Inpatient

Just finished my first assessment. Just waiting on the various steps in admission.

Crappy day at work

I worked today for the last time before going inpatient. It was not the best. I had a protein shake for breakfast.  Well I tried to. Of course I got sick after a few hours of work. It was really weird before work because my supervisor texted me that my car was outside and was I ok. I of course was in bed. I threw on some clothes and went out to look for my car. It was safely parked outside the apartment. I couldn't think of any reason why it wouldn't be, but I am a blackout drinker.. so who knows. I finished showering and getting ready. Sure enough, there was a car similar to mine in the lot at work and nobody there but my supervisor, so it was weird. This happened once before when I checked the building and nobody else was there but there was another car parked outside.

Well anyway, I started to feel sick and made it to the restroom and threw up. I am not going to lie. I sat by the toilet for a few minutes to make sure it wouldn't happen again. I was waiting because the lab tech didn't come in until several hours after I got there. I honestly sat there with my head on the desk. Later I went downstairs and threw up again even though I only had water. Kinda hoping the woman in the lab didn't hear. We discussed the car in the parking lot and various stories we have heard about this building. This includes the time the light in my car was on because one of the doors wasn't fully closed. I was told this right before the only other person in the building went home.. oh and I was told by someone that there was a naked guy walking around the parking lot. I told him to tell me if it happened again because I needed to see that (through the window obviously). This was why when I worked past midnight one of the guys in the lab insisted on walking me to my car with this kickass flashlight/taser he had. The lab tech laughed so hard about that story. Anyway, I finished work and went home. I spent a while laying in bed before going to my parent's house for dinner and dropping off my cats.

My dad agreed to take me to the hospital tomorrow. I'm going to leave my car at their house so someone can keep an eye on it. Plus, my friend could only drive me early in the morning or in the evening, and I don't do morning. And evening I risk the doctors having gone home and so complicating getting any medication. So I will call in the morning and make an appointment. I know calling last minute might mean a longer wait, but I didn't know what time to make it for today since I hadn't really figured out my ride. Oh and I felt awful because I had to drag the kitten out from under a table at my parent's because I knew she needed her nails trimmed. She scratched both me and my mom in the process and contorted herself into every possible position to get away. She is not quite sold on my parents and is scared of their dog. The dog who is seriously terrified of everything and absolutely adores the kitten. Their dog also hates if the cats (any of them) fight. She used to hover and break up any fights or anytime they hiss at each other. Poor dog.. she doesn't understand why the kitten doesn't like her. Last time I was there they could only be in the same room because I made Nermal a pillow fort on the couch.

Wish me luck. I may not update until I get out since I won't have my cell phone. I already made a half ass effort at packing. I say that because I just picked random clothes, but I think I packed everything I need. I honestly don't care how I look while inpatient. I have never been the type to wear makeup or do anything but wash my hair and shower. I always shower so at least I don't smell. Now I'm watching Nurse Jackie (again) because I figure I shouldn't watch it once I'm sober since I only like episodes where she's using. Healthy, right?

Also currently the song stuck in my head is the Last Supper from Jesus Christ Superstar because I listened to it driving home and the beginning is "look at all my trials and tribulations sinking in a gentle pool of wine. Don't disturb me now I can see the answers. Till this evening is this morning, life is fine". Such a weird musical. I know it because my mom had the soundtrack and would listen while folding laundry when I was a kid. Same reason I like Irish drinking songs (specifically Tommy Makem and the Clancy brothers). My mom has odd taste in music.

Small talk

So I don't know why this felt like a huge accomplishment, but I think some of you will understand. I got home from work and could see before I even parked that 2 people were talking by the stairs to my apartment. One was sitting on then. By the way, I hate people who do that so they either have to stand up to let me pass or I have to squeeze by. But I only sat in my car for a minute before deciding it wasn't practical to wait in the car. Pretty sure most people wouldn't have even been considering sitting in the car hoping they would leave but whatever. So I go and I said hi to them and the man asked if I had a good day. I said yes and while squeezing by the sitting woman (seriously didn't stand up?) asked him the same. He said I must have because I had a smile on my face. Umm no that's my awkward conversation smile but whatever. He then said it was probably because it's Friday and I probably don't work tomorrow. I stopped at the top of the stairs and turned and explained I work all weekend but got off work early, so I was happy. I wished them both a good night and went inside. So I actually talked to random strangers for more than the minimum required hello. Then I was instantly relieved to be locked safely inside.

Not looking forward to work this weekend. A guy I work asked if I was going to talked to the manager. It was only after he said it would be weird since she was part of the problem that I realized he meant about the QC cases. I said I didn't know. Seriously, why hasn't he? If it bothers him. I don't think anyone has said a damn thing other than me to the supervisor (twice!) when the consensus last Saturday was that I emailed him and they needed to back me up so I won't seem like a bitch.

Then my supervisor asked if I would be there Sunday, and I said I would and was going to be gone starting Monday. He says he will be there Sunday, so I have that awkwardness to look forward to. I may use it to nag him about the QCs again. I didn't tell my other coworker but my current plan is to nag him a few more times to see if he will deal with this. It kinda makes me seem passive aggressive.. which I am fine with but don't really want to admit to. Especially since I am not doing it because I don't want to talk to the manager. I am doing it so he will do his fucking job. I also am trying not to cause problems when I am going inpatient soon. I am concerned about what people will think since only a few people know. I also am worried that they will try to keep me for more than a week, and I only told work a week. I may casually bring up Sunday that I won't really have control over this because if they want to keep me longer, I would have to discharge AMA and my understanding is that insurance can refuse to pay if I do. Plus, they can do shit like put a psychiatric hold on me and refuse. I haven't said this yet because honestly I am a bit embarrassed that I only know all this because of how many times I have been inpatient. I have watched this happen to other patients. Work only really knows I was in hospital once. They don't know that really it's like 9-10 times over the past 9 years. Anyway, my supervisor said I probably need documentation about how long it will be like last time, so I can get that from the doctor after I am admitted. I can also probably get the FMLA paperwork once I am there if I have to. I am hoping it won't be an issue.

I am feeling more ready now. I have had an upset stomach today and keep reminding myself that maybe the hypoglycemia and nausea will go away if I am sober. I am ready to have the option to skip meals again, which probably isn't healthy motivation. Whatever helps I guess?

Movie and dinner

Thursday means therapy day. I told her about going inpatient next week and she was happy I decided to go. She also seemed rather surprised. I guess it was a pretty impulsive choice. The rest of the appointment was mostly ranting about work. I told her about talking to the boss, and then I bitched about what's going on with my supervisor and the QC cases. She understood why I'm upset, so it was nice to be validated.

Afterwards, I went to my parent's house. We ended up deciding to go see Finding Dory after dinner. Dinner was disappointing. I'm still apparently in my disliking foods I used to like. I got a burrito bowl and it was just kinda gross. I mostly ate chips. Then at the movie I ate some popcorn but it started to make me feel sick, when I used to really love theater popcorn. I cried so much during the movie. Seriously I always cry during movies.

After getting home, I told my mom about going inpatient. She was surprisingly supportive. I never know what to expect with her. So now I am prepared for Monday except making an appointment. All the people who need to know now know. I will try to call tomorrow to make the appointment. I think I am ready. Though also terrified. Still terrified.

The boss

I decided to talk to my boss at work (the chief toxicologist) about the drinking and me going inpatient. After a lot of thought, I decided I would rather she find out from me than the manager because I could answer any questions she might have while their knowledge of things is limited. I also realized that in all likelihood she would notice I wasn't around and probably would ask about it, so she probably would find out. I discussed it briefly with a coworker who agreed that it was best I told her.

I asked the boss if I could talk to her as she was getting ready to leave. We went outside to talk. Once I was there I wasn't entirely sure what to say. I said I have a pretty severe drinking problem and was planning to take a week off to deal with it and get help. She seemed really surprised and said she never suspected this because I am such a dependable employee. That made me feel a bit better. I told her I had talked to the manager and my supervisor and that I wanted to do this before things get busier, which she appreciated. She asked a few questions but thankfully did not ask how much I drink. She recommended I reach out to HR about the employee assistance program. She was really sweet about everything. She said to let her know if she can help and that I can always call her. I actually have known her longer than I have had the job because she went to school with me. She also knows about all the school shit because I talked to her about it at some point to find out if my job was at risk if I gave up on school. She was super sweet about that too. I am glad that I told her before taking time off. I really didn't want her to think I was hiding things or didn't trust her. So this was probably best. I am fairly certain she would have found out eventually, although I was happy that she hadn't suspected anything because it means my work is ok still. Honestly, I talk to her very little, which is probably why she hasn't noticed the tremors. The manager first talked to me after I showed her something on my computer and pointed to something with a clearly shaking hand. I have on multiple occasions shown papers and things to my supervisor, so I wasn't surprised he caught on. Plus, I had mentioned the drinking before while I was sober to explain why I couldn't go to an event where alcohol would be present. So he actually knew about the drinking before I relapsed. Now I just need to think about what to say to coworkers when I get back. The fact that I planned this in advance rather than the day it happened will probably make it easier. Honestly, nobody really asked last time.

Honesty at work

I managed to put aside my current anger and resentment towards the supervisor and manager (discussed in previous posts), so I could discuss time off. I did rant quite a bit to a coworker about the email from my supervisor. This conversation may have involved a lot of swearing. She agrees his response was not appropriate and that if the manager is doing something that negatively affects others, he should be willing to support me and talk to her not just tell me to talk to her. Me going to my supervisor is the appropriate way to handle this, but my supervisor is such a passive person he won't help. So my coworker says I should go to the boss, but I haven't yet because I would like to limit the number of awkward conversations I have today.

After that, I asked the manager if I could speak with her. I told her I want to take a week off to get help. I explained that I need help with detox and the depression and that it probably isn't safe to detox at home. She was supportive. She put me being off on the calendar for next week. She asked if it was affecting me at work, and I said that I am very stressed. She asked why, and I just said that anything that involves leaving my apartment makes me anxious now and it's a social thing. In previous conversations, I have claimed work is not a problem, so this was more honest than I have been before.

After I talked to her, I asked my supervisor if I could talk to him. I told him that I wanted to take time off and had discussed it with the manager. He was happy that I am going to get help and agreed detoxing at home probably won't go well. He said I didn't need to tell the boss, and that if she needs to know the manager can tell her. I am just going to go with that because I would still prefer to limit who knows about the drinking. If she finds out, it will probably be fine. They can't really fire me over what is essentially a medical condition. It would just be awkward.

So I just need to tell my parents now. That's why I don't plan to go until probably Monday. I also don't know if I really need to get FMLA paperwork or if as long as they are OK with this, I don't need it. So that's another thing I need to figure out before next week. I see my therapist on Thursday, so I may ask her. I think I am going to start packing a bag. I still need to get books to read inpatient because I always read at least 2. So I will do that Thursday. I hope I am making the right choice. This feels right. I think maybe I am ready. I guess I will find out.

I managed to make it through work without saying anything to my supervisor about how he's being a passive ass. I'm editing this after writing the rest. I am angrier than I was because I told him about the daytime supervisor closing cases I was working on Sunday. Apparently, he knew about this and had talked with her. What the fuck? Neither of them bothered to tell me. I was left to be confused and figure out myself. I asked if the cases were forwarded to her, but no..  she decided to pull the unclosed cases and work on them to help me at a time when both of them should have known I was working on the same list. I brought it up with 2 coworkers to make sure I am justified in being angry, that this should not have happened, and to discuss my next step in addressing it since talking to my supervisor accomplished nothing except making me angry. The consensus is that I should talk to the manager next, but I feel really uncomfortable since part of why I am angry has to do with her not closing her QC cases. I mean she is about to do her thesis defense, so I understand she has a lot else to do, but at the very least this could have been communicated better. The Sunday situation.. I really don't understand or could explain without sounding really angry because I just don't understand.. I don't understand why it happened. I don't understand what was communicated between supervisors and how it could be kept from me and neither could be bothered with sending an email or text at least. I am baffled by all of this. I don't want to have an argument or be openly angry when I just asked to take time off on such short notice. So I did mention to a coworker (the one who took over as lead) that I think it needs to be brought up in the department meeting, but I won't be there. I am hoping something gets done. I am afraid if I do it that they will think I'm just lazy and unwilling to do my job. It really is not that. The whole QC system is required by the company and other agencies, and this whole issue violates that because people are closing the cases without proper feedback. If I do bring it up, I will probably emphasize that.. but then I worry it sounds threatening to say that policies are being violated.

I am also now debating talking to the boss about me going inpatient. I am trying to decide if she is going to find out anyway (through the manager) because I would rather she hears it from me and can ask me questions rather than from someone who won't know every answer. My supervisor said she could find out from the manager. I think I should ask the manager if she intends to tell the boss because if the answer is yes I would rather just tell her. It looks better (I think?) to hear it from me than for it to look like I am hiding it from her. If the manager intends not to tell or to lie, then maybe I should just leave things be because less people will know. If I do relapse later, it might be worse for more people to be aware of the truth. I worry she will be watching and waiting for signs that I am drinking again. I am probably being overly paranoid, but I do know that privacy is not an option apparently. My supervisor has spoken about me. The manager has watched me close enough to notice things aren't going well. I am apparently not hiding things well. That leaves me concerned that they will continue to watch my behaviors and draw conclusions about how I am doing from that. I guess tomorrow I will decide about telling the boss. The other drama I may just give up on and hope that them knowing about the QC stuff will be enough for it to be addressed. I am not up for conflict right now.

Shopping

Not working Monday is still so weird to me and not helpful. I can't handle this much free time because all I think about is alcohol. So I decided to go shopping. I managed to sleep a ton last night. I got up around 1 and decided to go to the mall. I almost didn't because it was raining heavily. I got a slice of pizza for lunch, but I didn't end up buying anything else. I wandered around several stores though. I have/had a friend who always hated I can go shopping so much and buy so little. I left and went to several other stores. I went to Dollar Tree (a store where everything is $1) and got some candy, a hair brush, and razor blades. The hair brush is part of my preparing for if I go inpatient. I already picked up some toiletries and am debating packing a bag. I also went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. This one is harder to explain.. but the company also owns a store called World Market that sells weird things like foreign foods and also decorative/household stuff. Well when they closed the World market in town (I was not happy about that) they added a World Market section to Bed Bath & Beyond that sells food and drinks. So I picked up some candy and coffee. Then I went to one of the natural grocery stores in town and got a salad to eat for dinner and some vegetarian sausages that you can't find at the regular stores. Also some protein powder that was on clearance to add to all the protein powder I buy and never use. They didn't have my usual Qrunch burgers, which I was sad about, but I am looking forward to the sausages (field roast Italian sausage)

Now I am back home. It was something of an accomplishment to go to so many stores and interact with people. I tend to limit myself to stores with self checkout. I checked my work email and my supervisor said (response to my angry email) that he wants me to address it with the manager directly. My first thought was that he can go fuck himself. Part of his job is to help those he supervises but he is such a passive person you have to hound him to make him deal with anything. But I won't say that (or at least not to him). I also probably won't talk to the manager because I am also terrified of conflict. Plus, I need to talk to her about personal things and taking time off, so I don't want her to be upset with me. I am hoping I can manipulate my coworkers to bring it up because my coworker is the one who actually got the text about this whole thing.

Sunday by the way.. work was weird. It was only me and the medical director in the building (and he left before me). He kept talking about the new drugs and new protocol, which was a bit distracting. Anyway, I started working on the list of unclosed cases and after a while, it became apparent that the daytime supervisor was closing the same sets of cases at the same time. Like a case that was open when I selected it would be closed with her signature by the time I got to it. I expected her to text or call me when this happened but maybe she didn't realize it. I ended up stopping and waiting for 10-15 minutes and then seeing if the rest were done, which they were. It seemed to make more sense than to keep working on the cases she obviously was sent.. I am guessing someone forwarded her their QC cases. I didn't feel brave enough to text her and ask because I thought if I was wrong (not sure how) I would look stupid. This whole issue with the cases needs to be addressed, and I doubt my supervisor will. I know my coworker wants to bring it up in the department meeting, which unfortunately is at the same time I have therapy on Thursday, so I won't be there. Hopefully it will all work out. I hate missing the meetings and relying on my supervisor to update me because he won't unless I ask him. He is notorious for not telling people updates they miss. It happened so many times when I was part time and got there after everyone. He's a decent guy but has even less social skills than me.

I am anxious about talking to them about time off tomorrow. I talked to an AA friend yesterday and she was supportive about this choice. She wanted to hang out yesterday but I was so exhausted after having no sleep that I just couldn't manage it. I am a bit frustrated because she never gave me an answer about staying at her apartment for detox, but I also don't want to anymore because the idea of being around the 3 other people living there is terrifying. Hospital is probably the best option at this point.

Sleepless

Had a rough night. After the last post, I attempted to eat a couple sour patch kids (candy) and then promptly threw up again. I gave up and took my seroquel and went to bed. I have not really slept although I think I spaced out and had some weird dream like things. One was a bug on the wall.. I panicked and thought about finding bug spray, and then realized it wasn't real because I wasn't even facing the wall. Then I swear I looked up and someone staring down at me but from a spot no one could be standing because there's not enough space between the bed and wall. At 6 I started to get hungry, so I got up and had half a slice of cheesecake and 2 shots of vodka. I went back to bed but still have slept. I have work in about 3 hours and am debating staying in bed a while or giving up and getting dressed and eating. I am leaning towards more vodka and going back to bed.

Work weirdness

So work was odd today. I am rather upset with the manager who decided she didn't have time to close her QC cases, so we got to do it. She didn't tell anyone until asked. I sent an email to my supervisor about it. I started typing and one of my coworkers asked if I was sending an angry email because I guess I type pretty loudly when I'm upset. Somehow after everything was done, we had a bitch fest about the supervisor. Not really sure how that started.

After most people left, I was talking to a coworker. She's the one that I have told about the drinking. She asked if the manager had said anything else to me about it. I told her she hadn't. I told her I was thinking of taking time off to get help.  She was really supportive and agreed I should do it soon. I talked about being able to take medical leave but not wanting to go unless the manager and everyone was OK with it. We discussed who I should talk to first. It was a good conversation. I talked about the supervisor telling the boss things and how I am having trouble trusting him, and she agreed he shouldn't have or at least should have told me before and given me a chance to tell them myself. Glad that I am not alone in thinking that. Her I trust to keep this to herself.

Then I get home feeling rather sick. I managed one shot of vodka and half a frozen meal. Then I tried another shot and promptly threw it all up. Now I am nursing some almond milk because I know I will only feel worse if my blood sugar drops, but I can't handle the idea of solid food. I am hoping my stomach settles and I can drink. Not a great evening.

Work

Not a lot to write today. I woke up, went to the liquor store (though I probably had enough for tonight), and got frozen yogurt for lunch before work.

There wasn't much to do. The boss told us some things. A lot I knew because my desk is right next to hers (chief toxicologist) and the medical director. They're adding more drugs to what we test and within a few weeks we will start testing oral fluids (aka spit) in addition to urine. It's going to hopefully more samples.

I am nervous because she says that no one can take time off in July. That means if I do decide to go inpatient, it needs to be now or wait a whole month. I honestly almost talked to her about it, but I wimped out. She doesn't know about the drinking yet. She knows some about the cutting. I might be able to claim I need help just for that and the depression. I probably should talk to my supervisor or the manager first. Of course, my supervisor wasn't there today, and the manager had already left. I don't want to tell the boss and then decide not to go because that will make things weird. Plus, she's the one who could do something like force me to take a leave of absence or suspend me. I don't know what I want to do. I know I need help, but I don't know if I want it. If I don't, I will probably relapse again. If I go inpatient, I also have to tell my parents. I will think about it over the weekend because I definitely wouldn't admit myself during the weekend because it complicates insurance and stuff. If I go, I will probably choose a different place than where I went in February. I don't feel like they handle detox as well based on what I watched. I have gone to another place that did vitals/blood pressure more often, and blood pressure is my main concern. When I went there, they gave me Librium and something for blood pressure (hydrochlorothiazide) and even a prescription for after I discharged. So I think it would be easier there. I only chose the place in February because they have you sort out payment after you admit rather than during the admission process. The better place almost wouldn't take me once because I couldn't pay my deductible all at once.

It's making me feel a bit ashamed how many times/places I have been inpatient. 5 different hospitals and I think 9-10 times. About half were detox and half were depression/suicidal thoughts. That's over almost 9 years though but still that's almost yearly. The number of times is part of why I hesitate to go again. The success record isn't too good. I don't know. I think I will call my sponsor...

Meds and Moscato

I succeeded in making it to the psychiatrist appointment. I tried to limit how much I drank last night, so I would be able to drive. I also showered last night rather than in the morning, so I wouldn't have to be up as early. It didn't go entirely well. I was honest about the drinking (well kinda lied about the amount) and cutting and school. It's weird that with my last doctor appointments were less than 5 minutes. This was an hour. He asked about school and I tried to explain the situation and the anxiety involved. I told him about work. I told him about getting stitches. We also ended up talking about my parents. He asked something about them being supportive or knowing about this stuff. I basically told him what I wrote about here about their own mental health issues and the things my mom has said. He was surprised by how she told me I wanted to be an alcoholic. He recommended some book related to families. Anyway, he recommended I go to rehab. He mentioned that I qualify for FMLA (for non americans it's the family medical leave act that basically if you worked somewhere longer than a year you can't be fired for taking medical leave) and my job can't fire me. I know that but I still have to go back to my job and face everyone after. I have to deal with them knowing why I was off work. I have to deal with the fact that I took time off at a time that people aren't supposed to be taking time off. I have to deal with any questions. I have considered detox because that would be like a week. He is talking about 1-2 months.

I tried to get something for anxiety. I tried to explain all the social anxiety. Unfortunately, he won't give me anything unless I promise to cut back on drinking. I honestly don't want detox meds (well I do..) but something to help with the constant anxiety. So I left and made an appointment for July.

I decided not to go home after. I went shopping. I went to look at clothes at one store and didn't buy anything. Then I went to another to look for new ice trays. I got that and a shirt. Then I bought new collars for my cats and cat food. I went to my parent's house and saw my mom's car. I wasn't sure if it meant she was home or that my dad drove her to work. I didn't want to spend that long at the house if she was there. Not sure why. I ended up at Target.

I ran out of lorazepam a couple weeks ago. I had been taking it to control the tremors when I visited my parents (who I haven't told about the relapse). Now my only option is alcohol. I have taken a water bottle full of vodka a couple times and drank some before going in. Today I bought a 4 pack of mini bottles of pink moscato at Target. I am not a fan of wine, but it's better than beer. I drove back to the house and drank one in the driveway. My mom wasn't there. I went back out a couple hours later and had another. I debated this because my dad (long story for another day) has security cameras on at least the front door and I think the back, so I was worried he might wonder why I went to my car. There thankfully is not one on the driveway. I ended up deciding to grab the bag with the other stuff I bought shopping and bring it inside, so it would look like I went out for that. I drank another bottle and went back inside.

Later they got home and we went to dinner. We got Thai food and I really didn't like what I ordered. It was too spicy and apparently the texture of tofu is now disgusting.. that's good news for a vegetarian (sarcasm). I only ate maybe 1/4 and took the rest home. I know I will just throw it out, but somehow it made more sense than admitting I didn't like it. I had chicken for lunch (because I failed at the vegetarian thing) and that also seemed disgusting, so I think I am now a vegetarian who also hates tofu. Guess I will be living on frozen meals still.

On the way home I stopped at the grocery store. I was looking for a brand of low calorie ice cream my local store doesn't carry. I bought a single serving blender a few days ago and am thinking of making milkshakes.. anyway, I bought an odd assortment of food. I ended up with a different brand of ice cream, a container of fruit to take to work tomorrow, some weird macaroons, a piece of cake, and candy. It was brave because this particular store doesn't have self checkout, so I had to face a cashier with my super healthy groceries. Now I am home.

I am still thinking about the appointment. I don't want to go to rehab. The place I was in rehab before was not good. The place he recommended is different, but still there are so many issues with this. I am considering inpatient detox, but I still don't really want that. I am scared to face emotions and this situation with school while sober. I am afraid I will end up suicidal. I am already a bit suicidal. I am not ready to face this. I am not sure the solution. For now I just want to be drunk and numb. Drunk and not thinking. This feels safe.

Change of taste

This is a bit random, but I feel like venting.

For quite some time, the majority of my diet consisted of Cheetos and sometimes corn chips. I wish I could say I'm exaggerating, but I am not. My coworkers had a theory that my fridge only contained diet soda and energy drinks, and that was actually pretty true. Well lately, I don't like any of the foods I used to eat. Chips are always too salty (and I used to eat mustard straight from the packet). Cheetos are too salty. Crackers are too salty, and when I drank before I lived off cheese and crackers.. so this is really strange.

I hate it because I never know what groceries to buy. I bought cheese and Triscuits and have eaten maybe 3 slices of the cheese and a handful of Triscuits. I bought potato chips and not touched them. I buy chips probably once a week to take to work. The last time I decided it really doesn't matter what kinds because I am not going to eat them. I still buy them because I like to feed my coworkers. I am living off 2 kinds of frozen meal (Amy's chili mac and lean cuisine tortellini) most of the time for dinner at home and protein shakes (mainly bolthouse farms) or Boost and fruit while at work. I stopped eating salad there because apparently I no longer like ranch dressing. Admittedly still eat a lot of mustard...

I am sure this has something to do with the drinking because it started a month or so into the relapse. I only started trying protein drinks since the last time I got sick at work from not eating enough. I am hoping it eventually goes away and I can eat more foods. I managed to find "lightly salted" crackers tonight that taste ok. That and I look forward to being sober eventually and not having to worry about eating enough to stop my blood sugar from dropping and me throwing up.

I did something a little stupid at work today. One of my coworkers is fasting for Ramadan, and the medical director made the comment to me that he couldn't do it. I said that these days I can't but my record in the past was 5 days of only liquids. No idea why I thought that was a good response. He seemed surprised and asked if it was a cleansing thing. That was when I realized how stupid I was. I just shrugged and said it was something like that because I didn't want to say I have an eating disorder and open that can of worms. I don't know what he thought about it, but I am well aware it wasn't a normal thing to say. Oops..

Add to that the new cut on my wrist (which hopefully he didn't notice) and I definitely seem crazy. He may not have noticed, but I think my supervisor did, although he didn't say anything. People have a certain facial expression for when I am looking or acting oddly. I have gotten it before when I had too much caffeine and was being rather manic. Part of me feels like all the important people (manager, supervisor, boss) know something about the self harm now, so why hide it? I am not worrying about visible scars on my arms anymore when sitting at my desk. I don't try to cover ones on my wrist or not picking at my skin. It's probably bad because I am still showing signs they should worry. I know I shouldn't do that because I don't want them to worry. I guess that I know that people should be worried if they knew what was going on, so I don't care? Maybe it's a way to start that conversation, and I am waiting to see who says something.

We had part of our RE-certification at work today. Basically we get tested every few months to make sure we know policies and procedures. This time it was a written test, which was far less awkward than verbal like last 2 times. I think I only missed the question about this month's core value because I really don't pay attention to those emails. Last month was something about team building. This one has something to do with being able to explain our job to customers or coworkers? And we have to make word puzzles and things to explain our company's core values. I was slightly upset that some versions of the test had it as a multiple choice question, but the one I took was short answer. I then spent the rest of the day joking with a coworker about how we're going to fail the test and be fired. I think it's funny because my supervisor used to say (rather often) about how if we were doing something wrong, they can't afford to fire all of us. At the time, that wasn't all that funny because 2 analysts did get fired within just a couple months over mistakes and he kept telling me the things they were getting in trouble over. For example, saying during RE-certification that this analyst didn't have time for looking at all the results.. yeah, that guy deserved what happened. But anyway.. it was funny tonight. I needed a laugh. We still ended up doing nothing (after making our word games) for several hours. I remembered to bring a charger for my phone today, so at least I was able to stare at instagram and such without fear of it dying before the shift ended.

BORED

Guys, I am at work and bored out of my mind. And boredom and depression aren't a good mix. It is probably better being here than at home because I can't drink. Well, I do have vodka in the car, but I refuse to drink during work. I mostly just end up picking at my skin a lot, which I have stopped trying to hide since everyone kind of knows I am crazy anyway. We ran out of work a couple hours ago, so I have mostly been staring at my phone. I caught up on instagram and facebook and then have been browsing certain unhealthy message boards I frequent. I am always a little afraid a coworker will ask what I am reading, and I refuse to admit to that website because 1 only maybe one coworker knows I have an eating disorder and 2 they might find me on there..but if I refuse to name the website they will probably know it's something inappropriate. I plan to just say it's a diet website if asked, which is only kind of lying. Only my therapist and my former sponsor know I look at pro eating disorder sites and I won't say which one. They both very much disapprove. Though my sponsor did laugh when I was describing one post (about someone who thought they magically lost weight from eating multiple cans of kidney beans a day). I told her because I read it and started laughing while at her house.

I am not having a great day depression-wise. I think working so little sundays and having Monday off is really bad for me. It results in me drinking too early and then drinking more. It involves too much alone time. I almost want to tell them that at work, but I don't think they can change my schedule given how little work there is these days. I am also anxious about the psychiatrist appointment on Thursday. The friend I have talked with about detox never told me if she talked to her roommates about me staying there. She also wasn't at the meeting Saturday. I am not sure I can call her. I really am not sure I am up to doing the detox thing yet. I am pretty sure I will end up suicidal (well more suicidal than I already am). I am thinking of just going to the appointment and then scheduling another appointment in a couple weeks to go back and discuss it. Oh and this appointment is in the morning, which means I can't drink too much the night before because I have to be able to drive. I could ask someone for a ride, but I still shouldn't show up drunk. So anxious about that too. I also haven't been consistently taking my meds for the past week. I don't know why.. laziness or forgetfulness or self destructiveness or some combination of those things. I am not good at finding a middle ground with the depression. I like to either be happy or extremely depressed, so I do this occasionally. Plus, it's not like they work when I am drinking this much.

I am currently ready for work to be over, so I can go home and get drunk. I am tired of myself these days.

Sunday

Today I only ended up working 2 hours. I showed up to a completely empty building. That always makes me a tiny bit anxious because I am always convinced I will somehow set off the alarm even though I know the code. It's only the second time I have ever had to disarm it. I have had to arm it several times when I was the last to leave.

My supervisor ended up coming in for a bit to help. The list of unclosed cases was more than 50 this week, so he decided to come in when I told him. I said I could manage if he didn't want to, but he came in anyway. It did go faster with help.

He asked how I was doing and I kinda shrugged. He said I seem to be doing a little better. I don't know if that's really true but I have been less anxious after the other person became shift lead. The guilt is a little less. He was nice and didn't ask more questions about it. He asked about my schedule because he wanted to make sure I wasn't working more than others by working Sunday. I think he's still worrying about me, and I know that's probably why he wanted to help. I feel a little guilty about that, but I'm trying not to let it bother me so much. I don't know how not to feel guilty about all of this. I am trying to remember people caring isn't bad. I am also trying not to make things any worse. Being on my best behavior around everyone at work for now.

I got kinda depressed after I left work. I went to Walmart to buy some more food. I bought some groceries yesterday but wanted to get some snacks. Also, I am trying to kill time and not start drinking until evening, which means it's best not to be home all afternoon. Now I'm home and watching TV.

Responsibility

Therapy today was interesting. I updated her on all the work drama. I talked about how it reminds me of what happened at the bank. She talked about how far I've come. That I actually care what I am doing now. When I worked at the bank, I cared very little about how my behaviors affected my coworkers. A large part is I like my current job, and I hated the bank. Honestly, it became almost a trauma thing. I associated the bank with my eating disorder and self harm. I associated it with ending up in the psych ward. I remember walking in after getting out of hospital and panicking and looking for something to buy and cut with.

She kept asking why I don't want people caring about me. I tried to emphasize that it is people worrying that bothers me, but I realize those are the same. I don't like causing any kind of hurt or negative emotions. This applies to friends, family, and coworkers. She asked what it would take for me to feel worthy. I don't think anything can at this point. I feel I have caused so much damage with the drinking and self harm. I feel I have failed at school and work. So many things I feel like I have to make up for.

So we ended up talking about feeling responsible for things that I shouldn't. A lot has to do with my parents. I think of myself as the identified patient (can't remember where I learned that term). I am not the only one with some amount of mental illness. My Dad clearly has at least mild clinical depression. Both parents and my brother have anxiety. I am just the only one ever to be diagnosed and gotten treatment. I remember sometime after getting home from residential in 2009 realizing how much progress I had made and how much my parents were the same. It made/makes me sad and angry. When we did a couple family sessions while I was a teenager, they were told they needed to get counselling before trying to do therapy with me. My therapist gave them a list of names for therapists, but they never went. That wasn't the only time it was recommended to them. They still have never gone. I have pretty much refused to do family therapy because of this. My mom has for a long time complained to me about my dad, brother, coworkers. I have fought the urge to tell her maybe she should see a therapist (that would not go well). I think it's why I feel responsible for her happiness. It didn't help that as an adult she told me that I was the reason that we moved to Texas. My dad got a job here, but apparently the decision also had to do with me. I was threatened with a knife at school when I was 8. I have zero memory of this incident. I know about it because she mentioned it to my therapist. They moved to get me away from that school (that I do have bad memories from).

My mom was very unhappy after we moved because she was far away from her friends. Honestly, I had no real friends in Maryland, so it didn't affect me that way. She got a job and hated her coworkers. I somehow felt guilty even though I didn't know I was responsible for the move then. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted my parents not to fight. When my brother got in trouble at school, I focused on not causing any problems. I got less attention because I didn't cause problems. That lasted until I was 15 and they found out about my cutting. Then I got attention. Then I felt guilty for worrying them.

I went to college and started feeling responsible for my roommate's happiness. I developed my habit of buying people gifts to try to make them happy. In high school, I would bake things or bring people food to make them happy. I am still doing both.. I buy chips or other snacks to bring to work. I am the only one who does it. It makes me a little less anxious about coworkers liking me. The manager complained about being hungry once, and I told her she could eat anything in my lunch box.

So yeah.. I have a problem with feeling responsible for things and people that I am really not responsible for. My therapist wants to start doing work on the stuff with my parents. Honestly, we have been talking a lot about them recently. I have made progress in recent years with realizing that I am not the only one with mental illness. My mom complaining to me about my dad when I was a child was not ok. I love them and see them frequently, but I do not see them as part of my support system. They have failed on several occasions as being a support system. Ever since I relapsed with the bulimia in 2007 and my mom told me it was because I didn't try hard enough in treatment. Or when she told me I knew I would become an alcoholic when I started drinking and wanted to get as bad as I did. Or maybe when they visited me in the psych ward and she was angry that I hadn't told them sooner that things were bad. Yeah... there's a few things that she has said that are why I tell them I am fine and not the truth. I mentioned those first two in a meeting recently and I can tell by people's reactions that I am not overreacting about this. When I was in treatment in 2009 or 2010, I was taught about levels of support. I am so glad I learned and had validated that I get to choose who is in it, and my parents don't have to be part of it. It's like in AA people talk about your family of origin and family of choice. Admittedly, the latter has fallen apart lately. I really only have a few people in AA (though a lot more would be there if I actually asked). I have a few friends that I never talk to, but I know they will be there if I ever get over this social anxiety and self hatred.

Sorry for rambling a bit. I don't know how much of this I have written about before, but it's what is on my mind today so I feel like saying it. Not really looking forward to working on this in therapy, but I clearly am not over the responsibility thing.