Caffeine

 I swear if I have a breakdown in the near future, this is going to be why. Actually, it all may or may not be a result of skipping my Wellbutrin. I've basically gotten myself into the vicious cycle with caffeine. It started somewhat innocently with drinking an extra cup of coffee because I was tired. At some point, I decided coffee was not going to cut it. I had bought some OTC diet pills that are mostly just caffeine pills. I took them once, and they made me nauseous. I decided to not take them. Then I started feeling exhausted, and I decided those were the solution. Except taking one wasn't enough. I took them twice a day (which is actually what the bottle recommends). I was still exhausted, and I decided it was cheaper and more practical to just buy caffeine pills. Somehow, 2 pills became 4. Then of course I started sleeping poorly.. waking up a lot, trouble falling asleep. That meant I was more tired, so I kept consuming more caffeine. Now, I've reached a point where I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. I don't know how to stop the pills. I know I need to take the Wellbutrin and cut back the caffeine, but that's all easier said than done. I think this is going to end up with me inpatient.

Yet another new therapist

 I am back to being too lazy to check what I have written previously and so probably repeating myself, which is not exactly a new habit. Plus honestly, if anyone reads this they might want the recap. Anyway, at the end of December my old therapist stopped accepting my insurance. Honestly, I was ok with this because she had on more than one occasion announced that I said I didn't want to get better and therefore she couldn't help me. Only problem is that I never said that and she is misinterpreting something I did say and deciding without clarifying that I don't want to get better. Plus, she really wanted me to get a job and would not listen to any of my arguments about why I wanted to at least wait and see if disability works out since I've been waiting over a year for a decision about it. I started in December with a new physicians assistant for my meds at a new psychiatrist's office and made an appointment with a therapist there for January. 

In January, I saw this new therapist, but then she couldn't see me again for almost a month because her schedule is so full. I saw her in February, and while I had appointments scheduled for the rest of February, she couldn't see me the first 3 weeks of March. While I'm relatively stable, I don't think I'm doing well enough to be going 3 weeks to a month between appointments. The PA agreed with me, so he asked the office staff to schedule me with another therapist. I am trying to see if I can see someone out of that same office because then I think the PA and therapist can communicate more easily than if I go elsewhere. I actually didn't like the first therapist there anyways (besides the schedule issue) because she seemed like a robot. She'd just keep saying "tell me about that" instead of giving any sort of feedback. Then she decided I should do EMDR because that's what she does, and I agreed because I am non confrontational. However, I don't really have a history of trauma, which is the main thing they use EMDR for. 

Today, I saw the new therapist, and I got a better feeling about her. I hate first therapy appointments because I don't know what to talk about. I basically said the main problems right now are depression and self harm. I obviously mentioned the alcohol and the bulimia, but I'm doing pretty ok with those things. We talked about why I'm cutting and if I want to change.. I said it's pretty much 50/50. I want to change, but I also know that self harm works and I don't have anything to replace it with. We talked about other things I can try like exercise or journalling, and I did say that I had started writing on my blog again. She asked if I would share something I wrote, and I awkwardly said no.. mostly I was unprepared, but I also like having some privacy. I'm sometimes more honest on here than I would be with my therapist. Anyway, she seems nice and very goal oriented, which is good for me. I lied when she asked if there's any thoughts of suicide. I'm.. not sure what the answer even is. I'm not really suicidal, but I have these urges to do certain behaviors that might be seen as suicidal. To me it's more wanting to hurt myself severely enough to need to be hospitalized, but I am assuming I won't die. Anyway, I didn't mention that. I don't know if she would push me to go inpatient, and I'm not really interested in going inpatient. I don't really have a plan, so I don't think it's necessary at this point. I see the therapist again next week, so I'll see how I'm feeling about things then. 

Speaking of secrets and lies.. I have gotten good at ordering innocent items and less innocent items from Amazon in the same orders, so that if my parents ask I can say I bought some normal thing without mentioning the other item. Today's innocent purchases were a shirt, a bra, and an eyeshadow pencil. The less innocent purchases were caffeine pills and first aid supplies. I have gotten very dependent on caffeine, and I only bought a small number of diet pills a few weeks ago. I also honestly think it's self care to buy first aid supplies since I am going to self harm one way or another. This lessens the risk of infection or serious scarring. Still, I can't explain either of those purchases to my parents. The bra is actually so that if I end up going inpatient, I have another bra without an underwire because I refuse to go without a bra in the hospital, and I only have a couple of bras without underwires (which aren't allowed in hospitals here). The shirt is a green shirt to wear to the North Texas Irish Festival.. assuming I don't get myself hospitalized between now and then. Can you see that I have decided the hospitalization is inevitable? I just don't want it to happen yet. My brain is a strange place these days. 

Awkward appointment

 So I saw the physicians assistant who does my psych meds today. I actually like this guy, which is a lot more than I could say for the last person I was seeing. He asked how I was doing, and I said I'm ok in what I thought was a pretty convincing voice. He said I seemed down, so I guess not so convincing. I explained how I had stopped taking my Wellbutrin for a few days, and obviously he asked why. I tried to awkwardly explain the logic that I was having a lot of self destructive thoughts, but that my mood didn't match. So you know.. logically.. I should make my mood worse to make it match my thoughts. Then I quickly add that this is something I have done frequently in the past, which is true. Thankfully, he didn't try to argue with my logic, and I said I did take it today. I took it mostly because despite having 2 cups of coffee and 2 cans of diet soda and a diet pill, I am still so tired I could cry. Oh and I slept like 10 hours last night. 

I also explained how I don't think it is going to work with the therapist I am seeing. I didn't get into my issues with her style because that's not really the issue. The issue is that sometimes her schedule is so full that I would go 3 weeks to a month without therapy, and I said that I'm not exactly doing well enough to be going without therapy. He totally agreed with me, and he sent a message to someone to see if I could start seeing someone else who he thinks is more available. She also does EMDR, which I am not totally sold on but was willing to try. He asked if things had been going ok with the other therapist, and I basically said it was too early to tell. I'm afraid to sound critical of therapists because in the past my parents have acted like it's my fault that therapy wasn't working because I was either lying or not trying. I'm afraid if I say that it's not working that he'll assume I just wasn't willing to try. So now my appointments with the current therapist have been cancelled, and I see someone new next week. I am seriously hoping this person will do more than say "tell me more about that."

I'm going to be honest for a second, so I guess trigger warning. My head is totally fucked up. I have this stockpile of pills that I have gathered for various reasons (like I didn't take my meds because I was nauseous but didn't want anyone to know so I hid them). I keep thinking about ODing, but I come up with reasons not to do it yet. Like I don't want to do it before we're supposed to have dinner with my brother because I don't want to screw up those plans.. or I'm supposed to have an optometrist appointment on Monday.. or now I have this new therapist appointment. I still think about it though... a lot. The thoughts have been going on for weeks now, which is what prompted me to mess with my meds and sabotage things more. I honestly can't tell if I'm suicidal or just self destructive or if it really matters which it is. Today I am too tired to do anything. I am just going through the motions until I can collapse into bed at 10. 

So I get points for being more honest than not during my appointment today. I admitted to cutting as well. I lied about how bad the thoughts are. In my defense, I do not have an actual plan to do anything, so I didn't really lie. All I can really do is go through the motions and take things one day at a time. The PA did increase my lithium, so maybe that will make some difference.. and maybe I'll start taking the Wellbutrin again. That could help with the exhaustion. I can't handle the exhaustion. Caffeine is hardly making a dent in it. I'm rambling now... so I'll stop. 

Still managing

 I haven't known what to write the past few days. I'm not doing so well. I haven't been taking my Wellbutrin in my continued attempt at self sabotage, and I'm starting to feel the difference. I'm consuming a ridiculous amount of caffeine to keep functioning, which is fun because it makes me nauseous. I haven't done anything more self destructive than usual, so I suppose that's good. It doesn't mean my thoughts are any better. 

I see my psych this week, and I think I will bring up with him that I don't think the therapist is going to work out. There's a few reasons. The main one is that her schedule is so full that I end up having several weeks in a row with no appointment. It happened for the majority of January, and she can't see me during the first 3 weeks of March. Clearly, I am not well enough to be without therapy for almost a month. I also just don't think her style will work.. she's very much the "How does that make you feel?" style. I will talk, and she'll just keep saying "Tell me about that." Now she wants to work on EMDR, and my issue with it is the same as when my therapist in residential brought it up. EMDR deals mainly with the past, and I'm having far too much trouble in the present to try to deal with the past. I need help with my current thoughts and feelings and behaviors more than the origin of my core beliefs and whatever else I'm supposed to be dealing with. Does that seem reasonable? Maybe it's just an excuse, but I currently expect to end up inpatient in the next couple weeks. I'm hanging on by a thread. Anyway, the first reason is probably enough to justify changing. My hope is that there's someone within the same practice that can see me regularly, and it's a bonus if that person has a different style. I need feedback and not to just ramble endlessly. I am well aware that my thoughts aren't logical, so I need them challenged. I haven't been entirely honest with her, so that might be a problem. I'm just trying to delay the inevitable hospitalization. 

It might be good.. or pointless, but I am sort of attending online AA meetings. I don't know if I mentioned this, but it was discussed with my case manager for the disability attorney that it might look good if I can show I am working on maintaining my recovery. I say sort of because at least once I have logged on to the website and then stayed logged in without actually listening to the meeting, but the topic was on how our higher power shows up in our lives. I don't do the higher power thing at the moment (which is a whole other post). Several meetings I have at least listened in on. I honestly don't have a lot of thoughts are feeling about it because I don't feel connected to much of anything or anyone anymore. I'm just going through the motions. I am so tired. I've been going to sleep around 10:30 and sleeping until 8:30, so I'm sleeping 9-10 hours a night. That's after at least 2 cups of coffee, 3-4 diet sodas, and a diet pill. If I end up inpatient, I am going to crash so hard. 

I think I should write something else, but I don't know what. The lack of medication is fucking with my head. I'm just going through the motions and caffeinating enough to keep up appearances. I see my psych tomorrow, and maybe I'll at least be honest about not taking the medication. 

Self sabotage

 I am really struggling at the moment. My mood is slightly better.. I laugh more, I smile more, and I don't feel like I'm going to cry at any moment. However, my thoughts are still absolute shit. Actually, it's not just thoughts. It's behaviors too. I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts and thoughts about self harm.. actually what I have in my head is less an actual suicide attempt and more a massive form of self harm. I am cutting. I am hoarding pills (although I've had a stash for months now). What I'm really struggling with is the difference between my thoughts and my feelings. I think my mood should be sad if I'm having all these thoughts.

So the only rational thing is to start messing with my meds, right? I decided to cut back on my Lithium and Wellbutrin for the week and see what happens. This is the sabotage the title is referring to. I know nothing good will come of this. Either it will make no difference or more likely it will make things worse. Obviously, I haven't told anyone. I have therapy tomorrow and am debating in my head how much I can tell her before she decides I need to go inpatient (she's already asked me if I think I need it). I am ok with her suggesting it but not if she decides she needs to call my parents or the police or something. That's what I'm avoiding because I don't want to go until I decide I want to go. I know it's likely to happen, but I'm just not ready to admit that. 

Wow, I really intended to have a more coherent post, but it didn't end up that way. I am safe. My head is just in a horrible place, and I don't know what to do about it. If I went inpatient now and I smile or laugh, they'll think I'm fine or I'm lying. I may decide to go back on all of my meds. I didn't throw the pills out. I just put them somewhere. Rationally, I know I need help, but I'm not exactly rational most of the time. 

An introduction

 It occurred to me after giving this link to a couple people that you would have to read several years of entries to get to an introduction. I think maybe I should make it something I include occasionally. 

My name is Beth. I am a 35 year old woman living in Texas. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, alcohol dependence, and bulimia nervosa. I live with my parents at the moment and 2 cats.

I include the cats because they are a big motivation to stay alive. I have been hospitalized more times than I could possibly count. About half of those were for depression/suicidal ideation and the other half for detox/alcohol. I've also been to residential treatment for bulimia and rehab several times for alcoholism. In all honesty, I will probably end up inpatient again in the next couple weeks for self harm and suicidal ideation. It's just a question of if I choose to go or the choice is made for me. 

I am not currently working. I lost my last job after I had the brilliant idea to get a motel room and try to kill myself without calling in sick to work. I then ignored all the texts from work for those days in the motel and the days in the ICU after. A few days ago I updated on my journey trying to apply for disability since then. I have had a variety of jobs. I have my bachelors degree in biology. I tried to work on my masters, but alcoholism got in the way of that. 

Currently, I am trying to recover from the bulimia.. while also trying to lose weight. That's tricky. I drank a couple weeks ago, but before that I had been sober since December.. before that sober since September.. before that since April... basically drinking every few months, which is better than I managed for years. I'm not so much trying to stop self harm because I am dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety and hopelessness. 

I don't have much else to say. I will just generally say there should be a trigger warning for the blog, but I really try to be aware of the people who might be reading. I am mostly writing for myself, but it helps me to think someone might read this because it makes me feel like writing has some purpose. I'm not so good at keeping up with journals, but this blog has been going since 2014. 

Oh and to explain the name and the url.. The blog was originally called Crazy or Sick after a conversation I had with a therapist. She objected to calling myself crazy, but I tried to explain that it bothers me less to say crazy than it does to say I'm sick. At some point I changed the name to Twice the Devil's Thirst, which is a line in a song. It says "I played the fool and broke the rules, and let them say their worst 'cause I had an angel's face and twice the devil's thirst." People always used to tell me that they wouldn't have suspected me of being an alcoholic or even in AA they would say they would never have thought I drank so much, so I guess I don't have the face of an alcoholic. I definitely have the thirst of an alcoholic though. 

Reading and remembering

 So since I've decided to come back to this blog, I decided I should reread old entries. I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea because in the past my rule was that I wasn't allowed to read old journals. If I did read them, it was often in an effort to sabotage any progress I had made. It's just that I tend to journal the negative things. I tried guided journals that have you write about gratitude and hope, and it just isn't what I am trying to accomplish when I journal. Here is a little different because I write under the assumption that someone will read it, which may or may not be the case. That means I also tend to journal objectively and explain events that occurred and about people in my life. I just try to include what happened before I process my feelings about it. 

Still, I'm currently reading from 2016, and there's not a whole lot positive that happened that year. My life consisted of drinking and working and sleeping and very little else. I try to forget those years when I was drinking for a couple of reasons. 1) It was a very negative time and I was very sick. I was living in an apartment that was a total mess. I was drinking and cutting. I had pretty much lost all friends. 2) Despite that, I miss those days. I miss being physically sick and so weak I couldn't carry things up stairs. I miss being able to numb out everything with alcohol. I miss my job and my apartment even if it was unlivable. I miss my AA friends.

So I honestly think that I am reading this as self sabotage again. Trigger warning for this. I am currently self destructive and a little suicidal, and I'm not really actively trying to change that. I lied about the extent of the self harm and the suicidal thoughts to both my therapist and the PA that does my meds. I ordered razors and first aid supplies on Amazon. I told myself that's progress because cutting has a much lower risk of infection than the burning I was doing, and it heals faster. I can't really explain why I don't want the suicidal thoughts to go away. I think the best I can explain it is that I read a book about borderline personality disorder that left me viewing suicide attempts as a massive form of self harm. I also over the years have encountered staff in hospitals that didn't really take me seriously if I was just suicidal but hadn't actually done anything; so if I'm going to end up back inpatient (which seems likely), I feel like I need to do something. 

The biggest thing I miss right now is other people. I miss having friends. I miss having coworkers. I miss having anyone in my life that wasn't my parents or my brother. You might thing that would inspire me to reach out to them, but I am also reading this and seeing how toxic I was. That particular job... I made no effort to hide the self harm. They knew about my drinking. I left at least twice.. maybe it's 3 times to go IP, but mostly I worried people. It's the same with people from AA. I was way to dependent on a couple of people, and that generally means when I go downhill they are the ones to get hurt. I can't bring myself to reach out to them when I am doing quite badly. It would be unfair to them. Although as I am writing this, I at least posted a photo on facebook so that they know I'm alive. 

I also miss my independence despite the fact that I was clearly not doing a good job at living on my own. I write about going shopping and wandering around stores all the time. I write about sleeping past noon (I was working 3:30PM-12AM at the time). I also miss the freedom to drink, which makes no sense because I was so mentally and physically unwell. I had to go to the ER more than once for dehydration and low potassium because I kept vomiting everyday. In some ways being physically unwell made me feel better because at least it was visible. Depression tends to be invisible, or at least I make an effort to hide it. 

I don't know. I think I am rambling. The synopsis is that I am rereading this blog, and I think it's to sabotage myself. I need to stop, but I keep going. 

Disabled

 Please if anyone reads this and has some kind of negative opinion about people being on disability, just keep it to your self. Let's not criticize the suicidal girl, ok? Feedback is always welcome, but I know this is a touchy topic. 

Back in May or June of 2020, I was inpatient followed by 2 suicide attempts. I was actually in that hospital for 18 days, which is pretty much unheard of here, but things were just that bad. While I was there, my parents suggested I get a disability attorney and try applying again. I applied back in 2017 or 2018, and I was denied. It took so long to hear back that basically I had gotten enough better that they said I wasn't sick enough. I'm paraphrasing because I don't remember the actual decision. Anyway, my parents said I should get an attorney because almost no one gets approved in this state. Of course, I then went to residential and then inpatient and then residential again, so it wasn't until November 2020 that I found an attorney and applied. 

Then I waited. 

I mean there was some things that happened.. mainly I had to continue to update my case manager at the attorney's office about when I was in treatment and what doctor I was seeing. In October of 2021 (so almost a year later), I had a video call with a psychologist to basically ask me a bunch of questions and then he reports back to the disability office. Here I made the mistake of mentioning my alcoholism. I tried to be very clear that I haven't been drinking regularly during the time since I have been "disabled." As bad as 2020 was, I lost my job in February, and since then I drank on less than 10 days. Pretty much all those days correspond to my suicide attempts or suicide plans. In 2021, I drank in March or April, once in September, and once in December. 

Still, in January 2022, I finally got a decision. Of course it was denied, which I expected. What matters to me is the reason. 

"You said you were unable to work as of 02/14/2020 because of major depression and anxiety. 

We have determined that you are not entitled to disability benefits. We have reviewed the facts in your case and decided that drug addiction and/or alcoholism is a contributing factor material to a finding of disability. This means you would not be disabled if you stopped using drugs and/or alcohol. Therefore, we cannot consider you disabled under the law."

I am not going to pretend I am not an alcoholic. I am not going to deny I have lost a job because of alcoholism... although it was a little complicated. The fact is that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 10 years before I started drinking. I was depressed before the alcoholism. I was depressed during periods of sobriety. I was severely depressed the times I was in treatment in 2020 and 2021, and obviously I wasn't drinking while I was in residential/inpatient. My depression is not caused by my alcoholism. I mainly drank in the past 2 years because I was suicidal, and it's a lot less difficult to do that when you're drunk. I had to explain all this to the case manager at the attorney, and I honestly can't remember what I told them about the alcoholism in the beginning. She seemed to understand me and said they'd file an appeal, which will probably be denied again. Then if they appeal again, I can actually request a hearing and explain things. 

If you're wondering how I reacted to the decision.. not so well. On the surface, I acted like it was fine because I was too ashamed to tell my parents the reason for the decision. Shame and guilt and depression are probably a lot of what led to drinking last week. Since then, I cannot tell if it's a direct result of drinking or if it's related to the shame again, but my thoughts are pretty horrible. *TW* I'm not sleeping well, and I'm not just having my usual suicidal thoughts at night. I'm wondering about stabbing myself. I'm wondering about all sorts of cutting. I'm wondering about pouring boiling water on myself. Then there's stuff I won't go into. Once again on the surface, I am fine. I am afraid to speak about what's going on in my head because I don't want to be hospitalized at this point. I think it's inevitable, but I am trying to put it off a bit longer. 

Mentally, I have kinda given up on disability, but I feel like I've waited this long and should stick it out. Plus, I don't want to tell this attorney's office that I've given up after all the work they've done. Also, I do legitimately think that working right now would be a bad idea. If nothing else, I'm probably going to end up in the hospital soon. 

Coming back

I probably won't write for very long. This post is mostly to tell anyone who might still read this that I am planning to start writing again. For most of 2020, I didn't write because I was constantly in and out of treatment. In 2021, I just didn't feel my life was worth writing about. I still don't, but I need to write somewhere. I prefer this over a paper journal. 
As far as life goes

The good

• I haven't been inpatient since April 2021
• I am consistently doing therapy and taking my meds (all 6 of them)
• I gained a bunch of weight over the past 2 years, but I've lost 25lb now

The bad

• I am still living with my parents (although I suppose the positive there is that I have somewhere to live)
• I applied for disability back at the end of 2020 and am still dealing with that, which will probably be a whole post that I'm not ready to write today
• I have only been sober since January 25th, but I am not drinking regularly
• I have been off and on in a relapse for bulimia since I was last inpatient
• I am on 6 fucking medications that I'm not even sure are working
• I'm currently pretty self destructive and suicidal

I might honestly edit to add to the lists because there's more. My life is still very boring and repetitive, but my thoughts and depression are constantly changing. I am emotionally attached to this blog because it goes back pretty far, so I would never start over unless I had to. I don't know if anyone will read this. It doesn't really matter. That's all for now because this was an impulsive decision to write again, and I should probably give it some thought before I say much else. Thanks if anyone is around and made it through this post.