Not really sure why I am writing tonight. I feel like I should.. or really I feel like I need to talk to someone, but my ability to talk to people is pretty much gone. Texting people is even hard now. I cannot imagine making a phone call.. or answering one. Like I emailed a place looking at a new psychiatrist. The office called yesterday, and I didn't answer. Admittedly, I was still in bed when they called, but I didn't call back. I can't even call someone's receptionist.I may try again Monday, but honestly knowing myself I will put it off longer than that. Maybe they will call again, and I will answer because answering is slightly less terrifying than dialing.
The texting thing.. for a long time my sponsor used to text me to check if I took my meds. Eventually this stopped, and then eventually I stopped taking them (not because she stopped.. I am NOT blaming that). Well, when she wanted me to start them again, I said that I take most of them late at night and maybe it would be better if I texted her when I've taken them. This has been making me anxious because I am texting her at midnight or 1am usually, but the one time I didn't text her she called me the next morning about it. She has told me before that texts don't wake her up. Yesterday, I decided to text her that I think I've been taking them long enough again that it would be ok for me to stop texting her about it everyday. That I would be ok. It took me a while to actually write that whole text and send it because I didn't think it would be well received. Either she would simply say no, or she would think that something was wrong. Honestly, something probably is wrong. I sent the text and wanted to cry (and I did this while at work). She responded that she liked hearing from me everyday.. I said that I felt bad for texting so much.
Oh and then all that texting made me debate last night if I should really send the text about my meds since I had already texted her multiple times that day. Finally she texted me something ("with earnest awareness.." was the message and I'm not sure what she meant). I said I had taken my meds but my head was in a crazy place. She said we'd talk about it tomorrow (meaning today)
Anyway.. I don't know why texting her so much bothers me.. and texting her "so much" is once a day. This is my sponsor, who I am supposed to be calling everyday, and I feel terrible guilt over one text. I think lately some of it is that I feel like there is so much I want to tell her that i'm not. All I text is that I took my meds. I am not telling her that I'm depressed. I am not telling her that at times I am having suicidal thoughts. I am not telling her that I have been cutting again. I am not telling her that the eating disorder decided it was a brilliant idea to write "FAT PIG" in giant letters in permanent marker on my thighs, so I've been looking at that for days because it hasn't washed off completely yet. I am not telling anyone a whole lot of things right now, but I know they're bad.
Today I went to an AA meeting, and it was not a pleasant meeting. I mean not a happy meeting.. and I cried a little. I didn't speak. Afterwards my sponsor said I could go to her house for a while to watch TV, and I ended up going.. I didn't end up saying anything much while I was there. I finally left because she needed to go somewhere. I started crying in my car after I left.. I was driving to Target and crying.. wtf? I didn't know what to do about it. I couldn't really call her. I didn't know who else to call. I ended up telling myself that soon I would be home with food and that would numb things, and I would be fine. I'm binging now, and I'm ok.. not ok, but I'm well enough. I am telling you this (whoever ends up reading this) because at least that's something, and now I am going to go eat waffles.
No comments:
Post a Comment