A lapse in honesty

I try to be an honest person. I will be the first to admit this is frequently not the case in the past couple years. In sobriety, it somewhat improved. Actually in this relapse, I only lied about how much I was drinking (not counting lying by omission). 

Well, I did something probably bad today... or rather I allowed it to happen. I saw my psychiatrist this morning. I initially did not intend to mention the bulimia, but he asked something about me switching behaviors from drinking to self harm. The behavior switching makes most sense if the eating disorder is included. I mentioned both restricting and binging and purging. SO in my defense, I told him about all the behaviors and even previous dramatic weight loss.

He then brought up the medication Vyvanse (lisdexamphetamine) and its use for binge eating. I actually knew a little about this.  Though mainly I had read about phentermine and binge eating. So I lied about knowing about this.. I had read about stimulants before because I wondered if I could convince a doctor to give them to me. This idea was why my ex sponsor offered to go to my first appointment when I first tried to change psychiatrists because left alone I probably could. He asked if I had taken any before, and I said no. I have though. Somehow my therapist and I convinced a psychiatrist to give me Ritalin (methylphenidate) for fatigue. It made me kinda crazy.. like obsessive and slightly manic, so I stopped taking it. I thought mentioning that would negatively impact my chance of getting the Vyvanse. He asked if I think I might have a little problem with ADHD, and I said maybe. The truth behind this all is I am hoping it will suppress my appetite and help me lose weight. He did comment that it could cause appetite loss, and so if I end up 95 pounds then I can't take it. Seriously? Triggering much?

So I got the prescription. I probably should have called my sponsor before going to the pharmacy. We'll see what happens.

In other news, I had my assessment for IOP. I start Monday. I could have started tomorrow, but I didn't want to start before the weekend. This gives me time to mentally prepare (as much as is possible) for it.. plus a few more days to sleep in. They wanted me in PHP but I really don't think I could handle 5 hours of therapy and then 8 at work. IOP is 3 hours and I get to see my own psychiatrist and therapist. She kept pushing that PHP I would get to see a doctor even though I had said I had a psychiatrist who I saw this morning. I gave up and just said it had to do with my work schedule.

I had dinner with my parents. Now I picked up my prescription and am binging.