Fear

Writing this at work because we are super slow tonight, and I have nothing to do but much on my mind. I survived Saturday, which I intended to.. but I spent pretty much all day with a friend until after 9 (when liquor stores close and when I had to meet my sponsor to get another week of meds). She drove, so I didn't have the option of leaving. I told her why I needed this and the whole obsession over drinking and dying.. so she knew not to leave me alone.

Yesterday I went to work for maybe an hour.. and then there was nothing to do, so they let us go. I went to a meeting and then to buy binge food. I discussed with the friend Saturday that it was hard for me to express to my psychiatrist how I am doing. It isn't that I lie. If I am asked a question, I will answer, but I am not one to volunteer information if not asked. Sometimes this is to avoid people knowing things. In his case, I just don't think he listens. We discussed maybe taking a list of what's going on so I won't forget what he needs to know when I go tomorrow. I texted my sponsor last night to see if she would help me, so I would have an objective opinion. This made me nervous because she doesn't/didn't know everything going on.

Well we went to write it, and this plan changed to her going with me. I explained the rest of the obsessive suicidal thoughts because she asked what kind of medication I thought I needed. I really don't know, but I said it isn't just a depression thing.. it's a complete obsession over certain thoughts and ideas. I've been told it's an OCD thing to have these intrusive thoughts. She really seemed more interested in me going inpatient, and she didn't like my assurance that I don't think I will do anything. I mean I have never attempted suicide. Anyway, we agreed on the compromise of her going to the appointment.. if my psychiatrist insists on me going inpatient, then I don't really have a choice. If not, I have until Friday to see if any medication starts to help, and if the thinking is as bad, she wants me to go then.

Honestly, she is probably right. I still haven't told anyone about the little stash of pills (now it's 11 Wellbutrin and 1 Lamictal), but I will probably just admit it tomorrow. I have been debating if I could cut the seroquels in half and take half and save half, but I haven't tried this. I can see that my thinking is in a dangerous place. Some of the thoughts make sense. The whole drinking thing really has to be put off until a weekend, or the plan needs to be revamped since I doubt I'll be left alone any Saturday soon.. since my sponsor is aware of this thought now.

But for now I need to just make it through the appointment tomorrow and hope the doctor is able to help.