I don't know why, but the IOP therapist is off for a few days. I'm not really sure how I feel about the woman filling in for him. Admittedly, we probably got off on the wrong foot because she called yesterday while I was still in bed. I answered when I saw it was the hospital, and it was this therapist I had never met calling about me not being there. I had to explain that I am only coming 3 days a week and had planned that with the usual therapist. I'm not sure if it's his fault for not documenting it or hers for not having read his notes, but I tend to dislike anyone that wakes me up.
I had an appointment with my normal therapist after several weeks without seeing her. I filled her in on inpatient and on work. I probably talked more about work than necessary, but I was avoiding bringing up the fact that I drank Wednesday night. I'm still considering finding another therapist, but I am also trying to decide if I should find a new psychiatrist and I can only handle so much at once. I am concerned that if this doctor will prescribe me Vyvanse (me, with an eating disorder and addictive personality) I can manipulate him into getting other things. I brought it up with the usual IOP therapist on Wednesday and he suggested telling the doctor I'm concerned and see how he reacts. The only problem is I don't really want to give up the Vyvanse.
Anyway, I had IOP today. This substitute therapist is way too talkative and upbeat. She essentially talked for all of the education part of group and all of process time, so nobody really got to talk. It was nice in that I was brainstorming what to talk about to avoid mentioning drinking, but also I probably should have talked about it. She's also going to be there Monday, and I have decided I shouldn't bring it up until the regular therapist is back because my brain has decided that I can't trust her. This is the problem with finding a new therapist. I have trust issues, and there isn't always logic behind who I trust. I have been told I have good instincts about it with most people, but I have a hard time with therapists because you are expected to be honest from the start.
After group, I did some shopping and went to work. Work was about as stressful as usual. My therapist mentioned not trying to shield anyone from my supervisor and how he snaps at people (like asking questions for them so they don't have to talk to him). I did better than usual but probably because it was mostly the newest girl and she was asking dumb questions and I was fed up with everyone for some reason. I only stepped in when nobody else answered. I was depressed and anxious and my supervisor was being an ass as usual. He also wasn't really listening. At one point he started asking what everyone was working on and the lead calmly explained what was going on with the plates. He thanked her but he didn't seem entirely happy that we had all managed to get things done without him being aware of what was happening. Like I think he expected to have to tell us to get to work and was disappointed (in us or himself) that things were going smoothly without his input.
We still left after midnight because of when he finished his QCs. I pulled the list of unclosed cases and told him how many there were. I asked if he wanted to finish QCs first and then found other work to do while waiting. He later asked if I was working on something or could do the new list, and when I couldn't said he could do it himself. His tone made it clear he didn't want to do it, but I didn't respond after saying what I was doing. He still asked us to help, which is why we left at 12:30. I think my anxiety and depression have reached the point where I don't care. I'm honestly a bit suicidal and definitely self destructive. Maybe that's what I need to create better boundaries at work.
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