Breathalyzer

You're probably all aware that I make poor choices and that my priorities are pretty fucked up.. so this won't seem too surprising.

I got off work at midnight and started drinking when I got home. I had 8-10 drinks, which is less than usual but probably still a lot to most people. I stayed up until 3ish, knowing that I had IOP today at 9. That is why I drank less.

I got up after briefly debating staying home and skipping group. I knew I wasn't fully sober yet and that maybe I shouldn't drive. I decided it would be fine.

I got to iop safely. The drive was fine, and I was tired but alert. The usual therapist is back. After a couple people processed, he asked how I was doing and said I didn't look well. I had noticed him watching me and we had awkwardly made eye contact a couple times. He asked if I had been drinking. I don't know if the other therapist had talked to him. I said yes. He then asked several other questions like when I relapsed, when was my last drink, and how much I drank. I was honest. He said the nurse would have to do a breathalyzer. He recommended rehab or inpatient. I said I wasn't interested in either.

The nurse pulled me out of group. She said she would need to breathalyze me and I asked what would happen after. She said if I was drunk they would take my keys, and if I tried to leave call the police. I would have to stay until my blood alcohol was zero or have someone pick me up. I did the test and it was .06, which is not legally intoxicated. I was a little frustrated giving her my keys since I can technically legally drive with that, but it wasn't worth arguing. She talked about treatment options. I was upset because she commented on the scars on my arms and pulled my sleeve up, which made me super uncomfortable. I don't like being touched by strangers. She was asking about the spots I've picked at. I get that she's a nurse and so was concerned something is wrong with my skin. I gave her my keys and went back to group. I realized later that I wish people understood and what I should probably explain about my skin is the idea of cause and effect they have is wrong. While I will pick at bumps like hives or bug bites, I also pick at spots, scabs, pores, and hair follicles. That means I don't necessarily pick at my skin because of the bumps. I generally have bumps and scabs because I pick, so I wish they would just leave it alone and not ask so many questions. I am self conscious enough already.

My current plan is to stay through lunch and the hour after (which is normally just for people doing php) and then hopefully my blood alcohol will be zero. If not I guess I will try to get a ride. I'm already super embarrassed about this. I know it's my own fault for coming to group not sober. I feel more sober now than when I got here. After break, the therapist asked about the test and asked if I needed some water, so I am wondering if I look ill. He seemed concerned. I gave some feedback during process group that seemed well received, so I hope he realizes that I am motivated or at least trying. The program director also talked to me about whether I was willing to do detox and if I am willing/able not to drink while doing iop. I said I would try. I know I at least need to come to group sober Friday. I feel like a pretty terrible person right now. I know that I've made poor choices lately. I am supposed to see my psychiatrist later, and I am so tempted to cancel so I don't have to talk about what's going on. I don't know if I have enough meds to put off seeing him though, and I do wonder if changing meds could help. For now I am focusing on surviving the next hour and a half and hopefully getting my keys back.

**Edited** adding to this instead of another post. I managed the next couple hours. I talked more in group, and it was really hard. The therapist talked about his concern for me and asked about my plans for if I don't go inpatient or residential. He talked about withdrawal. He talked about my excuse being work which is also my major stress. He's right. I didn't tell him that I don't know if I want to live sometimes, so I definitely don't know if I want to stay sober. After group, the nurse did the breathalyzer again and it thankfully said zero, so I got my keys and left. I stopped for lunch, and out of nowhere started to feel terrified. The words anxious or fearful don't do justice to this feeling. I don't know what it's about exactly. I don't know if I am terrified of the drinking or sobriety or life or myself, but I honestly considered going back to the hospital because I know I had the brief thought that I was scared what I might do. It was this sort of fear of the future that makes me feel like I must do something to make it stop. For now, I am buying vodka. I see my psychiatrist in a little over an hour, which is probably good. I will try to be honest and hope this feeling passes. I know I could (and probably should) call someone, but I can very much tell that my brain doesn't want me to tell anyone because I don't want to talk about it or even think about whatever scares me. I have felt this before and generally fixed it with alcohol or food. I was going to go home and clean later, but I will probably just lock myself in my apartment and drink until I black out. It sounds like a better plan.

Editing again... psych appointment went well. I didn't tell him that I was worried about manipulating him, but I was honest. I corrected the lie from last time about never being prescribed stimulants, and I explained about the time I was on Ritalin and how it made me really agitated. I didn't ask him to continue/stop/change anything and just answered questions honestly and let him decide what to do. He ended up increasing the Vyvanse because it has been wearing off at night. He also added some new antidepressant to try to help my anxiety. He showed me some article that discusses major depressive disorder with mixed features as being a new thing in the DSM 5. It's basically major depression with something like hypomania and this increasing difficulty to treat, suicide attempts, substance abuse, etc. It sounds like me. I think this came up because I spent the appointment staring at my hands and picking at it and he commented on me being very agitated. I have had other doctors discuss the possibility of me being bipolar, but I've never really been manic. I just have a lot of anxiety and nervous energy. So he's trying me on Zoloft and Latuda (not sure if that's spelled right). I still wish I could get actual anxiety meds, but I am willing to try this instead of trying to get benzos. I'm kinda proud of myself for that and for being honest. I go back in 3 weeks to see if it's helping. I got home and thought over the appointment to see if I missed any lies, and I don't think I did. I decided I am going to ask to do another week of iop instead of discharge Friday, so I have support while I try the new meds. I am less terrified now. I am drinking, but I feel a bit better.