Terrifying

I should most definitely be in bed.. or taking some steps towards going to bed by now, but I'm not.. there are both sane and insane or practical and impractical reasons for why I'm not. The practical/sane reason is that I haven't taken my meds yet, and currently I am convinced that I will puke if I try to take a pill because I'm really nauseous.. and I'll get to why in a moment. The reasons why have a lot to do with all the insane reasons I'm not going to bed.

One reason I'm probably nauseous is that I haven't eaten today. I have apparently gotten back into the habit of skipping meals or skipping days of eating. Monday I ate 1.5 gingersnaps because my sponsor asked me to, and then I didn't eat again until Wednesday night.. where at work I ate a slice of cheese (because I fail at being vegan) and a roll with mustard.. and a bag of skittles. That was around 10pm. Then I went home and binged and purged. Thursday I ate meals and then binged and purged.. today I haven't eaten. I felt bad today because I have a very sweet (although at times very annoying) coworker who was saying her wife has been cooking more vegan meals lately.. and she knows I'm vegan (the annoying thing is how often she brings up this topic). She asked if I'd like to try the food when she makes new things and offered to bring me some.. This was thankfully over the instant messenger we use and not out loud because it took me about a million tries to type a response. I didn't want to say yes because I really don't want the food. I didn't want to just say no because it is an extremely sweet offer, and I don't want her to think it is anything personal. I finally said that I have some problems (mental) with food and have been having a hard time eating.. so probably not. I don't know if that translates to "I have an eating disorder" in her mind, but it was easier to say that way.. and she said ok and if there was any way she can help to let her know. So.. given how much she likes to bring up me being vegan.. I really hope she does not decide to bring this up. I just really didn't want someone bringing me food on days I decide not to eat.

So onwards.. Where things get stupider is that after a day of not eating, I decided to come home and gather 2 bags of trash and clean my bathroom.. both cleaning the toilet and the sink and around and using a cleaner with bleach in it in a very small bathroom with the door closed.. so that is probably also the cause of the nausea. The reason behind the sudden cleaning spree has to do with the title of the post.. I don't know how much I've talked about it really.. some I know.. definitely have not (and will not) shown you all what my apartment looks like. In my drinking, it became a complete mess.. I spent my time blacked out, so I didn't clean. Then honestly in sobriety for a while it was just too overwhelming to deal with it because the mess was caused by my drinking and all wrapped up in those memories.. and I just hate so many things in my apartment. Plus, some things I just couldn't do myself.. like I have a couch that at one point I had to throw out one of the cushions because when I was drunk I threw up on it.. so I simply threw out the cushion rather than dealing with it because I didn't discover this until waking up the next morning. Well, the couch is ugly and pointless without that cushion.. but I cannot on my own carry it out of my apartment, so I still have it.. and it has just kind of gathered stuff on it since then.

Add to it all that I have a bit of a shopping problem? Maybe.. I don't know.. I buy things.. odds and end.. nothing expensive, and that stuff built up over time. I shopped to kill time before I drank. I shopped because I couldn't stand to be in the apartment. I also have this tendency to buy food and never eat it.. When I first got sober, a good friend in the program offered when I was ready to help me clean.. so did my sponsor. Honestly, I didn't really want my sponsor to do it because one time she made a comment about my apartment looking like someone else's that she knew.. and while I don't think she meant it to be mean, it was judgemental.. you know? And any level of judgment was hard. I just never let them come. Well, tomorrow they're coming over.. and what I told them is basically that other than my TV and computer (and bed and such because honestly the bedroom I've dealt with) I just want it all gone. I don't care what gets thrown out. I don't care about the stuff. I don't care about any food I've bought. I am not in a financial situation where I cannot afford to buy more food.. and if I haven't used these things or eaten this food, then I don't think I will. I don't want the couch. Honestly, anything else they think should go.. fine. A bed, a TV, and a computer.. plus the animals obviously.. and I can start over from that.

But we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll break down and not let them do it. Maybe I'll break down and cry in a corner. Maybe it will be fine. Tonight I dealt with the bathroom.. because honestly I don't want them dealing with that. I took out some trash in the hopes they would judge me less. I am not sure if it's the cleaning or the feelings making me want to puke right now.. maybe eating would help, but I have this fear they will make me eat tomorrow.. so why not wait until then. I just need to be able to swallow one more pill tonight so I can sleep.