Crying

I do not know what is going on with my head these days. I really feel that I am going mad. Like I am truly losing it. I can't really explain this.

The newest thing is the crying. I think I've mentioned at least one instance (the Target one?) so sorry for repeating myself. I have been crying at weird times and for weird or unknown reasons. I left my sponsor's house, and I started crying in my car driving to Target. Loneliness? Feeling misunderstood because she didn't seem to get how bad things are?

Then yesterday.. I admitted to skipping one of my meds, and she said she thinks it's sabotaging myself. She asked me to make a fears list and we could discuss it after I got off work. Well I get off work and text her to see if she still wants me to come over. She says yes but she needs to drive someone home and will be home soon. I stop at a store and say I'll be over then. On my way, she calls and cancels.. says she wants to stay and talk to this person, it's late and this isn't something we should do when we're tired, various excuses.. she says we can meet today. I wonder if she thought I didn't do the list because I did text her I couldn't write much because I was doing it at work (which is true), but I did it. This time I think I was right to be upset. I wrote down all these fears that may be behind my behaviors, and she decided she didn't want to see me at the time she was supposed to be at her house to meet me. I hung up the phone and started crying.

Today.. we went over the list. I didn't cry until we were discussing the fact that I'm mixing diet pills/caffeine/ephedrine. She said a heart only has so many beats and to save some for her and the other friend I have there. I lost it. Just the idea of living and someone wanting me alive. It happened again when the other friend asked me after the meeting if I wanted to hang out. I said no.. I don't really remember what else I said before I was just sobbing. So I think I have her pretty worried now, but I'm starting to think it's justified. Anytime anyone mentions caring about me or I think about it or I think about living, I cry. I am not really suicidal, but I feel very desperate not to feel like that when it happens. I'm wondering if I should just tell my sponsor or my friend that I'm cutting again or if it's not really important since they can't do anything.

But in other news, I am the lowest weight I have been in a long time. I also discovered that I can wrap my thumb and pinky finger around my wrist now. So that's good. I do keep getting dizzy and a tight feeling in my chest, so I should probably be drinking more water.