Medication fun

So I mentioned I believe that I restarted my medication, which I had stopped for a month-ish.
It's not going too well. I'm on an antidepressant (Wellbutrin/Bupropion), a mood stabilizer (Lamictal/Lamotragine), Topamax/Topiramate (not sure its class), and an anti psychotic (Seroquel/Quetiapine) for sleep.. but I never stopped the seroquel because I don't sleep without it. I'm on a pretty high dose of everything and have been on them for a while.

So the past 2 days I have basically been having what remind me of alcohol withdrawal.. but obviously not that. Visible, uncontrollable shaking that didn't stop after eating and having water. I woke up yesterday because it felt like there were bugs on me. I turned on the light and looked and saw nothing. I felt my body and didn't find any. I did this several times before giving up on going back to sleep. The feeling didn't really go away when I was out of bed and could clearly see there were no bugs on me (and I still later checked the bed/sheets/ under the mattress even). I also swear I am seeing things. Not really things, just shadows. Like I was alone in a room at work and thought I saw a person in the corner of my vision. Nobody there. Otherwise, it's hard to explain.

Well, I looked the medications up last night. Apparently, you are supposed to start lamictal  very slowly. Side effects list fever, rash (also have had a red face and felt warm), and trembling is an uncommon one. Basically all of this.. and they recommend starting at 50mg. I started back at 300mg. Oops... So I dropped back to half my usual of wellbutrin also and will do the same for the lamictal tonight.
I did at least mention to a coworker I trust that I had started taking some medications again (didn't say what) because the shaking was obvious. This way if something bad happens at work, someone will know what's going on. At least I hope it's that, and I'm not just losing my mind..

Christmas

I hope everyone had a happy Christmas (or any holiday you celebrate) or at least a tolerable one.
Mine went fairly well. Christmas Eve I took  both cats to my parent's house. I baked cookies with my mom. We made 3 kinds of cookies total. Vegan gingerbread men (which were a standard recipe made with Earth Balance and egg replacer),  a vegan one that is chocolate with mint filling (these were the best), and then sugar cookies that had butter and eggs. I ended up helping with those because I didn't want my mom doing all the work, but I didn't eat any.
Christmas Eve we had pasta for supper and I went to church. There was a church potluck that I skipped. I don't like crowds, but I went for one service.
Christmas day my brother came and we exchanged gifts. I got 2 vegan cookbooks (1 from my brother and 1 from my parents), a food processor, a mini salad spinner, and a new phone (which we actually got Christmas Eve). From my aunt I got a pretty sweater and money that I think is going towards a new fitbit soon. I bought my brother a blanket, which is identical to one I bought black Friday and love. I got my mom pajamas and peridot earrings. My dad I bought nice steak knives... Which felt odd coming from a vegan, but then I use them on broccoli and such. Whatever. The cats got handmade toys.. basically we buy baby socks and fill them with catnip
We had lunch. They had ham. I had a veggie burger. Then there was hummus, pita chips, cranberry sauce, and rolls (which I couldn't have). We went to a movie and then a Thai restaurant for supper.

I'm back to taking my meds maybe. I told my sponsor (or rather mentioned in front of her) I had stopped. We discussed it, and she asked if not taking my meds normally is like drinking normally.. meaning basically is it impossible for me? She may be right because eventually the result in the past has always been bad. It doesn't always happen immediately (same way the relapses might go), but I always end up in a bad place. I mean lately I have been sleeping until 1-2pm, which is probably a symptom of depression. I also know that if I want to try to talk to my doctor about coming off medication, I probably shouldn't have already done it when I see him.. so yeah. I took all of them tonight after I finished binging and purging for the day (also probably a sign I am not mentally healthy)

Work news and random rants

So I had intended to just rant a bit about Christmas and some family stuff, but then in the time it took for me to actually sit down and write this (more than a day) some important things have gone on at work, so I suppose I should add that in before I forget. I apologize if it doesn't all make sense because I'm really very tired. I also apologize in advance because some of the rants are vegan related stuff you may not care about, but I don't have anywhere else to rant about it. I promise it's not anything terrible.

The work stuff.. so work has been crazy busy the past week or maybe two.. I have no sense of time lately. I don't know if it's new clients/doctors or if it's the time of year (everyone is going to rehab and getting drug tested maybe?). Friday I get to work and after a little bit the boss says we're having a meeting.. which was awkward because the conference room was taken, so we just had it over in the corner. Anyway, they're planning on restructuring the department in the new year as part of the plan for when we relocate to the new building. The new building is going to be set up with group cubicles.. and because of this they want to set up each of these little groups of analysts as a team with someone leading it.. and so they need leaders. That means they're creating a new position called senior analyst or senior toxicologist (or senior toxicology analyst.. not really sure.. it all depends on education.. but also depends on the day and who you ask what we are titled). They picked 3 from each shift, and I'm included! I'm happy because honestly I have been put in charge of answering questions and making decisions and various things many times both because of seniority and because of knowledge I guess.. and people like me more than the supervisor, but anyway I am not officially anything other than an analyst. Except starting in January, I will be. Not sure what this involves or if there's any sort of pay increase involved.. but I'll settle for the title.. This week they're starting yearly evaluations, so maybe I'll find out more then.. still nervous about that.

I also got an award (they do these little random awards) and Target gift card for doing extra work. I felt like a bitch because I had been jealous that people got gift cards at the thanksgiving dinner thing that I didn't go to.. turns out I would have gotten this then, but I didn't go (I too a vacation day). Yeah... oh well..

Ok so the little rant.. my parents are coming to terms with having a vegan daughter. Like they're being understanding.. and I'm trying to be understanding.. which is hard at times because i'm stressed about food. Like I want them to get that if we go out to eat, they can order an appetizer and I don't have to have one.. since frequently I can't. I didn't realize how clueless they were though.. but then I'm still pretty clueless I guess. Like my dad's birthday was today but we celebrated yesterday. We were going out to dinner, but the issue of cake came up.. I said we could make something.. but I don't think anyone wanted to bake. I said we could have ice cream. My mom exclaimed rather emphatically "You can't have ice cream. You can't have dairy".. I calmly explained that they make non-dairy ice cream with soy and almond and cashew milks. She said she didn't want to eat almond milk ice cream (she hates almonds). I said I didn't say she had to.. she could have whatever. I am currently sticking to the idea/philosophy/whatever you want to call it that they can eat what they want, and I am not going to force my ideas on them.. now.. if we have a repeat of my mom's birthday dinner (back in October) where she asks at the dinner table if it's ok to eat veal because she is trying to convince herself it is ok to order it... I am not likely to be polite again (I told them to please change the topic) because seriously WHAT THE FUCK.

Interestingly, my mom said to me at dinner that she has tried things she wouldn't otherwise because of this. Like she really liked my tofu dish.. and she and my brother discussed making it at home. So they are becoming open to the idea of vegetarian food at least.. and she tried a bite of the soy ice cream I had (they ate cake).

My brother.. so complete 180 from the veal discussion I guess. We had dinner another time and they brought up some restaurant and some dish they served. My mom went to describe it and my brother stopped her. I don't remember what he said but it amounted to that I didn't want to hear about lamb dishes (and one of the two of them commented that I was bothered by the concept of lamb even as a child). My mom asked if it bothered me for her to describe it.. I said that it didn't interest me to hear about meat dishes.. because basically (didn't say this part) I do not consider meat to be food.. or I am trying to foster the mindset that flesh and the food made from it is not food. Anyway.. later my mom said that when they were alone my brother got upset at her being insensitive and talking about meat to me like that. I am surprised. I was honestly expecting him to be one to challenge me about this.. but maybe not.

I am still working through my own moral dilemmas..
One is a simpler one to solve but it was not one I realized immediately and that is buying food for other people.. I like to feed people. I bring snacks to work every week. I used to buy chips, and every assortment of chips I bought contained either Doritos or Cheetos or both. I stopped eating them when I stopped eating dairy. Last week I bought a particular mix that contained no variety of chip that I could eat.. basically doritos, cheetos, sour cream and onion chips, and lays barbeque (which I have read contain chicken fat). Then over the course of the day I realized that even if I am not eating the chips... I still spent money on them. My money went exclusively to products that contain dairy or meat.. and in doing so I am potentially (if you believe an individual has power) influencing the company to continue making these products and continue purchasing dairy.
So there's a problem.. I have also realized it buying gifts.. so when I bought stuff for a gift exchange at work, I bought mainly non-food and one bar of certified vegan chocolate. Then buying snacks today, I bought pretzels and animal crackers which are dairy free.. so my money isn't going toward products I would not be willing to consume. It just took time to realize this was a problem

The more complicated problem.. well this is not 100% related.. but I cannot remember the last time I took my Wellbutrin.. or now my Lamictal. It is somewhat related because part of a vegan lifestyle is attempting to do nothing that promotes animal suffering, and all medications are tested on animals and therefore promote suffering. I also don't know what they contain in terms of inactive ingredients.. do they contain gelatin? a lot of pills do. I watched a video that talked about taking pills when medically necessary and I wondered if mental illness really counts.. or if I can actually stop these.. I mean clearly I can because I have. I am still taking my seroquel and I am taking my synthroid which is medical not mental, but I have been probably a month at least without the wellbutrin and a few weeks without the mood stabilizer. i am thinking of calling my psychiatrist and trying to find out about weaning myself off the serqoquel for sleep. Then maybe I can be on only the medically necessary medications... because I do feel like a hypocrite taking this many meds and ever using the word vegan. It's why I don't really use it in real life. I just say I don't eat dairy or eggs or meat because I cannot truly say I am vegan. I take medication that is tested on animals and contains unknown ingredients (yes, I could find them out, but that might make me feel worse)..

So yeah.. more dilemmas are fun..
And I am mostly functioning just fine.. Other than sleeping until 1pm and not going anywhere besides work. 

Vegan?

So I haven't written lately.. not a lot going on. I've been working and sleeping. That's about it. I've gotten onto a terrible schedule really.. I'm working much less and so getting home by around midnight.. maybe a bit later if I go to Walmart or the grocery store after (this occurs frequently), but I'm not going to bed until around 3. Then I'm falling asleep around 6 am.. and sleeping until nearly 2pm. A couple times I've woken up, rolled out of bed and barely made it to work at 3pm. It's pretty fucked up.
This is somewhat caffeine related I'm sure, but I'm down to 2-3 diet pills a day.. plus an energy drink, one cup of coffee, and a coke zero. Yes, this is a lot, but it's less. So what am I doing between 1 and 6am? Blame the internet.

And the latest obsession.. So I mentioned at least once a while back that I stopped eating meat. This has continued except a couple binge days where I ate chicken and hated myself terribly.. but bulimia is bitch.. Otherwise, I have continued to not eat meat. I tried at one point to give up dairy and failed after a couple days.. and largely because I wanted to binge and purge and binging is less fun when I can't have all the foods I want.

Well I never stopped feeling bad about this.. both because the eating disorder loves an excuse to make me feel guilty, and I've gained some weight lately from binging and not purging effectively every time.. and I blame cheese since that's a lot of calories. I also have a lot of ethical objections to dairy. Well, I mainly have a huge number of ethical objections to factory farming.. and the treatment of the animals.. and that doesn't just include those that are killed for meat right away.

It's only been a couple days again without dairy and eggs.. I've also been trying to switch a lot of my purchases to cruelty free products (soap/shampoo/face lotions/laundry stuff).. I honestly have yet to call myself vegan really. I say I am not eating meat or not eating dairy. I might go so far as to mention a vegan diet. The problem is that I am not sure I can 100% commit to a vegan lifestyle because I take prescription medications. I do not know if they contain animal products like gelatin.. I am honestly choosing not to try to find out. I also know that they were/are tested on animals.. and I do object to the testing of cosmetics on animals because at least the majority of it is not necessary.. at least not these days when there are alternatives. Medical testing is a bit less black and white to me.. I'm a scientist at heart, and I don't know.. but I do know that right now giving up my prescriptions would be a terrible choice. I take thyroid medication that I need.. and I take psych meds that I have proven time and again that I cannot function without.

But some of the sleepless nights are related to all this.. looking up articles and recipes. Watching videos or I stayed up watching a whole documentary the other night.. and then spent a while hugging my cats because it was really fucking depressing (Earthlings).

My coworkers and at least one friend know and are pretty supportive. My coworkers I think find my food choices funny.. mainly the variety of candy I eat.. did you know Sour Patch Kids are vegetarian/vegan? And Trolly Sour Watermelon Sharks? But not the sour octopus.. or the worms.. and Haribo sour spaghetti is but not the gummy bears :( :( which makes me very sad. They have gelatin. But yeah.. I eat a lot of candy still.

My parents seem less thrilled. My mom talks about when they were vegetarian.. and how they still ate pepperoni on pizza because "that's a vegetable" (joking) or they still ate fish or chicken. And I want to scream that THEN YOU WEREN'T VEGETARIAN.. but whatever. I mean I am not judging how they eat/ate, but I am slightly offended by what she says to me. Then today she asked if I was still eating cheese and milk, and I said I'm trying not to. She said something along the lines of but generally people think that milking doesn't hurt the cow. And all I could think to say was "It depends on how you think about it." Because I was not going to go into any of the truths of it or try to convert her or make it worse.. but I was also not going to just let her act like I was wrong. Who knows who is wrong? But yeah.. thankfully for Thanksgiving we're going to a restaurant. Honestly, part of why we're going is because they don't want to cook for me.. My mom pretty much said that if you took away the turkey and the stuffing that has sausage in it, all that's left is the rolls and mashed potatoes.. and again in that discussion I had wanted to just suggest that it was an option to make some additional dishes that their daughter could eat. I wasn't going to ask them not to eat turkey, but they could try to make some food I could have.. but yeah.. we're going out.. We're still maybe baking pies, but I went ahead and bought vegan crusts to bring to their house and told her I did that so it's an option. Because then she doesn't have to look or make any sacrifice.. and I've found a recipe

The other moral dilemma.. and people may argue with me on this.. is that I own cats. Not that I own the cats. I believe that living in my apartment is better for them than the alternative which for one was the shelter and the other the SPCA.. so at least for these cats, this was a better option. However, I am not willing to make them vegans.. that just seems really fucked up to me.. cats are carnivores. I don't buy into the argument about people having canine teeth because they're evolved to eat meat.. I mean.. yes they're capable of eating meat.. but it is not evolutionary proof they should. We have options. Cats are evolved to eat meat.. they're evolved to live on a diet that is mainly protein.. they don't digest sugar well. It's why feeding them sweets is bad for them.. So yeah.. I thought about this and went on this quest to find a food that contains only fish and plant protein sources.. not other animals. I don't know why this seems better.. I mean honestly I don't see fish as able to have the same level of higher order thought as mammals can.. or the same intelligence. So I managed to find one of the few foods that doesn't have poultry or pork by-products. Then when I got the kitten I've had to go on a quest to find another one suitable for her (the other was only designed for adult cats) and then also canned food. I seriously almost started crying at the pet store today trying to by canned food. I finally managed to find that Canidae makes canned food as well as the dry that I used to feed Odd.. and then they eat Natural Balance Salmon and Green Pea dry food for all life stages.. both are weird limited ingredient, grain free diet foods.. and expensive.. but whatever. That also means they're more nutritious than a lot of foods (as far as protein percentage and fat and such..) I swear I spent more time lately reading the nutrition labels on their foods than on mine.

So yeah... insanity.. but the vegan insanity has not stopped the bulimic insanity. Last night's binge was 2 mini loaves of french bread (the only kind without dairy or l-cysteine) with marinara sauce or vegan butter spread, almost a whole box of gluten free vegan cookies, cereal with almond milk, and a pint of coconut milk ice cream.. and fritos. Tonight is a mini frozen pizza with soy cheese, french fries, pita chips and hummus, some mini lemon tart, and a pint of cashew milk ice cream.. and I bought more food but I'm tired and may not get to the rest.
On a more cheerful note though.. kitten pictures..

 Her first visit to my parent's house a couple weeks ago

She's been sleeping using her brother as a pillow.. he seems ok with it

Work drama and kitten photos

So I haven't written much lately to complain about work.. there have been changes made that have drastically reduced my workload (specifically mine..). I am actually getting to leave by midnight most nights. This had nothing to do with my supervisor and his concern (supposedly he was concerned) about my hours. This was a change made by the big bosses to some of our policies.

There have been a lot of changes going on in the company. I think because we are growing and negotiating deals with new doctors and hospitals and expecting more samples soon. Because of that and who knows what else, they are wanting to track performance in every department. This is both speed/amount of work but also errors.

It's mildly frightening. Partly because I sit by the boss's desk and hear all sorts of conversations I probably shouldn't.. and a couple weeks ago another analyst got fired. I don't really know the circumstances of that, and I have not tried to find out.

Part of why it's frightening is because my supervisor has been in charge of designing the method of tracking our work, which is some very involved excel file. He talks about it ALL THE TIME. He did before he made it. He did while making it. He has since it is mostly done. This ranges from just talking about the technical aspects to discussing how he wants to design it to be fair or to make everyone look good.. because he doesn't want anyone to get fired. When he talks about those things, it is nice to know he doesn't want anyone to get fired. It is not nice that he likes to imply frequently that there's a risk of that. He's gone so far as to talk out loud about who he's concerned about and how to make people look better.. and how we need to give certain people more work to improve their numbers. Again ALL THE TIME... either about people or explaining it to people.

I told him to stop at least once because I don't want to constantly be thinking about how we're being graded. I said this because I know it wasn't just bothering me. Someone has told him to stop talking about other people out loud when they're in the same damn room as him.. like they don't need to hear about how poorly they're doing while they work. Even if it's jokingly or sarcastic, you know he isn't entirely joking.

Thankfully he was out of town yesterday and today, so I heard less of it.. but then he stressed out the person who was in charge in his absence so much that she was worrying about who needed to improve their numbers. It's sick.

And I really don't think there's a threat to anyone's job right now. Samples are getting closed in a reasonable amount of time. Sometimes there just isn't enough work.. but people are working. Nobody is really being threatened right now I think, so he is just making this all seem so much worse than it is.

But in happier news.. my family is getting along pretty well now. The kitten and Odd sleep on the bed. They've chased each other around a bit, and I've broken it up a couple times because while I can tell they're playing, I don't think he realizes he's five times her size.. or maybe I'm just paranoid. Chasing is fine, but if he pins her down then I make them stop.

This is just her being cute.. 

 I have no idea what is up with my phone's camer and the terrible color of all the photos.. Sorry. But anyway.. bedtime.

And then after a chase. You can see the size difference.. he's a pretty big cat. Sometimes I carry her around just so that I won't step on her accidentally or kick her.. it's just easier that way. Plus, she will sometimes decide to climb my pants if I don't pick her up when she wants me to. She has sharp little claws. .

New addition

So I've been thinking for a while of getting another cat.. since Mudge passed, it felt weird having just one. It also seemed like Odd (other cat) was bored.. he followed me around meowing non-stop when I get home from work. I am not sure why.. he always was talkative, but I think he gets bored home alone all day.
I was putting off looking for a new cat because my apartment is a bit of a mess.. well was.. I've made progress on that. It's a mix of bulimia related mess (food packages everywhere).. and then too much stuff. I have a million (well not quite) clothes that are too big.. I kept buying food I never eat (lots of beans).. and then other stuff like gifts and random purchases piled up. A lot of that happened during my drinking.. the stuff/mess part.. and I just couldn't deal with it when I first got sober. For a month or two of sobriety, there were empty vodka bottles all over my apartment because I was scared to touch them. I did manage to clean that up early on. The rest has been a work in progress.

I finally decided that the apartment was good enough, and honestly I've just been crazy lately.. not wanting to get out of bed, binging purging daily, and just generally not functioning.. and I decided maybe a new pet would help. Not sure if that logic makes sense, but I decided it did.

So meet Nermal.. that's her new name. He pre-adoption name was Elvira, and that just wasn't a good name.. so I had picked out Nermal.. even though I think Nermal (think Garfield comics) was a boy, but that's not important.

She's 11 weeks old.. though I swear she seems younger. She is much smaller than she looks in the 2nd picture.. Getting her to stand/sit still for a photo just wasn't working out. I adopted her from the SPCA. A friend from AA went with me, which was nice because for some reason I was super nervous about this. I've had really bad social anxiety lately, so at the pet store (they have cats there for adoption from different groups) my friend helped with finding someone to help us and getting everything filled out. I just picked a kitten.. and honestly I wanted a girl, and she was the only girl kitten.. so that was easy. I picked her up and she started purring, and even though I kinda wanted someone a little older.. I just couldn't not take her home.
She made herself right at home.. exploring the bedroom.. periodically coming over to meow at me. She slept on the bed for a little while when I was laying there. She's pretty fearless. Odd is uncertain about her. He hissed a couple times and then sat around watching her. He followed her a bit.. there's been some chasing but no more hissing. They both slept on the bed for a bit. Now I'm typing and she's climbing all over me and the desk chair. I am guessing by the purring that she's happy here. It's nice because I remember when I got Mudge, she hid under the bed the whole first day. I was convinced somehow that I did a terrible thing bringing her home.. I mean obviously not, and Mudge had a very happy life. This kitten not so worried about. I just hope her brother likes her.. they seem to be getting along alright. I'm sure they'll be good. 

Off the deep end

So I have very much been feeling lately like I am going crazy.. this has been going on for a couple weeks, but I honestly cannot remember how much of this I've mentioned.. so I may be repeating things.

It's very strange actually that the thought is frequently in my mind that I'm going crazy or I'm going mad or substitute whatever word or phrase my brain uses to describe it that day.. or what I say.. I've been thinking out loud more. Like I talk to myself a bit.. "We're going to do ______" or "Let's do this" except saying this out loud these days and not in my head. Or the other bit is that sometimes in my head I have to repeat myself. Like think the same phrase/thought twice. Never was quite sure that one made sense to anyone if I try to explain it. It's an obsessive thing. I was never diagnosed as OCD, but have been told I have OCD traits.. and honestly my current therapist is really obsessed with the idea of me having it. Like she's convinced all sorts of my behaviors/problems are to cover up OCD. Honestly, my explanation is very different.
In my opinion (or experience I guess) the compulsive behaviors and thinking were all learned as coping mechanisms during the couple years in college when I was on no medications. I had manipulated my psychiatrist into thinking I was all better after I got out of high school, and I was a lot better.. and then it all got worse. And I got very depressed. I started cutting and then started purging.. and then all the other crazy happened. I remember that I would count steps walking on campus or sometimes on the tile floor at work.. like it had to be a certain number of steps per square of sidewalk. I couldn't step on cracks.. I had a habit of tapping my fingers on things or just stuff like that. I was always a bit weird about numbers, and that was mixed up with the eating disorder as well.. but I also have never liked odd numbers. For a long time I've had to set the volume on my car stereo to an even number even if it seems too quiet or too loud.
Anyway, my opinion is it all started then to cope with the depression.. but whatever. Mainly my therapist's idea of the ED and everything coming from the OCD is pretty useless since she has no solution for that as the cause.

Those behaviors are back.. mainly the finger tapping.. or banging my wrist on the cart while grocery shopping while trying to make a decision that has me unhappy (like the endless battle about buying cheese.. or fruit). And then the repeating thoughts.

The other crazy is mainly eating disorder related. It mainly has to do with how obsessed my mind is over food. It's how aware I am of what food I've brought to work and what I've eaten. It's buying foods that I then won't eat.. like I have 3 expired yogurts in my fridge now because for a week I was really into greek yogurt, and then I stopped eating it. I cannot convince myself to eat it. I bought sliced apples.. and they're sitting in the fridge.. though largely that has to do with how little I've eaten the last few days I've worked.

Then there was Friday.. I woke up and went to school around noon.. got there at like 11:30ish. I brought an energy drink with me (zero calorie of course). I had thought I was going out to lunch with a friend because she cancelled a couple weeks ago, and last friday I did.. but she didn't show up at school. I had packed animal crackers and some other snack food.. my lunch box tends to end up with a variety of things because I never know what I'll eat, but I decided to go to the grocery store before work. Then I became obsessed with buying something else. I was going to buy fruit.. I stood there on my phone calculating calories in the containers of cut pineapple (which are thankfully sold by weight and therefore easy to calculate). I picked one out and entered the calories into fitbit. I then decided to pick a smaller one, but I left the calories as is.. whatever. I then went in search of something else to eat. I ended up with an individual serving package of cereal (store brand Cheerios basically). Together it would have been around 230 calories. This left some room I said for another snack. I also bought a 2nd energy drink and a diet soda.

I got to work.. and I drank the energy drink. I made a cup of coffee and had that. I had the coke zero. I couldn't convince myself to open my lunchbox and eat the cereal. I left the pineapple untouched in the refrigerator. Somewhere after a lot of this caffeine had kicked in, I went a bit crazy. I tried offering the fruit to coworkers so it wouldn't just sit in the fridge. I made the point of saying I brought it for dinner but didn't want to eat. At some point I was carrying energy drink 2 and called that dinner in front of someone. He had commented that it was 10 calories. I corrected him that it was 20 because it's 2 servings (this was a Monster Rehab which has juice in it). Anyway, I am usually not this obvious about not eating. But it's like I wanted someone to realize I wasn't eating because part of me desperately wanted to eat.. and knew I should eat since I was getting dizzy by later in the evening. I just couldn't do it. I worked for almost 11 hours. I got home around 2 and ate something eventually around 4am because at that point I was hungry and dizzy and couldn't sleep.

Saturday.. I ate another meal around noon of cheetos and tortilla chips with cheese. Then I binged and purged in the evening.. a pizza, breadsticks, cinnamon sticks, a pint of ice cream, fritos with cheese, and I think that's all I ate out of what I bought. I bought more food but didn't eat all of it.
Today I had fritos and cheese this morning.. after having told myself for the past couple days that I am going to try to stop eating dairy, but the argument this morning was that I had already bought the cheese.. so why not. Anyway, that's all I've had. I took all the food out of my lunchbox other than some crackers for if I thought I was going to get sick/pass out. I had an energy drink and a cup of coffee. Now I'm having a powerade zero in an attempt to be healthier.
The goal is not to eat tomorrow. I also need to remember to throw away the pineapple at work because it's probably not good now.
I went grocery shopping and bought 2 Vitamin Water Zeros, 2 Powerade zeros, 2 diet Monster energy drinks (because they're supposedly vegan..) the white one and orange ones. I also bought some random breadstick things because I spent a fair amount of time reading ingredients on things to decide what I could eat if I stop eating dairy.. but out of all I picked up and read, I only bought those because even if I ate the whole box it would be less than 400 calories. I like to figure out what would happen if I ate ALL of something. I also bought Sour Patch Watermelons and Trolli Watermelon Sharks (my current candy obsession that is vegetarian-friendly). I am not planning to take them to work tomorrow.

So I don't know.. it's not really madness I guess... just the eating disorder. Though I have also had some paranoid moments of thinking there's something in my apartment tonight.. like I'll hear any sort of noise or like a bag or paper will fall down and I think it's something.. like a rodent or a giant bug (I guess it would have to be giant to be making these sounds). I have moved things a couple times to see if there was something under or behind them. Nothing.. so that's weird. This sort of paranoia was normal when I was drinking but is odd in sobriety.

I haven't decided on the dairy thing.. like I was telling myself shopping today that I could probably be vegan except when binging/purging... then just vegetarian. And I see the flaw in that thinking.. like how is it less unethical to eat dairy when I'm binging? Except that I won't care as much then.. and will just feel guilty after. Other times, this eliminates several of my usual snack foods.. mainly the Flamin Hot cheetos or regular cheetos that make up about 50% of my intake.. then another large percentage was Parmesan Garlic pita chips.. which will have to become regular pita chips.. and those aren't as good. Also, this would mean no "Pizza Day" on Tuesday which is a new work thing they're trying to start.. I didn't have any last week because the last 2 times I ate pizza at work I tried purging at work and once it didn't work and the other I stopped after only a bit because I was paranoid someone would hear. And so no pizza.. but this is a more socially acceptable reason not to eat it than bulimia is. Same with skipping most catered food or any time they get takeout. They went for tacos today, and I was thinking that the restaurant they were going to probably cooks everything with lard (and I don't think this is paranoia.. it seems like that sort of place that would make there tortillas that way). So I didn't get anything. I had 2 cups of coffee instead.

My supervisor is driving me crazy.. he keeps talking about how he has anxiety and OCD.. and first he said he was going to see a psychiatrist. Now he says he's just going to see a therapist because he doesn't need medication. Then today his mom was guilting him about seeing a psychiatrist. And I am just nodding when he says things.. I am not going to engage in the paranoid, world is ending, anxiety conversations about work. I will just nod and listen. On the other topic.. I don't know what to say. I am NOT going to say in front of anyone else there that I see a psychiatrist and therapist. It also in my head is a bit of a Who's Crazier? contest.. ya know? Like I think he needs therapy or something other than talking to us at work, but I am having a hard time believing this is the huge deal he makes it into. He likes to think and think about the things that make him anxious until he's more anxious. And in my head I want to tell him when he goes on about getting help that he has NO idea how crazy I am. But then I am still holding a bit of a grudge because I said something about losing a lot of weight in a conversation a week or two ago, and he said that I've been the same size since he met me. Which isn't just kinda rude.. but it's also wrong. I've lost over 30 pounds since I got this job. I've gone from my size XL scrubs to a medium and probably should be buying smalls in some brands. I've gone from I think a size 16 to a 10. Actually I just looked this up and since March 22nd when I bought my FitBit scale I've lose 41 pounds.. and I got the job in February, so it is probably more than that since I met him.

So there is probably a slight chance that some of the eating disorder crazy over the past week is to prove a point. If he doesn't think I've lost any weight, then I WILL lose weight. I will make them notice. And if he wants to believe that the job makes him anxious and that I am just fine.. whatever. I'm sure one way or another the crazy will show. Either I'll lose the weight so they notice. Or maybe I'll pass out at work, and that would be fine too (except probably not...). And honestly the past couple days I just don't want to eat. I tried to buy binge food several times last week but had no desire to buy food. I've learned the past few times I went shopping (other than the pineapple which I really thought I'd eat) to not buy perishable foods. I have bought cereal and chips and crackers. Because at least they will just sit around my apartment but not go bad. I am not going to try the yogurt thing again. Or probably fruit. I'll stick to prunes (except honestly those are not something I enjoy I have them because I refuse to take laxatives) and maybe some fruit cups I bought. Except probably not those.. who am I kidding with those..

Ok, I'm rambling. I should be quiet. That's enough crazy for tonight. Thank you if you read it.

Work continues: Ask for help or crash and burn?

So things at work have remained dramatic and insane in various ways...
My supervisor is in trouble for being a jerk to people.. and complaining about working late (when he works no later than anyone else and leaves before me every night)... I don't know. I am less bothered by this than others. He is trying to be nicer now and more attentive, and honestly it's bothering me more.. but he's finally starting to give a shit about how much I'm working..

For me.. I don't know. It's gotten into an insanity where I am never leaving work before 1am, so at least 10 hour shifts 5 days a week. A few days I left by midnight and then several days I left after 2am, so it evens out to more than 50 hours a week still. I'm drinking 2-3 cups of coffee, an energy drink, and a soda at work.. plus 2-3 Lipo 6. I get borderline insane after midnight when everyone goes home.. I start forgetting what I was doing when I go downstairs because I'm only really half awake. I stare at the clipboard of reruns trying to decide how much to do before going home. I stare at the piles of work on my desk. I stare at things on my screen because I have nobody to ask things. I have the entire room all to myself. I get a little paranoid down in the lab too because the lab supervisor is constantly telling me I work too much, so I'm hoping I don't run into her. I hope that nobody has the clipboards I need or is at the machines I need. I hope I can just get back upstairs without talking to anyone.. at the same times I kinda hoped the lab supervisor would say something to someone other than my supervisor about how much I'm working since clearly he hasn't done anything about it. But anyway.. yeah.. insanity.

And I can't keep doing it. I know that. I'm burning out. I can tell because there's days I didn't want to eat.. and I always eat at work. Well.. one day I felt nauseous all day. A coworker offered to buy pizza and I actually said out loud "I think pizza would make me cry"... which thankfully nobody acknowledged because I am well aware that's not a normal statement if you don't have an eating disorder. We ordered chinese food. I got some tofu thing, and a coworker kept giving me grief for how little I was eating and not eating the rice and everything.. it was frustrating as hell. I wanted to smack her because I was really trying and I felt ill. I even ate some rice later because I kept getting dizzy. I did stop binging and purging for a few days because of that though.. I had no appetite.  That was a little nice. That weird dizziness thing that's been going on wasn't.. I think it's dehydration.

I am just not handling things well.. the depression is getting worse. I have cut a few times. I've had OCD behaviors popping up.. banging my wrists on things.. tapping my fingers.. others that are hard to explain when I'm not doing them. Definitely feel like I'm going nuts. Also binging and purging.. I even purged at work because we ordered pizza Wednesday.

Well anyway, i guess they're finally going to deal with it. The other day I had this awkward conversation with my supervisor.. mainly about people complaining about him. But he said something about me working too much. He said the solution was to stop working so much and let the work build up so they'd have to come up with a solution. I said I was not ok with that. I said the last time we got so behind I worked until 3 AM for days to catch up. So I said there has to be another way

So I guess we're going to talk with the daytime supervisor Tuesday... he may have spoken to her some. I commented that I didn't think she was aware of how late I was staying.. well nobody was. Honestly.. I am scared of all this. I am scared that really she think I should be able to get more work in during 8 hours rather than always working 10. Or I'm scared I will have someone helping me and hate it. Or I won't know what to do with myself if I leave at midnight.. and really the answer is probably going to be binge and purge these days. I would almost rather keep working this way until I absolutely can't. Except at the same time, I'm researching my insurance benefits for treatment since clearly the bulimia is out of control.. and honestly the depression is a bit bad too..
So I don't know what will happen. I kind of hope my supervisor will be his usual self and forget that he ever offered to help me. And I can keep working myself to death.

Food- the good and bad (TW)

So life is pretty much the same. It revolves around work, sleep, and food.. I am avoiding most social situations outside of work. I am still staying up until 3-4am no matter what time I get home, and I am therefore sleeping until noon at least. Work is drama filled lately.. my boss is being an ass. Yesterday he was an ass to someone who works in the lab (who did NOT deserve it) after generally being an ass all day. I had just been working on not engaging whenever he started on some rant (this was all via instant messenger from across the room to me) or complained about someone or got all doom and gloom (he actually said we were "headed into the dark" at some point) because I didn't want to piss him off but was refusing to get sucked in. Well, he went off on her, and then she called our boss (like the one who sits behind me who is head of toxicology) about it. Then she called him.. and I don't know how that went. I heard him on the phone almost in tears about how he doesn't want to seem evil.. and I went downstairs for coffee. He later came and said stuff to us about how he gets stressed and that creates a bad environment and we need to tell him when he's doing that.. like that's going to go well. I did tell him after that that he needs to not criticize people out loud while he's working on things.. whether they're in the room or not. Complaining and criticizing them like that is not ok. And he took that ok.. but I doubt it would have worked earlier in the evening. 


As far as food.. there is good and bad. 

The bad is I'm binging and purging almost everyday now... not quite that much, but it's been a lot. 
My therapist also says I'm restricting, but I argue I am eating plenty of calories.. but I also didn't really mention the frequency of binging and purging and I assume I'm getting some calories there 

The good (?) I am still not eating meat.. it's going ok. I mean I haven't had meat in a few weeks. I have knowingly (and probably unknowingly) had some foods that weren't vegetarian.. like I have these fiber gummies that contain gelatin I bought a week or two before I decided to stop eating meat. When I ran out of the other fiber supplement I had (which was vegetarian but I hadn't liked so wasn't taking), I decided to go ahead and take the other since I already owned it.. the damage is done when it's bought, right? Wasting it doesn't help animals. Then there's this whole cheese issue.. vegetarians can eat cheese, but some cheese is not vegetarian because of how it's made. I read this at some point and have been maybe a little obsessed with this fact. Most cheese doesn't say which it is.. and some I know isn't vegetarian and have eaten anyway (damn pita chips). I bought a bunch of vegetarian friendly cheese for binging while at Whole Foods and then found another brand I can buy for a reasonable price (compared to the Whole Foods brand) at the regular grocery store.  And then yeah.. unknown, but I am not eating meat or anything with meat in it.. and generally avoiding certain animal ingredients. Still eating dairy and eggs although I tried to explain the cheese thing to my therapist and she said "So you want to be vegan?" and I am like no that's not what I'm saying. And re-explained that dairy is fine, but it's the other ingredient that's the problem I'm avoiding and it's only certain brands. And she's like "But you want to be vegan?" and I'm like NO I WANT TO EAT FUCKING CHEESE ALL THE TIME but am just concerned about the source. Yeah.. whatever






The good.. I am debating the idea of food challenges for myself inspired by those being tackled by another dear blogger. This was going to be self chosen at first because my challenges are probably strange.. I mean I eat all sorts of food.. chips, candy, cookies.. that stuff. The challenge was originally going to be fruit. I haven't figured out how to manage this. I was all set to buy sliced apples at Target on Friday, but they all looked brown/not fresh. I could have bought an actual apple but wouldn't have a way to slice it at work, and eating it whole was not something I was willing to try. So I postponed that. I failed at buying apples again tonight. 



BUT I did succeed in something else. I cooked. And it wasn't just frozen food.. and it vaguely followed an actual recipe. I have been wanting buffalo wings, and I couldn't have chicken.. and while I bought some vegetarian/fake ones for binge purposes.. I decided that surely I could make some sort of buffalo thing with chickpeas. So I bought them and the hot sauce and salad to go with it.. with the goal of some sort of buffalo chickpea salad. I then got home and found a recipe for buffalo-roasted chickpeas. And I made them. I used a can opener and a mixing bowl (not a paper disposable bowl) and measuring spoons (although I didn't exactly follow the measurements in the recipe for the spices). The salad will be tomorrow, but I made the chickpea part tonight and they are pretty tasty.. Weird and definitely not chicken, but I was craving hot sauce and this will do. 

So cooking was that challenge.. next I will eventually try to manage fresh fruit. But I could manage only one challenging task tonight and hot sauce craving won out. 

If anyone is interested, this is the recipe I used 
http://www.cleaneatingveggiegirl.com/2014/11/09/roasted-buffalo-chickpeas-buffalo-chickpea-salad/

Eating disorder vs logic

I originally intended to write a post titled eating disorder logic, but I changed the title since the point was to talk about the contradiction in that phrase.. eating disorder logic. One thing I can say is true now vs 8 years ago when I was in treatment for the first time is that I see a lot more of the illogical thinking than I did then. I am not going to claim I see all of it.

So I'll get to what brought this topic up in a minute. There's a lot of illogical thinking when it comes to food choices. I mentioned last time that the majority of what I eat is "junk food." Part of this has to do with how hard it is for me to buy other foods.. Some examples..
Yogurt: I cannot convinced myself to buy yogurt with more than 110-120 calories and it has to be nonfat. It also needs to not have a lot of sugar, but I am not sure what the limit on sugar is. I just pick them up and stare at them generally and put them back. If it's 100 calories or less, I can generally buy it. A lot of times though yogurt just sits in my fridge until it expires though because I'm still embarrassed to eat it.
Granola bars have to be less than 120 calories, but have at least 3g of fiber and 2 of protein.. if they're more calories they have to have more fiber and protein. They also can't have more than 2-3g of fat.

Fruit.. I have yet to get over my fear of fruit. I don't know why. This dates back to when my eating disorder started. I didn't own a food scale then, and it freaked me out not to be able to calculate the calories in fruit since it comes in all sizes and shapes. I stopped eating it until I went into treatment. Then I only ate it when I had to, and I have gone through phases since where I stop eating it again. It also kinda applies to some vegetables, but those mostly have other problems. But I bought sliced apples a week or so ago, and I haven't touched them.. oops.

Ok then there's the problem that I am embarrassed to be seen eating "meals" because in my mind I am too fat to eat meals. This mainly applies to anything that has to be eaten with a fork or spoon.. so no soups, rice, beans, basically anything cooked.. no frozen meals or anything where I have to be seen using the microwave (I did finally break that rule yesterday). At home I can eat them, but I can't do it at work. The only thing I can eat that requires a fork is salads, and that is still a challenge.

The illogical part in this is that I am more scared to buy yogurt or fruit than to buy pita chips and cheetos. I can be seen eating cheetos or cereal at work but not a lean cuisine or a sandwich or something.

I actually kinda joked about it yesterday (but nobody I think has any idea that I have an eating disorder yet) when two guys were talking about losing weight and eating brown rice and vegetables.. one of the bosses basically doesn't eat bread or most carbs. Anyway, I said I just eat a calorie controlled amount of cheetos, but that's actually true. I lost a lot of weight by either 1. purging 2. fasting 3. eating limited amounts of unhealthy food. But whatever...

I am making progress. I mean I have eaten yogurt recently and cheese. I did use the microwave at work to heat up some frozen quinoa thing. But this progress may end up meaning eating less, which I'm happy with.

What brought this up.. (this is a bit TMI) is a poor choice I made yesterday. So when I was first sick 8-9 years ago, in addition to restricting and throwing up most of what I ate, I abused laxatives. I was taking 8-10 everyday.. actually a lot more some days. I think the max I remember was 18. My body was dependent on them. I was abusing diuretics as well and diet pills. I stopped all of that when I was in treatment (with a few slips). Since then, I have avoided laxatives.. the stimulant ones at least. And my body does NOT respond well to them. I can't even handle a single pill now. But recently my digestion has been screwed up for some reason. Terrible gas and bloating and constipation. That's been going on for weeks, and I don't know why. I tried probiotics. I tried digestive enzyme supplements for a few days. I drink water and take fiber supplements. I tried the magnesium based laxatives, and that did little, so knowing full well it was a bad idea I took a laxative last night. Some bisacodyl based kind, which also expired in January (not sure if that is relevant). I took a single pill, and I have been miserable today. It certainly worked, but I've also had stomach cramps and diarrhea all evening. I went to Target on the way home from my parents house and thought I was going to pass out. I was standing reading the ingredients on fruit snacks (to see if they had gelatin in them) and my vision was kinda blurry because I guess I was dehydrated? Like really? The thing is I knew this would happen. It happens every time I take one. My body over reacts. Maybe it's because I used them for so long.

Oh and I felt like I was going to pass out.. but I still felt like I needed to buy binge food. That's just what I do on Thursdays. So I still walked around until I found a sufficient amount of food.

Random insights before going to bed

This is going to just be randomness.. sorry. Well, not that sorry. Short randomness is probably better than the usual long ramblings.

The first bit has to do with food.. I am considering not eating meat. Well, I have considered this for a long time. In all honesty, I don't eat it much except during binges because I eat odd things the rest of the time. I don't eat actual meals anymore. But it's more of a conscious choice now. I had a small amount of turkey sausage at lunch yesterday, and that's all I've had since Saturday I believe. My memory is terrible. Well no.. I had gummy bears that I had already bought, which have gelatin in them, but I had already bought them so after a long debate I ate them anyway. The thing is I cannot honestly decide if I am doing this because I have a moral issue with eating meat.. there is some truth in that. The truth to that is that I have always had difficulty with the idea that some animals are pets and some animals are food. That some animals are considered sentient and others are not, but there is a very unclear boundary there. And in general there are problems with the food industry. I am not however entirely convinced in that for example I own a cat and could never force my cat to be a vegetarian.. cats are evolved to eat meat. Their teeth are. Their digestive system is designed to process protein and fats not carbs and sugars and fruits and veggies. I mean I feed him dried cat food.. but the idea of vegetarian food for him seems wrong, and if I believe he can eat meat, then why is it wrong that humans can't?
But the debate in my head is more whether or not this is an issue of morals or an excuse to feel guilty about food. Can I make myself feel more guilty about food? Can I eliminate pretty much all fast food restaurants and restaurants I eat at? Can I eliminate a large number of binge foods? Can I have an excuse to not eat the catered food at work? To question ingredients? To not eat candy? Realize I don't cook.. My kitchen is something of a disaster zone. I use the oven and microwave to heat frozen foods and packaged foods. I don't cook. On a usual day, I take to work some sort of snack food (pita chips or cheetos), maybe cheese or yogurt, and some kind of candy.. plus an energy drink and a diet soda. Oh or maybe hummus instead of cheese or yogurt. Basically one healthy item and then junk.. and then when I get home I have more of whatever junk food I have. Or I binge... but this limits the binging.. and it limits the eating at work to mean it's never an option to change my mind and eat whatever is in the fridge there (unless it's salad). It means no picking up Chipotle or a salad at Target on the way (I looked and they all have chicken). See my point? I mean I even see the point. I'm well aware of how this could/probably is the eating disorder. I just can't tell if it's 100% that or 50% that or less.. we'll see.. but for now it seems no meat

The other bit is just random. I have been listening to the book Wasted as an audio book off and on for a month or so.. I've read it a million times (well maybe 10 at least) before over the years, so it's not new.. but I heard something last night that struck me. There's this bit when she's working in D.C.
"Diagnostically speaking, I'm manic. If I'm not busy, I start wondering what's wrong with me. I start feeling lazy, and I search for something to do. I do not have an off switch. But while I was in Washington, this became extreme. The activity was desperate. And I still can't tell, in retrospect, whether it was a desperate attempt to stay busy enough to keep myself alive, or an attempt to work myself to death. I became became very afraid of sleep, and of stillness"
It just sounds like me lately.. and I was reading about diet pills last night and how they can in those with bipolar make manic symptoms worse.. and there is something like mania to how I've been working lately. The desperation to it. I feel lazy. I feel slow. I am convinced I am not getting anything done.. and I'm working at least 10 hours a day 5 days a week. Someone in the lab snitched on me to my supervisor.. well not really.. but told him I was still there at 1am. He said something about me being there late. I said I never leave before midnight. He said she said it was after 1. I said I pretty much never leave before 1am anymore. He said I need to stop doing it. I said he was just saying it's a problem how far behind my area of work is (the reruns) and we need to catch up and not fall behind.
But I feel a bit suicidal at times... and it's when I'm not working. It's when I'm at home (and not sleeping). It's when I am still and stop and think about life and school. And I don't always want to exist. I cried last night listening to the book. And I am starting to cry now. This is how stillness feels. Sleep I'm ok with.. it's the rest of the time. I did stop taking my mood stabilizer for about a week. I'm taking it now. Maybe that's part of it too.. coupled with the caffeine. My current psychiatrist didn't buy into the bipolar diagnosis from one of my last inpatient stays, but off my meds I can definitely go quite crazy and not just with sadness. But on that note I am going to bed. Tonight the network went down at work right after midnight, so I couldn't work anymore... there was a little relief and a LOT of guilt over what I was leaving, but there is always guilt whenever I leave.

Body image..

My last post started talking a little bit about this whole concept. I'm really struggling with how I see myself these days... and it's not all weight related.

Basically, I hate my skin, I hate how much I weigh, I hate my hair (which keeps falling out), I hate that I look flabby, I hate that I have muscles.. everything. I started thinking about it a lot over the weekend because I went shopping for pants. I spent a lot of time staring in mirrors, and I don't look like myself.. like I can see the weight loss sometimes. Other times I swear I look just as fat as I did a year ago at 220lbs. I am trying to buy clothes that actually fit rather than the baggy stuff I keep buying.

I  have only posted photos a few times.. but I thought I'd post a couple today.

This is from February when I was still around 185. I don't have many pictures of weights higher than that..

And this is today..

Those pants are actually loose now.. I just bought them a couple weeks ago, and they're the smallest size I have (well no I have one smaller pair that I'm not going to wear until I lose a few more pounds).. they fit when I bought them, and a couple weeks before that I had tried them on at the store and they were too tight.

Todays body image obsession is brought on by a guy at work who asked if I had been exercising lately because I was looking more toned. I know that's supposed to be a compliment.. but I think I mostly just got super awkward after he said it. I said I'm trying to tone up my flabby arms.. he asked if I'd lost weight recently. I said yes but I still need to lose a lot more.. I've lost I guess about 35-40lbs since I got this job. I know because I bought my fitbit scale after I started working there in February.

I am really super self conscious about my arms (which I assume are what he was talking about) because they somehow look too fat and flabby and too muscular all at once right now. I am trying to tell myself the flab is really just loose skin.. but that isn't working. Same with my stomach and thighs.

Best I could get to show what I'm talking about... I occasionally think I look thin.. and other times I look obese still. I also think my legs are too muscular as well as too fat.. I don't know. I don't get it.  I am currently about 138, which means I'm technically not overweight anymore. My goal is to lose another 30.. but I think if anyone asks I would say another 20.. because part of me knows that other people wouldn't agree with that goal. I'm losing super slowly these days anyway, which is why I'm surprised those pants are loose.

Now that the guy made that comment.. I'm worried about what I wear at work.. I worry the scrubs show too much of my arms. Most days I wear either tank tops that are meant to be shaping/slimming or shorts/underwear designed to make your stomach smaller because I'm worried that I look fat in my scrubs. Now I think maybe I should wear long sleeves. I really should just have said thank you when he said I looked more toned, but I couldn't seem to take it as a compliment. I'm paranoid about becoming too muscular.. I worry going up and down the stairs 15-20 times at work is going to give me giant thighs.

Again I am rambling.. so I'm going to go to bed.

Antisocial

I keep thinking of writing and then not knowing what to say... things have been weird lately, and I by weird I probably mean bad. I have this vague sense that something bad is going on (besides the obvious behaviors) or bad is going to happen lately. It's hard to explain

My life is centered around work, sleep, and food these days.. pretty much entirely. Last week instead of working 8 hour shifts.. I worked 10-12 hours. Things are still a mess at work. We are/were very behind because of the plan they made to not allow anyone to take results off reports. This lasted 2 days, and it put as 4-5 days behind. We are still not caught up. They changed the policy at first to only certain people (myself included) could make the decisions about reports.. now I'm actually not sure the policy.. My supervisor was out all of last week on a trip, and that meant I spent most nights answering lots of questions. Also, some analysts decided to complain about him and how much of a jerk he is to all of us.. I was there for part of this, but I didn't go alone to speak to the boss.. I have this fear that this would just make everything worse. My supervisor already thinks it's acceptable for me to work for 2 hours more after everyone goes home.. and he snaps at me sometimes when I ask questions.. and I act like it doesn't bother me. It does. I just tolerate it rather than dealing with it.

But yes.. I didn't leave work before 1am all last week pretty much.. one day I was there until 3. I'd go downstairs to get things and people would ask why I was still there and look surprised.. actually they've stopped acting surprised to see me that late now. There is just occasionally a tone of concern about me still being there after 10-11 hours. Oh well.

Because I'm working that late, I am not going to be until 4 or 5am.. sleeping until at least noon.. and pretty much just getting up and going back to work. Usually stopping on the way for an energy drink and snacks. I am getting fat again because I am eating more at work. Well.. I don't know. I've gained a few pounds.. I went from 137 to 142, and then back to 139 again.. So I have no idea. I've been binging and purging the past several days, and that is probably part of that. The day I was 142 I also felt puffy and gross and was probably retaining water. That was after the night I purged 3 times.

What's weird is.. I bought a pair of pants a couple weeks ago. They're a size 10 (US size) and they fit when I bought them.. and I can no put them on/take them off without unbuttoning them. I told myself they must have stretched out, but I've only worn them a couple times.. I went shopping Saturday, and I tried on a couple other pairs of pants that were a size 10.. and at least one was loose. I feel like I look different.. like I almost don't look like myself. But I've gained weight, so I don't know. It doesn't really matter though. I still have another 20 pounds I need to lose at least.

I've gotten really antisocial the past couple weeks.. I haven't called my sponsor in.. I don't know.. a while. I went to a meeting Saturday after a couple weeks without one. I just don't want to talk to people. I feel like they're looking at me weird.. like people can tell I'm acting weird. At work, I always feel like the daytime supervisor is looking at me like I'm strange. I worry it's how I look.. I've started wearing makeup because I hate my skin.. I don't like looking at myself. A woman at AA who I hadn't seen in a long time started telling me how wonderful I look on Saturday (the weight loss I assume). A friend and I went to lunch after and she said she wanted to punch that woman.. and I don't know if that's just because I am not losing weight in a healthy way.. or does she think I've lost too much? That can't be true. I wonder if I look sick or just tired. I think it was sunday that the daytime supervisor told me I looked tired.. I thought I heard her talking to my supervisor later and all I heard from the conversation was "Works until 1am sometimes if it's necessary." I wonder if she said something about me.. because he's certainly never worked past 1. I wonder if he was trying to justify how much I work.. I mean I sent her (the daytime one) an email at 1:30am from work one day.. so she knows I was still there.

So yeah.. I am avoiding people. I am increasingly preoccupied with how they act around me. I think I am trying to read their minds.. not literally.. but I can't ask why they're looking at me like they are without sounding crazy. I am preoccupied with a lot. I feel like I'm getting worse but can't explain why I think that.. other than the binging and purging.. or maybe the new diet pills. I do feel like if I keep working like this I will have a breakdown. I'm tired... but there's so much work. I feel like I'm getting nothing done.. I worry that's what they talk about at work.. that I'm not doing enough. I stay late because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. The paranoia is probably not healthy.

So yes... going a bit crazy. I know I need to call my sponsor.. but I can't. I don't know what to say.. I think I'm just going to be silent on the phone and that will be awkward. I could text her, but I don't know what to say then either. I want to apologize for not calling.. but I don't know if that's appropriate.. and it seems to imply that i will start calling. I did have lunch with a friend Saturday and went shopping. That was ok. I've been skipping church because I'm tired and dizzy on sunday mornings after staying up most Saturdays binging/purging and not going to bed until 3am.. and I am anxious about going and have some paranoia about church as well.. I wish I could just stay at home for a few days alone. I wish I could work without speaking to anyone sometimes. That would probably just make this worse.

I'm rambling.. so I'll stop now. I hope some of this made sense.  

Miserable day at work (attempt 2)

I started writing a whole other post on this and then debated how much of this would actually be ok to post online.. not that I distrust anyone who reads this.. but you know how you hear stories about people getting in trouble for posting stuff about their jobs online.. and so I'm cutting out the details (sorry)

So many mistakes have been happening at work lately.. I'm sure I have posted about some of this, but I probably shouldn't be detailed about the rest. Mainly analysts making errors on reports.. and it can be debated if this is due to actual innocent error or through laziness and not following proper procedure.
Well, now they've decided to change procedure to stop this from happening.. and it has made things hell. It comes down to now we are not allowed to remove any positive results from a report without consulting the head of toxicology.. the idea was for everyone to send her the cases they had questionable data on after it was rerun, and she would consult with them about it. Well, then it was decided that this was going to be too hard.. so only me and the designated rerun person (who is someone different now) during the day are responsible for doing this for EVERYONE's cases.
This ends up being the majority of samples.. I spent all day sending a total of less than 20 of these cases.. and so the lab is behind running things and we are increasingly behind closing things. And I almost started crying about a million times today.
It doesn't help that my supervisor was complaining about how upset he was about the whole thing and at one point asked me (I went to ask him a question) to stay and talk to him since he was upset.. I basically said no. That I was upset enough already.. and proceeded to stand in the stairwell until I could pull myself back together.

It's bad.. and I'm not exactly emotionally well these days. I got off work at 1AM yesterday and went to Walmart. I was trying to buy food and seriously spent 15 minutes at least reading the nutrition facts and staring at sliced apples.. because I wanted the green kind but they didn't come in individual packages.. but at least the sliced ones have a nutrition label on the bag, even if it's multiple servings.. because I couldn't even bring myself to pick up an actual apple. I mean.. I ate gummy bears and pita chips all day at work, but I have this irrational fear of fruit because it isn't packaged and I can't really convince myself I know the calories. I also kept looking at yogurt but couldn't buy that either.. I just know I won't eat them. I didn't actually manage to eat any of the apples today. They're still unopened in the refrigerator.
I also got super defensive because Monday they had pasta for lunch at work, and I spent a minute staring at it while one of my coworkers ate.. she said I should get some, and I said no. I did end up eating some later. But then Tuesday she said something about how I didn't eat it, and I got really defensive about how i do eat, and I did eat it, and I'd be a lot skinnier if I didn't eat. Somehow it came up how much weight I've lost recently, and I was stupid and managed to instantly reply 8 pounds in the past month.. since I had looked it up on FitBit before work. I guess that's probably a lot? not a lot, but not an insignificant loss. I've been drinking a lot of energy drinks at work.. and the little Redline energy shots.. and mentioned the diet pills. I managed not to laugh when a guy there said when he was really concerned about his image he took hydroxycut during college.. because I don't consider that to be a real diet pill. It doesn't have enough weird ingredients, and it doesn't make me crazy to the point where I can't stay sitting down like the mixture of things I'm on now (I'm on Lipo 6 Black these days.. and tri adalean.. and occasionally ephedrine). I don't mean that to sound snobby.. I really don't. I mostly know in my head that there is a "healthy" way to take diet pills.. which is the ones you can buy at any store and taking them at recommended times. Then there's buying stuff online because you don't think the ones in the store are good enough, and taking them whenever the hell I feel like taking one.. which means 1 when I get up, 1 when I get to work, and then probably 2 more whenever I feel tired or if I feel stressed. When I'm stressed, I like to pop a pill.. even if it's 10pm.. which is why I'm staying up until 4.

So I know things are bad. I have seen over the past couple weeks how my mind is going crazier. I'm staring at people eating. I'm spending too long at the grocery store and not buying much (except binge shopping). I'm resorting to taking pills when I'm stressed which in the past has led to some mild overdoses (mild meaning not requiring medical attention but maybe involving some spontaneous vomiting and chest pains). I really am feeling more depressed.. and a tad suicidal.. and very anti social. I saw my sponsor at a meeting saturday, but I'm not calling or texting her. I'm not calling anyone else either. I am seeing friends for dinner tonight, but I mainly am doing that so they won't worry that I keep skipping church on sundays. I'm just tired.

Another mid-binge update on my current insanity

So lately (although my posts are fairly far apart) I tend to post when either half asleep and should be in bed but still awake due to various pills (will address this) or mid-binge.. not sure why. I think my mind wanders as I eat. Clearly, the statement indicates that things aren't going too well.. so yeah.. they're not

I actually have been eating better.. except I would say that I've gone a bit insane. I'm not sure anyone who isn't in my head (or at least a witness to the behavior) would get this when they see me eat.. but I haven't been binging much. I think it was 3 times this past week that I went to Walmart or the grocery store after work.. I think at least once I intended to buy binge food, and I just didn't want anything. So I bought odd things.. I came home with pretzels, laughing cow cheese wedges, and beef jerky.. and energy drinks. There were also the quests.. I went looking for supplies to take lunches to work. I bought a container to take salads (it has a place to hold dressing and an ice pack to keep it cold). I bought dressing and croutons but not lettuce.. I never actually made any salads. I haven't used it. I bought little divided containers (this is one of the insane ones) and came home and at 2AM cooked carrots and weighed them and divided them evenly between 3 containers, so each had the same calories.. the next day I took one to work and had carrots and mustard for dinner. I made the carrots ate 2AM because I had gone to 2 stores looking for hummus because I wanted individual containers because I knew a large container I would either eat too much or let go to waste.. I didn't end up buying any. I ended up buying powdered peanut butter and sugar free jam, which I only finally used yesterday to make oatmeal.. which I went on a quest after work to buy the oatmeal, containers, and chia seeds for.. (an aside, overnight oatmeal with PB2 in it is awesome)

So on the outside, I actually seem to be eating more.. and I'm bringing a packed lunch to work. On a closer look, what I bring might be a bit strange to some people. Like nobody noticed the carrots and mustard, which was good.. that combination has gotten me odd looks in the past (I love mustard and it's slightly less weird than just eating it with a spoon). I've also lost a bit of weight.. about 6-7 pounds this month. I'm down to 140.7 this morning, which finally puts me in the healthy weight range. No longer overweight. The loss has slowed a lot.. it's really frustrating.

I say that but the weird thing is.. and this is also a bit insane.. the past few weeks I've gone to the same store (Nordstrom Rack.. it's like an outlet store) on Thursday before my parent's house.. the last 2 weeks I tried on a few pairs of pants either size 10, 12, or 31 (which is a 12ish?) from the clearance racks.. and it was the same both times. I'd try on one pair and they'd button but be too small (muffin top situation), and I'd try on the next size up or another in the same size but another brand and they'd be big enough that I'd need a belt.. so I didn't buy anything. I went back today and I only tried on one pair of size 10s, and I swear they're the same ones that were too small either last week or two weeks ago.. and they're perfect.. or actually there's even a little room in the waist. The insane bit is the going back every week and trying on pants.. I really wasn't expecting them to fit. I was just going to buy them and add to the other pair that's sitting in my apartment until they fit.. Those are a size 9, so they're still too small. They will fit at some point, hopefully soon.

And on the whole diet pill topic.. not going great either. I noticed my hands shaking a lot lately. I thought it might be blood sugar problems at one point, but I'm eating better now.. so I'm guessing it's all the caffeine/whatever else is in the pills. I also am getting the anxious/tight chest feeling some nights.. and I am just trying to work despite that. It should probably bother me, but I'm more worried that if I stop taking them I won't be able to function and (worse) my metabolism will crash.. like I don't know if they're helping me lose weight, but I'm scared at this point that I'll gain if I stop. I'd honestly rather risk the damage than risk the weight gain and having to lose it all again..

And I'm consistently staying up until 4am and sleeping until noon.. and just generally going crazy and isolating myself until all my social interaction is with coworkers and maybe cashiers if I go shopping. Oh and my sponsor still texts to make sure I'm taking my medication.. I did finally make a meeting once this week.I feel like soon the crazy is going to start showing at work if my head gets worse.. I have actually let a couple people in on some of the anxiety about school (not going to go there now) but I feel like the rest of the crazy is going to show. Or maybe I'll get it under control.

Goodbye to a good friend

This is Mudge (when she was younger). She had to be put to sleep yesterday. Saturday the vet thought she was doing better, but then she stopped drinking water. At first I tried feeding her with a syringe and hoping that she'd start again. Tuesday after work she looked awful. She hardly moved, so I called the vet Wednesday when they opened. I couldn't get in until afternoon, but that gave my parents time to come. I was half aware that this was the end and half convinced she just needed an IV or medicine. The vet said she was dehydrated and that her mouth was ulcerated. Her stomach also hurt, which probably meant the cancer spread. She was in pain. So the best choice was putting her to sleep. We don't have anywhere to bury her because my parents rent their house, and I live in an apartment. The vet said the humane society has a cemetery that they will bury her in exchange for a donation, so I chose that. At least I will know where she is. 

I feel awful that I was a little relieved ( and still very sad) that she wasn't there lying on the floor when I got home last night like the past week. She had looked so tired and miserable. My other cat (the one in my profile picture) followed me around all night. I'm not sure if it's because she's gone or because I'm upset. Mudge was 16, so I had her for a good, long time. I got her as a kitten when I was 13. Odd (the other cat) is only 4ish, so he's still young. 

Anyway, I just wanted to update. That's all I have for now. 

Over or under reacting? *trigger warning*

A different topic tonight.. back to myself rather than on my cat, although she still has me quite worried.

I had therapy today.. and it was not a very successful appointment, in my opinion. Lately, I am struggling with human interaction outside of work.. not sure why I manage ok at work. Much more predictable, maybe? Narrower range of conversation topics? I did almost cry last night, but this is mainly exhaustion.

I still am not sleeping well.. a combination of stress, poor habits, and various pills. I was up fairly late, so I got maybe 5 hours of sleep.. so I was a bit off during the appointment. At some point she commented (not asked) that I was still not eating.. and I corrected her that I have been eating better. She said I seemed more distant, like I do when I'm restricting. I also wonder if I look thinner? mainly because a coworker commented on how much weight I've lost and asked if I was still losing the other day. I shrugged, and she said I still was.. same coworker has told me I don't need to lose weight. I'm confused because I'm not losing weight.. but that's not the point. I explained to my therapist that I was tired and not sleeping well. I said I was staying up late.. I also commented on the fact that I had not been taking my Wellbutrin, but I had started again.

She starts saying something about me being on Wellbutrin, and does my psychiatrist know I've been purging? There's a risk of taking it with bulimia because it increases the risk of seizures, which is already higher because of electrolyte problems.. or something like that. She says she should call him. I say that he knows.. he knows I have bulimia, and please do NOT call him.. I have a terrible history with anti-depressants. I have been on more than I can list, and the majority haven't worked. This is one of the few that has helped some (at least when I take it), and I don't want her making him take me off it and start the search for something else. I've taken wellbutrin in the past while the bulimia was active, and I've never had any problems.. so why this reaction now?

At some point, I think the topic of sleep came up, and I made a comment about caffeine. She asked if I was taking caffeine pills. I should have just said yes, but I said I was taking diet pills. She asked what kinds, and I gave the names.. for some reason, I don't like people thinking I take caffeine pills. Not sure why.. it seems like something only college kids do. I also gave the brands because I am in a sick, little way proud that I take unusual diet pills. Not that unusual, but not the traditional HydroxyCut and things that are advertised on television. She asks if I'm taking laxatives, which I'm not.. that's one thing I have never gone back to after I stopped during my first treatment. Thank God for that. I did mention the ephedrine.

So now she's insisting I see a cardiologist. Well, I have to go through my primary care doctor to get a referral first (insurance requires this), and my therapist wants me to have made that appointment by the next time I see her in 2 weeks. She offered to call and explain why I need the referral, but I said no.. I am not a fan of that idea. But basically she's convinced that because of the bulimia and the weight loss (like 80 pounds in less than a year) and the diet pills and all that, I might have heart damage. I wanted to comment that I was doing all this and more when I went to treatment in 2007, and my heart was quite healthy. That my blood pressure and tests have always been perfect. So why is she so convinced I probably have a leaky heart valve? I didn't argue..

Why did I not argue? well it would be pointless, but also I suppose part of me acknowledges some risk. Wednesday at work, I felt poorly most of the day.. there's this sort of sensation that I normally equate with anxiety that feels like something is wrapped around my throat. A tightness. I wasn't particularly anxious, so I thought maybe the caffeine? I only just recently added the ephedrine back into the mix.. so maybe that was affecting my blood pressure. I have this nervous habit (that hopefully nobody pays attention to) of taking my own pulse. Not sure when that developed, but I spent the evening checking that it wasn't too fast. It didn't prevent me taking another diet pill and another ephedrine while at work because I was tired. Well, add to the throat thing that I have been getting dizzy randomly again. Not often, but if I stand up too fast or sometimes taking stairs.. I get lightheaded. And the occasional odd feeling in my chest, but that may also have been anxiety. So maybe there is something to the risk. Today, I've gotten dizzy a few times when I bent over and stood up again, but otherwise I feel fine. I didn't tell her any of that because knowing the way she was being about the thought of me taking diet pills, she would probably have decided I needed to go to the emergency room or something.

I actually had been doing better with eating. Now.. this meant mostly eating a bunch of chips or crackers while working and then a meal that usually was a salad... although a salad with chicken and cheese and dressing. Together this probably adds up to a decent amount of calories.. then I usually eat something random again if I don't end up binging and purging... which I am not doing everyday now at least. Tonight I did, and at some point I was standing after filling a bottle of water and my vision went a bit white.. like seeing spots. So I'm thinking dehydration is probably behind a lot of the symptoms.
So I'll probably call my doctor and make an appointment.. if she thinks the cardiologist is justified, maybe I'll go.. maybe I'll just hope my therapist forgets about the whole idea. Either way, tonight I'm taking a potassium pill and drinking some water.. then I need to get some proper sleep.

Update (can't think of a title..)

So I realized I never updated after the cat post, so I thought I would now..
Vet visit 1 it turned out that she has an ulcer under her tongue that the vet says is probably cancerous, although I can't remember what the type of cancer is (some sort of carcinoma). She said it wasn't worth the stress/risk of doing a biopsy since that would involve anesthesia. Surgery isn't a reasonable option, so she gave her antibiotics because it looked infected, pain medication (which are thankfully this transdermal kind that you just rub on their ear, not pills), and then interferon to stop the growth. She also cauterized the ulcer to slow growth and also just help with the discomfort. The key she said was getting her to eat, so I went out and bought a bunch of cans of cat food in a few brands because I didn't know what she'd eat. I also spent some obsessive time (before and after the appointment) trying to figure out how to clean her face and paws (her mouth was bleeding and she'd wipe it on her paws) without actually trying to bathe her (like stick her in the sink).. which ended up being kinda impossible. I finally just washed her paws in the sink today, and that helped. I have wipes to use on her face, but white fur doesn't exactly go back to white.. so she still looks pathetic.
Anyway, she ate ok the first day or so. At least she ate. It's a pain because I have 2 cats, and the other will eat all the food if I leave them unsupervised with canned food out. That means he has to be shut in the bedroom to give her a chance to eat it, and she never would finish it.. but frankly my other cat is kinda fat, so I'm not letting him have the canned food anyway.
Well, then she stopped eating.. or she'd try to eat but not seem to manage to actually eat any. That's hard to explain without watching, but it was really worrying me. She also had more blood in her mouth Sunday night, so I got home last night and she just looked pathetic.. and this is after crying a ton while talking to my sponsor, but that wasn't entirely about this.. but I got upset and called my mom. She told me to take her back to the vet, and she actually called in sick to work yesterday (since it's technically Wednesday now) so she could go with me.. in case it was bad or just since it's overwhelming anyway. Both her and my dad came actually.
Vet visit 2.. apparently her mouth is looking much better, but she thinks maybe she bit her tongue.. probably the blood. I explained about the eating, but she hasn't lost any weight at all since last week.. so that's good. I mentioned she seemed wobbly when she walks, which I hadn't noticed before. She listened to her heart and told me that she has a heart murmur. She said there were pills for it, and since getting her to eat is hard, pills might be difficult.. so I get to crush them up and squirt them in her mouth.. not fun, but at least requires little cooperation. I'm going back on Saturday to see if that helped. She seems to be acting like this is treatable, so I'm trying to feel that way.
She ate a tiny bit before I went to work. I tried just a bit ago giving her some of the high calorie, special kind the vet gave me a sample of, but she wouldn't even acknowledge that. It's chicken flavored, and her entire life she will not eat chicken/turkey flavored cat food. Stubborn. So I tried mixing it with something else, and she ate a little.. but honestly I ended up giving her some with one of the syringes (realize I mean the non-needle kind) because I felt like she needed something today after the vet trip stress.
Yeah... long explanation. That's kinda why I didn't have energy for it. She keeps waking me up in the middle of the night meowing loudly in the kitchen, which was also part of why I was worried enough to take her back.. my guess is it's because she's hungry. I've been getting up and offering her food at least once every night (or whatever time early in the morning) which means I'm out of bed for a long time while she eats, so I haven't been sleeping much. Work was interesting because I was absolutely wired on caffeine and diet pills because I had to be up at 8 to call the vet when they opened to make the appointment, and I had only gone to be after 2.. plus woken up multiple times. My response was over the course of the day 2 cups of coffee with lunch, 2- 20oz bottles of coke zero, 2 cups of iced coffee (which I've been told by others is very strong), 3 diet pills, and I think one Primatene (ephedrine). Enough that my chest felt a little tight at one point.
Other than this.. I started taking my Wellbutrin again after a few weeks without taking it. I admitted Saturday to my sponsor (and her sponsor) to not taking it, so my sponsor now has a reminder on her phone to call/text to make sure I took it. I've honestly been pretty suicidal at times, but I have this long train of thought about how basically I can't because of my cats. Who would feed them? Could my parents handle a sick cat? How much worse would it suck to have their daughter die and then their daughter's cat die in their care? Really kinda ridiculous when the last few ignore the part about me dying mainly.. the concern is about the cats. This has actually always been true. I always had a fear that my parents wouldn't take my cats if I died, and they'd end up in a shelter somewhere and never get adopted. This is the kinda shit I think about in the middle of the night when I can't sleep or when I'm driving home. This is more what I was crying about, but I did not explain any of that at length to my sponsor.
There's more going on, but that's about all I can manage right now. I will try to update the rest at some point.