Update

So I saw my psychiatrist today. My sponsor went with.. it went about how I expected. I told him things were going badly. He said he figured and that I had treatment resistant depression and that's why he recommended TMS. I tried to continue explaining what I meant by going badly.. and only ever managed to get in that I'm having obsessive thoughts and some are suicidal. This is because he basically just said we can try this new medication and it doesn't have many side effects. He never asked me to elaborate on the suicidal thoughts thing or asked about any other behaviors. I asked about the wellbutrin I'm on which is not recommended for people who purge frequently. He said it's ok if I'm not purging frequently, and my sponsor clarified that I am. So he said I can stop taking it.. not to taper off. Just to stop. Then he changed his mind because some of my other meds are also anti-seizure, so I should just take the wellbutrin and the new antidepressant . What the hell?

My sponsor kept laughing afterwards. We walked out, and I just turned to her and said "Do you see why I'm changing doctors?" He basically doesn't give a duck, and I could barely get him to shut up so I could tell him what was going on.

I took the new med today. I hope it helps. Well, part of me does. Part of me has given up. I felt more sad today, and I think I don't believe this will get better soon. I bought a box of sleeping pills for no apparent reason. I am just tired.

I realized that when this was all starting (the downward spiral), I had a couple days when I would cry if anyone mentioned loving me or wanting me around. I didn't want to be around and it hurt for them to care. Now I hear them say they love me and care and worry, and I don't feel anything. I love my sponsor, but I haven't even been thinking in all this obsession about other people. I feel very distant from people sometimes.

Tonight, I am just tired.