Rational thinking

I couldn't think of a good title today. I'm not really sure what I'm writing about. I just want to write.

I texted my sponsor today that I am considering inpatient but that I am concerned about cost and about being taken seriously. I guess it's the second bit I want to talk about.

I wonder if this is a rational fear. Honestly, I think it is in the sense that in a psych ward they do not take you seriously if you are not truly suicidal. They expect you to have a plan (I mean really I've always assumed I have enough meds in my apartment if I ever need one). If you cut, they take you more seriously if you have needed stitches. For an eating disorder, bulimics get little attention if they are medically stable. I have had people question why I was there when I was inpatient. My response sometimes didn't seem good enough to them.. but patients tend to like to compete for who's sickest (I've been guilty of this).

What is frustrating is that my stays in the psych ward and the ER visits to be admitted really fucked with my head. I was left convinced that I am not that sick if I am not planning to kill myself. I was left convinced the self harm was no big deal if I didn't need medical attention. I am still convinced that this is true..
Some sane part of me can tell that it is never normal to cut yourself, and this should be taken seriously. I know that when I am afraid to touch pill bottles or sit researching ways to die, that is not far away from being actively suicidal. I also am fully aware that I am using the cutting and eating disorder to keep those thoughts away.

But the problem is that I am only sometimes rational. Today I am slightly rational because I talked to one of the supervisors/bosses at work (she was daytime supervisor and is now manager or something) about the possibility of needing time off. The issue is if I end up not having enough PTO. She asked what was going on, and I realized I didn't know what to tell her. I said some mental health stuff and that I've really been trying to stay out of the hospital. I kinda said I am self destructive, and that was one of the points where I couldn't make eye contact. Anyway, I didn't know what parts to tell her because I know telling a normal person about cutting will worry them because it is a big deal to most people. Any mention of thinking about death panics people (whether it's a detailed plan or casual research). The eating disorder isn't relevant because I'm not interested in recovery.. but yeah. All of what's going on seemed like it would worry her, which made me think that maybe it should worry me more.
She was really nice. My supervisor wasn't there, which is why I was talking to her, but honestly I would rather talk to her than him. She asked what she could do and if work was stressing me out (which I said wasn't it). She said my health is important, so we could figure something out and tell her if there's anything she can do to help. I feel guilty because maybe I did worry her, but it is probably less than if she suddenly got a call that I was in a hospital..

However, now I'm back to thinking I shouldn't go. I'm also thinking I should cut my wrist again. I am going to dye my hair now and hope that passes.

Oh and on the topic of eating disorders, I need to work on hiding better. I haven't done anything truly eating disordered at work, but I said pretty openly (and not for the first time) that I kept getting dizzy when I stood up today. I'm assuming dehydration. I swear I thought I was going to pass out when I bent over while shopping. I had to grab onto a shelf after standing up. At work it happened a few times. I finally drank some coconut water (yuck) for potassium, and it got better.. but I am wondering if people might catch on to me being crazy someday. I also didn't eat today. I also was gesturing while talking and I think the scratches on my wrist were really showing, but the guy I was talking to didn't say anything.

And now I'll shut up.