I have been making a lot of poor decisions lately. I cut deep enough last night I probably should have gotten stitches. Thankfully, the new wound closure strips work well. I also twice this week have consumed alcohol at work.
Well, tonight my supervisor asked to speak with me. It was around 9pm, so I had been there over 6 hours. I had earlier bought a cherry flavored water and dumped one of those tiny bottles of vodka in it. I drank this at work to help with the shaking. Anyway, my supervisor said someone had mentioned smelling alcohol on me. I don't know if he meant tonight or another night, and I didn't ask because I figured silence was less incriminating. He said he was sending me home and that we would have to have a sit down talk with the manager but they hadn't gone to HR yet. When I asked what would happen, he said he didn't know.
I spent a minute sitting there after. I asked if I could tell him the rest of what's going on because I thought it would seem better if he knew and maybe I would get more sympathy. We went in the conference room. I told him about the depression and the cutting. I talked about the medication and my psychiatrist appointment. I blamed the latuda for me oversleeping Monday. I mentioned how I have been considering treatment but didn't think I should take time off since we are short staffed and busy and I didn't want anyone to get upset about it. He said I need to take care of myself and nobody would be upset if I did what I need to to take care of myself. He said it might be a good compromise in dealing with this situation. Like it would be better if I could show I was getting help. He said he's worried about me. He didn't want me to drive home because I was shaking so badly. I finally convinced him that I would be ok. He said he didn't smell alcohol on me, and I said the shaking would only get worse if I waited. I asked him about the weekend and he said he had to ask the manager if I should work. I agreed to text him when I got home, so he would know I got there safely. I packed up and left.
I am home safe, and he texted that the manager does want me to work tomorrow, which I think is a good sign? I am still terrified. This job is my life. I know I need help and really this job is why I haven't. I know I need to quit drinking and that I am rather suicidal (I didn't say that talking to him). I am willing to go inpatient again, especially if it will save my job. I don't know about the talk. I wish I knew when I supposedly smelled like alcohol because I would like to be able to make an excuse. I really have never been intoxicated at work. I limit my drinks to 1-2 in the daytime to postpone withdrawal.. I don't think I should say it like that. I do keep thinking they have no actual proof I have been drinking before or at work. However, I think saying that will only make them upset. I told him he can tell the manager the rest of what I told him. If he doesn't, I will probably bring it up. I am tempted to turn up Monday without bandage on my arm because it is really ugly. My left one is yellow all around the cuts? I'm hoping bruising not infection. I cleaned it and both have nice bandages on them now.
I am debating where to go inpatient. Do I go to the one near me? I don't really like it. Do I go to the same as last time? If the cafeteria staff recognize me, I will probably be too mortified to eat after that tech made them apologize for giving me grief about the vegetarian meals. There's one other option, but that places awful food was what I blame for my relapse into bulimia years ago because all I ate was chips because the meals were awful. I have the weekend to think I guess, and I told my supervisor that I wouldn't go until next week because I need to make arrangements for the cats. Plus, I probably have to have this talk first.. I guess that will be Monday since the manager and supervisors don't work weekends. I am hoping it the weekend goes well, things will be calmer by the time it happens. I know I was sent home because they are afraid that I would make mistakes, and if I haven't made any that can be part of my defense. I will probably either say I don't want to admit to anything but can swear I haven't been drunk at work or admit to having a drink before work to minimize the withdrawal which makes driving/walking/everything difficult. I don't know. I probably will end up going to detox though and maybe can just say I have a problem and need help. I will say that I was afraid they would be angry if I asked for time off because it's true and might make it clear how much I care about my job. I mean I have been suicidal and decided I would rather risk dying than miss work and inconvenience them. That's pretty devoted in a fucked up way. Plus the stress of work is what led to me cutting again. So yeah. That's what happened. Judge me if you want to.
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