Therapy

Normally I see my therapist on Thursday, which is one of my days off work. I've been going every 2 weeks. She was gone the past few weeks, so she offered to see me earlier this week rather than waiting the extra days until Thursday. At the time it made sense, I regretted it when the time came.

I am getting tired of seeing her. I do talk about things, but she has been pushy about things lately. Like for quite a while, she has been pushing eating disorder treatment. She wants me to do a certain outpatient program, but at times she has suggested inpatient or residential.

She's been saying this since the eating disorder was not nearly as bad. I mean now she might be right about needing it. These days I might be going crazy. 

Then she asked about cutting, and I kinda lied about how often I was doing it. She decided this meant I definitely should go for an assessment. In my mind, most outpatient programs want nothing to do with you if you are cutting frequently (not to mention the suicidal thoughts). I've always had to lie about it or they would start pushing inpatient, so why even bother? Plus, I don't want to go anyway. 

She also wants me to see a dietitian. I mentioned I have meal plans at home I could follow. I just won't. What is a dietitian going to accomplish if I don't want to eat? I know plenty about nutrition from prior treatments. I know how much I should be eating. I just know that the crazy shit in my head is quieter if I am not eating or eating less. I know that I am losing weight despite how my therapist claims starving doesn't work because of that starvation mode crap. 

I definitely feel crazy though. Last night work was so slow they sent us home early. I almost started crying before leaving because I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to binge (or eat at all) so I ended up going to AA, but the idea of going home was upsetting. I'm starting to think I'm more suicidal than I think I am, or maybe just scared of myself. Today I finally made an appointment with a different psychiatrist. I've seen her before, and she wasn't as terrible as my current one. Of course, the soonest appointment is the end of February. So I get to be miserable until then.
I don't know what else to say. I know I need help of some sort but I don't know what. I am not convinced my therapist is right. I can't seem to tell anyone else the whole truth of what's going on, and I'm not sure if I should. Maybe it will get better on its own. I can just hope for that.