For a couple years I guess I have been seeing the same psychiatrist.. not sure exactly how long. I switched to him after I got tired of the ultimatums the previous one was giving me.. if I didn't quit drinking, she wouldn't see me. If I kept cutting, she wouldn't see me. She never stopped seeing me or prescribing my meds, but she kept threatening it. It was frustrating. I mean she had no practical solutions for me, just lots of threats. So i switched to someone who specializes in addiction in the hope that either he could help me or at least have a bit more understanding for my situation.
Don't get me wrong.. he is not terrible. I have had worse. It is the same problem before that he doesn't seem to have very high hopes for me.. he was willing to try lots of things to help the drinking. We did the Vivitrol shot, naltrexone (the oral kind), topamax, and various other things... so he was definitely more understanding that I couldn't just quit drinking. He did seem a bit baffled that I didn't really have physical cravings for alcohol the way others do.. it's a psychological thing. I never could explain that well. Also, none of the medications really helped. He didn't seem surprised when rehab failed and hospital stays failed. He was not a big fan of AA I think.. I mean he never pushed me to go, and he didn't seem interested that i was going. When I was 6 months sober (I think I wrote about this) he basically told me that wasn't good enough. That wasn't a long time. At 9 months he finally seemed surprised and pleased with me. However, after I got sober he just kinda stopped listening to me. I'd say I was more depressed, and he'd say that is to be expected. I'd say I was having trouble sleeping, and he didn't really do anything. He kept commenting on my weight loss despite me telling him more than once that i have an eating disorder. I'd say that.. we talked about it briefly (I didn't expect him to do anything about it. I wanted him to shut the fuck up). Then a couple months later he'd ask how much I'd lost and say he hopes I was doing it for the right reasons. Seriously? I gave up on that. But our appointments basically involved me sitting there for less than 5 minutes.. I might try to say something, and he would just kinda blow it off. Then he would refill my meds and say I will see you in 2 months.
This week.. Well it had been 2 months, and for at least a month of that I was not taking my medication.. probably longer than that. I honestly don't think I was taking everything when I saw him the last time, but I didn't say anything about it. I had texted my sponsor the day before about whether or not I should tell him because it felt pointless.. she said I should. So I told him that i stopped my medications for a month or so. His response was "Well, weren't we planning on tapering off them anyway?" To which my response was No.. not that I was ever aware of. I said I had started them again. He said the goal was to eventually be on less medications at least. Honestly, this is less medications for me.. I've been so overly medicated by previous psychiatrists that this isn't that bad to me. I mean the topamax is entirely unneccessary I think, but I want it because I think it helps suppress my appetite.. but the rest I see no problem with. I did say I'm bothered by needing the seroquel to sleep. He didn't say anything about that.. He filled everything. He started talking about how I should do TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). He said my insurance covers it now. He then basically invited in the person that does it and sent me to fill out paperwork. I said I didn't want to say yes to this. I mean 1. I am sure it will still be expensive 2. I am not thrilled with the idea of anything that makes permanent changes to my brain and it is not an impulse decision and 3 it would involve driving there (an hour each way) 5 days a week for 6 weeks. That's ridiculous. He did finally say that maybe if there's somewhere closer, they could just do a referral.. and still sent me to do the paperwork for it to see if my insurance would pay. I honestly think he wants me to do it because he probably gets money from it since it's out of the same practice. I don't think he wants it because he thinks it will be the thing that fixes my depression. I mean he said it could work or at least not make things worse.. and there's no side effects.. but it was not a convincing speech.
So I did the little evaluation (that lady was nice at least).. and now I'm looking for a new psychiatrist. I mean at no point did he seem at all concerned that i took myself off my meds suddenly.. or started them again suddenly. At no point did he really ask how my mood was.. or my behaviors.. (I've been cutting again..). No, he just decided to try to convince me to do this thing that he probably gets money for. He talked about reducing my medication, but he didn't do that.. I am pretty sure he is supposed to be concerned that i am not being compliant with my medication. I mean I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe.. with multiple hospital stays because I was suicidal or self destructive. Several of those resulted from me stopping my medication.. but he doesn't seem concerned.
Part of me is a bit nervous about finding someone else.. for multiple reasons. He was very tolerant of me while I was drinking.. my old psychiatrist had a point that prescribing me all these meds while I was drinking that much was dangerous. He was ok with it. If I were to ever relapse, I run the risk of another psychiatrist firing me as a patient for that.. or for being non-compliant. Also.. I have been known to manipulate doctors. I had one prescribing me ritalin (methylphenidate) for fatigue.. which doesn't really make sense. (actually it was my therapist's idea but that was probably because of me). I had another prescribing me benzos while I was drinking which is dangerous. This guy specializes in addictions, so I'm pretty sure I could no convince him to give me either benzos or amphetamines.. so I haven't tried. I have planned out what I might say in my head a few times.. mainly thinking of how to get some kind of amphetamine. They do prescribe phentermine for binge eating disorder.. so I wondered if I could convince him to give me that for the bulimia.. but I don't think he'd fall for it. But you see my point? My brain does come up with these things.. and I've gotten psychiatrists to fall for things before. I seem a lot more trustworthy than I really am. Really, I have an addictive personality and should not be prescribed any addictive medications for anxiety.. and really I have an eating disorder and would LOVE to have something that would help me lose more weight. (The other argument in my head is that maybe I could convince a doctor that it would be safer to give me phentermine than for me to keep taking diet pills and ephedrine containing allergy pills)
But I think my frustration with him has won this time. I am tired of him not listening. I am not happy with him pushing the TMS thing suddenly like I should just decide on the spot. That's kinda like I stopped seeing one psychiatrist pretty soon after he mentioned ECT. Also, I think I do need a psychiatrist that understands that it probably is not a realistic option for me to not take medication. Me not taking medication has NEVER ended well. It just varies how long it takes for me to go nuts. He really just doesn't give a shit as long as I'm sober.. Maybe he doesn't understand that my problems started long before I started drinking. Drinking is a symptom not a cause. It has since been replaced by other symptoms. I'm rambling.. but it is frustrating to think of starting over. I hate even thinking of that question they ask about what meds you have taken. I have taken nearly everything. The lady doing the TMS evaluation thing kept asking me how many times a day and what dosage of things I took.. like I remember.. I've been on meds for 14 years. I don't remember. I can probably tell you if I've taken something. I might be able to tell you why I stopped taking it.. but the rest is a blur. Maybe I should just say it that way to be clear, or does that make me sound bitchy? Maybe assertive is the correct word.. not bitchy.
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