Work, work, work

Things at work seem to be getting worse rather than better. The weekend involved a lot of complaining. My supervisor came in Saturday and it was worse than usual. There was a problem with the reports not going to the online portal. I was the person who noticed while trying to deal with another problem. He really didn't show any interest in either big problem. He apparently got an upset response when he asked the manager about fixing the portal problem. Although, I don't know what she said. He had offered to help us since we're short staffed but ended up leaving without helping. Now apparently he is working day shift this week to learn about fixing problems and some other stuff. This is good in that he won't be around as much and bad because I hate change and working with a different supervisor is scary.

I had a rough weekend in terms of drinking and blacking out and almost being late to work because I slept late. Today I had a super uncomfortable day at IOP. The substitute therapist was still there and pulled me aside during break after I admitted in group what was going on. We had the dreaded higher level of care discussion where she asked if I needed to go inpatient and I said no. I honestly feel like I won't be that much safer. I also said doing php would probably just mean being more exhausted and less able to cope with work. She was going to talk to the other therapist about it, so I guess I will see what he recommends.

I must say I am not hiding my anxiety well. I have been picking at my skin constantly, even at work. That also means people may see scars on my arms. The boss waved to me as she left today which made my paranoid mind wonder if they have been talking about me or noticing things. Not sure how a wave can make me paranoid, but I have been constantly watching people's facial expressions too.

At least tomorrow I should be able to sleep in. I just hope the therapist doesn't call. I don't want to deal with anything tomorrow. Wednesday I see my psychiatrist and will have to decide how honest to be. I haven't decided.

I did survive the first night with the daytime supervisor. She is so different than my normal supervisor. She helped export, import, and close cases. She had me create a form for her and thanked me enthusiastically. I did have to look up some stuff on how to do some things in Microsoft word that I have never done. She also organized and restocked office supplies. She didn't answer a single one of my questions with "do what you want to do". So it went well until a coworker started talking about getting a warning for some minor mistakes. I have only had one  mistake brought up on a closed report, and it wasn't a warning (and honestly I have no clue what I did wrong and neither did anyone else I asked), and I haven't been written up. I still panic when it happens to anyone else because consequences are pretty serious for any mistakes, and people gossip and discuss everything that happens. So after that I went back to being anxious and worrying if the supervisor was doing things because she thought I was lazy. We did get to leave before midnight. Hopefully tomorrow will be ok. Supposedly, she is also working at night to see how things could go more smoothly. I am kinda hoping my supervisor also snaps at some people while the manager is around, but he's probably on his best behavior around her. I wonder if she really believes us about how he acts. Some people are considering talking to her, but it's not like it helped before.