Decisions, decisions

I wrote last post about the possibility of going inpatient for depression and all the various behaviors related to it. Saturday I sat down with my sponsor and another woman from AA to talk about this. The other woman is an occupational therapist and works in mental health, so my sponsor had asked her advice.. she's also just really nice.

I was actually happy that this woman agreed that inpatient wasn't necessary at this point if I did not have a plan to kill myself. Honestly, I had changed my mind about going by Saturday because things didn't seem that bad. We talked about it and I had to promise I would tell them if I did have a plan. If I say this, they will take me to the ER or wherever. I did mention the assumption that I would OD since I have so many meds in my apartment all the time.. so then it was decided that my sponsor would keep my meds and only give me a week at a time. Honestly, this is more for her to feel safe than me at the moment because she's been scared. I even said she could check my apartment on the condition that she not touch any diet pills she finds because I don't want her throwing them out.

We discussed coping skills to replace the cutting, which I haven't tried much. She mentioned exercise, and I don't think my sponsor looked entirely happy about that. I did at some point (because she had asked if there was anything I wanted to say or some similar question) tell my sponsor to stop calling me skinny. She said she meant it in a lighthearted way, and I basically said I don't see it that way. This unfortunately sparked a conversation about me not seeing myself realistically because she says I am the same size as her daughter (I am not) and smaller than her (I am apparently). Then the other woman kept saying things like how I definitely wasn't too small yet and how I am a good size now.. which translates to clearly not thin enough. It was my fault for bringing it up.

I did give my sponsor the pills.. well sort of. I gathered them yesterday but missed 2 bottles. I don't know how I missed the one that would have been right in front of me. The other was on the floor still in the pharmacy bag. I texted my sponsor about finding them and we agreed I would bring them to her tomorrow. I then began thinking of keeping a few. I got home and transferred 10 wellbutrin from the open bottle to a benadryl bottle, which is now on my desk. The prescription bottles are in my purse to take to my sponsor. I don't really know why I did this. I've also been brainstorming ways to answer if she asks "Is this all of them?" without actually lying. I have some ideas. What the fuck us wrong with my brain?

Maybe I will tell her. Maybe I'll just put them back into the wellbutrin bottle before giving it to her. Maybe I will throw them away. For now I am going to bed.