Toxic

I was debating writing this tonight or waiting, but I am in bed and not tired.. so why not.
I guess I will go through events in sequence. I woke up and got ready. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka. I went to an AA meeting with vodka in the trunk of my car.
After the meeting, I was expecting to work on my 4th step with my sponsor because I had started earlier in the week and she had mentioned doing my 5th step this weekend. I didn't think I was ready (mentally or with writing) for that. So she pulls me aside after the meeting, and I expect it to be about that. Instead, she tells me she wants me to choose another sponsor. She says her emotional sobriety isn't good enough or she wouldn't be in so much turmoil. She wants to be friends.. but not my sponsor.

So this is horrible in a variety of ways
I finally started redoing my 4th step, and she decided this after I gave her the fear and resentment lists.. so my non-sponsor has those, and I have to restart when I find someone else.
I just told her Friday that I felt like a sinking ship and that I was dragging people down with me. I do not see any way to interpret this except that I am causing her pain and affecting her sobriety. It seems like right when I was finally able to be honest with her about so much with the depression, she decides this. So honesty clearly didn't get me anywhere. All it did was hurt her and others around me and leave me alone.

I spent the day with a friend because essentially she wouldn't let me go home alone after this. I broke down in tears because this confirms all my fears about being toxic and selfish and how I need to pull away from people. If I had gone home, probably it would have been bad. Anyway, she said this isn't about me and not to internalize it, but she also repeatedly said that she and my ex-sponsor are scared for me and don't want to watch me die. That translates to me causing them pain. I tried to explain the 4th step and the honesty stuff.. but she doesn't get how hard communication is now.

I got my meds for the week, but I later texted my ex-sponsor that I'm not going to text her about taking them anymore, and I would like to have control of them back. I think that's part of how she got too wrapped up in my life and feeling responsible for keeping me safe. It might be a terrible idea, but I just want her to have the option to be free. Tomorrow I may see if I can get the rest. Her response was she wishes she was stronger, and I just said it's not about that. I need to be able to take care of myself. I am kind of upset about her saying that. I don't know if she realizes how much she's hurting me because she's making this about her. She's the one who left a seriously suicidal, depressed alcoholic with no sponsor. I wonder if she is distancing herself in case I do die. That would be smart. It's just painful as hell for me. I already feel hopeless, but I have really been taking steps to stay alive. I have been texting. I have called a few times. I wrote the lists. I have gone to meetings. I have tried. I seriously want to give up now. I definitely don't want to be honest anymore