An honest update (trigger warning)

So I feel like things are getting worse.. or are worse. At times I think it's fine, and then I get glimpses of reality.

One glimpse (I will try to keep it from being too triggering) was on Tuesday at work. Monday was slow enough at work that they sent us home early. Tuesday we sat around for quite a while (probably more than an hour) waiting for work to be available. Well that fucked with my head. I had been listening to Wasted by Marya Hornbacher as an audio book for the 3rd time in 2 weeks, and there's a line she says where her mom left her to make decisions and "Those decisions, I think, were primarily about whether to live or die, and I was making the choice by default"
And this seemed so accurate.. the eating disorder and drinking to me are that choice to die. Well, that inspired me to start looking on Google about how long it takes a person to starve to death and reading all these things about a certain way people with terminal illnesses can kill themselves rather than involving doctors.. and this is obviously all a terrible choice

I left work and bought binge food.  I binged and purged and all the while my head was still pretty bad. I realized what I read was not a viable option, so I thought about other things. I sat down to take my meds that night and was overwhelmed by the pill bottles in my desk. I just stared. I didn't even take all my meds because it was too much.
The next day I went to AA, and I don't know if physically I look poorly (I've lost 17lbs in a month but am not underweight by far) or just clearly mentally unwell because 2 people asked me if I was alright. One woman put her hand on my shoulder when she asked and then hugged me. The other guy just asked in a tone of voice that isn't the normal "how are you?".. if that makes sense.

I did mention the whole thing about researching things online to my sponsor because I hadn't texted her about taking my meds since I hadn't. I said I didn't want to make excuses, but then I don't know if the rest of what I just explained is an excuse or just an explanation of what happened. It wasn't like I just decided to skip them. I was scared to touch the bottles. Anyway, she asked if I had considered going inpatient to sort out my meds. I said no. I don't think I'm bad enough for them to take me seriously or to justify spending the money.
I honestly would like to go.. it would be a nice break. It would need to be somewhere that won't force me to eat and has vegetarian food.. I'm half afraid if I let my sponsor drive me, she'd tell them I have an eating disorder so I have to eat.. but most psych wards don't care. Still.. I'm not actively suicidal, so I don't need to go. I still am cutting daily.. but  I've convinced myself it's no big deal. I am however still obsessed with cutting my wrists and am just brainstorming ways to hide it. Probably not sane.
I am considering inpatient, but I am very afraid nobody will think things are that bad.. and I'd have to tell work at least something to see if I could get time off. My mind says if I want to go, the simplest thing would be to try to kill myself and plan to fail.

So yeah.. today is less bad. I bought new scrubs (size small!) and had dinner with my parents. Now binging.

**Editing this later.. so in the middle of binging and purging I decided to scratch my wrist a couple times with a dull utility knife. Scratches because they don't even qualify as cuts.. and I was right, I like how it looks. Now I just have to stop at that.. and hope that tomorrow they aren't noticeable.. or maybe I don't care.