I am awkward in social situations. This can either be because I am not doing what is normally socially expected.. not eating, not talking, not drinking, not playing a game. I am failing to do what others do. Or I am doing all those things, but I and maybe others are aware that I am faking it. I am forcing myself to do what's expected and seem happy and social. Most of the time if I am around more than a couple people, I am having to force myself to be there. I am usually ok with up to 3 friends or acquaintances. Beyond that, I am uncomfortable, and I am having to really try to be there. Same if it's people I don't know well.
I have a friend whose birthday is toward the end of November. The past couple years she has planned a party/gathering around Thanksgiving because we have several friends who live in other states, but they tend to be home around the holidays. This year, she planned a party for yesterday the Saturday after thanksgiving. She invited me, a couple friends who went to high school with us, and some girls that were her neighbors.
So I am not a fan of parties or social situations with many people. I almost never go to parties thrown by friends at school. I will sometimes go at the holidays if there is someone coming who I never see because they live somewhere else. I have also gone to a couple parties for childrens' birthdays because a 1st birthday party is a once in a lifetime thing.
Well, I went to the party yesterday. It was pretty fun. We watched a couple really bad movies and played a board game (cards against humanity). What was awkward in this case was pretty obvious. I have gone to several of her gatherings since I became aware that drinking was a problem. I had for years prior established that I did not drink. Not for any particular reason, but I didn't like drinking at parties and I did take medication that interacts with alcohol. Well, at some point I did acknowledge alcohol was a problem. I began asking if alcohol would be served or would be encouraged. What is awkward is that at several occasions, I brough alcohol or drank alcohol. I don't remember when exactly I said I had a problem with alcohol, but I know over the past few years I have mentioned it.
Well, Saturday I went to her house. I had not decided prior what I would do. I decided to drink to alleviate the shakes but not talk about it, so I had the equivalent to 3 beers (1 hard cider and 2 peach flavored something or another). I did this without commenting on the fact that I had previously told my friend I had a problem with alcohol and didn't drink. It helped me relax, and mainly it helped me not visibly shake. I do wonder if my friends wondered about it. Do they wonder about me drinking despite things I've said? Do they just think I've been confused? Hard to tell
I have more, but I think I'll save it to tomorrow. I am struggling. I am not functioning well. I am not happy. It's hard to be a functional human being, but I will update more later.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Monday, November 24, 2014
AA, dinner, and drama
That pretty much sums up my evening.
My day was boring, I was at school 11am-7pm. I drank a hard cider in the school parking lot this time. Also ate and purged between office hours and the next open lab. I wasn't planning to purge. I was just suddenly very full and decided I didn't like that.
After school, I went to my sponsor's house for a little while. I had planned to kill time before the 8pm meeting there. I almost skipped the meeting but ended up going. Not sure I'm entirely happy with that decision now. I did text my sponsor this morning that I only had 3 drinks yesterday. She said that was progress. I said I took my blood pressure and it was high but ok.. that might be a lie? It was 140/105 I think the first time, which is very high but not a crisis according to the first website I looked at. A few hours later it was 130 something over 100, so it did go down a bit. I mean.. I took it right after one open lab the first time and right before the next the 2nd time, so school may be a factor. I did minimize my caffeine intake though not my salt intake.. I like salt.
Anyway, I went to the meeting at 8. I think I need to start giving people some sort of name because describing things is complicated. Well, it was chaired by the guy who was over at my sponsor's for dinner last week who is dating another girl from AA with my sponsor. I'll work out names another time.
Oh and randomly, while he was starting the meeting, I jokingly threw a peppermint and hit my friend in the head. I really was not aiming for her head. Anyway, she looked up and mouthed "Was that you?" and at the girl next to me "Was that Beth?" and we all just lost it laughing hysterically. This was far from the first time candy has been thrown in meetings. Just the first time I was involved. 8pm meetings are not the most mature
Well, he picked a weird topic. He said to talk about things going in our lives that we might consider drinking over. Which I guess translates to stressors. I am of course town because the reason I was going to drink tonight is because I was going to drink tonight. I didn't buy vodka, so it was going to continue on my plan of cutting back. However, 1. several people there have not actually heard me admit I'm not sober and haven't been much lately. 2. They would not view cutting back as progress and I was not going to bring up medical safety in the meeting either because that involves also bringing up how much I've been drinking.. I simultaneously feel embarrassed admitting it because I'm drinking so much and because I think by their standards I might be drinking very little.
I ended up saying (between a variety of random swear words) that I haven't been sober a lot lately. That not coming to meetings would probably kill me faster. And that dishonesty was probably part of the problem because I never talk about any of this in meetings. Then I gave up trying to say anything.
Well, after the meeting I went to eat with my friend, her boyfriend, and 2 other people. Well, one of the others was talking about during the meeting how the last two times she's been at a certain restaurant she ran into her mom, who is also an addict. So we didn't go there. Well, apparently her dad (also an addict) was at the restaurant we went to.. and I guess sleeping behind a dumpster nearby. She talked to him in the restaurant and then came and sat with us, and he left. She was obviously upset, and really nobody knew what to say. The other man that came with us (who has been sober a long time) basically said that could be any of us. While she was gone, we had all just agreed that she needs to leave her parents alone if she wants them to get better.. but obviously that's not easy if she is constantly accidentally running into them. We finally changed the subject, but I feel bad.
I mean it's different (if I believe her stories) than my friend that was there that spends a lot of time at her mom's house when her mom is still actively using drugs. That's her choice, although it is also clearly complicated. I am just trying to stay out of anyone else's drama. Weird evening though
My day was boring, I was at school 11am-7pm. I drank a hard cider in the school parking lot this time. Also ate and purged between office hours and the next open lab. I wasn't planning to purge. I was just suddenly very full and decided I didn't like that.
After school, I went to my sponsor's house for a little while. I had planned to kill time before the 8pm meeting there. I almost skipped the meeting but ended up going. Not sure I'm entirely happy with that decision now. I did text my sponsor this morning that I only had 3 drinks yesterday. She said that was progress. I said I took my blood pressure and it was high but ok.. that might be a lie? It was 140/105 I think the first time, which is very high but not a crisis according to the first website I looked at. A few hours later it was 130 something over 100, so it did go down a bit. I mean.. I took it right after one open lab the first time and right before the next the 2nd time, so school may be a factor. I did minimize my caffeine intake though not my salt intake.. I like salt.
Anyway, I went to the meeting at 8. I think I need to start giving people some sort of name because describing things is complicated. Well, it was chaired by the guy who was over at my sponsor's for dinner last week who is dating another girl from AA with my sponsor. I'll work out names another time.
Oh and randomly, while he was starting the meeting, I jokingly threw a peppermint and hit my friend in the head. I really was not aiming for her head. Anyway, she looked up and mouthed "Was that you?" and at the girl next to me "Was that Beth?" and we all just lost it laughing hysterically. This was far from the first time candy has been thrown in meetings. Just the first time I was involved. 8pm meetings are not the most mature
Well, he picked a weird topic. He said to talk about things going in our lives that we might consider drinking over. Which I guess translates to stressors. I am of course town because the reason I was going to drink tonight is because I was going to drink tonight. I didn't buy vodka, so it was going to continue on my plan of cutting back. However, 1. several people there have not actually heard me admit I'm not sober and haven't been much lately. 2. They would not view cutting back as progress and I was not going to bring up medical safety in the meeting either because that involves also bringing up how much I've been drinking.. I simultaneously feel embarrassed admitting it because I'm drinking so much and because I think by their standards I might be drinking very little.
I ended up saying (between a variety of random swear words) that I haven't been sober a lot lately. That not coming to meetings would probably kill me faster. And that dishonesty was probably part of the problem because I never talk about any of this in meetings. Then I gave up trying to say anything.
Well, after the meeting I went to eat with my friend, her boyfriend, and 2 other people. Well, one of the others was talking about during the meeting how the last two times she's been at a certain restaurant she ran into her mom, who is also an addict. So we didn't go there. Well, apparently her dad (also an addict) was at the restaurant we went to.. and I guess sleeping behind a dumpster nearby. She talked to him in the restaurant and then came and sat with us, and he left. She was obviously upset, and really nobody knew what to say. The other man that came with us (who has been sober a long time) basically said that could be any of us. While she was gone, we had all just agreed that she needs to leave her parents alone if she wants them to get better.. but obviously that's not easy if she is constantly accidentally running into them. We finally changed the subject, but I feel bad.
I mean it's different (if I believe her stories) than my friend that was there that spends a lot of time at her mom's house when her mom is still actively using drugs. That's her choice, although it is also clearly complicated. I am just trying to stay out of anyone else's drama. Weird evening though
Sunday, November 23, 2014
New low
So definitely reached a new low this morning. I managed to drag myself out of bed and go to church. I didn't go the last 2 weeks. I apologize for any typos. I am terrible at typing on my tablet.
I was of course shaking pretty bad. It wasn't so obvious when I was holding a book. I do think they were noticeably shaking when I took communion.
The priest knows I am an alcoholic. I take communion separately since I can't have wine. I have debated changing this since I relapsed so it doesn't matter, but I don't want to admit I relapsed. Eventually, I would be sober again. If he asked, I would probably tell him how bad things are. He has visited me in psych wards and rehab
Anyway, I was planning to go to my parent's house after church, and I didn't want to be shaking. I had planned a solution. It was an awful solution. The last time I went to the liquor store I bought a can of hard cider, which I can tolerate more than beer. I didn't end up drinking it that day because I also brought vodka.
Today I took the cider with me. I didn't know if I would drink it. I didn't know where I would drink it and worried if I would smell like alcohol.
I drank it sitting in my car in the church parking lot after the service. I kept looking to make sure nobody was in the cars next to me watching. I drank it quickly and got out and put the empty can in the trunk of the car. I think you can get in trouble if a police officer sees it in the car.
I drank it and chewed 4 breath mints. I drank diet coke. I finally chewed some fruit flavored gum to cover the smell.
It's annoying because I'm still shaky. I have this idea that my sponsor probably wouldn't approve. I am thinking have 1-2 more drinks tonight. Maybe 1 tomorrow. The hope is that cutting back rather than suddenly stopping might be safer (avoiding withdrawal). I don't know. I will probably call her tomorrow.
I'm also frustrated. Thursday is thanksgiving in the US. My brother might be working that day but doesn't know the time. So my parents have no plans. Don't know if we're cooking or going to a restaurant. Don't know the time. I can tell this may become a big argument, hopefully when I'm not there. I just hate the unknown. Thanksgiving frequently involves my parents arguing because they can't communicate or deal with conflict.
At least if there is a fight, I am able to stay at home or leave.
So adding this later. I bought a couple more cans of hard cider on my way home. Currently drinking the 2nd one. That makes 3 drinks today as opposed to at least a dozen shots of vodka. I texted my sponsor about my idea of cutting back rather than stopping immediately. Her response is that she thinks I should talk to a doctor. I don't want to. I feel like a stubborn child, but I just don't want to. My psychiatrist may or may not be in the office because of the holiday this week. I am doubtful he would trust me to detox outpatient with no monitoring really. My GP always just lectured me on how bad alcohol is for me. I don't think she'd do anything except probably tell me I should be in the hospital.
So I am well aware that this is dangerous. I just don't really care. I think I will carry on with my plan to either not drink tomorrow or drink a bit (not liquor). I can probably borrow a blood pressure cuff at school since there's no labs using them and at least check my blood pressure while I'm there. I'm going to be stuck there from 11am to at least 6, so I'm not going to be home alone. Maybe I'll change my mind about the doctor issue. I don't know
Saturday, November 22, 2014
My dumb car
I will probably update this with a photo later, but I can't find the one I'm looking for.
So anyway, I drive a 2001 Plymouth Neon. Manual transmission. It has behaved fairly well since I got it. Bought it for $900 from a friend in 2009 I think. It was cheap because it needed some repairs. My previous car was a 1992 Toyota corolla, and it died.
Current car has needed a bit of work on the brakes and repair on the air conditioning when I got it. Only big repairs lately is replacing some cable in August and replacing the shifter assembly a few weeks back. To me, a few repairs are ok because I'm still spending less than if I bought a new car. One of my current dreams though is to have a job that lets me afford a car payment.
There is one problem with it that I am not sure how to fix. Well, I can't fix it, and I'm not sure who could. A year or so ago I went to dinner with a couple friends (the 2 vampires actually because they were speaking then) at a mexican restaurant. It has a parking lot that is way too small for the number of customers, so people park in the grass. I gave in and parked in the grass. It was muddy so this was in general a bad idea.
Well, I go to leave and manage to get through the mud backing out. However, there was a ledge (not sure that's the right word) of concrete at the edge of the parking lot. The concrete was a few inches higher than the mud, but it didn't seem that bad. I drive over it, and I could tell it was worse than I thought. My car started making a weird noise. I actually stopped on the way home to make sure my bumper was ok. It was, so I couldn't figure out the problem.
The next day, I go to look at it again. It seems the concrete bent some metal/plastic near the tires. There was plastic actually touching the tire, hence the noise. I emailed my dad this, and he and my mom came out later. I said we should cut the plastic piece because it isn't essential to anything. Eventually, my dad agreed with this (after my mom said it too). So they cut the plastic piece that was touching the tire.
The issue is that the metal is still bent, and that we couldn't fix. It does not actually touch the tire, but depending on how the wheels are turned, it comes close.
Well, since then I have relaxed and not worried about it. Recently, I looked and noticed my front tires look pretty worn. It's even on both sides, so it's just normal wear. I drive a lot, so my tires probably need to be replaced more than usual. I realized it was bad a month or so ago because I was driving to a meeting, and it was raining. At one stoplight, I went to go and my tires spun. The way they do if the car can't get enough traction to move. This happened again later driving to my sponsor's house because there's a fairly steep little hill going there.
I have the money for a pair of new tires. That is not a big problem. However, I am not sure the tire shop will replace them with the metal nearly touching. They may not believe that it's ok. They may not want to then be responsible if that does mess up the tire. I am not sure how to address the issue.
Today it is raining. Not hard, but the roads are wet. This makes me very nervous. I went to my sponsor's house after a meeting.. it was weird. Another person was going to go over there to put her clothes in the dryer with some Febreze to get the smoke smell out. My sponsor was supposed to take her daughter to some party, so she mentioned I could go over to open the house since I have a key. I agree to do this. I get there and my sponsor hasn't left yet, so I wasn't needed. I hung out anyway.
Well, a bit after 5 my sponsor gets a call from someone needing a ride to the 6pm meeting. She wasn't feeling well, so she asked me. My car is a mess, which is the excuse I gave. Mostly, I am scared driving my car on wet roads. I am scared the tires will skid when I try to stop. I am simultaneously scared to have someone in the car who might get hurt and ashamed of my shitty tires. I'm also ashamed of my fear. I feel like a bitch now... I did mention the tires after my sponsor got off the phone. I did not express my fear. I did not mention that I am ok with me dying in a car wreck, but I am not ok risking having a passenger in the car. I am not ok with a passenger seeing me panic when the tires spin. I am also not ok with someone hearing the weird noise my car makes that I can't figure out. That doesn't concern me as far as safety, but it does make me feel like my car is shitty.
So I am writing this because I feel guilty. I could have given the person a ride. Just between car problems and social anxiety, I couldn't. Soon I will try replacing the tires. If the place won't do it, I could either make them put the spare on and give me the tire to put on myself. I could switch that front tire for a back tire (they always put the new ones on the back) and either explain or not explain why. They wouldn't have to deal with the problem. My dad's opinion (I know so little about cars that I run things by him) is to try to buy the new ones and if they refuse we'll deal with switching cars. I just hate feeling like a bitch or feeling lazy for not giving the person a ride. My car is just something I have a lot of fear and shame about.
So anyway, I drive a 2001 Plymouth Neon. Manual transmission. It has behaved fairly well since I got it. Bought it for $900 from a friend in 2009 I think. It was cheap because it needed some repairs. My previous car was a 1992 Toyota corolla, and it died.
Current car has needed a bit of work on the brakes and repair on the air conditioning when I got it. Only big repairs lately is replacing some cable in August and replacing the shifter assembly a few weeks back. To me, a few repairs are ok because I'm still spending less than if I bought a new car. One of my current dreams though is to have a job that lets me afford a car payment.
There is one problem with it that I am not sure how to fix. Well, I can't fix it, and I'm not sure who could. A year or so ago I went to dinner with a couple friends (the 2 vampires actually because they were speaking then) at a mexican restaurant. It has a parking lot that is way too small for the number of customers, so people park in the grass. I gave in and parked in the grass. It was muddy so this was in general a bad idea.
Well, I go to leave and manage to get through the mud backing out. However, there was a ledge (not sure that's the right word) of concrete at the edge of the parking lot. The concrete was a few inches higher than the mud, but it didn't seem that bad. I drive over it, and I could tell it was worse than I thought. My car started making a weird noise. I actually stopped on the way home to make sure my bumper was ok. It was, so I couldn't figure out the problem.
The next day, I go to look at it again. It seems the concrete bent some metal/plastic near the tires. There was plastic actually touching the tire, hence the noise. I emailed my dad this, and he and my mom came out later. I said we should cut the plastic piece because it isn't essential to anything. Eventually, my dad agreed with this (after my mom said it too). So they cut the plastic piece that was touching the tire.
The issue is that the metal is still bent, and that we couldn't fix. It does not actually touch the tire, but depending on how the wheels are turned, it comes close.
Well, since then I have relaxed and not worried about it. Recently, I looked and noticed my front tires look pretty worn. It's even on both sides, so it's just normal wear. I drive a lot, so my tires probably need to be replaced more than usual. I realized it was bad a month or so ago because I was driving to a meeting, and it was raining. At one stoplight, I went to go and my tires spun. The way they do if the car can't get enough traction to move. This happened again later driving to my sponsor's house because there's a fairly steep little hill going there.
I have the money for a pair of new tires. That is not a big problem. However, I am not sure the tire shop will replace them with the metal nearly touching. They may not believe that it's ok. They may not want to then be responsible if that does mess up the tire. I am not sure how to address the issue.
Today it is raining. Not hard, but the roads are wet. This makes me very nervous. I went to my sponsor's house after a meeting.. it was weird. Another person was going to go over there to put her clothes in the dryer with some Febreze to get the smoke smell out. My sponsor was supposed to take her daughter to some party, so she mentioned I could go over to open the house since I have a key. I agree to do this. I get there and my sponsor hasn't left yet, so I wasn't needed. I hung out anyway.
Well, a bit after 5 my sponsor gets a call from someone needing a ride to the 6pm meeting. She wasn't feeling well, so she asked me. My car is a mess, which is the excuse I gave. Mostly, I am scared driving my car on wet roads. I am scared the tires will skid when I try to stop. I am simultaneously scared to have someone in the car who might get hurt and ashamed of my shitty tires. I'm also ashamed of my fear. I feel like a bitch now... I did mention the tires after my sponsor got off the phone. I did not express my fear. I did not mention that I am ok with me dying in a car wreck, but I am not ok risking having a passenger in the car. I am not ok with a passenger seeing me panic when the tires spin. I am also not ok with someone hearing the weird noise my car makes that I can't figure out. That doesn't concern me as far as safety, but it does make me feel like my car is shitty.
So I am writing this because I feel guilty. I could have given the person a ride. Just between car problems and social anxiety, I couldn't. Soon I will try replacing the tires. If the place won't do it, I could either make them put the spare on and give me the tire to put on myself. I could switch that front tire for a back tire (they always put the new ones on the back) and either explain or not explain why. They wouldn't have to deal with the problem. My dad's opinion (I know so little about cars that I run things by him) is to try to buy the new ones and if they refuse we'll deal with switching cars. I just hate feeling like a bitch or feeling lazy for not giving the person a ride. My car is just something I have a lot of fear and shame about.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Trust
This is probably going to be a rant. Posts tend to get away from me and end up incredibly long these days.
I had therapy yesterday. I really wanted to cancel it. I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I remember I was in an outpatient addiction program and the therapist said something about people being in therapy for years, and how it meant it wasn't working. I don't remember exactly. He was an asshole, but he has a point. I have made some progress. I'm a different person than I was 5 or more years ago. I am less selfish, and I'm not in as much denial .
Anyway, we ended up talking about trust. I mentioned the thing in the meeting where the woman was basically pointing to me when someone said something that admittedly is something my sponsor has said before.
The issue is that I feel like people in AA talk about me when I'm not there. This is a huge problem with me. I HATE the idea of people talking about me. It could even be good things, but I need to know what was said and who was talking about it. I am not really sure why. So the idea of people talking about me in AA really upsets me. It makes me not want to share or not want to go.
I know my sponsor has talked to her sponsor about me, and I am kind of ok with that because I get that she's supposed to tell her sponsor things. But, I also think she talks to other women she sponsors, and that's what bothers me. The woman who was pointing me out in the meeting really annoys me. I don't entirely know why, but I don't like how she talks to me. Then I worry about who those people talk to. AA people gossip.
The weekend I was going to detox at my sponsor's house I was aware that she told 2 other people she sponsors because they were going to help supervise me when my sponsor was busy. I go to the women's meeting, and my grandsponsor told another woman about it. That woman told another woman who is a doctor, so she could be aware of medical stuff. But anyway, it ended up with a lot of people knowing what I didn't want them to know. I was embarrassed by the whole situations.
Back to my sponsor, I don't know if I mentioned this and I'm too lazy to go back and look. My sponsor's younger daughter (10 years old) pulled up my sleeve and looked at the scars on my arm. Well, when I was there Tuesday, I asked if the daughter had said anything. She said that her older daughter asked about it, and my sponsor just said they were scars and the daughter was ok with that. My sponsor asked the older daughter if she should say something to the younger one, so she told the younger one the same thing.
I am ok with what she told them. It was probably simpler than me making up a lie. My issue is that if I hadn't asked about it, my sponsor might not have told me she talked to her daughters. And that bothers me. I want to know what people know.
In the past, I was a liar. I lied a lot. Knowing what people know helps me know how to interact with them. If they don't know, I can lie. If they know and I lie, they'll know I lied. I tell people I'm fine, and I do see that people don't believe me.
I don't know why I have such trust issues. My therapist says it can affect a person if they were not validated as a child. My parents never dealt with their own problems. They had anxiety and depression, but I was the only one who ended up in therapy. We would go for long periods of time when we just didn't discuss my mental health. My mom has said mean things to me and then denied she ever said it. Everyone thought my family was great, but they didn't see how dysfunctional they were.
So I learned to lie and avoid awkward conversations. I learned my friends had no interest in my problems (I do see now that teenagers are not equipped to handle that sort of information). I was constantly afraid my therapist would tell my parents things since I was a minor. I did not come from a family that deals with emotions. I did not come from a family that talked about things. I couldn't trust my parents to be supportive when I said things. Somehow all this led to this insane fair of people talking about me.
Anyway, I'm supposed to discuss the trust issue with my sponsor. I can't decide if I will because I am aware that I'm overreacting. I am aware that I am completely obsessed with people talking about me. I also keep clinging to the text my sponsor sent about people watching me die. I have OCD tendencies, and one of my problems is I will pick something that was said and obsess over it. I focus on it for days without talking about it. I obsess over thoughts. My mind is screwed up, and I think people are totally unaware. I would after days or weeks mention to a person something they said, and they've moved on. They forget about it. Then they are surprised that I am so bothered by it. It's like a delayed reaction. I don't do it as much now, but I still occasionally obsess over something. I am insane.
I had therapy yesterday. I really wanted to cancel it. I don't think I'm getting anywhere. I remember I was in an outpatient addiction program and the therapist said something about people being in therapy for years, and how it meant it wasn't working. I don't remember exactly. He was an asshole, but he has a point. I have made some progress. I'm a different person than I was 5 or more years ago. I am less selfish, and I'm not in as much denial .
Anyway, we ended up talking about trust. I mentioned the thing in the meeting where the woman was basically pointing to me when someone said something that admittedly is something my sponsor has said before.
The issue is that I feel like people in AA talk about me when I'm not there. This is a huge problem with me. I HATE the idea of people talking about me. It could even be good things, but I need to know what was said and who was talking about it. I am not really sure why. So the idea of people talking about me in AA really upsets me. It makes me not want to share or not want to go.
I know my sponsor has talked to her sponsor about me, and I am kind of ok with that because I get that she's supposed to tell her sponsor things. But, I also think she talks to other women she sponsors, and that's what bothers me. The woman who was pointing me out in the meeting really annoys me. I don't entirely know why, but I don't like how she talks to me. Then I worry about who those people talk to. AA people gossip.
The weekend I was going to detox at my sponsor's house I was aware that she told 2 other people she sponsors because they were going to help supervise me when my sponsor was busy. I go to the women's meeting, and my grandsponsor told another woman about it. That woman told another woman who is a doctor, so she could be aware of medical stuff. But anyway, it ended up with a lot of people knowing what I didn't want them to know. I was embarrassed by the whole situations.
Back to my sponsor, I don't know if I mentioned this and I'm too lazy to go back and look. My sponsor's younger daughter (10 years old) pulled up my sleeve and looked at the scars on my arm. Well, when I was there Tuesday, I asked if the daughter had said anything. She said that her older daughter asked about it, and my sponsor just said they were scars and the daughter was ok with that. My sponsor asked the older daughter if she should say something to the younger one, so she told the younger one the same thing.
I am ok with what she told them. It was probably simpler than me making up a lie. My issue is that if I hadn't asked about it, my sponsor might not have told me she talked to her daughters. And that bothers me. I want to know what people know.
In the past, I was a liar. I lied a lot. Knowing what people know helps me know how to interact with them. If they don't know, I can lie. If they know and I lie, they'll know I lied. I tell people I'm fine, and I do see that people don't believe me.
I don't know why I have such trust issues. My therapist says it can affect a person if they were not validated as a child. My parents never dealt with their own problems. They had anxiety and depression, but I was the only one who ended up in therapy. We would go for long periods of time when we just didn't discuss my mental health. My mom has said mean things to me and then denied she ever said it. Everyone thought my family was great, but they didn't see how dysfunctional they were.
So I learned to lie and avoid awkward conversations. I learned my friends had no interest in my problems (I do see now that teenagers are not equipped to handle that sort of information). I was constantly afraid my therapist would tell my parents things since I was a minor. I did not come from a family that deals with emotions. I did not come from a family that talked about things. I couldn't trust my parents to be supportive when I said things. Somehow all this led to this insane fair of people talking about me.
Anyway, I'm supposed to discuss the trust issue with my sponsor. I can't decide if I will because I am aware that I'm overreacting. I am aware that I am completely obsessed with people talking about me. I also keep clinging to the text my sponsor sent about people watching me die. I have OCD tendencies, and one of my problems is I will pick something that was said and obsess over it. I focus on it for days without talking about it. I obsess over thoughts. My mind is screwed up, and I think people are totally unaware. I would after days or weeks mention to a person something they said, and they've moved on. They forget about it. Then they are surprised that I am so bothered by it. It's like a delayed reaction. I don't do it as much now, but I still occasionally obsess over something. I am insane.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Random moments of sanity
I originally intended to name this random moments of insanity, but I feel like the moments of sanity are fewer and less frequent these days. I mean.. sanity and insanity are not easily defined anyway. I know the definition that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, and I am good at that. Every time I drink, I at least expect not to black out or get hurt. I occasionally think I'll enjoy it or at least enjoy not feeling. I do get to enjoy the latter, but there's always some consequence like the random bruises I kept waking up with.
Anyway, I drank last night after 5 days sober. I was just depressed. It didn't help that i was stuck at school in a very cold office, and all I had eaten was a granola bar at 3pm. But yes.. depressed and hopeless. I debated calling my sponsor or texting her, but I didn't. I texted her Sunday to call me and she never did, and I'll admit I was upset by that. Anyway, I left school and went to the liquor store.
Fast forward to today because last night was nothing unusual. I managed to wake up at 11:10 and make it to the noon meeting (showered and even ate before). It was interesting because the topic was "keep coming back," which seems appropriate. I have managed to keep going to meetings even if I knew I was going to drink. Afterwards, I texted my sponsor to ask if I could grade papers at her house. It's funny. I use the predictive text on my phone (you type a word and it gives you 3-4 words that it thinks will be next as options). Anyway, if I type "Can" it can predict that the next words will be "grade at your house later" because I'd pick a word and it's suggest the next. I guess I ask this a lot. I have a key, but I always ask.
Anyway, it seemed better than spending hours at school grading.. it turned out to be a good choice because I got to school and the office I use (it's shared by a bunch of people) smelled awful. I think it was something in the trash, but I didn't really want to investigate. I suppose going to her house was one of those random moments of sanity.
Well, the insanity bit.. a guy from AA came over later too. She started cooking dinner for everyone. Chicken, macaroni and cheese, and green beans.. nothing terrible. I asked if I had to eat. She said yes. When I was clearly upset by it, she asked if I'd sit at the table with them and possibly eat. I said yes. I sat down and knew I was going to cry. I'm still not sure if it was the food or sitting with people or both, but I got up and went in the kitchen and told her I couldn't. I curled up in an armchair in another room and did start crying. She commented that she didn't know I was that upset about eating. I tried to say it wasn't that, but I couldn't manage words. I sat there while they ate.
I felt bad because her daughter (the older one the other was in trouble and eating in her room) was at the table when I got up and walked into the kitchen. At some point, I heard her ask if I left (the chair I was in faces away from the kitchen) and I said I was there. My sponsor said I was in a self imposed time out. The look on the daughter's face when I got up was surprise.. before I've always eaten without a fuss (well the fuss took place in another room usually). I figured leaving was probably better than crying at the table.
I did later tell my sponsor the depression had been bad lately. I said I was less suicidal (which was my passive way of saying that i had been suicidal). She asked if I drank last night. I said yes. She asked if I had any left, and I said yes.
The rest of the evening went ok. Well, other than grading lab reports that made me stab myself with the red pen. I'd stop and lay back and stare at the ceiling, then I'd sit up and start again. This happened several times. Occasionally, I'd read her a sentence so she'd understand. I really am not mean. I know the class is hard, but occasionally there are sentences that make absolutely no sense.. and the majority of my students have done poorly on this report. The annoying thing is that I have to grade based on this 2 page long rubric my boss writes, but they are not allowed to see it.. so they don't realize that I'm not being mean that it's not arbitrary. I've had one already email to complain.
I will say (this is the 6th semester I've taught the course) that we tried letting them see the rubric for one report, and they did equally badly (if not worse) on the 2nd. I think that may have been partly my idea. That was kind of a tangent, but I do feel bad giving bad grades even after 3 years. Though, I don't take it personally now.
Anyway, I really have no idea what happened at dinner. I don't know if it was depression or the eating disorder or anxiety. I do know it was a bit embarrassing. I still feel bad seeming insane about things other than alcohol around my sponsor. Mainly, I am ashamed of letting the eating disorder show. I guess because I am overweight, so it seems in my head a bit ridiculous to be this upset by eating food. It's also been 8 years since the bulimia started, and I feel like I should be over this. I know it's not unusual to still have an eating disorder after 8 years. I think it's because my parents' attitude toward the eating and the alcohol and the depression seems to be that I should have grown out of it by now.
Plus, it wasn't just my sponsor. (I really did not expect this to end up so long) Later my sponsor asked something about setting up a blog for her daughter. I told her to try using blogger. I said something about privacy settings to make sure she doesn't get inappropriate comments from random people.. which I've never had a problem with, but I knew she'd be upset if some creep found her and said something. Anyway, I mentioned the way settings can be as far as who reads the blog. I mentioned that mine is public but I only have a handful (and I appreciate every one of you) that read mine regularly. So she asked how people found me. And I said that several people I found and read first, which I think is true.
I made a comment in front of her and the other AA guy about reading eating disorder blogs, which is an oversimplification because I don't just read anything ED related. I care about people I follow and think everyone writes very well. But anyway, I said this and that I watch eating disorder related stuff on youtube.. which is true. Actually, when I'm drunk I always seem to watch certain documentaries or shows. I would wake up and find things open on my tablet. But I said this in front of the guy, so it's possible between that and me leaving the table and asking if I had to eat, he may have gotten a hint of me having a problem with food. My sponsor and maybe one other person are the only ones at AA I have actually admitted having an eating disorder to. In meetings, I will vaguely allude to having problems/addictions beside alcohol that I switch between, but I don't say what they are.
Anyway, I drank last night after 5 days sober. I was just depressed. It didn't help that i was stuck at school in a very cold office, and all I had eaten was a granola bar at 3pm. But yes.. depressed and hopeless. I debated calling my sponsor or texting her, but I didn't. I texted her Sunday to call me and she never did, and I'll admit I was upset by that. Anyway, I left school and went to the liquor store.
Fast forward to today because last night was nothing unusual. I managed to wake up at 11:10 and make it to the noon meeting (showered and even ate before). It was interesting because the topic was "keep coming back," which seems appropriate. I have managed to keep going to meetings even if I knew I was going to drink. Afterwards, I texted my sponsor to ask if I could grade papers at her house. It's funny. I use the predictive text on my phone (you type a word and it gives you 3-4 words that it thinks will be next as options). Anyway, if I type "Can" it can predict that the next words will be "grade at your house later" because I'd pick a word and it's suggest the next. I guess I ask this a lot. I have a key, but I always ask.
Anyway, it seemed better than spending hours at school grading.. it turned out to be a good choice because I got to school and the office I use (it's shared by a bunch of people) smelled awful. I think it was something in the trash, but I didn't really want to investigate. I suppose going to her house was one of those random moments of sanity.
Well, the insanity bit.. a guy from AA came over later too. She started cooking dinner for everyone. Chicken, macaroni and cheese, and green beans.. nothing terrible. I asked if I had to eat. She said yes. When I was clearly upset by it, she asked if I'd sit at the table with them and possibly eat. I said yes. I sat down and knew I was going to cry. I'm still not sure if it was the food or sitting with people or both, but I got up and went in the kitchen and told her I couldn't. I curled up in an armchair in another room and did start crying. She commented that she didn't know I was that upset about eating. I tried to say it wasn't that, but I couldn't manage words. I sat there while they ate.
I felt bad because her daughter (the older one the other was in trouble and eating in her room) was at the table when I got up and walked into the kitchen. At some point, I heard her ask if I left (the chair I was in faces away from the kitchen) and I said I was there. My sponsor said I was in a self imposed time out. The look on the daughter's face when I got up was surprise.. before I've always eaten without a fuss (well the fuss took place in another room usually). I figured leaving was probably better than crying at the table.
I did later tell my sponsor the depression had been bad lately. I said I was less suicidal (which was my passive way of saying that i had been suicidal). She asked if I drank last night. I said yes. She asked if I had any left, and I said yes.
The rest of the evening went ok. Well, other than grading lab reports that made me stab myself with the red pen. I'd stop and lay back and stare at the ceiling, then I'd sit up and start again. This happened several times. Occasionally, I'd read her a sentence so she'd understand. I really am not mean. I know the class is hard, but occasionally there are sentences that make absolutely no sense.. and the majority of my students have done poorly on this report. The annoying thing is that I have to grade based on this 2 page long rubric my boss writes, but they are not allowed to see it.. so they don't realize that I'm not being mean that it's not arbitrary. I've had one already email to complain.
I will say (this is the 6th semester I've taught the course) that we tried letting them see the rubric for one report, and they did equally badly (if not worse) on the 2nd. I think that may have been partly my idea. That was kind of a tangent, but I do feel bad giving bad grades even after 3 years. Though, I don't take it personally now.
Anyway, I really have no idea what happened at dinner. I don't know if it was depression or the eating disorder or anxiety. I do know it was a bit embarrassing. I still feel bad seeming insane about things other than alcohol around my sponsor. Mainly, I am ashamed of letting the eating disorder show. I guess because I am overweight, so it seems in my head a bit ridiculous to be this upset by eating food. It's also been 8 years since the bulimia started, and I feel like I should be over this. I know it's not unusual to still have an eating disorder after 8 years. I think it's because my parents' attitude toward the eating and the alcohol and the depression seems to be that I should have grown out of it by now.
Plus, it wasn't just my sponsor. (I really did not expect this to end up so long) Later my sponsor asked something about setting up a blog for her daughter. I told her to try using blogger. I said something about privacy settings to make sure she doesn't get inappropriate comments from random people.. which I've never had a problem with, but I knew she'd be upset if some creep found her and said something. Anyway, I mentioned the way settings can be as far as who reads the blog. I mentioned that mine is public but I only have a handful (and I appreciate every one of you) that read mine regularly. So she asked how people found me. And I said that several people I found and read first, which I think is true.
I made a comment in front of her and the other AA guy about reading eating disorder blogs, which is an oversimplification because I don't just read anything ED related. I care about people I follow and think everyone writes very well. But anyway, I said this and that I watch eating disorder related stuff on youtube.. which is true. Actually, when I'm drunk I always seem to watch certain documentaries or shows. I would wake up and find things open on my tablet. But I said this in front of the guy, so it's possible between that and me leaving the table and asking if I had to eat, he may have gotten a hint of me having a problem with food. My sponsor and maybe one other person are the only ones at AA I have actually admitted having an eating disorder to. In meetings, I will vaguely allude to having problems/addictions beside alcohol that I switch between, but I don't say what they are.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
I can't think of a title
Tried to think of something appropriate or clever or whatever for a title, but I'm not going to try tonight. My mind is not working. I'm actually not drunk. Today is day 4 sober (and I really don't want to hear how good that is).
I have gotten very good, too good over the years at acting fine. Or maybe not always fine but ok enough to be left alone. After a while, that only works in public. At home I crash, and tonight is definitely one of those nights.
I picked up my prescription for wellbutrin on Wednesday after not taking it for probably a week. I didn't take it until tonight. I've known for a couple days that things were getting bad. There's this sort of desperate feeling that I start getting when I'm alone. I can drink it away very easily, but I haven't. I have kind of hated myself every night that I chose not to buy vodka because I hate this.
I guess I seem pretty ok. Thursday I had dinner with my parents. Last night I went to school and to a friend's house. I drove back for an AA meeting at 8 because my sponsor said she thought of me when she chose the speaker, so I felt obligated.
It was a good speaker.. Though what I only really focused on was when she was talking about finding her higher power. The woman said her sponsor asked her what kind of things make her feel peaceful (which she said was music) and to bring more of that into her life. I started thinking of what makes me peaceful, and I don't have much. I have things that distract me. Then I thought that depression feels peaceful. Not terrible depression, but that lingering sadness. I realize that's usually why I don't start taking my meds again.. I like that tired sadness.
But I do the same thing every time. I stop taking them and enjoy that sadness until it reaches the point where either I can't function or I start worrying I might do something serious. Sometimes serious is just self harm.. I start thinking a lot about self harm, and I take them again. Or I drink. This time, I was drinking most of the time, and the self harm started and I just didn't care. It's not anything that needed stitches, and at this point a few more scars won't make a damn bit of difference.
I got home last night and I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. I needed to grade papers, so I drank a couple cans of diet pepsi and graded until 1am. I stopped at one point to cut myself.. and did again later. I graded and then went to bed.
Before I forget, the thing that was bothering me yesterday.. I texted my sponsor at some point and told her about my therapist going on about how dangerous not drinking was. She asked if I understood what my therapist was saying. I don't remember how the other messages went, but then she sent one that said "Sweetheart, we all see you dying. It's scary. Everyone reacts differently to what is happening." I wanted to text her that I wasn't dying, but I remember her saying a few days before that any doctor would argue. That I just wasn't dying as fast as I want. I didn't say anything because I really didn't want to know what people see. I like to live in my own little world where this isn't hurting anyone. But that stayed on my mind
Today, I went to lunch with a girl from AA and then to a meeting. The meeting was on selfishness. I thought for a bit and then realized that I think I'm not being selfish as long as I don't tell anyone what's going on. I choose to believe nobody can see what's going on.. and there have been several conversations with my sponsor and at least one other person that make it clear it's not true. I just don't know if it's behaviors they see, if it's emotions they see, or if physically I look ill. I didn't end up saying this. Mainly because someone said something about being able to show someone the steps or the answer but you can't make them ready or make them do it.. or something along those lines. Well, this woman who has my same sponsor (the one I've bitched about calling me) looked at me and then at my sponsor.. that kind of thing where I could tell she was silently pointing at me.
Anyway, my sponsor has told me essentially that, so that didn't bother me. It was the feeling that they talk about me when I'm not there. The feeling that my sponsor talks about me with other people. The feeling that other people know things I don't or things I don't want them to know. Or just something, and it made me angry. It made me angry and it made me want to curl up in a little ball or run. I didn't run, but I refused to speak. I hung around a few minutes after the meeting in an attempt to seem ok, and then I went out to my car. I went out to my car and almost started crying, so I went back inside.
I ended up agreeing to go to my sponsor's even though she went to some school play. I graded papers and then we watched tv when she got back around 9. I thought about telling her this, and I couldn't (my heart started racing at the thought of saying it). I did bring up (because it was a reason I hesitated to go to her house) that one of her daughters had noticed the scars on my arm last week. It was the younger one, and I guess the older did see and asked about it. My sponsor said scars and her daughter said ok. She asked the older daughter if the younger saw, and since she did she told the younger one they were scars.. and the daughter said ok. So.. no big deal. Anyway, we watched tv.
I left and got that sinking feeling walking to my car. It was too late to buy liquor. I went home. I walked into the apartment and immediately started crying. I texted my sponsor that I was going to take the wellbutrin. I wanted/want to call and ask if I could sleep on her couch, but I didn't. I won't.
I am supposed to go to church in the morning, but I think I'll make an excuse. I'm tired. I've been having bad dreams every night. I am supposed to have lunch with a friend. I probably shouldn't cancel though she cancelled last weekend. My parents are thankfully out of town.. not sure how late, but I'm just going to go back home and not ask. I do need to search my car for my keys. Otherwise.. I'm just not sure I can handle people. At the moment, I want to curl up and sit on the floor.. but my apartment is a mess, so a chair is less stressful. No liquor stores tomorrow, but I may break down and drink something else. I don't know that I want sobriety.
I have gotten very good, too good over the years at acting fine. Or maybe not always fine but ok enough to be left alone. After a while, that only works in public. At home I crash, and tonight is definitely one of those nights.
I picked up my prescription for wellbutrin on Wednesday after not taking it for probably a week. I didn't take it until tonight. I've known for a couple days that things were getting bad. There's this sort of desperate feeling that I start getting when I'm alone. I can drink it away very easily, but I haven't. I have kind of hated myself every night that I chose not to buy vodka because I hate this.
I guess I seem pretty ok. Thursday I had dinner with my parents. Last night I went to school and to a friend's house. I drove back for an AA meeting at 8 because my sponsor said she thought of me when she chose the speaker, so I felt obligated.
It was a good speaker.. Though what I only really focused on was when she was talking about finding her higher power. The woman said her sponsor asked her what kind of things make her feel peaceful (which she said was music) and to bring more of that into her life. I started thinking of what makes me peaceful, and I don't have much. I have things that distract me. Then I thought that depression feels peaceful. Not terrible depression, but that lingering sadness. I realize that's usually why I don't start taking my meds again.. I like that tired sadness.
But I do the same thing every time. I stop taking them and enjoy that sadness until it reaches the point where either I can't function or I start worrying I might do something serious. Sometimes serious is just self harm.. I start thinking a lot about self harm, and I take them again. Or I drink. This time, I was drinking most of the time, and the self harm started and I just didn't care. It's not anything that needed stitches, and at this point a few more scars won't make a damn bit of difference.
I got home last night and I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. I needed to grade papers, so I drank a couple cans of diet pepsi and graded until 1am. I stopped at one point to cut myself.. and did again later. I graded and then went to bed.
Before I forget, the thing that was bothering me yesterday.. I texted my sponsor at some point and told her about my therapist going on about how dangerous not drinking was. She asked if I understood what my therapist was saying. I don't remember how the other messages went, but then she sent one that said "Sweetheart, we all see you dying. It's scary. Everyone reacts differently to what is happening." I wanted to text her that I wasn't dying, but I remember her saying a few days before that any doctor would argue. That I just wasn't dying as fast as I want. I didn't say anything because I really didn't want to know what people see. I like to live in my own little world where this isn't hurting anyone. But that stayed on my mind
Today, I went to lunch with a girl from AA and then to a meeting. The meeting was on selfishness. I thought for a bit and then realized that I think I'm not being selfish as long as I don't tell anyone what's going on. I choose to believe nobody can see what's going on.. and there have been several conversations with my sponsor and at least one other person that make it clear it's not true. I just don't know if it's behaviors they see, if it's emotions they see, or if physically I look ill. I didn't end up saying this. Mainly because someone said something about being able to show someone the steps or the answer but you can't make them ready or make them do it.. or something along those lines. Well, this woman who has my same sponsor (the one I've bitched about calling me) looked at me and then at my sponsor.. that kind of thing where I could tell she was silently pointing at me.
Anyway, my sponsor has told me essentially that, so that didn't bother me. It was the feeling that they talk about me when I'm not there. The feeling that my sponsor talks about me with other people. The feeling that other people know things I don't or things I don't want them to know. Or just something, and it made me angry. It made me angry and it made me want to curl up in a little ball or run. I didn't run, but I refused to speak. I hung around a few minutes after the meeting in an attempt to seem ok, and then I went out to my car. I went out to my car and almost started crying, so I went back inside.
I ended up agreeing to go to my sponsor's even though she went to some school play. I graded papers and then we watched tv when she got back around 9. I thought about telling her this, and I couldn't (my heart started racing at the thought of saying it). I did bring up (because it was a reason I hesitated to go to her house) that one of her daughters had noticed the scars on my arm last week. It was the younger one, and I guess the older did see and asked about it. My sponsor said scars and her daughter said ok. She asked the older daughter if the younger saw, and since she did she told the younger one they were scars.. and the daughter said ok. So.. no big deal. Anyway, we watched tv.
I left and got that sinking feeling walking to my car. It was too late to buy liquor. I went home. I walked into the apartment and immediately started crying. I texted my sponsor that I was going to take the wellbutrin. I wanted/want to call and ask if I could sleep on her couch, but I didn't. I won't.
I am supposed to go to church in the morning, but I think I'll make an excuse. I'm tired. I've been having bad dreams every night. I am supposed to have lunch with a friend. I probably shouldn't cancel though she cancelled last weekend. My parents are thankfully out of town.. not sure how late, but I'm just going to go back home and not ask. I do need to search my car for my keys. Otherwise.. I'm just not sure I can handle people. At the moment, I want to curl up and sit on the floor.. but my apartment is a mess, so a chair is less stressful. No liquor stores tomorrow, but I may break down and drink something else. I don't know that I want sobriety.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Winter
So I fully acknowledge I'm a wimp when it comes to cold. I wasn't as a kid. I loved cold weather. When we moved to Texas, I laughed at people wearing heavy coats when it's 50 F outside. I do still laugh on occasion because I'm less wimpy than some people.
It's 28 out now, which is nothing compared to a lot of other places.
I think when the depression got bad, I lost my ability to tolerate cold. My mood gets terrible. I get tired. I stop wanting to eat or eat compulsively.. one extreme or the other.
Admittedly, I do probably make things worse. When I get depressed, I make poor choices. I pretty traditionally stop taking my meds consistently. I get tired and lazy and run out of some medication. I may refill it at the pharmacy but take a week to pick it up. I did that recently. I went probably a week without my wellbutrin. It was waiting at the pharmacy, but I kept making excuses about getting it. Probably has to do with the drinking becoming my main focus.
On top of that.. I know I hate being cold. Yet, I won't turn my heat on. Or I'll leave the window open and wake up freezing at 2am and close it. Right now the heat is on if the apartment drops below around 60. Not sure how accurate the thermostat is because I can't find the thermometer I used to keep around to check the temperature in the apartment. Generally, I only turn the heat on if my bedroom gets below 60. Yesterday it was around 35 outside and I went out in just a tshirt. I ended up wearing my lab coat just to have something. Now, I'm sitting here wearing jeans, a sweatshirt, and a bathrobe.
I finally put the robe on because the sweatshirt wasn't enough. Now just my hands and feet are cold.
Anyway, I'm whining. I am not in a great mood. I didn't drink last night or tonight. My therapist decided that instead of being happy about that she should tell me how dangerous it is to stop drinking. It is, but so is drinking a bottle of vodka everyday. The reason I'm wearing a sweatshirt (besides the cold) is that I have a couple of nasty bruises on my arms I didn't want my parents to see. I have a few on my arms, a couple on my legs, and a scrape on my knee. All from while I was blacked out. I got a lecture about that and a lecture about needing to eat. It was really frustrating.
Then on top of that, I keep my keys for school (2 for classrooms, 1 for a shared office, and a few from when I was doing research) separate from my car and house keys. I can't find them. They were in my backpack monday. They're not there now. I thought they were in my very messy car, but I haven't found them yet. Oh and my flashdrive is attached to them. It's $7 to replace each key, and I have to report them missing before I can order replacements. The department won't be happy about that. I lost them once before but found them 2 days later.
Hopefully they'll turn up before I have to teach Monday. I have a ton of grading to do. Plus, I'm supposed to email all my students about these stupid presentations they are supposed to do next week. It's like 1-2minutes per person, and I wasn't really able to assign them in class because 1 class was cancelled, 1 was missing 5 people, and 1 found out there was not a quiz and practically ran out before i could say anything. I just don't want to deal with this. And I really want a drink. I would very much like a day to sit at home all day with a bottle of vodka and forget everything.
It's 28 out now, which is nothing compared to a lot of other places.
I think when the depression got bad, I lost my ability to tolerate cold. My mood gets terrible. I get tired. I stop wanting to eat or eat compulsively.. one extreme or the other.
Admittedly, I do probably make things worse. When I get depressed, I make poor choices. I pretty traditionally stop taking my meds consistently. I get tired and lazy and run out of some medication. I may refill it at the pharmacy but take a week to pick it up. I did that recently. I went probably a week without my wellbutrin. It was waiting at the pharmacy, but I kept making excuses about getting it. Probably has to do with the drinking becoming my main focus.
On top of that.. I know I hate being cold. Yet, I won't turn my heat on. Or I'll leave the window open and wake up freezing at 2am and close it. Right now the heat is on if the apartment drops below around 60. Not sure how accurate the thermostat is because I can't find the thermometer I used to keep around to check the temperature in the apartment. Generally, I only turn the heat on if my bedroom gets below 60. Yesterday it was around 35 outside and I went out in just a tshirt. I ended up wearing my lab coat just to have something. Now, I'm sitting here wearing jeans, a sweatshirt, and a bathrobe.
I finally put the robe on because the sweatshirt wasn't enough. Now just my hands and feet are cold.
Anyway, I'm whining. I am not in a great mood. I didn't drink last night or tonight. My therapist decided that instead of being happy about that she should tell me how dangerous it is to stop drinking. It is, but so is drinking a bottle of vodka everyday. The reason I'm wearing a sweatshirt (besides the cold) is that I have a couple of nasty bruises on my arms I didn't want my parents to see. I have a few on my arms, a couple on my legs, and a scrape on my knee. All from while I was blacked out. I got a lecture about that and a lecture about needing to eat. It was really frustrating.
Then on top of that, I keep my keys for school (2 for classrooms, 1 for a shared office, and a few from when I was doing research) separate from my car and house keys. I can't find them. They were in my backpack monday. They're not there now. I thought they were in my very messy car, but I haven't found them yet. Oh and my flashdrive is attached to them. It's $7 to replace each key, and I have to report them missing before I can order replacements. The department won't be happy about that. I lost them once before but found them 2 days later.
Hopefully they'll turn up before I have to teach Monday. I have a ton of grading to do. Plus, I'm supposed to email all my students about these stupid presentations they are supposed to do next week. It's like 1-2minutes per person, and I wasn't really able to assign them in class because 1 class was cancelled, 1 was missing 5 people, and 1 found out there was not a quiz and practically ran out before i could say anything. I just don't want to deal with this. And I really want a drink. I would very much like a day to sit at home all day with a bottle of vodka and forget everything.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Tonight
I do not know with certainty that I will remember this tomorrow, but I know this tonight. I had ~20 shots of vodka. Basically, 1 bottle minus a couple shots. The difference is that I am now aware of what I am writing.
I may black out later, but for now... I have had a lot to drink. I did eat a lot considering.. but I guess that only is equivalent to 2 meals. The biggest detail is that I poured out the vodka left over. I also poured what was left from yesterday.
I talked to my sponsor yesterday. The main idea was that 1-2 days sober do not give me an idea of what sobriety is life. I haven't been more than a few days sober recently, so what do I know about sobriety?
She says she prays about me every morning. I really wish she didn't. It seems a waste of time, but it seems disrespectful to say that. She has the right to pray as she wishes. I need to just accept this. I need to just deal with life. This may include drinking or not. I am really too drunk to have much insight, but I felt I should say something. I will say more later.
I may black out later, but for now... I have had a lot to drink. I did eat a lot considering.. but I guess that only is equivalent to 2 meals. The biggest detail is that I poured out the vodka left over. I also poured what was left from yesterday.
I talked to my sponsor yesterday. The main idea was that 1-2 days sober do not give me an idea of what sobriety is life. I haven't been more than a few days sober recently, so what do I know about sobriety?
She says she prays about me every morning. I really wish she didn't. It seems a waste of time, but it seems disrespectful to say that. She has the right to pray as she wishes. I need to just accept this. I need to just deal with life. This may include drinking or not. I am really too drunk to have much insight, but I felt I should say something. I will say more later.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
I don't know if I want this
I drank a bottle (750ml) of vodka last night.. I didn't plan to finish it. I do actually remember finishing it.. I did spill some pouring the last shot. I don't remember all of last night, but I do remember the last shot.
I don't know if I want to be sober. I don't know if I want to get better. I do wish I could remember what I do at night. I wish I didn't shake.. today it wasn't just my hands, I get weird muscle spasms/twitches. Like my whole foot or leg would move.
It's Sunday so liquor stores are closed, and I didn't have any more at home. I went to a movie with my parents, and I felt weird when we left. It's happened before.. it feels like I'm dreaming. I can't focus well and things don't feel real.
I really probably shouldn't have driven home. It's more than 30 miles. It was complicated (well I guess this might not normally be complicated) because an exit I take was closed so I had to go a different way. I was having trouble focusing on more than the car ahead of me.
So I made it home safe, and I really would have stopped if I didn't think I could do it. I texted my sponsor when I got home about it because I felt someone should be aware in case I have any detox problems since I was drinking so much this past week.
I sat around watching tv. I kept eating random stuff.. which became a mini-binge (a bowl of cereal, bread with tomato sauce, a couple cookies) and purge. It was stupid.
Now I'm debating going to bed.. I took my normal meds plus a trazadone and melatonin. I'm tired but I'm also kinda stuck in depression, so i keep watching tv and staring at the computer.
I found myself thinking earlier that maybe I'm not ready to get sober. I don't know if I want it. I don't know what I want anymore. School is stressful and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I am down to maybe 4 friends outside of AA. I hide the drinking in AA. I hide the eating disorder and the cutting from everyone. I hate myself. I hate that my apartment is a mess. I hate that I have no life. I think I need help, but I don't want to ask for it. I don't think anything would help. Maybe if I went away somewhere to a proper rehab. But it's not going to happen. So I feel like I'm stuck this way.
I don't know if I want to be sober. I don't know if I want to get better. I do wish I could remember what I do at night. I wish I didn't shake.. today it wasn't just my hands, I get weird muscle spasms/twitches. Like my whole foot or leg would move.
It's Sunday so liquor stores are closed, and I didn't have any more at home. I went to a movie with my parents, and I felt weird when we left. It's happened before.. it feels like I'm dreaming. I can't focus well and things don't feel real.
I really probably shouldn't have driven home. It's more than 30 miles. It was complicated (well I guess this might not normally be complicated) because an exit I take was closed so I had to go a different way. I was having trouble focusing on more than the car ahead of me.
So I made it home safe, and I really would have stopped if I didn't think I could do it. I texted my sponsor when I got home about it because I felt someone should be aware in case I have any detox problems since I was drinking so much this past week.
I sat around watching tv. I kept eating random stuff.. which became a mini-binge (a bowl of cereal, bread with tomato sauce, a couple cookies) and purge. It was stupid.
Now I'm debating going to bed.. I took my normal meds plus a trazadone and melatonin. I'm tired but I'm also kinda stuck in depression, so i keep watching tv and staring at the computer.
I found myself thinking earlier that maybe I'm not ready to get sober. I don't know if I want it. I don't know what I want anymore. School is stressful and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I am down to maybe 4 friends outside of AA. I hide the drinking in AA. I hide the eating disorder and the cutting from everyone. I hate myself. I hate that my apartment is a mess. I hate that I have no life. I think I need help, but I don't want to ask for it. I don't think anything would help. Maybe if I went away somewhere to a proper rehab. But it's not going to happen. So I feel like I'm stuck this way.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Shaking
So I'm back to having really bad hand tremors. I think someone in AA noticed. I tried to keep my hands folded or under the table, but when I would pick up my diet coke my hand would shake. It happened last night too but I don't know if anyone was paying attention.
It's embarrassing because it's a pretty clear sign to others that I relapsed. They may have known anyway. I can't bring myself to actually admit it.
To make AA even more uncomfortable today, my pants almost fell off. I keep thinking that I don't need to wear a belt. The jeans I was wearing used to be kinda tight. Obviously not so much now. Thankfully I caught them and nobody was watching. I was planning to go get lunch after, and I didn't want to hold my pants up the whole time. I managed to loop the wrist strap from my wallet between 2 belt loops on my pants which worked.
It's dumb. I know my jeans have been loose and that I always regret not wearing a belt, but I still tell myself I don't need one. I think my brain just will not actually accept that I've lost weight. I mean.. my clothes are loose, I tried on a pair of jeans in a size I haven't been able to wear for a while, I bought a damn scale.. but I hate myself enough to believe I can't be any thinner. The last pair of jeans I bought fit when I tried them on but the next day I wore them and they were baggy. I fail at buying clothes. I also hate buying jeans/pants. I can buy tops because I don't generally buy ones i have to try on. If I give in and admit I need new jeans, I actually have to try them on because I don't know what brand/size will fit.
So the solution, wear a belt. I put a note on the dry erase board on my door as a reminder.
I'm also a bit annoyed with my sponsor. She called this morning around 9:30.. and she knows I'm probably still in bed if it's before 10. But anyway, she asked what I was doing today and I said I had no plans. She told me what she was doing. I think the idea was to see if I wanted to go with her. Something about a friend visiting and going to a car show. Then she mentioned cooking dinner. I said maybe to dinner and no to the car show. She mentioned going to the womens meeting. I went, and she didn't go. So I didn't want to go to her house anyway. I realized that if the friend was visiting, that would mean he would be there for dinner, and I'm not up to meeting anyone new. So I got lunch and vodka and went home.
*** added a bit later
Sitting around watching shows on netflix. It was interesting a woman in AA mentioned not knowing how to live life and how most days were sitting around drinking and watching netflix. It really summed up my life. I spend my time drinking and staring at the computer or tv. I've had about 18 shots of vodka so far. It's only 9.. so I'm sure I'll have more. Should I finish the bottle? Should I drink more and skip church? Should I stop now and drink more in the morning to stop the shakes? Alcoholism is so fucked up. So many decisions that every option is unhealthy
I mentioned today in meeting that I am mixing alcohol and medication because to me the options are 1. take medication as prescribed and drink or 2. drink and skip medication. The idea of taking medication and not drinking seems impossible.. so the assumption is that I will drink and that I may or may not take my medication as prescribed.
I hate my life. I drank a lot... I was planning to drink all of the bottle. I got to almost the bottom. I poured it into the shot glass and back into the bottle and back into the glass. I ended up with what was left in the glass after whatever was spilled.
It's embarrassing because it's a pretty clear sign to others that I relapsed. They may have known anyway. I can't bring myself to actually admit it.
To make AA even more uncomfortable today, my pants almost fell off. I keep thinking that I don't need to wear a belt. The jeans I was wearing used to be kinda tight. Obviously not so much now. Thankfully I caught them and nobody was watching. I was planning to go get lunch after, and I didn't want to hold my pants up the whole time. I managed to loop the wrist strap from my wallet between 2 belt loops on my pants which worked.
It's dumb. I know my jeans have been loose and that I always regret not wearing a belt, but I still tell myself I don't need one. I think my brain just will not actually accept that I've lost weight. I mean.. my clothes are loose, I tried on a pair of jeans in a size I haven't been able to wear for a while, I bought a damn scale.. but I hate myself enough to believe I can't be any thinner. The last pair of jeans I bought fit when I tried them on but the next day I wore them and they were baggy. I fail at buying clothes. I also hate buying jeans/pants. I can buy tops because I don't generally buy ones i have to try on. If I give in and admit I need new jeans, I actually have to try them on because I don't know what brand/size will fit.
So the solution, wear a belt. I put a note on the dry erase board on my door as a reminder.
I'm also a bit annoyed with my sponsor. She called this morning around 9:30.. and she knows I'm probably still in bed if it's before 10. But anyway, she asked what I was doing today and I said I had no plans. She told me what she was doing. I think the idea was to see if I wanted to go with her. Something about a friend visiting and going to a car show. Then she mentioned cooking dinner. I said maybe to dinner and no to the car show. She mentioned going to the womens meeting. I went, and she didn't go. So I didn't want to go to her house anyway. I realized that if the friend was visiting, that would mean he would be there for dinner, and I'm not up to meeting anyone new. So I got lunch and vodka and went home.
*** added a bit later
Sitting around watching shows on netflix. It was interesting a woman in AA mentioned not knowing how to live life and how most days were sitting around drinking and watching netflix. It really summed up my life. I spend my time drinking and staring at the computer or tv. I've had about 18 shots of vodka so far. It's only 9.. so I'm sure I'll have more. Should I finish the bottle? Should I drink more and skip church? Should I stop now and drink more in the morning to stop the shakes? Alcoholism is so fucked up. So many decisions that every option is unhealthy
I mentioned today in meeting that I am mixing alcohol and medication because to me the options are 1. take medication as prescribed and drink or 2. drink and skip medication. The idea of taking medication and not drinking seems impossible.. so the assumption is that I will drink and that I may or may not take my medication as prescribed.
I hate my life. I drank a lot... I was planning to drink all of the bottle. I got to almost the bottom. I poured it into the shot glass and back into the bottle and back into the glass. I ended up with what was left in the glass after whatever was spilled.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Brief update
I wanted to leave a brief update because I realize how bleak and depressing the last few posts were. I think I've been wallowing in self pity lately. My life honestly isn't that bad.. I mean I have a job and a place to live and friends. I'm just exhausted. Plus, I've been blacking out every night, and that really bothers me. I wish I could get really drunk and still at least remember going to bed. I have had to decide in the morning if I took a shower or took my meds the previous night.
I had therapy today.. it wasn't very productive because I didn't know what to talk about it. She lectured me some about eating and about self harm. She keeps saying how she's amazed I can teach without eating or function without eating, which is not very helpful. She says it's making my depression worse. The self harm she asked how I could do something to myself that I wouldn't do to anyone else.. and that makes no sense really. Hurting other people would upset me and be pointless. As illogical as it may be, hurting myself helps me in some way. I get that I'm supposed to be kind to myself, but her argument misses the point.
She says I need to think about what I'm willing to do.. she mentioned staying with my sponsor, but I also think she may be hinting at me going back into the hospital or rehab. That thought has been on my mind, but it seems pointless since I relapsed every time I went somewhere. I've done psych wards, rehab, outpatient programs, and support groups. I mean.. the rehab I went to was shitty, but I am not sure I can come up with money to go somewhere else. And I don't have time to go somewhere more than a few weeks. Still.. I'm not completely opposed to it. I need a break from myself.
For now, I'm functioning. I admitted to my sponsor about buying the scale which was pretty much intended to make things worse. I haven't admitted the self harm or actually admitted the drinking. I am pretty sure she's figured out I've been drinking because I haven't been calling. I'm still going to meetings. I ended up at 3 Tuesday. I went at noon to get away from school. I went to hang out at her house after school and went with her at 6. Then another girl and I had planned to go at 8 to a new group. We're trying to find somewhere a little healthier than my current home group.. which has gotten kinda gossipy and dramatic lately.
So I am surviving. The suicidal thoughts haven't been as bad. I just feel hopeless.
I had therapy today.. it wasn't very productive because I didn't know what to talk about it. She lectured me some about eating and about self harm. She keeps saying how she's amazed I can teach without eating or function without eating, which is not very helpful. She says it's making my depression worse. The self harm she asked how I could do something to myself that I wouldn't do to anyone else.. and that makes no sense really. Hurting other people would upset me and be pointless. As illogical as it may be, hurting myself helps me in some way. I get that I'm supposed to be kind to myself, but her argument misses the point.
She says I need to think about what I'm willing to do.. she mentioned staying with my sponsor, but I also think she may be hinting at me going back into the hospital or rehab. That thought has been on my mind, but it seems pointless since I relapsed every time I went somewhere. I've done psych wards, rehab, outpatient programs, and support groups. I mean.. the rehab I went to was shitty, but I am not sure I can come up with money to go somewhere else. And I don't have time to go somewhere more than a few weeks. Still.. I'm not completely opposed to it. I need a break from myself.
For now, I'm functioning. I admitted to my sponsor about buying the scale which was pretty much intended to make things worse. I haven't admitted the self harm or actually admitted the drinking. I am pretty sure she's figured out I've been drinking because I haven't been calling. I'm still going to meetings. I ended up at 3 Tuesday. I went at noon to get away from school. I went to hang out at her house after school and went with her at 6. Then another girl and I had planned to go at 8 to a new group. We're trying to find somewhere a little healthier than my current home group.. which has gotten kinda gossipy and dramatic lately.
So I am surviving. The suicidal thoughts haven't been as bad. I just feel hopeless.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Getting better or worse
My last post was kinda depressing.. and triggering.. and focused on everything that I am doing wrong. Really, life is more complicated. I do fear things are getting worse.
I had an ok day. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I slept a lot.. I blacked out probably and don't know when I went to bed.. but I got at least 9 hours. My room was cold, and I wanted to stay in bed.. though I think one of my cats was trying to get me out of bed. I woke up at the edge of the bed with him against my back.. a few more inches and he'd have the bed and I'd have the floor. He's a jerk.
I went to church and lunch with a friend. I went to my parents' house. I feel like Sundays are a vacation from life. I pretend so much that things are fine that I believe it. Driving home it doesn't feel that way.
I am terrified about teaching tomorrow.. it's probably dumb, but there is some ceremony November 10th for a chancellor or something at school. It means the class I teach at 11am is cancelled that day. That means I must cover 2 weeks of material tomorrow. That class in particular takes a while to absorb information, and I fear I will go through things too fast. I will do something wrong. I do NOT like change. This has never happened at this point in the semester before. I am tired and everything is hard.
Then I have been listening to a band/group I was a big fan of in high school. That's not a good thing. There's this one song (Group is Bright Eyes) If Winter Ends that has this part
"But I give myself three days to feel better
Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff
'cause if I can't learn to make myself feel better
How can I expect anyone else to give a shit?"
That was a big part of my suicide plan when I was 16. I changed 3 days to 3 months because it would take time to get what I needs since I didn't have a car. Obviously, I didn't do it, but that association remained in my head. So this is not good music to listen to.
Well there's this song "Lua" that perfectly summarizes my life. There's multiple lines that do, but this is what I focused on
"And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live"
The last bit... I live a functional life. I survive and work and live, but I sure as hell would not wish this life on anyone. There's another song that says "I know my actions are impossible to justify, but they seem adequate to fill up my time" that fills in the rest.
I live a life. I cope with whatever the problem is that causes so much emotional/mental pain and fear. I live it with alcohol and bulimia and restricting and self harm and sometimes abusing medication. I do so many things wrong to cope with my life. And I do not know the reason or the trouble, but I know it hurts. I know I feel empty and scared. I live a life to deal with this but no real way to resolve the original problem. It clearly isn't going well. The pain doesn't leave. The fear and emptiness doesn't leave. But I live because I don't want to hurt anyone, and I fear what would happen if I died.
I feel like I should tell someone this, but I really don't think telling my therapist would help. Telling my parents is useless. I could tell my sponsor, but it really isn't her job to deal with the non alcohol part. I know she cares, but I feel like I am placing so much hope on her. I am scared. Things are getting worse, and I don't know what to do or who to tell.. so yeah...
I had an ok day. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I slept a lot.. I blacked out probably and don't know when I went to bed.. but I got at least 9 hours. My room was cold, and I wanted to stay in bed.. though I think one of my cats was trying to get me out of bed. I woke up at the edge of the bed with him against my back.. a few more inches and he'd have the bed and I'd have the floor. He's a jerk.
I went to church and lunch with a friend. I went to my parents' house. I feel like Sundays are a vacation from life. I pretend so much that things are fine that I believe it. Driving home it doesn't feel that way.
I am terrified about teaching tomorrow.. it's probably dumb, but there is some ceremony November 10th for a chancellor or something at school. It means the class I teach at 11am is cancelled that day. That means I must cover 2 weeks of material tomorrow. That class in particular takes a while to absorb information, and I fear I will go through things too fast. I will do something wrong. I do NOT like change. This has never happened at this point in the semester before. I am tired and everything is hard.
Then I have been listening to a band/group I was a big fan of in high school. That's not a good thing. There's this one song (Group is Bright Eyes) If Winter Ends that has this part
"But I give myself three days to feel better
Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff
'cause if I can't learn to make myself feel better
How can I expect anyone else to give a shit?"
That was a big part of my suicide plan when I was 16. I changed 3 days to 3 months because it would take time to get what I needs since I didn't have a car. Obviously, I didn't do it, but that association remained in my head. So this is not good music to listen to.
Well there's this song "Lua" that perfectly summarizes my life. There's multiple lines that do, but this is what I focused on
"And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live"
The last bit... I live a functional life. I survive and work and live, but I sure as hell would not wish this life on anyone. There's another song that says "I know my actions are impossible to justify, but they seem adequate to fill up my time" that fills in the rest.
I live a life. I cope with whatever the problem is that causes so much emotional/mental pain and fear. I live it with alcohol and bulimia and restricting and self harm and sometimes abusing medication. I do so many things wrong to cope with my life. And I do not know the reason or the trouble, but I know it hurts. I know I feel empty and scared. I live a life to deal with this but no real way to resolve the original problem. It clearly isn't going well. The pain doesn't leave. The fear and emptiness doesn't leave. But I live because I don't want to hurt anyone, and I fear what would happen if I died.
I feel like I should tell someone this, but I really don't think telling my therapist would help. Telling my parents is useless. I could tell my sponsor, but it really isn't her job to deal with the non alcohol part. I know she cares, but I feel like I am placing so much hope on her. I am scared. Things are getting worse, and I don't know what to do or who to tell.. so yeah...
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Powerlessness, Helplessness, and Sabotage
The women's meeting I went to today has the topic of powerlessness. I've accepted I'm powerless over alcohol. Also powerless over the self harm and the eating disorder. I was drawn to something I had heard talked about before... I think this was a topic in an eating disorder group or maybe treatment because I don't think this was an AA thing
We used to talk about how there is a difference between being powerless and being helpless. I think this came up when talking about eating disorders because the idea is that we are powerless over having an eating disorder and over our thoughts, but that we have some power/choice when it comes to behaviors. I am powerless over having bulimia, but I could choose to go back the grocery store for binge food or I could not. Or with AA, I can call someone if I feel like drinking, or I could keep it to myself. This is not a clear boundary, so it was not a topic I really liked. But the idea is that helpless means you absolutely can't do anything about it. Powerless means you can't change who I am, but I can make choices about behaviors.
What I really thought about (and this has been on my mind for a couple days) is that I may be powerless over my addictions, but I certainly have the power to make things worse. I have the power to sabotage myself, and I am great at this.
I did not mention in the meeting what these behaviors are because really they're not related to drinking and so not really AA related. I did text my sponsor that maybe I should make a list because I haven't been honest with myself or anyone else.. so.. this is at least a partial list
**Trigger warning**
1st topic, sobriety and life in general
1. I have avoided for a month or two talking to my professor at school about the paper I'm writing. I had for a while avoided even attempting to work on it (that I made progress on)
2. I still spend time with unhealthy friends. I have one I see weekly who is supposedly in recovery from anorexia, but it is so obvious she is not at a healthy weight.. and she has unhealthy behaviors.
I also have L who still feels it's ok to smoke pot in front of me and still brings up her boyfriend who killed himself pretty frequently. Neither are as unhealthy as some I've had in the past, but I should probably be spending time with other people more
3. Not calling anyone in AA. This week.. I called my sponsor Monday and then not again until yesterday. I texted her maybe twice between then. I am supposed to talk to 3 alcoholics a day, and most days I only at best call my sponsor. I do at least talk to people before/after meetings.
4. Avoid meetings. Some is that the group has gotten very gossipy and dramatic (story for another day). I have the option to go to meetings elsewhere. I make a lot of excuses not to go.
5. This is not really intentional, but my apartment is filled with empty vodka bottles. Cleaning is really overwhelming, but I probably could clean up these. I also still have a shot glass.
6. Take poor care of myself. I have been taking my meds most of the time, but I haven't taken any vitamins. I have taken some meds randomly (all I have been prescribed at some point). I also refuse to do things so simple as use lotion even though my skin is flaky now. I stay up later than I should and don't always get enough sleep.
7. It got pretty cold (for Texas) yesterday.. in the 40s. I pretty much always refuse to turn on the heat in my apartment until it drops (inside) below 60F. I also will leave my bedroom window open some so it gets cold. I will not wear warm clothing inside or outside. The issue is that cold weather even mildly cold makes my depression worse. I can tell this happened yesterday and this morning.
**ED Trigger Warning**
2nd topic, eating
1. I have chosen not to eat despite desire and opportunity. I have argued and made excuses and been stubborn when offered food. I always do end up eating, but I take some sick joy in arguing with my sponsor or with others about whether I really need to eat.
2. I joined a diet site and have been reading all sorts of articles. I have started finding all sorts of weight loss stuff on pinterest.. some of which are the type of thing that encourages me to hate my body more and feel guilty about whatever I do. There's also a couple eating disorder forums I read that are unhealthy.
3. I bought a new scale. My old one was buried under things in my kitchen and I had maybe used it twice in the past year. The new one sits at the entrance to my kitchen so I must step over it to go into the kitchen. It is in plain view from my desk. This was a terrible idea. I need to lose weight but I do not need to weigh myself 2-4 times everyday.
4. I avoid buying groceries until I am down to nothing in the apartment I am willing to eat.. I mean there may be food, but pretty much all that's left is tuna and canned soup.
5. I avoid going to eat with anyone from AA or eating with my sponsor.
6. I drink too much caffeine and not enough water.
7. I watch ED related movies and documentaries on youtube if I can't sleep.
8. I have not been honest with my therapist about anything except I don't feel like eating. I don't talk about anything else I am doing related to eating or occasionally purging.
I should add, none of the blogs I read are harmful to me, so it has nothing to do with anyone reading this. It's different sites.
** Self harm trigger**
2nd topic, self harm
1. I may not have the power to throw away every razor, knife, first aid supplies that I have, but I had the choice to stop buying more. In particular, I every couple weeks buy lighters (occasionally with the excuse of using them for candles) and then feel guilty and give them away. I keep one in my purse sometimes as a just in case
2. This wasn't obvious at first, I can certainly wear long sleeves and long pants around my apartment (I wear long pants in public anyway) because the more skin I can see, the more I can trigger myself and the easier it is to self harm.
3. The big one, I could actually be honest with someone when I am feeling unsafe (self harm/suicide whatever). My sponsor has offered to let me stay on her couch if I need to, and there are times I really should have asked. I also could have told my psychiatrist about this.
We used to talk about how there is a difference between being powerless and being helpless. I think this came up when talking about eating disorders because the idea is that we are powerless over having an eating disorder and over our thoughts, but that we have some power/choice when it comes to behaviors. I am powerless over having bulimia, but I could choose to go back the grocery store for binge food or I could not. Or with AA, I can call someone if I feel like drinking, or I could keep it to myself. This is not a clear boundary, so it was not a topic I really liked. But the idea is that helpless means you absolutely can't do anything about it. Powerless means you can't change who I am, but I can make choices about behaviors.
What I really thought about (and this has been on my mind for a couple days) is that I may be powerless over my addictions, but I certainly have the power to make things worse. I have the power to sabotage myself, and I am great at this.
I did not mention in the meeting what these behaviors are because really they're not related to drinking and so not really AA related. I did text my sponsor that maybe I should make a list because I haven't been honest with myself or anyone else.. so.. this is at least a partial list
**Trigger warning**
1st topic, sobriety and life in general
1. I have avoided for a month or two talking to my professor at school about the paper I'm writing. I had for a while avoided even attempting to work on it (that I made progress on)
2. I still spend time with unhealthy friends. I have one I see weekly who is supposedly in recovery from anorexia, but it is so obvious she is not at a healthy weight.. and she has unhealthy behaviors.
I also have L who still feels it's ok to smoke pot in front of me and still brings up her boyfriend who killed himself pretty frequently. Neither are as unhealthy as some I've had in the past, but I should probably be spending time with other people more
3. Not calling anyone in AA. This week.. I called my sponsor Monday and then not again until yesterday. I texted her maybe twice between then. I am supposed to talk to 3 alcoholics a day, and most days I only at best call my sponsor. I do at least talk to people before/after meetings.
4. Avoid meetings. Some is that the group has gotten very gossipy and dramatic (story for another day). I have the option to go to meetings elsewhere. I make a lot of excuses not to go.
5. This is not really intentional, but my apartment is filled with empty vodka bottles. Cleaning is really overwhelming, but I probably could clean up these. I also still have a shot glass.
6. Take poor care of myself. I have been taking my meds most of the time, but I haven't taken any vitamins. I have taken some meds randomly (all I have been prescribed at some point). I also refuse to do things so simple as use lotion even though my skin is flaky now. I stay up later than I should and don't always get enough sleep.
7. It got pretty cold (for Texas) yesterday.. in the 40s. I pretty much always refuse to turn on the heat in my apartment until it drops (inside) below 60F. I also will leave my bedroom window open some so it gets cold. I will not wear warm clothing inside or outside. The issue is that cold weather even mildly cold makes my depression worse. I can tell this happened yesterday and this morning.
**ED Trigger Warning**
2nd topic, eating
1. I have chosen not to eat despite desire and opportunity. I have argued and made excuses and been stubborn when offered food. I always do end up eating, but I take some sick joy in arguing with my sponsor or with others about whether I really need to eat.
2. I joined a diet site and have been reading all sorts of articles. I have started finding all sorts of weight loss stuff on pinterest.. some of which are the type of thing that encourages me to hate my body more and feel guilty about whatever I do. There's also a couple eating disorder forums I read that are unhealthy.
3. I bought a new scale. My old one was buried under things in my kitchen and I had maybe used it twice in the past year. The new one sits at the entrance to my kitchen so I must step over it to go into the kitchen. It is in plain view from my desk. This was a terrible idea. I need to lose weight but I do not need to weigh myself 2-4 times everyday.
4. I avoid buying groceries until I am down to nothing in the apartment I am willing to eat.. I mean there may be food, but pretty much all that's left is tuna and canned soup.
5. I avoid going to eat with anyone from AA or eating with my sponsor.
6. I drink too much caffeine and not enough water.
7. I watch ED related movies and documentaries on youtube if I can't sleep.
8. I have not been honest with my therapist about anything except I don't feel like eating. I don't talk about anything else I am doing related to eating or occasionally purging.
I should add, none of the blogs I read are harmful to me, so it has nothing to do with anyone reading this. It's different sites.
** Self harm trigger**
2nd topic, self harm
1. I may not have the power to throw away every razor, knife, first aid supplies that I have, but I had the choice to stop buying more. In particular, I every couple weeks buy lighters (occasionally with the excuse of using them for candles) and then feel guilty and give them away. I keep one in my purse sometimes as a just in case
2. This wasn't obvious at first, I can certainly wear long sleeves and long pants around my apartment (I wear long pants in public anyway) because the more skin I can see, the more I can trigger myself and the easier it is to self harm.
3. The big one, I could actually be honest with someone when I am feeling unsafe (self harm/suicide whatever). My sponsor has offered to let me stay on her couch if I need to, and there are times I really should have asked. I also could have told my psychiatrist about this.
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