Still surviving

I feel like I should periods post that I'm still alive and not in the hospital (given what I've been writing lately). So, yes, I am still here. It is still a challenge. I have done good and bad things in the past few days. I have been good and given my sponsor a couple stashes of pills that I had.. first the regular stuff (allergy and non-prescription sleeping pills) and today the small stash of wellbutrin. The bad there is that I had those things. Good is going a few days without purging. Bad is probably restricting on those days. Bad is deciding to cut my wrist again to see how deep I was willing and able to go. The answer is apparently not very deep, but it's definitely going to scar. Bad is sitting in my car outside the liquor store again today. Good is not going inside.

So yeah.. I really think I need to be in the hospital. The holding a razor to my wrist every night thing seems bad. The wondering what 10 wellbutrin might do is bad.  I can almost justify just trying it to see what happens because obviously I wasn't trying to die, right? Not good thinking. My sponsor told me I looked tortured the other day. I just feel like I'm better off waiting to see the psychiatrist since she can change my meds,  and that's all they would do inpatient. Seeing her would just be a whole lot cheaper. I don't know...
But yes, I'm alive.