Fear foods

I generally consider myself to be in recovery from my eating disorder. I am and have always been a pessimist in that eating disorders can be in remission, but very few people who have eating disorders ever 100% recover. Mainly because in my experience, your thinking is never quite the same even if your behavior is perfectly healthy. Part of that is just that even non-disordered people think and act differently around food. They diet, they may skip meals, the overeat, they eat things others would find bizarre.

In my case, I know mentally I am not fully in recovery. I don't purge anymore. I admittedly vomit a lot because of the alcohol, but I actually make an an effort not to and to eat in a way that it happens less. I am actually trying to increase how much and how often I eat.

This has led to me challenging some food fears that I really never tried to conquer. I can convince myself that they are rational, but I know that they started when my eating disorder did and so logically they are ED related. One is my fear of fruit. When I first was diagnosed in college, I went through phases of obsessively counting calories. I didn't own a food scale, so I preferred packaged foods and things with nutrition labels. I wasted money on individual serving packages because it was safer. Fruits and vegetables were not safe because they come in all sizes and varieties. What qualifies as a small apple? Is that calorie count for granny Smith or red delicious? I can remember sitting with a ruler measuring the diameter of a plum.

I loved fruit as a child, but until I went to treatment I basically stopped eating it. Even then I managed to negotiate my evening snack to be a starch and not fruit. And after treatment I slowly eliminated it again. When I relapsed in grad school, I would buy fruit and it would go bad because I couldn't make myself actually eat it. I would nearly panic over the idea of buying apples, so I convinced myself it was practical to never buy fruit. I would eat it if we had it at a family meal or at work because I didn't care about calories. I just couldn't buy it myself. Then there was yogurt. The brand I bought in college (there was so much less variety then) was I think 10 calories less for vanilla than for fruit flavors. I absolutely convinced myself for years that I preferred vanilla. This became true for any brand. I admittedly dislike certain berry ones with seeds, but I ate plenty of flavors before my eating disorder. I was probably irrationally proud the first time I bought and enjoyed a different flavor. I think I texted a friend (who I knew through ED support groups and so knew that I wasn't being weird). I also only bought nonfat.

Well, today at work I ate a whole milk, honey flavored yogurt. I almost didn't buy it, but I fucking love honey with yogurt, and it was amazing. I bought a strawberry quark for another day, and I am definitely going to be buying that brand of full fat (which is only like 5g) yogurt again because the texture was so much better than the stuff I can buy at work. I have been eating fruit. I have been drinking liquid calories like chocolate milk.

I still cling to my disorder. I still follow ED accounts on instagram. I still go to some let's say non recovery oriented websites, but I am having to challenge fears. I am able to eat alone in restaurants, which is important because I don't cook. I am eating what I want and not worrying about it being normal. I just ate rice cakes with mustard, which is probably not a normal combination, but it sounded like something that would taste good and not make me throw up. I am fairly certain I have lost some weight, but I refuse to weigh myself because that is a slippery slope.

Tomorrow I am thinking of buying protein shakes or bars to get more protein and help with the weakness. I am drinking stupid pedialyte (liquid calories) to keep my electrolytes at reasonable levels. And mainly I am eating what I want because not eating just makes things worse. Lately that means a lot of French onion soup from Panera and at work yogurt and fruit and at night popsicles.

I don't know the point of all this.. other than just that I ate a full fat yogurt for the first time in probably years, and it was fucking awesome.. and not many people will understand the significance of it, but some of you might. These fears become so deep and we convince ourselves they're rational (surely the lower fat ones are better for us?) It becomes so hard to remember that this is the eating disorder that has twisted our thinking to defend itself and make us believe it is protecting us, and it is really just preventing us from eating and doing amazing things. I will not get fat off one yogurt, although I probably will only buy it sometimes. It doesn't fucking matter if I know if it's a large or medium apple. It matters that I wasted years convincing myself that I only liked vanilla yogurt and that fruit was a waste of money, when I know as a child I loved strawberry and blackberry and all sorts of yogurt and pineapple and grapes and almost every fruit. It's just odd that it took alcoholism and my stupid stomach to make me actually face this.

Too tired

I seem to be perpetually exhausted these days. I am not entirely sure why, and I am not sure how to fix it. The problem is that depending on the cause, some of the solutions could make it worse.

I switched from just taking Seroquel to Seroquel XR and trazodone. Since then, I am waking up more frequently during the night and early morning. I don't know if it would help to take a 2nd trazodone or if that will make me more drowsy in the morning. So I can take 2 and not wake up multiple times but feel hungover the next day. Currently, I am not taking the trazodone and just drinking to fall back asleep.

Caffeine.. I started drinking energy drinks or taking diet pills again when the overtime at work increased. It helps while I am there, but it might be why I am not sleeping well. So I can cut out caffeine and hope for restful sleep, but then I don't have the boost to focus at work. Plus, I am concerned that caffeine only makes my stomach worse. So I am trying to limit but not eliminate caffeine. I mostly am replacing it with sugar and candy.

Nutrition. I have always struggled to accept that I can be fat and malnourished, but some of what I am dealing with is either related to nutrition or dehydration. Struggling to walk up stairs or crouch down and stand back up suggests either muscle loss or that I am not getting enough fuel. That just makes me wonder if my heart is still healthy. I am still getting dizzy randomly which is probably dehydration. I am doing damage control by drinking water and pedialyte, but I have no idea if it's enough. I don't know if there's any point going to my doctor to get blood tests if nothing is likely to fix this if I am still drinking. The alcohol is probably the cause of the gastritis that leads to me vomiting. I feel like I am just waiting until it is bad enough to go to the ER for iv fluids.

I am trying to eat more, but I have so little desire to eat. Today I really had to force myself to eat at work because I was depressed but know that I need to eat. I am so exhausted when I wake up that I end up deciding to sleep rather than get lunch before work, so I get hungry at work and that leads to more nausea and difficulties eating.

So basically I am a mess. The only real solution would be getting sober, and I am just not ready to face the mess I have made of my life sober. Instead, I am just waiting until it reaches the point where I can't function or someone intervenes. I am too exhausted to cut or really think seriously about suicide, so that's a plus. Work is still frustrating. We have a relatively new analyst and she doesn't seem to understand that we can't always leave at midnight. I am not exactly lead anymore but tonight she kept saying we should aim to leave early. I finally said no. Aim for midnight maybe, and of course she basically announced at midnight she was leaving. Me and my now Co-lead stayed until after 1 trying to sort out an issue. Technically, I think we are still supposed to be working 10 hours but nobody is. I also know that 2 analysts took much longer than a 30 minute lunch, but my supervisor has been doing this too, so I have no idea how to address it without making people angry. I took only 15 minutes because I realized that an employee that works from home probably had no idea who to contact if she couldn't reach me, so I didn't want to be away from my computer (I then told her who she could contact if I wasn't there). It was just a bit of anarchy tonight, and I am most worried about not staying later.

I did also allow myself to obsess and find out what happened with one of my errors, but I don't think it will help to tell them. I feel better knowing that I was right about what happened. I just think I will sound crazy if I explain how I figured it out because I didn't even know what sample it was so I had to work that out when I should probably just have kept working. I am so tired that I am working slowly.

I realized that I agreed to see my therapist at noon Wednesday, and Wednesday is normally my day to sleep. I think I may have to figure out another time to see her. I am off Thursday but have a meeting at work at 3, so I don't really have the day off. I am tempted to ask if there is any way to change things so I don't have to go in on my day off because this truly isn't fair, but it may not seem unreasonable to someone who only sleeps 8 hours a night and isn't used to having a day to spend entirely in bed. I think I will discuss it with my therapist.

Tonight I should probably go to sleep.

Assertiveness

I thought I would try to post something positive and what I feel is progress, even if only small.

I feel like lately I am actually learning to be more assertive about expressing what I want or need. This includes at work and outside. Last week I originally asked my mom about coming over on a different day. I then realized I was exhausted and really wanted to sleep on my day off, and rather than lying told her about the overtime at work and not having the energy to come over. I considered lying and saying I had to work or something, but I decided that working close to 60 hours last week was a valid enough reason to stay home and rest. This week I did go. It was very nice to see my parents. I went with my mom to walk the dog and told her about things at work, and it was nice to have the chance to explain how upsetting some of it is. I think I needed validation on some of it, but I have had nobody to really tell. Between being exhausted and having picked at my face a lot lately, I really didn't want to go to a restaurant for dinner, so I asked if we could cook spaghetti and eat there. So we made pasta and sauce and extra so I could take home leftovers. I helped cook, which was nice because I always helped making spaghetti as a kid. She uses canned tomato sauce but adds all the herbs, and there isn't really a written recipe. I just learned how it should look and the ratio of basil and oregano. We use whole bay leaves and if you got the bay leaf when it was served, you made a wish. By the way, the bay leaf is in my leftover sauce, but I haven't made a wish yet. Anyway, it was nice to have a simple evening and go home. I also finally did laundry. I think I have lost weight because the jeans I wore today were looser than I remember. Honestly, yesterday I had applesauce and saltines before work, a yogurt parfait and candy at work, and pedialyte pops at home... which I guess isn't a lot. I really need to work on eating some more nutritious food because I think it's why my stomach is worse.

At work, I am trying. I am trying both to encourage others and also express myself. I told my mom about the suggestions I made in my evaluation and that I clearly told them where I need training. One suggestion was to tell everyone how many desks/computers are available, so night people can come in early. There aren't enough for both shifts to be there at once some days, and it's so complicated remembering everyone's schedule. I said this and that same day the manager sent an email about it. She also was clearer yesterday about what she wanted finished, and I had said that I would like help knowing what is priority when not everything can be finished. I didn't realize until telling my mom some things that they are paying attention. Things are getting better. I also realized talking to my supervisor recently that the reason I can tolerate all this is that it was much scarier to not have enough work. It was terrifying to be told not to come in. Those were the moments that I worried about losing my job. Now, I am willing to work extra because at least it means the company is growing. It means job security.

Still, I am struggling and tired. I am willing to give this a chance because for whatever reason I believe in the company and because I have made friends here. We are caught up and rumor is going back to working 5 days a week. I realize that giving feedback is accomplishing something. They are changing other things to make our jobs easier. Mainly things in the lab I don't understand, and I have learned not to ask about. The medical director's explanations tend to be more confusing than anything. So I am just trusting that I will survive this. I am not thinking about treatment for now because I would rather stay on good terms with my job than deal with everything else. Eventually, I will have to deal with life, but I can't deal with it now. Now I can pretty much handle work and sleep.

Whispering

So work today was interesting. I was not having a good day. I ran out of my Seroquel and had to switch to the Seroquel XR I am supposed to be taking. I have been putting this off because 1. It has to be taken a couple hours before going to bed which means having to manage those hours without being sick and I have to remember to take it immediately after work 2. I am now supposed to take Trazodone for sleep which used to make me drowsy in the morning. But last night I slept poorly and I threw up shortly after waking up, so I didn't eat much before work.

I went to work and at some point my supervisor and former supervisor were whispering, and I was of course convinced it was about me. I heard him say something about "I sent her home" or I think so. So I was preoccupied but no one said anything to me then. I later told my supervisor I wanted to leave by midnight and would make up the overtime later because I slept poorly and wasn't feeling well. She said she needed to discuss some things with me before I left. I managed to convince myself it was either about the drinking or about my mental health. I tried to reassure myself that they wouldn't let me work all day if I was being fired.

She was perfectly upbeat most of the day, so it was odd how serious it sounded. I also heard her whispering with the lab supervisor and was trying to think how it could relate to me.

Well before she left, she did pull me aside to show me a couple reports and mistakes. My first question was if I was being fired. She said of course not. This is my first "error" in nearly 2 years at the company. We actually had a laugh about it. It is a warning, but we talked about how it's pretty amazing to have gone 2 years without a warning. We ended up laughing about my reaction, and I guess her serious tone had been fear of how I would react. I think she knows me well enough to know I take things seriously. I worry about every report anyone closes. I think some of that is work ethic and some is having been the patient being tested. I once tested positive for PCP and have joked about this at work. I learned through reading some documents the company had that a prescription I was on (lamictal) can cause a positive for pcp on enzyme immunoassays. At the time, the hospital did another test because I think I don't seem the type to be lying about taking PCP, but I understand the importance of the reports we send out. (I feel I should say that the kind of testing we do matters because people on lamictal definitely don't test positive for PCP).

Anyway, I think I am paranoid because I am stressed and exhausted. I know that it's pretty obvious. We are pretty much caught up, and I am feeling slightly better. I really just need sleep. I ended up leaving at 1. There is another analyst assigned as lead, and he is doing well. I am still trying to be more active in checking on everyone and praising them or encouraging them. I do care about morale. The company decided to do a Valentine's exchange. Everyone else gave candy, but I gave stickers and toys. I have cards but didn't have time today to deal with them, so I will do that tomorrow. They have glow in the dark insect stickers. I am actually making an effort to fake enthusiasm. I discussed with my supervisor over dinner that truly the company has always eventually recognized our effort. It hasn't always been with money. It has been time off, gift cards, meals and snacks. It has always happened. The boss, I think, always fights for us, but the bigger the company gets the harder it is to compensate us. It is better to be overwhelmed by new clients than to have sample volume drop. However, newer employees didn't go through the dry times. They never had the same fear from losing clients, so they don't have the same joy that this surge in volume creates. I just had to push past the exhaustion to remind myself of it. So tonight hopefully I will sleep and tomorrow remember that I do love my job and my efforts have always been recognized. I mean my supervisor laughing over me being written up is being truly recognized for being good at what I do. She is more afraid of my response than of me making errors. She even said she may argue certain consequences aren't necessary for me because this is the first error in 2 years.

Now I am going to bed. Goodnight

Nightmare or wishful thinking

I have not been sleeping well since stuff at work got worse. I keep waking up during the night and then going through a cycle. I see what time it is and how long I have until I have to be up. I usually debate setting the alarm for later. I then do the math to decide if I can have another drink and be relatively sober by then. I have a drink. Sometimes I go back to sleep and others I spend some time doing things on my phone. The end result is that I am drinking more and sleeping less.

Last night was another story. I managed to stay asleep for a while but trapped in this seemingly endless dream. I don't remember all of it, but basically I was traveling to different places looking for a place to kill myself. It was like I was running away from home and where anyone would find me, so I could have a place to die. This really isn't that different from the period right before my first inpatient stay last year where I was researching hotels with the plan of getting a room, bringing some nice food, pills and vodka, and drinking myself to death. So I woke up a little disturbed. I can't decide if the dream scared me or gave me ideas. Either way it left me in a bad mood before work.

I was upset at work because people are working late, I didn't get my usual desk, which faces another cubicle. I was at one facing out.. this is tricky to explain but the cubicles have glass not solid walls and I was facing the walkway, so people were constantly walking by. It feels like being on display, and at the moment my face and arms are a mess from constant picking. So I sat half the time with a hand on my cheek to try to hide. I finally moved to my desk when someone went home. The lead messaged me to because she said it looked like I was being shunned facing away like that and because nobody was at the other computers in my cube today. It felt nice she said it because it is sometimes depressing being alone in the cubicle even though I can still hear people in hers.

It otherwise was an okay day. I made the mistake of listening to the audio book of Wasted and that rather added to the suicidal thoughts. I haven't talked to the boss. She was working on her day off today and in a great mood about how much she finished, and I couldn't bring myself to talk to her and ruin it. I still don't know what to tell her. The dream does make me think I need to say something to someone. I think I am trying to decide exactly what I can say to cause enough concern that they may lighten my workload but not so much they insist that I go on leave. I feel like any mention of the overdose will lead to being pressured to get help but not telling her enough would either just seem like whining or being told that we're all tired.

I am a little proud that I talked to someone I don't know. We were getting dinner at the same time and said something about wanting something that I eat frequently, so I recommended it. I also commented on how they sell soup with no heating instructions, and her and another coworker told me how long they heated it. This is only impressive if you realize that I usually buy my food and awkwardly sit by myself.

My job is doing a Valentine's card exchange. We are supposed to make boxes for people to put cards in like they do in school. I really don't want to participate, but part of my evaluation was that I need to participate in team building activities, so this would be a bad time to refuse. It's just that I am working 3:30-2am and exhausted and I have to find time somehow to get the box and cards and that takes away from the sleep I really need. I already offered/suggested to buy the analysts heart shaped pizza on Tuesday in the spirit of the holiday because that seems an appropriate way to celebrate working all night on Valentine's Day.. and I like pizza. I was planning on buying them candy because I like feeding people, but this is too much effort. I hated this kind of thing as a kid. I was the one that even though we were required to give a card to everyone, would hide the ones for the kids that bullied me because I refused to give a Valentine to kids like that. It is not my holiday. But I will probably buy some stupid container and cards to seem like a team player because then maybe I can avoid some other team building activities without being criticized in the future.

Now I should really go to bed.

But because instead of sleeping I am listening to the Clancy brothers and to the Town Pants, let's see if I can share a song
The Unlikely Redemption of Oliver Reed

Rough week

So I spent the majority of yesterday drunk in bed. I had no desire to function. I got up for about 2 hours to go to Target. I bought popsicles and pedialyte and water. I then went back to bed and watched 30 Rock.

Today I remembered rather late that I had to be at work at 2:30 instead of 3:30, and I didn't really have time to get something to eat like planned. I pretty much had time for a shower and a popsicle.

We had our department meeting. I did find out they are planning to give us basically extra time off (comp time) in exchange for the overtime. This will come in handy when I inevitably end up in treatment. We all got the lecture about trying not to seem stressed and reaching out to those who do. Also the boss mentioned coming to her to talk instead of each other. They created levels of overtime.. one being extra hours, one being extra hours plus working on a day off, and the highest being 7 days a week. We are currently on the middle level, so I worked 6.5 hours today. I didn't take a lunch and only ate an apple sauce, so I kinda felt like shit by the end.

I am still worried about the overtime and how it is affecting me. I am considering going to the boss and telling her. I didn't feel brave enough today. I am also mentally planning what to tell her. I don't want to seem unwilling to help. I don't want to seem too sick to be working. I just feel like someone should know that it is affecting me and that if it continues I may not be able to do this. I feel like if I get worse, I would rather they adapt my schedule than for me to suddenly end up in the hospital. I would rather talk to her than HR guy because I have known her longer. I have to balance saying enough to cause concern (and make someone realize this is valid and not just complaining) with causing so much concern that I be forced to take leave now. That means probably not mentioning the overdose. I am probably going to talk to her tomorrow. I just don't want this fear in my head, and I frequently feel like the supervisor and manager don't understand. I think they either think that my problems are entirely work related, they focus on the drinking or my behavior, or they don't understand how severe things are. The boss seems to understand more. From previous conversations, I have gathered that she has friends and family with addiction or mental illness problems, so I think she knows that it isn't a choice. She and I have talked a couple times. Some things she found out through my former supervisor (after he decided to tell about me getting stitches), but I chose to tell her about the drinking myself. She also knows about me quitting school, which very few people actually know about. I told her first to make sure it wouldn't jeopardize my job.

I had to cancel therapy to go to work today. I initially texted my mom about going there Wednesday instead of Thursday. I then texted her saying I would rather not come over and explained the overtime situation. I just couldn't face driving all that way for dinner. She agreed that the whole work thing is unreasonable and that I must be tired. I told my parents some about it last week and how I was starting to consider finding another job.

Tonight I am going to bed early. I left work around 9 because I couldn't do a full shift. I really am trying to seem ok. I did enjoy actually being at the meeting because by phone it is hard to actually talk. Being there, I was able to contribute.. mainly rerun stuff. Several of my concerns others actually brought up (I was so tired that I could hardly think) but I was able to explain my experience and we got some things accomplished. I forget at times that this is my first job where my opinion actually matters. I forget that I am more or less (really not intended as bragging) considered the expert on certain topics because it's what I do. I got stuck with the task because my supervisor hated reruns, but I don't want to give it up because it has gotten me so much recognition.

It was nice in the meeting because the boss refers to us as the elite. She really acknowledges how much goes into our job because the machines and computers are dumb. While they can try to make the data accurate, it still takes a lot of training to turn it into an accurate report. I have watched them (her and the medical director) explain to clients why analysts are important. They are taking a lot of steps to make our job easier. I think getting behind finally made them realize how much harder it is now than when I was hired. They realize that the little problems add up. For a while, they seemed to blame us for slowing down rather than acknowledging that the more we test for and the more machines we have, the more complicated it becomes.

I will stop rambling for tonight because I should probably just go to sleep.

Seriously?!

Officially today overtime is now mandatory 2-3 hours a day and on days off. This job may seriously be the death of me. This is fucked up.

I had my evaluation, and it was not as bad as expected. They still said some annoying things. I am a good and hard worker, but basically I don't communicate enough. That I need to be more confident. Like my supervisor said I need to tell her the status of reruns and how many I am getting done. At the same time I should be able to prioritize what needs to be done without asking her. I did defend myself by saying that I do update the lead several times a shift about what is done. The supervisor kind of gives mixed signals about whether or not I am annoying her by coming to her cubicle. I also at some point flat out said that I have severe social anxiety.

The one good thing that came of this was the manager actually asked if I want to be lead, and I said I don't. I said that I am not good at it. They asked if it would bother me if someone newer than me did it, which it won't at all. So now I am co-lead with someone. I am good at answering questions and giving opinions. People are generally comfortable asking me and do so frequently. I am bad at conflict and communicating with other departments (although I mentioned that recently I have been going to the lab with problems directly). I told the lab supervisor about a mistake I found even though I probably got someone in trouble. I also went to him to explain a stat rerun request and why I needed it.

So anyway the most frustrating thing was basically being told that I need to act like I am not stressed. That I need to not stress about things and let them worry about it. I'm sorry but the lead should worry. I also have a fucking mental illness and am working 11 hour shifts. It isn't reasonable to expect me to act happy the whole time. I don't tell anyone besides the supervisor when I am worried. I do not cry at my desk. I joke and laugh and tell people how well they are doing, but I do not smile and laugh 100% of the time. But whatever.

I also have to reschedule therapy so I can show up for the department meeting on my day off every week now. However I am taking my Wednesday off this week because I need sleep. Physically and mentally, I need a day off. I am honestly willing to go to HR if they try to make me work 7 days a week and point out that I have a medical condition (mental and physical) and am happy to get a doctor's note about this to explain that I can't work that much. I am 100% sure my psychiatrist would do that. I can get something limiting my schedule or I can take medical leave and they won't have me at all. Because sooner or later if this trend continues, I am going to end up in the hospital or dead. I keep getting dizzy every morning. I am dehydrated. My liver function is compromised. I am still suicidal at times.

So tonight/tomorrow I mostly plan to sleep. I am beyond exhausted.

Nervous

Work is still currently hell. They officially made overtime mandatory today. We're expected to do at least 5 hours a week or basically 1 a day.. and that's the mandatory. They expect us to do more. Last night I threw up twice during my shift, projectile vomited acid in the parking lot (thank god nobody was there to see that), and 2 or 3 more times at home. Clearly, I am healthy enough to be working so much.

Add to the stress that they're doing our yearly employee evaluations. My supervisor keeps postponing them, which is only making me more anxious. Plus, she says that the manager will be there for mine, and I have a feeling it won't be good. I get the feeling I have annoyed my supervisor lately on days I am lead by asking a lot of questions. Tonight I talked to her several times about what everyone should be working on. I would just rather have an opinion on what is priority because nobody ever tells me clearly what needs to be done when we can't finish everything. I have the one analyst who is so slow and short of saying you're too slow, I don't know what to do. I check on where he is and it makes no difference, but somehow she acts like I should be able to motivate him. I sent her a text yesterday because the manager sent one about people working extra today. I asked my supervisor if anyone was working extra Sunday because there were only 4 of us. Her response was basically that I needed to maintain morale and worrying wouldn't help. But shouldn't I worry about being behind? Anyway, I worry my evaluation is going to involve my mental health and it affecting me. I clearly told her I was not sure about being lead. She made me lead Sunday immediately after I told her I can barely function. And truthfully my level of depression and anxiety is disabling and shouldn't be treated differently than other illnesses because I don't choose to have it. I just feel like alcoholism is treated by some as a choice and they may blame my problems on that. I could be entirely wrong, but I am anxious about the evaluation. I don't know how to make them understand how bad things are, and I need help. I am not getting that help mainly because I am concerned about the company. Also, I worry that because I often want to die, I would be wasting time and money. Also, I worry that returning to such a stressful work environment would trigger a relapse. But I also worry the stress and exhaustion will make me do something stupid or that eventually my body will just give out. I crouched down to file reports and had serious trouble standing back up afterwards.

So supposedly my evaluation is tomorrow, and I will update after. I really can't keep this up physically or mentally.

Songs

This is going to be random musings, so I feel like warning anyone reading it.

I decided to rename my blog and thought I would explain the reference. I have a slight obsession with a band called The Town Pants. My mom introduced me to them after they were at a local Irish festival. I have seen them live once and am hopefully seeing them again this year. I was raised on Irish music. My mom listened to the Clancy brothers and Tommy Makem while folding laundry.. it's one of those childhood memories that stuck with me.

Anyway, there's a couple Town Pants songs I really love and lines that stick in my head. One of them is "I played the fool and broke the rules and let them say their worst 'cause I had an angel's face and twice the devil's thirst". It always felt like it described my alcoholism. Nobody expected me to be an alcoholic. Everyone is surprised when they find out. Nobody really sees me and expects me to have so many mental illnesses. I have that angel's face where people trust me, but I have so many self destructive habits. I can remember this younger man at AA who was seriously surprised by how much I drank, and I was surprised that he thought that. I never drank socially, so I really had no idea at first about how much was considered a lot. I drank a bottle of vodka a day but was convinced others wouldn't think that was a problem. It also wasn't that gradual. I started with a bottle of wine a day. When I switched to vodka, it was 8-10 shots. So my thirst for alcohol and for oblivion was always extreme. It was never just fun. It was to black out. So that's why the song fits.

My other favorite song has a part that goes "Why does feeling like dying make me think that I've been living? Life won't be over if I don't wake up hungover. I don't want to feel this way. Death feels like me today." And that pretty much sums up my life.

So yeah.. if you feel like it look up the Town pants. My actual favorite song is either Mr Valentine's dead or the Rasputin one but those are not so descriptive of my life.

Today I actually went to a friend's house for lunch. I have known her since 4th grade? A long time. We talked about work and pets and random things. I met her 2 dogs and one of her cats insisted on sitting on my lap but then tried to bite me if I touched her. Her parents always had a lot of animals because her mom worked at a vet clinic. They had up to 20 cats and 3 dogs. It was a coworker of her mom's that found Mudge and 2 other kittens in a box and bottle fed them until old enough to be adopted. I had a good time. Afterwards, I went shopping for a new purse but didn't find one. I went grocery shopping and only bought popsicles. By that point I was physically exhausted. I don't know if I am sick or dehydrated or just tired, so I am home and back in bed now. Tomorrow I have therapy and my parents. Hoping I can handle it.

Struggling

I am definitely struggling. After the stomach bug, I know I have been low on energy. I went to work Saturday and standing was physically exhausting. Then Sunday if I crossed my legs, they would either fall asleep or I would have excruciating cramps in my calf muscles. So obviously I am dehydrated or my electrolytes are off. I also am pretty sure I have lost weight but am too scared to weigh myself.

Then for several days I feel like I am losing hope. It started with realizing there is unlikely to be a time in the foreseeable future that we will have enough people at work for me to take time off without it being a major inconvenience. I have on some level accepted that I need to go inpatient (although I don't know if it would help or if I am motivated), but I know right now that we are struggling to keep up with me there. One less analyst would only make it worse.

So for a few days I felt I was handling the stress. Then Monday the manager told me to work on cases when I finished __ number of reruns, and I was struck with the thought that no amount of work is good enough. When I went to get reports from the filing cabinet (thankfully in a separate room), I just started crying. I worked 11 hours Monday. I threw up around midnight but stayed until past 2:30. Today I just couldn't handle things. I was exhausted. I got an email explaining that they want us to work overtime this week but won't pay us for it. Another email setting an unreasonable goal for the day. It is like nobody is acknowledging we simply don't have enough people for the samples we are getting. I feel like as soon as we catch up, we will have another high volume day and be behind again. I am exhausted, suicidal, and physically unwell.. but I feel terribly guilty for not working overtime. I cried several times. I said to my supervisor that I feel like this is just going to continue and that it's bullshit they won't even pay us. They are interviewing people but it takes months to fully train someone. I then offered to come in on my day off and she said it mattered more that I be ok, so I think it was obvious that I was struggling. I then left the room and cried.

It just doesn't feel like there's hope. I feel too guilty to take medical leave. I feel like if I am still suicidal then I will just go back to drinking even if I go inpatient because I never am mentally well after just a week. It would be a waste if I am not motivated. Physically, I am not well. I am still vomiting at night. I am dehydrated. However, I don't think anyone will take it seriously since it is caused by alcohol. I am back to depending on energy drinks and diet pills. I keep thinking that I should warn my supervisor or manager that I might unexpectedly end up in the hospital, but I don't think there's a way to tell someone you might end up in the hospital for a suicide attempt without freaking them out. It isn't a normal thing to say.

I am taking my days off this week. I am having lunch with a friend, and I desperately want to cancel because I just want to sleep.. but I will go. I don't want to be rude, and I really need to stop isolating. I will go to therapy and see my parents and try to be normal. Then Friday I will go back to work and find out if this endless overtime will continue. I honestly feel like the only way I will end up taking medical leave is if I do try to kill myself, but I hope (?) it won't come to that.