Waiting and waiting

Seriously, what is going on with my job?

Today I went to work early because that was what my supervisor was what my supervisor asked for yesterday. It was a weird day. There were people taking tours of the building, and I was not at my usual desk since I came in early. I was facing the people walking by. This included tours where I tried to seem happy and the HR guy who kept walking by.

I hoped that someone would mention meeting about the drinking. Then the manager left, and the boss left. I was left wanting to cry. I worked another day not knowing if I would be fired. I don't work again until Friday. I couldn't say anything to the HR guy because I don't know how much I am supposed to know. My supervisor texted me after the manager left that we probably wouldn't be meeting that day. I later said that I would be willing to come in on my day off to find out what's happening. I was trying to get him to understand that maybe he should mention it to someone.

I did survive work. I then went home to drink and cut myself bad enough that I may need stitches. I will decide in the morning. I lied (sort of) and told my parents I didn't meet with people about medical leave because of the meetings and tours.. it's kinda true. I haven't mentioned the accusation of smelling of alcohol or that side of the story. I really hope they ask me to come in tomorrow so I can know. I know I need treatment, but I don't want to nag anyone or influence the decision. I care most about keeping my job. If that ends up meaning I shouldn't take time off for treatment, I will choose work. I know that's fucked up, but this job has become my life. I know if I get fired I may kill myself..  so I will wait. I will work as scheduled and wait and see what happens.

My supervisor joked via text that maybe they would forget about all this (meeting with me, warning me, firing me). I didn't find it funny. If they forget, I go back to questioning if I value my job and not inconveniencing anyone by taking time off or my life by getting help I clearly need. I don't know if he truly understands that this may be a life or death situation for me. I know I cannot live this way. I make stupid drunken choices like cutting deeply enough to consider stitches. Even driving sober I worry about the tremors and twitches affecting the foot on the brake pedal. I don't know that anyone realizes that I frequently think it would be better if I didn't wake up.

So I wait. I don't know. I wonder if my life is redeemable. I wonder if I am too far gone. I HOPE someone realizes that I need help and maybe that I am no longer sane enough to request time off work. I no longer value my life more than my job, so I need permission. Yes, I realize that isn't normal, but it's true. I care more about what people think of me than if I live.

Sorry. I am not writing this sober, but I know it's true. I will let you know when a decision is made.