Meds and Moscato

I succeeded in making it to the psychiatrist appointment. I tried to limit how much I drank last night, so I would be able to drive. I also showered last night rather than in the morning, so I wouldn't have to be up as early. It didn't go entirely well. I was honest about the drinking (well kinda lied about the amount) and cutting and school. It's weird that with my last doctor appointments were less than 5 minutes. This was an hour. He asked about school and I tried to explain the situation and the anxiety involved. I told him about work. I told him about getting stitches. We also ended up talking about my parents. He asked something about them being supportive or knowing about this stuff. I basically told him what I wrote about here about their own mental health issues and the things my mom has said. He was surprised by how she told me I wanted to be an alcoholic. He recommended some book related to families. Anyway, he recommended I go to rehab. He mentioned that I qualify for FMLA (for non americans it's the family medical leave act that basically if you worked somewhere longer than a year you can't be fired for taking medical leave) and my job can't fire me. I know that but I still have to go back to my job and face everyone after. I have to deal with them knowing why I was off work. I have to deal with the fact that I took time off at a time that people aren't supposed to be taking time off. I have to deal with any questions. I have considered detox because that would be like a week. He is talking about 1-2 months.

I tried to get something for anxiety. I tried to explain all the social anxiety. Unfortunately, he won't give me anything unless I promise to cut back on drinking. I honestly don't want detox meds (well I do..) but something to help with the constant anxiety. So I left and made an appointment for July.

I decided not to go home after. I went shopping. I went to look at clothes at one store and didn't buy anything. Then I went to another to look for new ice trays. I got that and a shirt. Then I bought new collars for my cats and cat food. I went to my parent's house and saw my mom's car. I wasn't sure if it meant she was home or that my dad drove her to work. I didn't want to spend that long at the house if she was there. Not sure why. I ended up at Target.

I ran out of lorazepam a couple weeks ago. I had been taking it to control the tremors when I visited my parents (who I haven't told about the relapse). Now my only option is alcohol. I have taken a water bottle full of vodka a couple times and drank some before going in. Today I bought a 4 pack of mini bottles of pink moscato at Target. I am not a fan of wine, but it's better than beer. I drove back to the house and drank one in the driveway. My mom wasn't there. I went back out a couple hours later and had another. I debated this because my dad (long story for another day) has security cameras on at least the front door and I think the back, so I was worried he might wonder why I went to my car. There thankfully is not one on the driveway. I ended up deciding to grab the bag with the other stuff I bought shopping and bring it inside, so it would look like I went out for that. I drank another bottle and went back inside.

Later they got home and we went to dinner. We got Thai food and I really didn't like what I ordered. It was too spicy and apparently the texture of tofu is now disgusting.. that's good news for a vegetarian (sarcasm). I only ate maybe 1/4 and took the rest home. I know I will just throw it out, but somehow it made more sense than admitting I didn't like it. I had chicken for lunch (because I failed at the vegetarian thing) and that also seemed disgusting, so I think I am now a vegetarian who also hates tofu. Guess I will be living on frozen meals still.

On the way home I stopped at the grocery store. I was looking for a brand of low calorie ice cream my local store doesn't carry. I bought a single serving blender a few days ago and am thinking of making milkshakes.. anyway, I bought an odd assortment of food. I ended up with a different brand of ice cream, a container of fruit to take to work tomorrow, some weird macaroons, a piece of cake, and candy. It was brave because this particular store doesn't have self checkout, so I had to face a cashier with my super healthy groceries. Now I am home.

I am still thinking about the appointment. I don't want to go to rehab. The place I was in rehab before was not good. The place he recommended is different, but still there are so many issues with this. I am considering inpatient detox, but I still don't really want that. I am scared to face emotions and this situation with school while sober. I am afraid I will end up suicidal. I am already a bit suicidal. I am not ready to face this. I am not sure the solution. For now I just want to be drunk and numb. Drunk and not thinking. This feels safe.