hotel I pick (for drinking myself to death.. more in prior post) should probably have a fridge or better yet a freezer because I don't drink warm vodka. I could get a cooler with ice, but that's annoying. Then this big obsession I have had before about how people will find out if I die. How do people know who to tell? I mean family is usually notified but my parents don't know my coworkers or friends, so who would they tell. I have thought about this when not suicidal too. I feel I should make a list with names and numbers and I could carry it in my wallet or leave it somewhere obvious in the apartment. I could create a list in my phone. I had convinced myself this was a reasonable thing to do, but I haven't done it.
I also had the urge to stop at the liquor store today. I feel like if I do, the idea would become a plan, or I would simply relapse without the guts to try this. I didn't go. It also occurred to me that I don't own shot glasses now, so I would need that too. I thought that would be a place to start.
I have thought again about inpatient. I really feel like I need someone to make me go because I can't do it. I can't decide when it's necessary. I am scared of the cost. I am scared of having to tell my parents. I am scared nobody will take this seriously. I am also reminded of the brilliant (sarcasm) thought that I should cut my wrist because it would look nice. I knew this made no sense. I knew I would have to hide it. I knew it was dumb and crazy. I still did it, and then I decided to add a bit more.. and the point is that eventually I stopped caring that I knew the thought was crazy. What does that mean when it comes to these thoughts?
So I will tell my doctor Tuesday and try to tell someone at least part of it before then.