I feel kinda weird today. Not sure why or exactly what weird means. I think I have in my mind that I will stop drinking after today. My new sobriety will be January 1st 2015, which is awfully cliche. Still.. somehow. I think liquor stores are closed on new years anyway.
On top of that, weather is looking to be bad tonight. Compared to some people reading this, weather here is nothing compared to yours. The problem is in Texas, USA, we have no snow plows, we don't really salt the roads, we don't do snow tires or chains or any sort of adaptation for winter. So tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be freezing rain/ice, which means the roads will be awful/dangerous. But the temperature won't get below 28 F
I was planning to go to my parents house tomorrow for dinner, but I really hate driving on icy roads. Annoying because I want to do laundry at my parents house because it doesn't require me getting money. Also, generally this sort of weather makes me a bit crazy. Last winter, there were a few days where that I couldn't move my car. There was enough ice around the tires that I could not move it if I wanted to, and I go a bit crazy trapped at home for more than a day. I know as soon as I could drive, I drove to the liquor store.
This is not a desperate need. I went out today and got groceries. Admittedly, I bought an odd variety. If I go shopping while not hungry, I buy odd things. Frozen soft pretzel bites= great. White bean, spinach, feta burrito= not so good. I have a few other things to try. The goal was to have something at least in case I get stuck here.
I am still hoping to stop drinking. I know my behavior does not match that intent, but alcohol has really fucked up my life. I know I cannot keep living this way. I finally went and filled the prescription for blood pressure medication that was prescribed while I was in the hospital. It is not the medicine for detox, but it would help. So I did fill it. I am trying to be aware of how I am feeling and be willing to get help if needed even if it involves hospitalization.
Random, I was slowly making progress with my gerbil. I got her to take a treat from me (not through the bars) without biting. Then I went to add more bedding. My apartment is cold, and I read they like to burrow, so I wanted to add more bedding. Well, she climbed up on the door of the cage, and somehow in the whole event fell from there to the floor. It took a couple attempts to catch her. My cat was more disturbed than interested in catching her. I actually managed to pick her up because she bit and latched onto my finger. Whatever.. I got her back in the cage.
Is it weird that I judge my value as a human being by my ability to care for a rodent? and two felines. Pets in general. In the same way (to a much less extent) my video games reflect who I am. Every outside thing tells me who I am inside. That's the only way I can figure it out.
I did learn a lesson about making sure the gerbil is nowhere near the door of the cage. She is obsessed with escaping, and it is not in her best interest to be free in the apartment. The cage will be guarded. She will get treats (almonds and apple chips I don't think she likes) and I will try to find things to keep her entertained. If I am making this a metaphor for my life, I will not give up. I will try to figure out what is best.
Today I will be happy that while I am drunk, I am safely home in my apartment. While there were some issues, my dear gerbil is back in her cage and seems happy. Everything seems ok, and that is good enough.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Judgmental friends
Over the past year or so, my list of friends has dwindled to only a very few that I actually ever see. I think alcohol plays a large role in this because I generally prefer to spend my evenings drinking alone. Anything that interferes with that makes me anxious or irritated. For a long time, I saw two of my friends (and their son) weekly, but that hasn't been happening as often.
Some of this is that I go to AA so much or I get wrapped up with school, and I just don't have the energy to interact with people. This friend I have known for at least a decade and her husband for 6 years or so. She has watched me through every addiction. She was there in high school when the self harm started. She was there in college when the bulimia started. She was there when the alcoholism started. She's seen me go in and out of treatment and hospitals.
The thing is that she still doesn't understand the reality of this. Sometime last year, I had asked to stay at their house for a few days to stop drinking. She started asking me about going to treatment. She was talking about going somewhere longer term.. not just a couple weeks. She's brought it up periodically since then. I was there Christmas Eve, and I was admittedly shaking.. I had drank one or two days since leaving the hospital, which is a LOT less than I had before. I really was just unsteady in general because of stress. Anyway, she and her husband would ask how I was doing. She does it with this facial expression that looks like pity or something. It makes me think of how people look at children. I was trying to say that I had been doing better. That things were ok because things really were going better. I also just really didn't want to talk about it. I really feel judged when I talk to them. I get that I have been very, very sick, but I don't think they see any progress.
Sometime she asked about grad school and if I was considering long term treatment after graduation. She does NOT understand the financial problems involved. I owe a few thousand dollars to a couple hospitals already. If I graduate and go to treatment
1. I would not be working to pay rent
2. I would not be working to have health insurance
3. I would not have any way to pay for treatment
She mentioned someone she worked with (I think that's who it was) going for several months to a treatment center. It was one of the treatment centers that doesn't take insurance. She does not understand the tens of thousands of dollars that costs.
Another friend I ate lunch with Saturday. She was asking about how things are. I couldn't even make eye contact. I hate when people ask if they could help because I know they can't. I hate that searching look when people try to figure out if I'm lying. She asked if I was considering going to rehab, and I just don't have time to go now. Even if I could afford it.
Really, I hate these questions because even I don't know what the fuck I should be doing. I am scared. I would absolutely love to be able to stop my life and go away somewhere. I would love to have someone else in control. I would love to have the money to go to a nice treatment center and not worry about insurance giving out. I would love to do what my friends are asking. It just isn't possible. On the 12th school starts again and I start working.
I am so tired. I am purging more and more. Today I didn't eat until almost 8pm, so my stomach is upset. I had planned to drink, but I've only had a few shots because I feel sick.
I went to 2 AA meetings today. I do wonder why I go. The meeting at 6 my mind was having this argument because I desperately wanted to drink but I also desperately did not want to eat anything. (the story at the end might help explain why I didn't feel like eating). The chairperson was a guy I really don't like, but he was nice today. He asked quietly if I wanted to share rather than just calling on me. He always calls on me. I think he thinks I can't speak because I never talk at the meetings he chairs. He's also been an asshole in other ways. I left and got vodka and got dinner, but I think made a poor choice about where to go. Yesterday, I went to a freaking buffet to binge at lunch time. I also purged my actual lunch.
I hate my life. I really do. I've been feeling a bit suicidal today. Driving I would think about swerving into oncoming traffic. I have this obsession with feeling the veins in my arms. Wondering how far below the skin they are. I am not going to do something, but the thoughts are there.
*trigger warning/ gross story*
I guess I did get sick last night. Not entirely sure how much I drank, but I apparently vomited on the floor of my bedroom, so I got to try to clean that up today. My apartment is in such terrible shape, and I don't even know where to start on cleaning. I honestly think I drink sometimes to feel better about that.
Some of this is that I go to AA so much or I get wrapped up with school, and I just don't have the energy to interact with people. This friend I have known for at least a decade and her husband for 6 years or so. She has watched me through every addiction. She was there in high school when the self harm started. She was there in college when the bulimia started. She was there when the alcoholism started. She's seen me go in and out of treatment and hospitals.
The thing is that she still doesn't understand the reality of this. Sometime last year, I had asked to stay at their house for a few days to stop drinking. She started asking me about going to treatment. She was talking about going somewhere longer term.. not just a couple weeks. She's brought it up periodically since then. I was there Christmas Eve, and I was admittedly shaking.. I had drank one or two days since leaving the hospital, which is a LOT less than I had before. I really was just unsteady in general because of stress. Anyway, she and her husband would ask how I was doing. She does it with this facial expression that looks like pity or something. It makes me think of how people look at children. I was trying to say that I had been doing better. That things were ok because things really were going better. I also just really didn't want to talk about it. I really feel judged when I talk to them. I get that I have been very, very sick, but I don't think they see any progress.
Sometime she asked about grad school and if I was considering long term treatment after graduation. She does NOT understand the financial problems involved. I owe a few thousand dollars to a couple hospitals already. If I graduate and go to treatment
1. I would not be working to pay rent
2. I would not be working to have health insurance
3. I would not have any way to pay for treatment
She mentioned someone she worked with (I think that's who it was) going for several months to a treatment center. It was one of the treatment centers that doesn't take insurance. She does not understand the tens of thousands of dollars that costs.
Another friend I ate lunch with Saturday. She was asking about how things are. I couldn't even make eye contact. I hate when people ask if they could help because I know they can't. I hate that searching look when people try to figure out if I'm lying. She asked if I was considering going to rehab, and I just don't have time to go now. Even if I could afford it.
Really, I hate these questions because even I don't know what the fuck I should be doing. I am scared. I would absolutely love to be able to stop my life and go away somewhere. I would love to have someone else in control. I would love to have the money to go to a nice treatment center and not worry about insurance giving out. I would love to do what my friends are asking. It just isn't possible. On the 12th school starts again and I start working.
I am so tired. I am purging more and more. Today I didn't eat until almost 8pm, so my stomach is upset. I had planned to drink, but I've only had a few shots because I feel sick.
I went to 2 AA meetings today. I do wonder why I go. The meeting at 6 my mind was having this argument because I desperately wanted to drink but I also desperately did not want to eat anything. (the story at the end might help explain why I didn't feel like eating). The chairperson was a guy I really don't like, but he was nice today. He asked quietly if I wanted to share rather than just calling on me. He always calls on me. I think he thinks I can't speak because I never talk at the meetings he chairs. He's also been an asshole in other ways. I left and got vodka and got dinner, but I think made a poor choice about where to go. Yesterday, I went to a freaking buffet to binge at lunch time. I also purged my actual lunch.
I hate my life. I really do. I've been feeling a bit suicidal today. Driving I would think about swerving into oncoming traffic. I have this obsession with feeling the veins in my arms. Wondering how far below the skin they are. I am not going to do something, but the thoughts are there.
*trigger warning/ gross story*
I guess I did get sick last night. Not entirely sure how much I drank, but I apparently vomited on the floor of my bedroom, so I got to try to clean that up today. My apartment is in such terrible shape, and I don't even know where to start on cleaning. I honestly think I drink sometimes to feel better about that.
Friday, December 26, 2014
3 days of Christmas
Don't know about 12 days of Christmas, but I had to manage 3 in a row this year. Christmas Eve was presents with friends and then church. Christmas day was AA and then baking with my mom. The 26th was actual gifts, dinner, and a bit of shopping with family.
I have not been real enthusiastic about seeing anyone lately. Between my attempts at sobriety and my relapse with bulimia, I would love to be left alone. It would also be bad to be left alone. I would still love it.
On December 23rd, I relapsed with drinking. I went through most of a bottle of vodka. I think I blacked out... not real sure. I did go to AA at noon, but then I did a bit of Christmas shopping and went to the liquor store. I did enjoy it, but the next day I regretted it. I had planned this relapse so that if I got rid of the vodka after finishing for the night, I'd be at church too late on christmas eve to buy more, and Christmas liquor stores are closed. I didn't finish the bottle, but I didn't drink the next day.
So Christmas Eve, I was just stressed. I went to AA. Then I needed to exchange presents with my friends and their 2 year old son. I also needed to make food for a church potluck. I was not really sure about the potluck, but I felt I should go. Last year I was in rehab over christmas. The year before.. I remember being late. I don't remember if it was that day or good friday I went outside and started crying before i managed to pull myself together enough to eat.
Well, I was running late with traffic. I stopped to buy ingredients for the fruit salad I was making plus a bowl to mix it in because I forgot to bring one. This day is part of the nativity fast for my church, so the meal is no meat or dairy, which is why I picked fruit. Well, I get to their house and in gathering bags from my car, I drop the bag with the glass bowl in it. I oddly enough have another bowl in the trunk of my car from some occasion or another. There son was throwing a tantrum, so I was in the kitchen for a while before we could do presents. My hands were shaking some, but they hadn't been earlier and they were ok after this, so I don't know if it was alcohol.
Presents were exchanged. I got a cool tshirt. They got some measuring cups and practical stuff. Their son I gave a tricycle. I had meant to buy it for his birthday, but that was while I was unemployed. They liked that. He liked the measuring cups, but I'm sure he'll like the tricycle once assembled.
I survived the potluck. I waited until most people had gone to get food. I was a little uncomfortable because some families had brought wine. The normal Christmas eve liturgy was at 7. Then at around 10, there was a 2nd service. Only about 8 of us stayed for it. I was a little uncomfortable with that few people and with sharing a music stand and books (switching back and forth between 4 booklets) with someone. I declined holding a candle in case my hands would shake. Last Good Friday, the woman sharing the music with me had to hold it because my hands were shaking so badly. It ended up being good. Didn't get home until after midnight.
Christmas day, my sponsor convinced me to help heat up and transfer food to AA for the potluck sort of lunch there. It was frustrating because 1. I was supposed to pick up one woman and sat waiting in my car for over 10 minutes until she was ready 2. The other woman who was supposed to come was around an hour late and 3. my sponsor's boyfriend Kenny was there. He enjoys questioning me and making me talk because I was so quiet for so long. It makes me really uncomfortable at times. He's not inappropriate. I just don't like talking around some people. We managed to get everything ready. I went to the noon meeting and quickly left before the food was served at 1. I had mentioned this to my sponsor (she knows about the ED) but Kenny kind of commented on it. I just said I had to go and gave him a hug when he asked.
The day at my parent's house was ok. There was some drama over not having all the ingredients for one recipe and nowhere being open on Christmas. It all settled eventually. I woke up on the 26th and when my brother got their we opened gifts. I got some nice things. Also got a gift card because one thing I want is a new laptop. I am paying for a portion of it, plus they didn't want to pick for me, so I got a gift card.
After that, my mom and I went searching for another Christmas tree. A small one to add to what they have. We found that, and I had also been talking about buying a gerbil. Well, originally I wanted a rat, but I guess you're usually supposed to have a pair or a lot of free time. Plus, I'd need a new/bigger cage. I didn't want a hamster because the big ones are not that cute, and the dwarf ones are mean. Like enjoy the taste of human flesh mean (my mom had one and then a pair of another kind later). So I wanted a gerbil. My mom still had the hamster cage since her last one died (old age), so I just needed food, bedding, and the gerbil. We looked at 1 pet store, but I didn't like the ones there very much. I also kinda wanted a female (if you've seen male hamsters you'd understand why visually females are preferable). We went to a 2nd store, and I picked one out.
I took her home and set up the cage and put her in. I tried feeding her part of a carrot later, and she bit me pretty hard. For now, I am not picking her up until she is less stressed. She has a nice cage, bedding, food, plus the carrot piece I dropped and a piece of graham cracker I dropped in after the rid home.
So I survived 3 days of friends, strangers, and family. I am drinking tonight, so maybe not survived well. I was stressed in part because I didn't leave my parent's house until after 10. I also looked at the weather forecast and I am supposed to have a wedding to go to tomorrow, and it is also supposed to rain. The front tires on my car are awful and need to be replaced. I made an appointment to go tomorrow.
I found the photo of what happened with the car. Since then, the plastic part that is actually touching the tire was cut off, but the metal is still maybe an inch from the tire. That is why going makes me anxious. It doesn't seem to hurt the tire. Both sides are equally bad (only one is messed up). It's just making sure they believe this. I mean.. this happened 7 months ago (looked at date on the email to my dad).
So I am drinking. I hate my car. I am hoping the gerbil chills out.. but not expecting that to be instant considering she now lives with 2 cats that cannot reach the cage, but she can hear.
So a couple bad photos. My phone camera is being weird, and she doesn't stand still.The cage is on one of my bookshelves with protective books beside it so even if my cat could reach the top shelves, he has no place to jump. I think her name is Stormy. Both her and Odd would then be named after the same series of books (Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz)
I have not been real enthusiastic about seeing anyone lately. Between my attempts at sobriety and my relapse with bulimia, I would love to be left alone. It would also be bad to be left alone. I would still love it.
On December 23rd, I relapsed with drinking. I went through most of a bottle of vodka. I think I blacked out... not real sure. I did go to AA at noon, but then I did a bit of Christmas shopping and went to the liquor store. I did enjoy it, but the next day I regretted it. I had planned this relapse so that if I got rid of the vodka after finishing for the night, I'd be at church too late on christmas eve to buy more, and Christmas liquor stores are closed. I didn't finish the bottle, but I didn't drink the next day.
So Christmas Eve, I was just stressed. I went to AA. Then I needed to exchange presents with my friends and their 2 year old son. I also needed to make food for a church potluck. I was not really sure about the potluck, but I felt I should go. Last year I was in rehab over christmas. The year before.. I remember being late. I don't remember if it was that day or good friday I went outside and started crying before i managed to pull myself together enough to eat.
Well, I was running late with traffic. I stopped to buy ingredients for the fruit salad I was making plus a bowl to mix it in because I forgot to bring one. This day is part of the nativity fast for my church, so the meal is no meat or dairy, which is why I picked fruit. Well, I get to their house and in gathering bags from my car, I drop the bag with the glass bowl in it. I oddly enough have another bowl in the trunk of my car from some occasion or another. There son was throwing a tantrum, so I was in the kitchen for a while before we could do presents. My hands were shaking some, but they hadn't been earlier and they were ok after this, so I don't know if it was alcohol.
Presents were exchanged. I got a cool tshirt. They got some measuring cups and practical stuff. Their son I gave a tricycle. I had meant to buy it for his birthday, but that was while I was unemployed. They liked that. He liked the measuring cups, but I'm sure he'll like the tricycle once assembled.
I survived the potluck. I waited until most people had gone to get food. I was a little uncomfortable because some families had brought wine. The normal Christmas eve liturgy was at 7. Then at around 10, there was a 2nd service. Only about 8 of us stayed for it. I was a little uncomfortable with that few people and with sharing a music stand and books (switching back and forth between 4 booklets) with someone. I declined holding a candle in case my hands would shake. Last Good Friday, the woman sharing the music with me had to hold it because my hands were shaking so badly. It ended up being good. Didn't get home until after midnight.
Christmas day, my sponsor convinced me to help heat up and transfer food to AA for the potluck sort of lunch there. It was frustrating because 1. I was supposed to pick up one woman and sat waiting in my car for over 10 minutes until she was ready 2. The other woman who was supposed to come was around an hour late and 3. my sponsor's boyfriend Kenny was there. He enjoys questioning me and making me talk because I was so quiet for so long. It makes me really uncomfortable at times. He's not inappropriate. I just don't like talking around some people. We managed to get everything ready. I went to the noon meeting and quickly left before the food was served at 1. I had mentioned this to my sponsor (she knows about the ED) but Kenny kind of commented on it. I just said I had to go and gave him a hug when he asked.
The day at my parent's house was ok. There was some drama over not having all the ingredients for one recipe and nowhere being open on Christmas. It all settled eventually. I woke up on the 26th and when my brother got their we opened gifts. I got some nice things. Also got a gift card because one thing I want is a new laptop. I am paying for a portion of it, plus they didn't want to pick for me, so I got a gift card.
After that, my mom and I went searching for another Christmas tree. A small one to add to what they have. We found that, and I had also been talking about buying a gerbil. Well, originally I wanted a rat, but I guess you're usually supposed to have a pair or a lot of free time. Plus, I'd need a new/bigger cage. I didn't want a hamster because the big ones are not that cute, and the dwarf ones are mean. Like enjoy the taste of human flesh mean (my mom had one and then a pair of another kind later). So I wanted a gerbil. My mom still had the hamster cage since her last one died (old age), so I just needed food, bedding, and the gerbil. We looked at 1 pet store, but I didn't like the ones there very much. I also kinda wanted a female (if you've seen male hamsters you'd understand why visually females are preferable). We went to a 2nd store, and I picked one out.
I took her home and set up the cage and put her in. I tried feeding her part of a carrot later, and she bit me pretty hard. For now, I am not picking her up until she is less stressed. She has a nice cage, bedding, food, plus the carrot piece I dropped and a piece of graham cracker I dropped in after the rid home.
So I survived 3 days of friends, strangers, and family. I am drinking tonight, so maybe not survived well. I was stressed in part because I didn't leave my parent's house until after 10. I also looked at the weather forecast and I am supposed to have a wedding to go to tomorrow, and it is also supposed to rain. The front tires on my car are awful and need to be replaced. I made an appointment to go tomorrow.
So I am drinking. I hate my car. I am hoping the gerbil chills out.. but not expecting that to be instant considering she now lives with 2 cats that cannot reach the cage, but she can hear.
So a couple bad photos. My phone camera is being weird, and she doesn't stand still.The cage is on one of my bookshelves with protective books beside it so even if my cat could reach the top shelves, he has no place to jump. I think her name is Stormy. Both her and Odd would then be named after the same series of books (Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz)
Monday, December 22, 2014
Bulimia strikes again *trigger warning*
Things are definitely going downhill. 2 weeks sober from alcohol, but otherwise I'm a mess. This is probably all going to be very triggering because I feel like being honest
After the whole self harm discussion (see last post), I went home and ended up with cuts (shallow/small) all the way from my knee to the top of my thigh.. I stopped counting at some point. Saturday I stayed with my parents, but I have a nice bruise on my arm that was self inflicted. I then bought fresher blades on my way home Sunday. So clearly, that's not going well.
Then there's the eating disorder. I did ok Wednesday-Friday. Then Saturday (I think the conversation with Kenny about treatment brought up ED thoughts as well) I had the thought that I could binge and purge. I ended up getting lunch at a fast food restaurant and purging it. Sunday, we went out to dinner for my Dad's birthday at this all you can eat sort of place.. they have a salad bar and then different kinds of roasted meat and dessert. Well.. my mom decided to get dessert there and so did my brother, so I got some. Then there was also birthday cake at home. So I was painfully full when I left. I stopped at a grocery store and purged because I couldn't stand the 45 minute drive home like that.
Now today.. I did not want to get up this morning. I was tired. I dragged myself out of bed and showered but not in enough time to stop for a proper lunch (or make one) before the noon meeting. I got a piece of pizza and a soda at a gas station (weird gas station that also has a sort of kitchen that sells random stuff). I decided since I didn't really eat "lunch" I could eat after the meeting and purge. The meeting ended and the nightmare began.
I stopped and got a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, and fries at one fast food restaurant. Purged there (and the toilet didn't flush right so rushed out to avoid being caught). Stopped at a 2nd place and got chicken fingers, fries, and ice cream. Went shopping after and purged at the store. Then ate at a 4th restaurant and purged there.
After that, I went to my sponsor's house. We had discussed at the noon meeting that I could go over there.. didn't end up getting there until after 5. She texted around 5:45 to see what I was doing and said she was at the 6pm meeting. I said I really didn't want to go and was having a shitty day. She said that was ok, so I laid around on her couch until she got home and we watched some tv.
She commented when she got there that I looked really tired and asked what was going on. I started to answer and her daughter came in the room, so it wasn't until later that she asked again. I originally just gave the vague answer "eating disorder stuff" but then admitted to going to 3 places. We talked a little about how I was basically switching addictions, which I know is true. I don't remember what else we talked about but not much about the bulimia after that.
Then, being the brilliant person I am, I left her house around 10 and went and got more food and purged again at home. I have it in my head to go to an all you can eat buffet for lunch tomorrow (and you can see where that leads). I'm also considering going to the liquor store. I'm wondering if drinking was better than the bulimia at least. The bulimia mostly stopped when the drinking got bad because I needed food in my stomach to drink and purging liquor seemed wasteful (like wasting food is ok though?).
Oh and the check engine warning light came on in my car earlier. So I get to figure that out tomorrow. Hopefully not a big problem (could just be a sensor)
I am so tired, and this week is going to be exhausting. Church on Christmas Eve. Told my mom I'd come over christmas day to bake cookies and spend the night. The 26th we're doing dinner and presents since my brother works Christmas. The 27th I am going to a wedding. I am not sure I can manage all this. Kinda wish I was back in the hospital or in rehab like last year. That would be so much simpler than all this.
After the whole self harm discussion (see last post), I went home and ended up with cuts (shallow/small) all the way from my knee to the top of my thigh.. I stopped counting at some point. Saturday I stayed with my parents, but I have a nice bruise on my arm that was self inflicted. I then bought fresher blades on my way home Sunday. So clearly, that's not going well.
Then there's the eating disorder. I did ok Wednesday-Friday. Then Saturday (I think the conversation with Kenny about treatment brought up ED thoughts as well) I had the thought that I could binge and purge. I ended up getting lunch at a fast food restaurant and purging it. Sunday, we went out to dinner for my Dad's birthday at this all you can eat sort of place.. they have a salad bar and then different kinds of roasted meat and dessert. Well.. my mom decided to get dessert there and so did my brother, so I got some. Then there was also birthday cake at home. So I was painfully full when I left. I stopped at a grocery store and purged because I couldn't stand the 45 minute drive home like that.
Now today.. I did not want to get up this morning. I was tired. I dragged myself out of bed and showered but not in enough time to stop for a proper lunch (or make one) before the noon meeting. I got a piece of pizza and a soda at a gas station (weird gas station that also has a sort of kitchen that sells random stuff). I decided since I didn't really eat "lunch" I could eat after the meeting and purge. The meeting ended and the nightmare began.
I stopped and got a cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, and fries at one fast food restaurant. Purged there (and the toilet didn't flush right so rushed out to avoid being caught). Stopped at a 2nd place and got chicken fingers, fries, and ice cream. Went shopping after and purged at the store. Then ate at a 4th restaurant and purged there.
After that, I went to my sponsor's house. We had discussed at the noon meeting that I could go over there.. didn't end up getting there until after 5. She texted around 5:45 to see what I was doing and said she was at the 6pm meeting. I said I really didn't want to go and was having a shitty day. She said that was ok, so I laid around on her couch until she got home and we watched some tv.
She commented when she got there that I looked really tired and asked what was going on. I started to answer and her daughter came in the room, so it wasn't until later that she asked again. I originally just gave the vague answer "eating disorder stuff" but then admitted to going to 3 places. We talked a little about how I was basically switching addictions, which I know is true. I don't remember what else we talked about but not much about the bulimia after that.
Then, being the brilliant person I am, I left her house around 10 and went and got more food and purged again at home. I have it in my head to go to an all you can eat buffet for lunch tomorrow (and you can see where that leads). I'm also considering going to the liquor store. I'm wondering if drinking was better than the bulimia at least. The bulimia mostly stopped when the drinking got bad because I needed food in my stomach to drink and purging liquor seemed wasteful (like wasting food is ok though?).
Oh and the check engine warning light came on in my car earlier. So I get to figure that out tomorrow. Hopefully not a big problem (could just be a sensor)
I am so tired, and this week is going to be exhausting. Church on Christmas Eve. Told my mom I'd come over christmas day to bake cookies and spend the night. The 26th we're doing dinner and presents since my brother works Christmas. The 27th I am going to a wedding. I am not sure I can manage all this. Kinda wish I was back in the hospital or in rehab like last year. That would be so much simpler than all this.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Detox stay- the rest of it
Everything kinda blends together when locked inside one building for 10 days, so I can't really give a day by day account (if anyone would care to read that anyway).
I will say that I am so glad to be home now where nobody wakes me up in the middle of the night. I'd usually get my meds around 9ish. 9 is the scheduled time, but I'd try to get them a bit earlier as an excuse to miss the wrap up group (where you go over what goals you accomplished that day) if it actually happened. I'd go shower and sit in bed reading. I'd fall asleep around 10 or 11. Then during the night I would be woken up at least once to take Librium. So if I took it at 9 I would be woken up at 1am and 5am the first couple days. Then when it was every 6 hours, I'd just be woken up once at 3. I'd be woken at least once for vitals.. usually once during the night and once around 5. Then depending on if I went back to sleep, the nurse would wake me to take my synthroid at around 6. Sometimes I'd be up and dressed by 6. Also, on 3 different nights they woke me to draw blood. I still have 2 small bruises and one pretty large one from that.
Breakfast alternated between eating oatmeal and cottage cheese, skipping breakfast, or eating and purging it. Dinner was the only meal I consistently went to, but it was still either restricting or purging most days. Sometimes restricting was just because the food was bad.
Groups.. The morning we had process group where you talk about whatever is going on with you. I never really had a lot to say.. I guess I've been in enough therapy that I didn't have issues to talk through.. other people had family problems, legal problems, plus the one who wanted to become a serial killer (that was an uncomfortable group). I would talk some about the self harm just because I knew if the therapist would find out if I had told one of the nurses. Same way I would tell the doctor because she would find out from someone else. Better to tell them myself than try to hide it.
Next group was meant to be education of some sort.. over addiction. It was weird because when I gave feedback in process group I might mention 12 step/AA concepts or portions from the big book I might remember. Because of this, any time the therapist might bring up a step, she'd look at me usually to actually recite what the step was. Doesn't it seem like a substance abuse therapist should have the steps mostly memorized if she encourages people to join AA? I mean the stuff from the big book I mostly have picked up from the strange people in meetings who seemed to have pages memorized. I think I might be becoming one of them.
Afternoons started with activity therapy which was yoga or exercise or some kind of game. I usually read or slept through those hours. There was another group about cognitive stuff, which consisted of filling out this big packet one beliefs, principles, goals, etc. On a couple occasions this made me cry because I suck at making goals for my life, I really lack many of the strengths I want, and I guess I really don't always want life, which made this all hard. So I'd go back to my room and cry.
Evenings were AA, dinner, and visitation. First visit from my parents went terribly. My mom was angry I hadn't talked to them about how I was struggling so much and only told them a few hours before going to treatment. She kept making statements like "you've been driving drunk" which I said isn't true because I drink alone at home at night (I neglected the whole morning issue) and she asked if I was teaching drunk, which I really had not been. She asked if I was drinking everyday.. which I mean.. don't most alcoholics? I tried to explain (while crying) that I didn't tell her because she blames me for becoming an alcoholic because I know I have an "addictive personality." I'm sorry, but knowing that does not mean I knew I would be drinking 15-20 shots of vodka everyday and really wishing it would just kill me. I managed to stop cutting and stop the bulimia at least for long periods of time, so it was not absolute in my mind that alcohol was going to become this bad. I tried to explain (still crying) how bad our family was at communicating when I was a child. How she would give the silent treatment (her defense was yes she wouldn't speak to my dad in order to not make fights worse) or they would yell. I think maybe she eventually understood that as a child, that was how I viewed conflict as being handled. Either silence or anger. Anyway, horrible visit.
My sponsor visited the next day, and that was nice. I also called her at least once a day. I told a few other friends I was there but didn't call them or ask them to visit. I honestly prefer not to be visited much. It's exhausting.
The psychiatrist didn't really change medication much. I had her put me on something for anxiety during the day. I explained to both her and the nice nurses that I do NOT like loud noise (again an issue with listening to arguments as a child) or crowded areas (social anxiety I guess). They seemed ok with me spending time in my room, and I did on a couple occasions also take an as needed anti-anxiety medication. Usually because of incidences involving other patients yelling at each other or staff. I did start lying to the psychiatrist eventually about the self harm and the self harm thoughts because I knew she wouldn't let me go home if I admitted to still having problems with them. The thoughts did get less as did behaviors, but they never fully go away. I admitted to purging a couple of meals, but I did not admit to the rest of it. I haven't purged since discharged, and I really knew that it mainly becomes a vicious cycle when I am inpatient and eating in an uncomfortable environment or when I am stressed and using it to cope. Plus, they were by no means equipped to treat bulimia or offer any support, so if she made me stay longer it wouldn't have improved.
So I think that's the best I can summarize it. I'm still sober. I am not entirely sure I want to be sober anymore. I've been going to AA. I've been talking in AA. I became very aware last night how uncomfortable I am with people paying attention to me and listening to me and knowing things about me. My sponsor is dating the guy I previously mentioned, Kenny (if I used his name), and both of us were at her house last night. He started asking me about treatment and commenting on how I seemed different. I mentioned that the drinking was better but other problems were bad while inpatient.. which got us onto the self harm topic (I said I was uncomfortable bringing up the other behavior). He (and my sponsor at this point) started asking why I wanted to self harm and would not let me give excuses or evade the question. I could not seem to make eye contact with Kenny at this point. I finally said there was a reason I was not willing to tell him. He asked if I had told my sponsor, which I hadn't, and if I would if he left the room. And I think that will be a future post.
So him asking me things made me really uncomfortable. I also recently cut and dyed my hair and several people (both men and women) at AA have complimented me on it, which is also making me uncomfortable. I think I would very much like to go back to being unnoticed and silent for a while, and I'm afraid that's not going to happen now that people know I am sober and capable of expressing myself.
I will say that I am so glad to be home now where nobody wakes me up in the middle of the night. I'd usually get my meds around 9ish. 9 is the scheduled time, but I'd try to get them a bit earlier as an excuse to miss the wrap up group (where you go over what goals you accomplished that day) if it actually happened. I'd go shower and sit in bed reading. I'd fall asleep around 10 or 11. Then during the night I would be woken up at least once to take Librium. So if I took it at 9 I would be woken up at 1am and 5am the first couple days. Then when it was every 6 hours, I'd just be woken up once at 3. I'd be woken at least once for vitals.. usually once during the night and once around 5. Then depending on if I went back to sleep, the nurse would wake me to take my synthroid at around 6. Sometimes I'd be up and dressed by 6. Also, on 3 different nights they woke me to draw blood. I still have 2 small bruises and one pretty large one from that.
Breakfast alternated between eating oatmeal and cottage cheese, skipping breakfast, or eating and purging it. Dinner was the only meal I consistently went to, but it was still either restricting or purging most days. Sometimes restricting was just because the food was bad.
Groups.. The morning we had process group where you talk about whatever is going on with you. I never really had a lot to say.. I guess I've been in enough therapy that I didn't have issues to talk through.. other people had family problems, legal problems, plus the one who wanted to become a serial killer (that was an uncomfortable group). I would talk some about the self harm just because I knew if the therapist would find out if I had told one of the nurses. Same way I would tell the doctor because she would find out from someone else. Better to tell them myself than try to hide it.
Next group was meant to be education of some sort.. over addiction. It was weird because when I gave feedback in process group I might mention 12 step/AA concepts or portions from the big book I might remember. Because of this, any time the therapist might bring up a step, she'd look at me usually to actually recite what the step was. Doesn't it seem like a substance abuse therapist should have the steps mostly memorized if she encourages people to join AA? I mean the stuff from the big book I mostly have picked up from the strange people in meetings who seemed to have pages memorized. I think I might be becoming one of them.
Afternoons started with activity therapy which was yoga or exercise or some kind of game. I usually read or slept through those hours. There was another group about cognitive stuff, which consisted of filling out this big packet one beliefs, principles, goals, etc. On a couple occasions this made me cry because I suck at making goals for my life, I really lack many of the strengths I want, and I guess I really don't always want life, which made this all hard. So I'd go back to my room and cry.
Evenings were AA, dinner, and visitation. First visit from my parents went terribly. My mom was angry I hadn't talked to them about how I was struggling so much and only told them a few hours before going to treatment. She kept making statements like "you've been driving drunk" which I said isn't true because I drink alone at home at night (I neglected the whole morning issue) and she asked if I was teaching drunk, which I really had not been. She asked if I was drinking everyday.. which I mean.. don't most alcoholics? I tried to explain (while crying) that I didn't tell her because she blames me for becoming an alcoholic because I know I have an "addictive personality." I'm sorry, but knowing that does not mean I knew I would be drinking 15-20 shots of vodka everyday and really wishing it would just kill me. I managed to stop cutting and stop the bulimia at least for long periods of time, so it was not absolute in my mind that alcohol was going to become this bad. I tried to explain (still crying) how bad our family was at communicating when I was a child. How she would give the silent treatment (her defense was yes she wouldn't speak to my dad in order to not make fights worse) or they would yell. I think maybe she eventually understood that as a child, that was how I viewed conflict as being handled. Either silence or anger. Anyway, horrible visit.
My sponsor visited the next day, and that was nice. I also called her at least once a day. I told a few other friends I was there but didn't call them or ask them to visit. I honestly prefer not to be visited much. It's exhausting.
The psychiatrist didn't really change medication much. I had her put me on something for anxiety during the day. I explained to both her and the nice nurses that I do NOT like loud noise (again an issue with listening to arguments as a child) or crowded areas (social anxiety I guess). They seemed ok with me spending time in my room, and I did on a couple occasions also take an as needed anti-anxiety medication. Usually because of incidences involving other patients yelling at each other or staff. I did start lying to the psychiatrist eventually about the self harm and the self harm thoughts because I knew she wouldn't let me go home if I admitted to still having problems with them. The thoughts did get less as did behaviors, but they never fully go away. I admitted to purging a couple of meals, but I did not admit to the rest of it. I haven't purged since discharged, and I really knew that it mainly becomes a vicious cycle when I am inpatient and eating in an uncomfortable environment or when I am stressed and using it to cope. Plus, they were by no means equipped to treat bulimia or offer any support, so if she made me stay longer it wouldn't have improved.
So I think that's the best I can summarize it. I'm still sober. I am not entirely sure I want to be sober anymore. I've been going to AA. I've been talking in AA. I became very aware last night how uncomfortable I am with people paying attention to me and listening to me and knowing things about me. My sponsor is dating the guy I previously mentioned, Kenny (if I used his name), and both of us were at her house last night. He started asking me about treatment and commenting on how I seemed different. I mentioned that the drinking was better but other problems were bad while inpatient.. which got us onto the self harm topic (I said I was uncomfortable bringing up the other behavior). He (and my sponsor at this point) started asking why I wanted to self harm and would not let me give excuses or evade the question. I could not seem to make eye contact with Kenny at this point. I finally said there was a reason I was not willing to tell him. He asked if I had told my sponsor, which I hadn't, and if I would if he left the room. And I think that will be a future post.
So him asking me things made me really uncomfortable. I also recently cut and dyed my hair and several people (both men and women) at AA have complimented me on it, which is also making me uncomfortable. I think I would very much like to go back to being unnoticed and silent for a while, and I'm afraid that's not going to happen now that people know I am sober and capable of expressing myself.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Detox stay- day 1
So I apologize this is going to be long.. I decided to just do the first day/two of detox in this post and the rest later
I've gone inpatient a few times to detox, and honestly I never was sure it was really necessary. I mean.. I needed help getting sober, but medically I was probably fine. I only had high blood pressure.
Before I even went this time, I was having problems. My blood pressure was very high when I got home in the evenings. Like when I looked it up on the mayo clinic website, it qualified as Stage 2 hypertension. Plus, my brain would start get foggy. And of course the tremors and muscle twitches.
That Monday (December 8th) I was shaky even walking down the stairs to go to AA. I broke down, and a couple hours later I was on the way to the treatment center. I got there with my sponsor around 4pm, and we sat for what felt like ages in the waiting room while I filled out paperwork. Finally, they brought me back to a room for an assessment. They asked if I wanted to go by myself, but I asked my sponsor to come too.
Long assessment.. my sponsor kinda nudged me to be a bit more honest at times and occasionally answered questions. Not in a bad way... like the person asked if since I was drinking I stayed in my comfort zone, and my sponsor explained that I have structured my entire life so I never have to leave my comfort zone. Stuff like that. She stayed until that was done and I was just waiting to be taken to a room.. of course that was a couple more hours.
I got to the ward around 8. This place is divided into 3 halls that basically correspond to 3 programs. There's a mental health program. There's a "faith based" program. Then there's a chemical dependency program.. last time it was weird because I was in a room with people from the mental health program but doing the cd one. This time I was on the other side of the ward, so it was weird.
They searched my belongings. They did the dreaded skin search. It was really triggering this time. It was actually a nurse I met last August but who didn't remember me, and she'd look at scars and ask how old they were.. over and over.. like usually they just accept that scars are either from the last few months or are older than that. I just made things up because I don't even know. They range from a couple weeks to probably 10 years. Staring at them and being asked over and over bothered me.
That was done and they brought me to a room. They asked if I wanted something to eat, and I agreed to a sandwich and juice because I'd only eaten a smallish muffin at noon. I was so frustrated and embarrassed that I couldn't open the packet of mustard because my hands were shaking so bad. I was sitting in a room full of people watching tv and trying very hard not to have it be obvious I was failing at opening the damn mustard.
I had to sit and answer questions and sign more forms. I signed the consent forms for all my usual medication, but I sat around in my room or in the day room and no one mentioned giving me anything. Last stay, the nurse would find me to take medication if I wasn't there exactly when everyone lined up (and I wasn't there at the scheduled time).. nope.. nothing. Finally around 11pm I tried lying down and turning off the light.
I couldn't sleep. My legs and arms kept twitching. My hands got clammy and my palms sweaty. It felt like my arms were falling asleep (you know that sort of numb, pins and needles feeling). I finally got up and decided to go to the nurses' station. There was a nurse standing there and he asked my name and then said he was looking for me. He had my medication and also the consent forms for Librium (detox) and Dylantin (anti-seizure) for withdrawal. I mentioned my hands being sweaty and shaky, My hand was shaking so bad it was hard to take the pills and sign the form.
I took the medication and they just let me go back to my room. Nobody checked my blood pressure. Nobody asked other symptoms.
I lay in bed trying slow/deep breathing to calm down and waiting for the twitching to stop. I was scared. A tech came by at some point (too dark to read my watch) and asked if I was having trouble sleeping and said he'd tell my nurse. Nurse came by around 4am with more medication. (Librium every 4 hours the first 2 days I think). I got maybe 2 hours of sleep that night.
Admittedly, it was probably not that nurse's fault. It was probably the previous shift. He also was one of the nicest staff there, so I had trouble being upset with him. Plus, he was really cute. Really cute. Like a young George Clooney. I have to say, if someone is going to wake you up at 2am, it is nice if he is cute.
I woke up and actually went to breakfast.. it's served in a big cafeteria. I managed cottage cheese and pineapple. Lunch was yogurt and fruit. Dinner was yogurt and fruit. So clearly ED kicked in when I started getting anxious. I also started my usual self harm obsession of hunting for ways to hurt myself. I talked to my sponsor on the phone at some point (I called her a lot) and she "posed for my consideration" that I should tell them what usually happens when I quit drinking. So, I told Cute Nurse that my sponsor said I should mention that in her words (actually told him this quote) my "self harm increases exponentially when I stop drinking" and then also that I have a history of bulimia but had not recently been purging. I had yet to purge or find anything to self harm, but I did from the beginning make them aware. He told me to tell them, especially him, if I felt like hurting myself and that he would request a nutrition consult (did not want that part).
The rest of this, the days get confusing and blend together, so I will attempt the rest in another post.
I've gone inpatient a few times to detox, and honestly I never was sure it was really necessary. I mean.. I needed help getting sober, but medically I was probably fine. I only had high blood pressure.
Before I even went this time, I was having problems. My blood pressure was very high when I got home in the evenings. Like when I looked it up on the mayo clinic website, it qualified as Stage 2 hypertension. Plus, my brain would start get foggy. And of course the tremors and muscle twitches.
That Monday (December 8th) I was shaky even walking down the stairs to go to AA. I broke down, and a couple hours later I was on the way to the treatment center. I got there with my sponsor around 4pm, and we sat for what felt like ages in the waiting room while I filled out paperwork. Finally, they brought me back to a room for an assessment. They asked if I wanted to go by myself, but I asked my sponsor to come too.
Long assessment.. my sponsor kinda nudged me to be a bit more honest at times and occasionally answered questions. Not in a bad way... like the person asked if since I was drinking I stayed in my comfort zone, and my sponsor explained that I have structured my entire life so I never have to leave my comfort zone. Stuff like that. She stayed until that was done and I was just waiting to be taken to a room.. of course that was a couple more hours.
I got to the ward around 8. This place is divided into 3 halls that basically correspond to 3 programs. There's a mental health program. There's a "faith based" program. Then there's a chemical dependency program.. last time it was weird because I was in a room with people from the mental health program but doing the cd one. This time I was on the other side of the ward, so it was weird.
They searched my belongings. They did the dreaded skin search. It was really triggering this time. It was actually a nurse I met last August but who didn't remember me, and she'd look at scars and ask how old they were.. over and over.. like usually they just accept that scars are either from the last few months or are older than that. I just made things up because I don't even know. They range from a couple weeks to probably 10 years. Staring at them and being asked over and over bothered me.
That was done and they brought me to a room. They asked if I wanted something to eat, and I agreed to a sandwich and juice because I'd only eaten a smallish muffin at noon. I was so frustrated and embarrassed that I couldn't open the packet of mustard because my hands were shaking so bad. I was sitting in a room full of people watching tv and trying very hard not to have it be obvious I was failing at opening the damn mustard.
I had to sit and answer questions and sign more forms. I signed the consent forms for all my usual medication, but I sat around in my room or in the day room and no one mentioned giving me anything. Last stay, the nurse would find me to take medication if I wasn't there exactly when everyone lined up (and I wasn't there at the scheduled time).. nope.. nothing. Finally around 11pm I tried lying down and turning off the light.
I couldn't sleep. My legs and arms kept twitching. My hands got clammy and my palms sweaty. It felt like my arms were falling asleep (you know that sort of numb, pins and needles feeling). I finally got up and decided to go to the nurses' station. There was a nurse standing there and he asked my name and then said he was looking for me. He had my medication and also the consent forms for Librium (detox) and Dylantin (anti-seizure) for withdrawal. I mentioned my hands being sweaty and shaky, My hand was shaking so bad it was hard to take the pills and sign the form.
I took the medication and they just let me go back to my room. Nobody checked my blood pressure. Nobody asked other symptoms.
I lay in bed trying slow/deep breathing to calm down and waiting for the twitching to stop. I was scared. A tech came by at some point (too dark to read my watch) and asked if I was having trouble sleeping and said he'd tell my nurse. Nurse came by around 4am with more medication. (Librium every 4 hours the first 2 days I think). I got maybe 2 hours of sleep that night.
Admittedly, it was probably not that nurse's fault. It was probably the previous shift. He also was one of the nicest staff there, so I had trouble being upset with him. Plus, he was really cute. Really cute. Like a young George Clooney. I have to say, if someone is going to wake you up at 2am, it is nice if he is cute.
I woke up and actually went to breakfast.. it's served in a big cafeteria. I managed cottage cheese and pineapple. Lunch was yogurt and fruit. Dinner was yogurt and fruit. So clearly ED kicked in when I started getting anxious. I also started my usual self harm obsession of hunting for ways to hurt myself. I talked to my sponsor on the phone at some point (I called her a lot) and she "posed for my consideration" that I should tell them what usually happens when I quit drinking. So, I told Cute Nurse that my sponsor said I should mention that in her words (actually told him this quote) my "self harm increases exponentially when I stop drinking" and then also that I have a history of bulimia but had not recently been purging. I had yet to purge or find anything to self harm, but I did from the beginning make them aware. He told me to tell them, especially him, if I felt like hurting myself and that he would request a nutrition consult (did not want that part).
The rest of this, the days get confusing and blend together, so I will attempt the rest in another post.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Home now
Thank you to everyone who wrote such supportive replies on my last post. I got to read them as I went through the long preparation, packing, admission process. I ended up getting to the facility around 4 i think and the ward around 8. My sponsor stayed through the assessment (I asked her to), which made it easier
Was there 10 days. Finally home and preparing to go to sleep in my own bed. Will write a proper update soon when I have the energy.
Also look forward to catching up on reading how you are all doing
Monday, December 8, 2014
Detox
So I won't be around for a week or so. I'm going in to some treatment place (not 100% sure where) to detox. My hands have been shaking so badly and in the evenings I get really out of it. To the point that I'm not sure I should drive. I went to the noon meeting and my sponsor was there, and I just started crying when I talked to her after the meeting. The shaking is obvious I mentioned that I shouldn't be driving. She asked if I was ready, and I said yes. I am so tired. So assuming I can sort out registering for classes, I will go today. Wish me luck.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
When will enough be enough?
To start with a random story about AA. So I was at my sponsor's last night, and I was talking to a man from AA (I mentioned some of this in the last post). Somehow we started talking about me teaching.. don't really remember how. He asked what I teach, and I said it was a biology lab. I always really try to emphasize I'm a graduate student because I don't feel I deserve to be considered a teacher. He asked (everyone does) if I have to dissect animals. I don't. I have when I was in high school, but my classes don't. I teach the 1st half of a 2 semester course. The 2nd semester they do dissections. I commented that I mostly hate the smell of formaldehyde and the preservatives.
That became a discussion between him and my sponsor about formaldehyde and drugs.. like mixed with weed and something else. He asked me something about it since I am "a scientist." My sponsor made the comment that I'm a purist. Alcohol is all I use. It's true. I have never done any other drugs. The meeting I went to today ended up on the topic of abusing pain medication. I was thinking that if anything, my problem with taking medication is just not taking it. I stop taking non-addictive, necessary medications and it does alter how I feel. Depression is comfortable. I talked more than usual and I felt really uncomfortable because I was rambling. Apparently, I wasn't. People laughed at some funny things I said. Someone commented on liking what I shared after the meeting. I really wish I could hear myself like they do. I think what I say gets mixed up in everything else I'm thinking, and it makes me feel crazy.
After the meeting, I ended up going to a craft store with someone from AA. I mentioned the idea of detox. She asked about me going somewhere, and we talked about the issue of money and of where to go. I said I don't feel like it ever helped. She said she thought that too until she was ready. She did say that when people are ready, they are willing to go anywhere. Currently, I obsess about what place will work with me about money. I mentioned that one place I would stop eating. I don't know if I'm ready. I am exhausted. I am depressed. I am becoming aware of my own mortality at times. Mainly that I really don't believe I will survive until May and hopefully graduate. I don't know if it will be alcohol or suicide that does it, but I don't feel like I will live until then. I know that's not a good thought, but I also don't know that I care.
I just wonder when I will be ready. I had thought during the semester that I was ready, but school and work took priority. Now I could go, but I don't feel as miserable. I don't feel as tired. I just don't know. I don't want to waste money on a hospital just to come out and relapse. If I detox outpatient, at least it costs a whole lot less.
My friend said that whenever I was ready, she and my sponsor would do whatever they need to to help. They can take care of my cats. They will support my choice, and it was nice to hear that. I just don't know what to choose right now. I hope at some point it will be clear.
Lately I have been sleeping very late. In part, this is because I am not sober enough to function in the morning. Tonight I am trying to drink what I want but be sober enough in the morning to go to church. This is one of those times that I am very aware that this is not "normal."
That became a discussion between him and my sponsor about formaldehyde and drugs.. like mixed with weed and something else. He asked me something about it since I am "a scientist." My sponsor made the comment that I'm a purist. Alcohol is all I use. It's true. I have never done any other drugs. The meeting I went to today ended up on the topic of abusing pain medication. I was thinking that if anything, my problem with taking medication is just not taking it. I stop taking non-addictive, necessary medications and it does alter how I feel. Depression is comfortable. I talked more than usual and I felt really uncomfortable because I was rambling. Apparently, I wasn't. People laughed at some funny things I said. Someone commented on liking what I shared after the meeting. I really wish I could hear myself like they do. I think what I say gets mixed up in everything else I'm thinking, and it makes me feel crazy.
After the meeting, I ended up going to a craft store with someone from AA. I mentioned the idea of detox. She asked about me going somewhere, and we talked about the issue of money and of where to go. I said I don't feel like it ever helped. She said she thought that too until she was ready. She did say that when people are ready, they are willing to go anywhere. Currently, I obsess about what place will work with me about money. I mentioned that one place I would stop eating. I don't know if I'm ready. I am exhausted. I am depressed. I am becoming aware of my own mortality at times. Mainly that I really don't believe I will survive until May and hopefully graduate. I don't know if it will be alcohol or suicide that does it, but I don't feel like I will live until then. I know that's not a good thought, but I also don't know that I care.
I just wonder when I will be ready. I had thought during the semester that I was ready, but school and work took priority. Now I could go, but I don't feel as miserable. I don't feel as tired. I just don't know. I don't want to waste money on a hospital just to come out and relapse. If I detox outpatient, at least it costs a whole lot less.
My friend said that whenever I was ready, she and my sponsor would do whatever they need to to help. They can take care of my cats. They will support my choice, and it was nice to hear that. I just don't know what to choose right now. I hope at some point it will be clear.
Lately I have been sleeping very late. In part, this is because I am not sober enough to function in the morning. Tonight I am trying to drink what I want but be sober enough in the morning to go to church. This is one of those times that I am very aware that this is not "normal."
Friday, December 5, 2014
Winter break
So the classes I teach had their final last week. I finished grading them today. I spent like 5 hours at my sponsor's house doing it. Grading at her house seems easier than grading at school. Now I just need to put the grades online and email them to my boss.
Last year, I spent most of winter break in rehab. I took my last final (that kept getting postponed because of weather) and went into rehab that same day. It really didn't help. It was a nice break from life, but I relapsed a couple weeks after I got out.
The year before that (and before that), I spent most of break either drunk or asleep. I would wake up around noon and get out of bed around 1 or 2. I'd maybe go shopping or watch tv, and then around 4 or 5 I'd start drinking. I'd drink until I blacked out and went to bed. Sometimes that was before 10pm so I was sleeping 14 hours a day.
I have considered detox or rehab, but I just keep thinking that it hasn't helped. I've been in hospitals 3 times for detox (around a week each time) and spent 3 weeks in rehab. I always relapse. However, I am also aware of the danger of quitting on my own. I got home at around 10pm yesterday, and on the way I bought a blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was 160/100 (approximate) and that was less than 24 hours sober. I am not entirely sure I want to get sober. I do and I don't. My therapist mentioned how physically exhausting alcoholism is, and she's right. My body is just tired. I have been sleeping until noon all week, and I can't decide if it's because I'm still drunk or because I am tired. I also stopped taking my mood stabilizer (I'm on an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and something for sleep) for a week.
My body is having a hard time drinking as much as I try to. I get nauseous a lot. I have to try different things to not throw up. I eat certain foods to get the taste of nasty, cheap vodka out of my mouth. The past 2 days I switched from diet soda to juice as a chaser, and the eating disorder is NOT happy with that. I did juice for a long time, but it's so many calories. I tried flavored sparkling water for a while, but certain flavors made the nausea worse.
My therapist wants me to come up with a plan for while I'm not in school. This needs to include time spent working on the paper I am supposed to be working on. Beyond that, I don't know. Time at home is a bad idea. I am not really suicidal, but I have this nagging thought that I'm not going to live through the holidays or through next semester. I could maybe spend time at school or my sponsor's house, but there were a couple days a week I planned to do that but couldn't seem to get out of bed.
My therapist mentioned trying to detox outpatient.. which means getting Librium or something from my psychiatrist to prevent withdrawal. The issue is if he trusts me enough to do that. Once before, my psychiatrist (a different one) gave me Librium, and I took it a few times when I was trying to quit.. when I gave in and went back to drinking I stopped taking it. Same with the klonopin she gave me (benzos + alcohol= overdose). I am hoping my therapist can tell him this.
I've thought about going inpatient somewhere.. not rehab but just short term. I kinda want to because I am exhausted and it's time where I don't have to deal with anything. Someone tells me when to get up and when to go to bed. Someone puts food in front of me (which I tend not to eat or to purge). Someone makes me take my meds. The issue is money. I have some money now (not a lot but not as broke as last year), but pretty much all of it would go toward this.
I texted my sponsor last night about considering detox. I was at her house today, and I mentioned needing to make a plan. She asked if I was considering detox, and I said I wasn't sure. I mentioned the Librium and she asked if I wanted this to detox or just to have it. I explained how I never really took it when I was drinking. I did a couple times over the summer when I got that shitty job because it stopped the tremors. I said I didn't know if I wanted to stop. I said I was afraid of the depression getting worse.
On a random note, a guy from AA came by Kenny.. he's been saying Hi to me lately but.. in a weird tone of voice. Like he was surprised to see me or surprised I was there. I thought maybe my sponsor told him about me because he was at her house last weekend. Today he came to have her help pop/align his back (kinda weird). She had mentioned I was there, but I wasn't in the room. He yelled hello. I went in there. He asked if it was too much to ask for a hug and joked about if I bite. I said I do hug people and I do talk. He mentioned during the conversation that I never talked to him before but that he never really talked to me. I think that was the whole issue. I think I come across as antisocial, but I really do talk to people at AA if they talk to me. So I hugged him and talked a bit. He made some joke about me liking a challenge and that's why I picked my sponsor. I said I was a challenge too, which he said he never thought. I really go back and forth on how people see me. I try to seem nice, but I do tend to sit silently and stare at my phone before meetings. They'll play dominoes and I don't, and I explained I just don't like the game. I think maybe people have no idea what I am really like. Hell, I don't even know what I'm really like. It made me feel a bit better about how he's talked to me. He has thanked me for talking to him, and I guess he actually means that.. I thought it was sarcasm.
Last year, I spent most of winter break in rehab. I took my last final (that kept getting postponed because of weather) and went into rehab that same day. It really didn't help. It was a nice break from life, but I relapsed a couple weeks after I got out.
The year before that (and before that), I spent most of break either drunk or asleep. I would wake up around noon and get out of bed around 1 or 2. I'd maybe go shopping or watch tv, and then around 4 or 5 I'd start drinking. I'd drink until I blacked out and went to bed. Sometimes that was before 10pm so I was sleeping 14 hours a day.
I have considered detox or rehab, but I just keep thinking that it hasn't helped. I've been in hospitals 3 times for detox (around a week each time) and spent 3 weeks in rehab. I always relapse. However, I am also aware of the danger of quitting on my own. I got home at around 10pm yesterday, and on the way I bought a blood pressure monitor. My blood pressure was 160/100 (approximate) and that was less than 24 hours sober. I am not entirely sure I want to get sober. I do and I don't. My therapist mentioned how physically exhausting alcoholism is, and she's right. My body is just tired. I have been sleeping until noon all week, and I can't decide if it's because I'm still drunk or because I am tired. I also stopped taking my mood stabilizer (I'm on an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, and something for sleep) for a week.
My body is having a hard time drinking as much as I try to. I get nauseous a lot. I have to try different things to not throw up. I eat certain foods to get the taste of nasty, cheap vodka out of my mouth. The past 2 days I switched from diet soda to juice as a chaser, and the eating disorder is NOT happy with that. I did juice for a long time, but it's so many calories. I tried flavored sparkling water for a while, but certain flavors made the nausea worse.
My therapist wants me to come up with a plan for while I'm not in school. This needs to include time spent working on the paper I am supposed to be working on. Beyond that, I don't know. Time at home is a bad idea. I am not really suicidal, but I have this nagging thought that I'm not going to live through the holidays or through next semester. I could maybe spend time at school or my sponsor's house, but there were a couple days a week I planned to do that but couldn't seem to get out of bed.
My therapist mentioned trying to detox outpatient.. which means getting Librium or something from my psychiatrist to prevent withdrawal. The issue is if he trusts me enough to do that. Once before, my psychiatrist (a different one) gave me Librium, and I took it a few times when I was trying to quit.. when I gave in and went back to drinking I stopped taking it. Same with the klonopin she gave me (benzos + alcohol= overdose). I am hoping my therapist can tell him this.
I've thought about going inpatient somewhere.. not rehab but just short term. I kinda want to because I am exhausted and it's time where I don't have to deal with anything. Someone tells me when to get up and when to go to bed. Someone puts food in front of me (which I tend not to eat or to purge). Someone makes me take my meds. The issue is money. I have some money now (not a lot but not as broke as last year), but pretty much all of it would go toward this.
I texted my sponsor last night about considering detox. I was at her house today, and I mentioned needing to make a plan. She asked if I was considering detox, and I said I wasn't sure. I mentioned the Librium and she asked if I wanted this to detox or just to have it. I explained how I never really took it when I was drinking. I did a couple times over the summer when I got that shitty job because it stopped the tremors. I said I didn't know if I wanted to stop. I said I was afraid of the depression getting worse.
On a random note, a guy from AA came by Kenny.. he's been saying Hi to me lately but.. in a weird tone of voice. Like he was surprised to see me or surprised I was there. I thought maybe my sponsor told him about me because he was at her house last weekend. Today he came to have her help pop/align his back (kinda weird). She had mentioned I was there, but I wasn't in the room. He yelled hello. I went in there. He asked if it was too much to ask for a hug and joked about if I bite. I said I do hug people and I do talk. He mentioned during the conversation that I never talked to him before but that he never really talked to me. I think that was the whole issue. I think I come across as antisocial, but I really do talk to people at AA if they talk to me. So I hugged him and talked a bit. He made some joke about me liking a challenge and that's why I picked my sponsor. I said I was a challenge too, which he said he never thought. I really go back and forth on how people see me. I try to seem nice, but I do tend to sit silently and stare at my phone before meetings. They'll play dominoes and I don't, and I explained I just don't like the game. I think maybe people have no idea what I am really like. Hell, I don't even know what I'm really like. It made me feel a bit better about how he's talked to me. He has thanked me for talking to him, and I guess he actually means that.. I thought it was sarcasm.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
AA Men vs AA Women
In AA, it is generally advised that women stick with the women and men with the men. So a woman should have a female sponsor. She should use the women's phone list and call women from the group. There's logic behind it because there are people (men and women) who come with the wrong motives or may get distracted by getting in relationships. Stuff like that. I currently only have phone numbers from other women in the group and not the guys.
The group I go to is fairly diverse in terms of gender and age.. I've been to others that were primarily men or primarily older people.
The odd thing about all of this is that there are more men in the group I trust and would talk to than women. This may partially be that the men hang out more between meetings than the women.. at least the healthy women... there's a couple that stick around but are very crazy (maybe I'm one of those?)
There's one man that sticks around between meetings a lot who has around 20 years of sobriety I think, and he's a nice guy. He's one of the ones that I've always felt safe around.. we chat sometimes. He's also one of the few who I have been honest about my lack of sobriety with. Mainly the few times he has asked.. I guess I come across as sober? Because last week he said I must have some sobriety time now, but I told him the truth.
There's a man that comes to evening meetings that I love strictly because he is an asshole.. but he's an asshole that will contradict or call out the woman I hate on shit she says.. or comment on the cliche shit people say in meetings. He can because he's been sober since I think 89 (a year longer than the woman I hate). His big thing is that we are sober by the grace of God and shouldn't give ourselves credit for it. It's God and the program, and while I do think people deserve some praise for being sober.. they shouldn't think they're better than anyone else. He also has some funny stories.
Then there's one man.. who has been sober since August I think, so not very long.. but he's always been nice to me. He kinda rambles when he shares and is a bit odd, but I trust him. I think I trust him and the other men because they don't gossip. They don't judge people the way the women do. I went to the 8pm meeting yesterday. I did NOT want to go but my head was in a dark place, so I knew I should. Well, the guy chairing was this lawyer who really likes the sound of his own voice.. like it was a small meeting and he talked for 20 minutes at least. I did share. Then the meeting should have been over at 9, but he decided that since they don't lock the building until 9:30 we could just keep the meeting going.
On my best days, I have trouble sitting through an hour long meeting.. last night it was almost unbearable. It would have been fine if he had closed the meeting and just said to stick around if people wanted to talk more.. but he just kept talking. I have made a lot of progress with not leaving early, but because he kept talking I was afraid to leave.. it seemed rude to leave while he was talking. I finally got up at 9:10 and headed out.
The man (Tim) from the previous paragraph walked out with me. He was telling me how he wishes i would share more. I trust him enough to explain why I don't like sharing, how I feel like I don't make sense and I ramble. He says I've never not made sense, which is nice to hear. I always feel like I start sentences and statements without knowing what I intended to say. We talked a bit in the parking lot. He was in the meeting last week where I admitted how little sobriety I've ever managed despite all the meetings I go to. I did wonder if that's why he was talking to me. I still worry about being judged, but with him and the first one (Ray) I mentioned, I think they care but don't think less of me. I think they give me credit for showing up almost everyday. The women are the ones that comment on how I never go out to eat with them or how I never talk.. both statements are true, but I don't like them reminding me of it. I feel like they talk about me when I'm not there. I feel like they really would judge or gossip if they knew I'm still drinking.
Again.. this may be all in my head, but there is definitely something different talking to the women. I do think this is all a sign I need to work on my trust issues. But I feel like talking to the men because I trust them is better than not talking to anyone.
The group I go to is fairly diverse in terms of gender and age.. I've been to others that were primarily men or primarily older people.
The odd thing about all of this is that there are more men in the group I trust and would talk to than women. This may partially be that the men hang out more between meetings than the women.. at least the healthy women... there's a couple that stick around but are very crazy (maybe I'm one of those?)
There's one man that sticks around between meetings a lot who has around 20 years of sobriety I think, and he's a nice guy. He's one of the ones that I've always felt safe around.. we chat sometimes. He's also one of the few who I have been honest about my lack of sobriety with. Mainly the few times he has asked.. I guess I come across as sober? Because last week he said I must have some sobriety time now, but I told him the truth.
There's a man that comes to evening meetings that I love strictly because he is an asshole.. but he's an asshole that will contradict or call out the woman I hate on shit she says.. or comment on the cliche shit people say in meetings. He can because he's been sober since I think 89 (a year longer than the woman I hate). His big thing is that we are sober by the grace of God and shouldn't give ourselves credit for it. It's God and the program, and while I do think people deserve some praise for being sober.. they shouldn't think they're better than anyone else. He also has some funny stories.
Then there's one man.. who has been sober since August I think, so not very long.. but he's always been nice to me. He kinda rambles when he shares and is a bit odd, but I trust him. I think I trust him and the other men because they don't gossip. They don't judge people the way the women do. I went to the 8pm meeting yesterday. I did NOT want to go but my head was in a dark place, so I knew I should. Well, the guy chairing was this lawyer who really likes the sound of his own voice.. like it was a small meeting and he talked for 20 minutes at least. I did share. Then the meeting should have been over at 9, but he decided that since they don't lock the building until 9:30 we could just keep the meeting going.
On my best days, I have trouble sitting through an hour long meeting.. last night it was almost unbearable. It would have been fine if he had closed the meeting and just said to stick around if people wanted to talk more.. but he just kept talking. I have made a lot of progress with not leaving early, but because he kept talking I was afraid to leave.. it seemed rude to leave while he was talking. I finally got up at 9:10 and headed out.
The man (Tim) from the previous paragraph walked out with me. He was telling me how he wishes i would share more. I trust him enough to explain why I don't like sharing, how I feel like I don't make sense and I ramble. He says I've never not made sense, which is nice to hear. I always feel like I start sentences and statements without knowing what I intended to say. We talked a bit in the parking lot. He was in the meeting last week where I admitted how little sobriety I've ever managed despite all the meetings I go to. I did wonder if that's why he was talking to me. I still worry about being judged, but with him and the first one (Ray) I mentioned, I think they care but don't think less of me. I think they give me credit for showing up almost everyday. The women are the ones that comment on how I never go out to eat with them or how I never talk.. both statements are true, but I don't like them reminding me of it. I feel like they talk about me when I'm not there. I feel like they really would judge or gossip if they knew I'm still drinking.
Again.. this may be all in my head, but there is definitely something different talking to the women. I do think this is all a sign I need to work on my trust issues. But I feel like talking to the men because I trust them is better than not talking to anyone.
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