BORED

Guys, I am at work and bored out of my mind. And boredom and depression aren't a good mix. It is probably better being here than at home because I can't drink. Well, I do have vodka in the car, but I refuse to drink during work. I mostly just end up picking at my skin a lot, which I have stopped trying to hide since everyone kind of knows I am crazy anyway. We ran out of work a couple hours ago, so I have mostly been staring at my phone. I caught up on instagram and facebook and then have been browsing certain unhealthy message boards I frequent. I am always a little afraid a coworker will ask what I am reading, and I refuse to admit to that website because 1 only maybe one coworker knows I have an eating disorder and 2 they might find me on there..but if I refuse to name the website they will probably know it's something inappropriate. I plan to just say it's a diet website if asked, which is only kind of lying. Only my therapist and my former sponsor know I look at pro eating disorder sites and I won't say which one. They both very much disapprove. Though my sponsor did laugh when I was describing one post (about someone who thought they magically lost weight from eating multiple cans of kidney beans a day). I told her because I read it and started laughing while at her house.

I am not having a great day depression-wise. I think working so little sundays and having Monday off is really bad for me. It results in me drinking too early and then drinking more. It involves too much alone time. I almost want to tell them that at work, but I don't think they can change my schedule given how little work there is these days. I am also anxious about the psychiatrist appointment on Thursday. The friend I have talked with about detox never told me if she talked to her roommates about me staying there. She also wasn't at the meeting Saturday. I am not sure I can call her. I really am not sure I am up to doing the detox thing yet. I am pretty sure I will end up suicidal (well more suicidal than I already am). I am thinking of just going to the appointment and then scheduling another appointment in a couple weeks to go back and discuss it. Oh and this appointment is in the morning, which means I can't drink too much the night before because I have to be able to drive. I could ask someone for a ride, but I still shouldn't show up drunk. So anxious about that too. I also haven't been consistently taking my meds for the past week. I don't know why.. laziness or forgetfulness or self destructiveness or some combination of those things. I am not good at finding a middle ground with the depression. I like to either be happy or extremely depressed, so I do this occasionally. Plus, it's not like they work when I am drinking this much.

I am currently ready for work to be over, so I can go home and get drunk. I am tired of myself these days.