Tired

I know I shouldn't complain because I know others may be worse off with regards to this, but I need to vent. I am so tired. When I drank, sleep was not an issue because alcohol + seroquel=blackout or at least sleep. In the hospital, I managed to sleep some nights (the Librium probably helped) and struggled others. I think I managed a few decent nights after discharge, but the past several have been terrible.

Part of the problem is work. I've worked late the past 3 nights. Friday until 2am (schedule is 3:30-12) and then didn't fall asleep until after 5. Saturday I worked until 1:30 and didn't sleep until around 5 again. Tonight I worked until 12:30, and it's 2am and I just got in bed. I also haven't been able to sleep past 10:30-11 despite going to sleep late. Tonight the issue is that I have to be at my first day of IOP at 8. I don't think IOP is a good idea. When I realized that most nights I at best work until around midnight, and I have to be at IOP 9 hours later. That means I pretty much need to go straight to bed when I get home, and that's pretty much impossible. I need some down time.

I also realized with IOP ending at noon and work starting at 3:30, I cannot go to AA if I want to except weekends. I feel like not doing IOP and committing to meetings makes more sense. AA helped before and treatment didn't. The issue is that my parents might get upset if I back out of the original plan and it's too big to lie about. I am thinking of calling and telling the IOP people I am sick and talking to my parents tomorrow, or I could go tomorrow and then Tuesday tell the IOP I can't do it... or maybe I need to give it a week and see if I end up as exhausted as I am expecting. I'm already exhausted, and I am afraid being tired and stressed is going to seem like the perfect excuse to drink.

It's already affecting me. At work, my coworkers got into this discussion about stuff like which shift works more or harder and how unfair it is and how we should be paid more. I said at least 5 times that they needed to change the topic. I finally got up and went downstairs. I found the 2 analysts that were downstairs and basically ranted about it. The thing is that people have gotten in serious trouble over this kind of talk, and I imagine bad things would happen if this discussion was mentioned to the manager. Sure, there are unfair things going on now.. the schedule changes, the working late, a lot of things.. but blaming an entire group for them when really only a few bosses have any power at all only breeds resentment and anger. I do not do well with anger. I was asked later by a coworker if I was upset about working weekends. I calmly said that I had survived several schedule changes without losing my Saturday off, but I knew this could happen. I said they have still been accommodating about another day I need off. She said that I was very calm/cool about it. That isn't entirely true. She just wasn't there when I first found out about working Saturday and started crying in front of the manager (thank god nobody else saw that)

So I don't know anymore. I should probably try to sleep now and maybe I can get 3-4 hours before facing IOP. I think I will go at least once, but I expect it will be better for me to do AA instead and that this schedule is not something I could maintain without eventually breaking down and doing something stupid and self destructive.