Change of taste

This is a bit random, but I feel like venting.

For quite some time, the majority of my diet consisted of Cheetos and sometimes corn chips. I wish I could say I'm exaggerating, but I am not. My coworkers had a theory that my fridge only contained diet soda and energy drinks, and that was actually pretty true. Well lately, I don't like any of the foods I used to eat. Chips are always too salty (and I used to eat mustard straight from the packet). Cheetos are too salty. Crackers are too salty, and when I drank before I lived off cheese and crackers.. so this is really strange.

I hate it because I never know what groceries to buy. I bought cheese and Triscuits and have eaten maybe 3 slices of the cheese and a handful of Triscuits. I bought potato chips and not touched them. I buy chips probably once a week to take to work. The last time I decided it really doesn't matter what kinds because I am not going to eat them. I still buy them because I like to feed my coworkers. I am living off 2 kinds of frozen meal (Amy's chili mac and lean cuisine tortellini) most of the time for dinner at home and protein shakes (mainly bolthouse farms) or Boost and fruit while at work. I stopped eating salad there because apparently I no longer like ranch dressing. Admittedly still eat a lot of mustard...

I am sure this has something to do with the drinking because it started a month or so into the relapse. I only started trying protein drinks since the last time I got sick at work from not eating enough. I am hoping it eventually goes away and I can eat more foods. I managed to find "lightly salted" crackers tonight that taste ok. That and I look forward to being sober eventually and not having to worry about eating enough to stop my blood sugar from dropping and me throwing up.

I did something a little stupid at work today. One of my coworkers is fasting for Ramadan, and the medical director made the comment to me that he couldn't do it. I said that these days I can't but my record in the past was 5 days of only liquids. No idea why I thought that was a good response. He seemed surprised and asked if it was a cleansing thing. That was when I realized how stupid I was. I just shrugged and said it was something like that because I didn't want to say I have an eating disorder and open that can of worms. I don't know what he thought about it, but I am well aware it wasn't a normal thing to say. Oops..

Add to that the new cut on my wrist (which hopefully he didn't notice) and I definitely seem crazy. He may not have noticed, but I think my supervisor did, although he didn't say anything. People have a certain facial expression for when I am looking or acting oddly. I have gotten it before when I had too much caffeine and was being rather manic. Part of me feels like all the important people (manager, supervisor, boss) know something about the self harm now, so why hide it? I am not worrying about visible scars on my arms anymore when sitting at my desk. I don't try to cover ones on my wrist or not picking at my skin. It's probably bad because I am still showing signs they should worry. I know I shouldn't do that because I don't want them to worry. I guess that I know that people should be worried if they knew what was going on, so I don't care? Maybe it's a way to start that conversation, and I am waiting to see who says something.

We had part of our RE-certification at work today. Basically we get tested every few months to make sure we know policies and procedures. This time it was a written test, which was far less awkward than verbal like last 2 times. I think I only missed the question about this month's core value because I really don't pay attention to those emails. Last month was something about team building. This one has something to do with being able to explain our job to customers or coworkers? And we have to make word puzzles and things to explain our company's core values. I was slightly upset that some versions of the test had it as a multiple choice question, but the one I took was short answer. I then spent the rest of the day joking with a coworker about how we're going to fail the test and be fired. I think it's funny because my supervisor used to say (rather often) about how if we were doing something wrong, they can't afford to fire all of us. At the time, that wasn't all that funny because 2 analysts did get fired within just a couple months over mistakes and he kept telling me the things they were getting in trouble over. For example, saying during RE-certification that this analyst didn't have time for looking at all the results.. yeah, that guy deserved what happened. But anyway.. it was funny tonight. I needed a laugh. We still ended up doing nothing (after making our word games) for several hours. I remembered to bring a charger for my phone today, so at least I was able to stare at instagram and such without fear of it dying before the shift ended.