Work

Not a lot to write today. I woke up, went to the liquor store (though I probably had enough for tonight), and got frozen yogurt for lunch before work.

There wasn't much to do. The boss told us some things. A lot I knew because my desk is right next to hers (chief toxicologist) and the medical director. They're adding more drugs to what we test and within a few weeks we will start testing oral fluids (aka spit) in addition to urine. It's going to hopefully more samples.

I am nervous because she says that no one can take time off in July. That means if I do decide to go inpatient, it needs to be now or wait a whole month. I honestly almost talked to her about it, but I wimped out. She doesn't know about the drinking yet. She knows some about the cutting. I might be able to claim I need help just for that and the depression. I probably should talk to my supervisor or the manager first. Of course, my supervisor wasn't there today, and the manager had already left. I don't want to tell the boss and then decide not to go because that will make things weird. Plus, she's the one who could do something like force me to take a leave of absence or suspend me. I don't know what I want to do. I know I need help, but I don't know if I want it. If I don't, I will probably relapse again. If I go inpatient, I also have to tell my parents. I will think about it over the weekend because I definitely wouldn't admit myself during the weekend because it complicates insurance and stuff. If I go, I will probably choose a different place than where I went in February. I don't feel like they handle detox as well based on what I watched. I have gone to another place that did vitals/blood pressure more often, and blood pressure is my main concern. When I went there, they gave me Librium and something for blood pressure (hydrochlorothiazide) and even a prescription for after I discharged. So I think it would be easier there. I only chose the place in February because they have you sort out payment after you admit rather than during the admission process. The better place almost wouldn't take me once because I couldn't pay my deductible all at once.

It's making me feel a bit ashamed how many times/places I have been inpatient. 5 different hospitals and I think 9-10 times. About half were detox and half were depression/suicidal thoughts. That's over almost 9 years though but still that's almost yearly. The number of times is part of why I hesitate to go again. The success record isn't too good. I don't know. I think I will call my sponsor...