The idea

So I should probably warn that this could be triggering in some way. I just feel like typing it out rather than keeping it in my head.

I have been brainstorming this idea for a few days. I am not sure when it started because it was originally just the general question in my mind "if I drank the way I used to, I wonder if it would now kill me?"
I  have been sober over a year, and I wonder if my tolerance is lower now. I was drinking amounts that could cause alcohol poisoning in some people.

So that's where this started. Could I actually drink myself to death? Could I drink a liter of vodka or would I pass out too soon or throw up or would I simply black out and wake up healthy. If I failed and wake up healthy, no real harm done. If I die, I die. The worry is making a mess of my apartment.. puking on things. So maybe I could get a hotel room. That way I would be where nobody could find me and where my apartment was not involved. I could bring liquor and food and make a night of it. I could if I want leave a note at the apartment of where I am, so when people come looking they can find me, but there will be a delay. I would leave food and water for the cats. I could plan it to where I have a week's worth of meds, so that can go along with the alcohol. I just have to stash them or time it right. The liquor is easy to get.

I've looked up lethal blood alcohol levels, though theoretically I was drinking to that before. I looked up local hotels. I haven't done anything. I haven't bought anything, so it remains an idea and not a plan. I just haven't mentioned it to anyone for fear of worrying them.

I did make a psychiatrist appointment for Tuesday, so that is sooner than I was planning to go. Maybe he can help. Maybe I will tell him. For now I am telling you. I am a bit frightened of myself these days. I don't intend to do this, but I have been sadder lately. I feel like there's nothing the doctor can do. I feel there's no point worrying anyone. But I remain alive. So that's something