To sleep perchance to dream

I dreamt about work last night. Apparently, I wasn't the only one. Several coworkers admitted to dreaming about work. One was pretty funny.. she said that they told her to find work in the lab because she wasn't able to answer the phone correctly. She went into the lab, and they were baking tarts.

My dreams were less funny. I claimed to not remember them because the only one I do remember was me talking to the medical director and him asking about the cuts on my wrist. In my dream, he asked about them and I showed him the scars on my arms.

I did go to work without a bandage on today. I did feel like people were staring at points, but I didn't care.

I was still preoccupied about the stuff with my supervisor. I did tell my coworker that I wanted to wait until she was there to tell the manager about it. I have told her some about the personal stuff because I know her from school. I told her the truth. I told her I don't trust the supervisor not to try to blame this on my mental health or personal issues. I don't trust him to try to make this about me. She kinda agreed and said to just keep an eye on him until Friday. She did say I could tell the manager some of it and hint at the fact that we needed to talk to her. She is one of the only ones who knows that certain decisions have been made to avoid causing me stress. That's why I am not shift lead. I assume it's why I don't do qc cases. They obviously trust me to since for a while they let me do the pull of unclosed cases with nobody else there to help, and the pull includes qc cases. When they added people to qc rotation, I assume that either they didn't want to increase my stress or they wanted me to be able to do other tasks. So she understands that he shouldn't be making me do them.

I talked to her about the reconfirmations and various things. I also explained the situation to the lead analyst. I mentioned what had happened. I mentioned him not getting reconfirmations done and making me do regular cases. I mentioned having to try to get him to understand that more than one person needed to work on them. She asked about how things are when she isn't there. I told her. I told her about having to handle everything. I mentioned things he doesn't do. I explained the things I have told him about that he hasn't communicated to anyone else. I didn't bring up my personal issues, but I did say that it causes me more stress. She agreed about talking to the manager. She asked me to tell her what I need mentioned to everyone about mistakes I am catching so she can bring it up in the meetings since my supervisor won't. I ranted about him not putting priority on reconfirmations, about him not being clear about what I am responsible for on days she isn't there. Am I lead or is he? If he is, then I am having to do his job. If I am, he isn't really telling me what to do. We talked a while about all this. I am happy she acknowledged that I should be able to tell someone these problems and have them dealt with. That I am in an awkward position where I tell him what is going on that shouldn't be, and he does nothing. She did seem to agree that the qc thing isn't reasonable. So I will let her know tomorrow what needs to be brought up in the meetings. I will send an email about what I have done this weekend that wasn't necessary. I will watch my supervisor Monday and Tuesday to see what I need to address. I probably won't say anything until Friday when I have someone to support me because I am afraid he will try to blame this on me not being able to cope with stress. I don't want to be the only one to bring it up because I don't want it to become about me.

So I hope I can manage. I will try to organize my thoughts. I will continue to make sure work gets done. I just want to make it clear that I am not the only one seeing this. I am not only saying something because I can't cope. I am not bringing it up because I am stressed. I am bringing it up because I am legitimately concerned that he doesn't take things seriously. I tried to explain to the lead how he doesn't seem to understand how many reruns there are. He doesn't understand how the mistakes people make only make them take longer. I honestly don't think he understands. Thankfully, she agreed. She validated all I have seen.

I really hate conflict. I hate that I have had to go to the manager repeatedly about my supervisor. He gets better for a while and then it goes bad again. I don't expect this job to be stress free, but I want him to do his job to avoid causing me unnecessary stress. He knows about my mental health issues and tells me to tell him if anyone is causing me stress, but the truth is that the person causing me stress is him. I don't expect to be stress free, but I know that his behavior increases the work I have to do. The lead said she worries about days she isn't there, and I have to do so many extra things when she isn't. The fact is that she was made lead to minimize my stress. I was lead. I was asked if I would prefer not to be, and I said yes. I don't know exactly what they told her, but that is what they asked me. So it defeats the purpose of this decision if when she isn't there I get asked to handle everything. The problem is that it has never been clearly communicated if I am in charge or the supervisor. If he is, then he isn't doing his job. If I am, then he isn't really letting me do it.

So I don't know what will happen. I am trying not to think about it too much and just work. I enjoy the weekend because the supervisor isn't there. Monday I will go back to observing how he acts. I probably won't mention anything until someone is there to support me. I don't want this to be about my stress because it is affecting everyone.

Tonight I hope not to dream about work. I want to actually rest. I want at least some time where work isn't all I think about.

Not surprised but still annoyed

So today has not been great. I ate lunch and went to Walmart, where I threw up lunch. So I was in a great mood before getting to work. We had a new person starting. I heard the trainer mention having her sit with me for a while, and apparently my facial expression was enough to change her mind. I just was anxious and feeling sick and couldn't handle being cheerful and teaching someone. I did apologize to the trainer later and explained that I was having a bad day and didn't feel well.

Unfortunately the whole reason I was talking to the trainer/my friend is that my supervisor is his old self again. I had noticed already. He has been snapping at people. He has been putting off qc cases. I have had to help close them. She pulled me aside to talk about it. I told her about some things he has done recently. I told her all she can do is talk to the manager again. None of us can change his behavior. We can only observe and try to get work done.

I hate this kind of drama. I honestly have been upset by his behavior, but I see no point in saying anything. I told her I was willing to go to the manager with her. I am regretting saying this. I am afraid that if I do and he realizes it, he might tell the manager about how I am doing. He probably wouldn't think of it as retaliation. He would be able to believe that I am only upset because I am stressed. I know this is paranoid, but I am worried.

I then got to try to manipulate him. He had told me he wanted me to close cases and that someone else would do reconfirmations. She didn't start until almost 11. I kept trying to hint that she needed help. He kept saying it was fine. I finally opened the rerun list while he was standing behind me and said look. This is how many there are. If they don't get done tonight, I will probably have to do them tomorrow. He finally agreed. I was in panic mode by then because of it. I was upset that he clearly hadn't been paying attention and not taking it seriously. He doesn't work weekends, but I do. I knew that by putting off reruns he was increasing the number I would be doing tomorrow. It would mean another anxious, panicked, busy weekend for me and he wouldn't be around for it. He wouldn't have to deal with it.

So I am frustrated. I am frustrated with him. I am frustrated that the other person didn't say she needed help or didn't start sooner. I am frustrated that he didn't assign me to the reconfirmations in the first place. I spent the day paranoid that there was some reason he didn't want me doing them because surely he wasn't clueless and was taking the number seriously. I don't know if he had a reason or is really clueless about how quickly they add up.

I think I may tell my friend that if she talks to the manager, I will back her up. I will provide evidence of what I have seen. I can show that I sent him cases last Friday and he didn't close them until Monday. I can show that I did at least 20 qc cases Monday even though I am not someone assigned to do qc cases. I don't want to be the one to bring it up because I don't want this to be viewed as me being stressed and complaining about having to help. I am able to do these things, but my life would be easier if I didn't have to. My life and everyone else's would be better if he took things more seriously. I told him about problems I have found doing reruns. I still had to email the daytime supervisor about things because I know he didn't tell her. It made me so anxious sending that email, but I was more scared of mistakes being made. He made excuses and said the analyst was having a bad day because he doesn't worry about anyone outside of our shift making mistakes because those are the ones that reflect poorly on him. I care about the patients and the doctors.

I am trying to relax tonight and let it go. I have been trying so hard not to fixate on what he isn't doing. I am so happy that he won't be there tomorrow.

Hopeless

I am struggling. Alive but struggling. I am exhausted. It has been so hard getting out of bed the past few days. I am sleeping, but I guess not well. Last night was weird. More than once I thought I heard someone knock on the door. The first time I stayed in the kitchen hoping if someone was there that they would go away. The second time I did go look after a couple minutes and nobody was there. I think maybe they knocked on a neighbor's door and my paranoid self immediately assumed it was mine. It is the weird thing about my apartment. I can hear anything outside my door very clearly but not through the walls. It doesn't help that Nermal's new thing is to sit in the window and meow loudly at anyone outside. She has always spied on the neighbors but now she sits and meows at them. Such a weird little cat. But it just puts me more on edge.

I had therapy today and it was hard. I am feeling very hopeless. My life is a mess. I told her some of it.. the not checking my email, not talking to friends, and that basically I only really function at work. That I am terrified that eventually I won't be able to function at work, and then I don't know what will happen. I am already so paranoid that people talk about me. I worry they see me pick at my skin and assume I am on drugs. I worry that they think that my anxiety is a sign I am not qualified for the job. I don't know of they realize how anxious I am. We're supposed to be introducing ourselves to people in other departments, and I haven't because I feel like that's just going to allow more people to judge me or gossip.

I think that people think I'm antisocial or mean or angry rather than realizing that I am scared. I am scared to walk into the lab. I am scared to have to talk to anyone other than the analysts. I have no logical reason to be so terrified, but I am. I have ceased to interact with people outside of work. I don't talk to friends. I only talk to my parents. I don't think anyone without this kind of anxiety can understand that it is scary to even have someone say hello to me.

I am failing at life. I have several things I need to do. I lost my debit card a few weeks ago and need to switch the payments for a hospital bill, my student loans, and my toll tag to the new card. Somehow I just can't. I can't open my computer to go online and do it. I sure as hell can't call. So I am risking ruining my credit score by avoiding it. I am not functioning.

I don't know what to do. I don't see a way out of this. I only see it getting worse.

I want to sleep for days in the hope of getting better. My body isn't cooperating. I am still throwing up some nights. We were supposed to be using the basketball hoop they got at work, and it's pathetic how week my arms are. I don't know if I am tired or maybe malnourished because of the alcohol. I struggled to carry my laundry basket to the car today. My mom bugged me about getting my oil changed and added more responsibility to avoid. I also need new tires.

So I am alive, but I don't really qualify as a functioning human being anymore. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to sleep. How did it get this bad? And how on earth do I fix it? Or have I gone to far to fix this? Because I only see it getting worse.

Sorry for being such a downer. I don't know how to be anything else right now. I am sorry if the long silence between posts worried anyone. I feel bad writing the same things again and again, but I will try not to disappear for so long between posts. I will try to write at least enough, so that you know I am alive.

Fine

I apologize for ranting so much lately. I don't really talk to people except at work, so I need someone to talk to.

I started today with therapy because she had to cancel last week. I normally have therapy on my day off. Having to go to work after is always rough. I am emotional and have to shut that down and work.

Well then this happened. I heard the manager and my supervisor talking quietly and obviously trying not to be overhead. All I heard was my supervisor say "I didn't overreact". Being paranoid and self centered, my first thought is that it was about our conversation last week about how I am doing. I didn't really trust him when he said it was off the record.

I tried not to give in to the paranoia, but I couldn't. I had been sitting with a trainee doing reconfirmations. I waited until he went back to his desk because he had been reading over my shoulder as I asked the supervisor about some things on the cases. I didn't like him doing it, but I was trying to be normal and try to train like I am not paranoid and awkward. He went back to his desk and I messaged my supervisor to ask if he told the manager what we discussed because I get worried. I don't trust him not to tell, but in the past he has been honest about telling people if asked. He said he didn't. He said he told her he talked to me, and I seemed fine. That he had told me to talk to him if anyone was causing me stress.

For some reason his answer was appropriate, but I doubt we interpret it the same way. I have spent so much time in treatment. I have been told fine is not a feeling. I have heard the acronym for fine

Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

So I am fine, but I doubt in the way he meant. I think he means that I am well or better. I am not well. I am functioning. I am working. I am apparently doing well at that.

However, I am a mess. I live in a messy apartment. I don't talk to any of my friends. I work, I drink, and I sleep. That's it. I am anxious for the majority of the time. I am exhausted. I am not functional. I hate my life. I am neurotic. I pick at my skin. I cut. I have to force myself to eat and sleep.

So when he said I was fine, it seemed about right, but only if you have been trained to believe that word means nothing. I wonder what he believes. I doubt it is the same.

But is there any point in telling them? How does one ask for help when you believe nobody can help you? Why explain that you are always stressed when they can't do anything because the stress isn't logical.

So I don't ask for help. I cry for help. I pick. I cut my wrist. I shake. I hope that someone else knows what to do when I don't. I hope that someone asks because I don't know what to say. I hope they have ideas because I feel hopeless. I need someone else's hope. I need them to value me because I feel worthless. I just don't know how to tell anyone. I see no point.

So I obsess over conversations I don't have. I want to tell him that I am not fine or that fine means something very different. I instead worked. I told my therapist that I want my supervisor to take charge of things and not rely so much on me when the lead isn't there. What did I do? I told him what was going to happen. I assigned tasks. I gave a plate to the other analyst. I supervised the trainee pulling reruns and then told him which to get. I assigned the TNRs to them and interrupted to make sure he was trained properly by the other analyst. I decided what I could manage and told the supervisor to give the other analyst certain work. I basically did what I told my therapist I didn't want to do. I was lead analyst, and the manager took it away to minimize my stress. This was her idea. However when the lead isn't there, I still have to do it because otherwise things don't get done. He becomes focused on his job, and everyone comes to me for directions. I had to suggest that the trainee learn TNRs. I made sure they were done the best way (there's a whole other issue with the analyst training him and that). I gave the plate to the other analyst because I am faster at reconfirmations. I don't know how it would have gone if I just left it to the supervisor. Maybe he would have suggested the same. But I feel guilty not only for my work but for everyone else's. I feel bad if I didn't do enough or if I could somehow have helped them do more or better.

So I am tired. I am anxious. I am fine, but I am not well. I am drinking and cutting and watching TV in order to forget it all. I need help but don't think anyone can help me. So I am ranting. Now I should probably just go to bed.

Wondering

I have been wondering lately. I am wondering what people think of me. I am wondering what they know about me. I am wondering what they say about me when I'm not there.

I don't know if the picture will upload, but it explains why. My face is a mess. I can't stop picking. I wonder what my coworkers think. Do they think it's anxiety? Do they think I'm on drugs? Do they think I'm crazy?

Then I wonder what else they're aware of. How much do they notice my scars? My behavior. My words. I know I have said weird things in the past. I know I used to pace. I know that I have done everything possible at times to avoid using the phone.

Recently a coworker tried to get me to talk to the payroll person about something. I suggested she said an email both because I don't want to talk to people I don't know and because I didn't think I should have to do it for her. After that she made a comment that she knew I wouldn't talk to the person. I don't think she understands that I am not antisocial. I have severe social anxiety. There's a difference.

I wonder if they have figured out why I have taken so much time off this year. I didn't tell anyone in advance, so I don't know if they asked and what was said.

I know none of this is my business. It's not my problem. I just can't help wondering how crazy I really seem to them. I even considered asking someone but decided that would just make it worse. I am worried about this week and if anyone is going to try to talk to me about what's going on. I don't want to think or talk about it. I don't want to try to figure out what to do about it. I am well aware that things are bad. I am aware that the drinking is out of control. It's becoming apparent that my body is suffering.

Instead, I am focusing on work. I am thinking about it and dreaming about it. It at least gives me some purpose. I don't know what else I have to live for at times, so I focus on work. I don't know what the point of this post was. I just needed to vent.

Rough morning

Not having a good day, and I haven't even gotten to work.

I woke up because a friend texted me before it was even 7am about our lunch plans for tomorrow. I didn't even read the texts, although admittedly she apologized and said she meant to send it later.

Then before 9 my ex-sponsor called. I seriously don't know if she has never realized that I am not awake that early or doesn't care. She used to do it a lot and seem a bit judgemental that I was in bed, but given the hours I usually work.. I just don't do morning. Anyway, she asked what I was doing and we chatted. She said she thinks about me. I know I haven't been to many meetings lately, and people probably worry. Honestly though, I wanted to cry when I got off the phone. I am still not over what she did. Talking to her makes me feel lonely and abandoned and worthless. She chose to stop being my sponsor at the worst possible time, and I know it is very much a part of why I ended up in hospital and relapsing. I know that's because clearly our boundaries weren't good.. but still.

So I couldn't go back to sleep. I have been getting this feeling lately like I am being strangled, and I honestly don't know if it's anxiety or something with my heart. I tried to take my anxiety medicine with some vodka and ended up throwing up. I finally settled on watching Grey's Anatomy for a few hours until I was ready to get up. I actually fell asleep a few minutes before having to get up and get ready for work. I am exhausted and wanted desperately to call in sick, but I would feel too guilty.

I think it will be a rough day. I also know I cannot really explain why if anyone asks because the sponsor thing is complicated. How do you explain how that short of a conversation with someone who is still a friend can make you want to die? So I will fake being fine. I hope nobody says anything and that work isn't too crazy.

Guilt and worry

So I did it. I talked to my supervisor. He went to lunch at the same time I did and started talking to me. I told him I am more stressed than I expected. I said that I am not eating or sleeping enough. I said I am not coping in healthy ways. Unfortunately he asked about the drinking. I said that I have occasionally. He said not to bring it to work and I said of course not. He asked about outpatient. I explained why I wasn't doing it. He said that worried him. He said he worries about me. Not as an employer but as a friend. I said I don't want to worry people. He asked about the atmosphere at work and if anyone was causing me stress. I said it's not that. That really has improved. He said they took steps to fix it, which I knew. One of my coworkers said how they had talked to some people who had been complaining and gossiping. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but oh well. It really is more the actual work. Thankfully, he didn't ask about the bandaid on my wrist.

After we went back to work, I asked him not to repeat what I said or to at least tell me if he does. He said he won't. That it was off the record. I really would just rather people talk to me directly.

I feel guilty that I worry him. I hate worrying people. He said I have worked there a long time and people want me to be ok. I know they value me, which I really care about. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

I am sorry for not updating sooner. I know I ended the last post on a bad note. I really need to learn my lesson about drunken cutting. Not a great choice. Tomorrow I hope to relax and catch up on sleep.

I don't know if I did the right thing telling him. I think he would worry whether I talked to him or not, and I don't like myself when I lie. I hope he doesn't tell anyone, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did. He has not always been good at keeping things to himself.

I was a bit frustrated because my one request today was not to do reconfirmations. I have been dreaming about them, and I wanted a break. Yeah... I still ended up having to help with them because the analyst doing them was taking too long. I seriously did have a dream where someone sent me to get reruns, but when she printed the list the formatting was wrong so it printed like 50 pages. I was trying to find the ones I needed and hide the rest. So yeah.. I really needed a rest. I am happy to have the next 2 days off. I am exhausted.

To tell the truth?

I am still not feeling entirely well. I spent last night throwing up after spending the day laying on my parent's couch trying to sleep. I finally gave up on food and just had a few shots and went to bed.

Today physically I am a bit better. My body doesn't hurt as much. I ate lunch before work and brought cereal for dinner. I swear that when I was walking across the parking lot, I thought I might cry. I just felt like I was sinking.

I held it together ok until I was leaving. My supervisor asked how I was doing and said that he knows I wasn't feeling well the other day. I said I was ok. I could tell he didn't believe me. I mean I am back to having spots and scabs all over my face from picking at it while I am at work. I also hesitated a little too long feeling I should say something more, but I couldn't come up with something. I wanted to say something about the other night, but I am afraid he's already assumed it was alcohol related. It might have been, or I might have had a virus. I thought about saying I have been stressed, but I don't know if it makes any difference admitting it. I don't think I should say that I think I came back to work too soon or that my depression is worse and I am afraid I will just end up back in the hospital. I don't think I should say that I cried my first day back and cut myself when I went home. I don't know what to say. So I said I am ok and I left. I have been playing through ways I could have answered ever since, but I don't know. It feels pointless. I don't want to admit to the drinking. I don't want to admit to feeling hopeless. I don't want to make it worse, but I am not sure lying isn't also making it worse. I know I can't hide it entirely. I know from his face he is already concerned. I want to talk about it, but I am still terrified of losing the job because I really think I would kill myself if I did. So for now I am just saying I am fine and thinking over what to do. He wants to help, but I don't know how he can. It feels hopeless. So I left feeling like crying all over again. I also don't know if they talk about me when I am not there. Are they all concerned or are does the manager think I am better. I don't know. I won't unless she says something.

I think what I want to say is that being back has been a lot harder than I expected. That I am not sure I was totally ready. I am not eating enough because the stress is killing my appetite. I am sleeping poorly. I am doing the best I can, whether that's good enough or not. If he specifically asks about drinking, what I can say (because it is true) is that I have not and will not drink at a time or in any way that would compromise the quality and accuracy of my work. I wouldn't be this stressed all the time if I didn't care about not making mistakes. I would prefer not to discuss the drinking at all, but saying that might sound bad. I may or may not be able to say any of that. I have until Monday before I see him again. I am just hoping for a reasonably smooth weekend.

Editing this later. I might have been stupid and cut my wrist again. It's bleeding more than expected but should be fine. I have pressure on it and hope not to need to see a doctor. I am such an idiot. I should know better than to use that knife when drunk.

It's mostly stopped bleeding, but I am an idiot.

Day off

So I have today off, and I really wanted to not think about work. That didn't work out.

I told myself not to check my email, but I did. I read an email from the medical director about a case I sent him to look at and realized I might have forgotten something yesterday. I thought about leaving it until Friday when I work because I couldn't deal with it from home. I settled on forwarding the email to a coworker and asking her to look into it. I worried about bothering someone and admitting I may have missed something, but I decided it was better to make sure someone handled it and not wait until I was there. She replied pretty quickly and it was all OK.

I went to bed around 6am and slept until 3pm. I went to Target for groceries and had lunch. I got home and keep thinking about work. I wonder if I should tell them I can't keep doing reconfirmations because I am struggling with the stress. I think about trying to explain the hospital experience so they understand that I didn't spend the time I was off resting. I spent it inpatient and scared of other patients and having anxiety attacks. I spent it outpatient having my choice to be independent criticized and being told I should move home. I was not mentally well when I came back to work. I was tired and doubting my ability to get better. Then add in work stress, and I am not coping well. I feel like I should tell them. I feel like it's only a matter of time until I kill myself. I don't have hope.

I doubt I will say any of this. Work is so much of my life and a great distraction from all my failure. It is my own weakness that makes it difficult. I hope tomorrow to think about it less. I guess I will see.

Sick and tired

Either I am getting sick or my body is rebelling against how I treat it. After days of nausea, I had to leave work an hour early last night because nothing would stay down. I probably should have eaten more than applesauce for dinner but whatever. I was also suddenly cold with muscle aches, which is a new symptom, and despite sleeping the night before I was exhausted.

So I went home and spent the evening throwing up or in bed trying not to. I couldn't sleep, so I eventually drank vodka and had a Lara bar and went back to bed. I woke every couple hours because I couldn't get comfortable.

This morning I thought I heard a knock on the door and then proceeded to dream that someone fell from the air vent into my bedroom. I woke up and panicked because while I knew that obviously was a dream, I didn't know if someone knocked on the door. So after laying there in a panic, I made myself decent and went to look. I looked through the peephole and then quickly opened the door to check nothing was hanging on it. It was fine. I had a couple shots and went back to bed.

I finally got up exhausted and shaking and my muscles still ached. I went to pick up medication from the pharmacy knowing I would need the Vyvanse. I was starving and went to chik-FIL-a and Walmart. Now I'm at work and so anxious. The supervisor isn't here and I have 1 other analyst and a trainee and far too much work for 3 people. I texted the manager after she left to clarify the priority of what we have since clearly we can't do everything. Then I took anxiety medicine and tried not to appear as upset as I am. Thank god I have tomorrow off because the stress is not helping whatever my body is upset over.

Well, I survived. I couldn't stop thinking that we weren't getting enough done, but really I couldn't have done more. If others could, well, not for me to judge. I kept checking in on the other 2 to make sure things were going ok. They kept saying yes. I ended up doing 29 cases, importing 2 plates, 7 stat TNR cases, and 31 reruns. I stayed until around 1:20, but let the other 2 leave closer to midnight. I also had to send the nightly updates and keep the various log books. I was feeling shaky and flushed which made me feel very self conscious (I also did something stupid but don't want to go into it). I am more nervous lately that someone will discover this blog. Anyway, I kept picking at my face which I think is why I was flushed. Plus it was warm. I apologized to the trainee a couple times for bugging them about what they were doing because I just wanted to make sure they wrapped up on time and things were organized. I mean I ran around a bit like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get as much done as possible and not miss anything. I still am stressed. I am afraid they will try to get me to come in on my day off, which I doubt, but I really need the days off. I need to clean. I need to get groceries. I need to sleep. I did go and buy cereal after work. Tonight the only things that sounded good were Rice Krispies and almond milk. I don't know. So I am having that and skittles for dinner. Tomorrow I will try to buy some other options. I need to get back to functioning which includes drinking less and trying to eat better. And by better I actually mean more calories for once, and not just in the form of applesauce.

I started taking my antidepressant again and picked up the new/old mood stabilizer. I took the Vyvanse and Vistaril to survive work. I swear I am trying to make things work.

First day back

I got the release from my psychiatrist to return to work. It was actually a decent appointment compared to the last time (which ended in him saying he wasn't going to try to treat my depression because of the drinking). He actually suggested me starting Lamictal again, which I had been thinking about. He seems to be leaning towards believing that I am bipolar and not just depressed. Mainly due to it not responding to medication. I told him about the hospital stay. I said I was eager to go back to work, and he was perfectly fine with it.

Work was crazy. The manager was clearly happy to see me. She filled me in on updates and said she was glad I was doing better. My supervisor thankfully wasn't there. The boss told me I was looking well and hugged me, which I assume means they told her where I was. That or I looked worse than I thought before I left. My coworker who is the only one I told besides the supervisor/manager said I looked rested. I then spent 8 hours closing reruns and cried walking to my car at midnight. I told them I couldn't work late because I was exhausted and had a headache and was pretty sure I would cry. I haven't done that many reruns in a long time, and it felt like I accomplished nothing in a full day. Now I am home sitting writing this and thinking of cutting. I get to go back tomorrow and try again. I think I put on a brave face when I got there but didn't acknowledge that this place can make me crazy. It is exhausting and stressful and I don't know if I am ready for it. I just don't know what else to do with myself than work.

So hopefully it will get better and not worse once I am used to it again. It was nice how happy people were to see me. It was nice to be wanted and needed somewhere. I just hope I can handle it and am not about to end up in the hospital again because of it.