Pocket shots and meetings

Today started poorly. I woke up to 2 texts from my coworker before 9am. The first about a policy change. The second was that they are going to train us to take client calls. I had a sinking feeling. My first thought was to get up and swallow any pills I could find. I decided my apartment is too messy to kill myself, so I put my phone on silent and tried to sleep. It didn't work because my apartment complex was doing something that really sounded like someone was in the apartment. I think it was outside my front door, but I panicked and tried to remember if I deadbolted the door. I made myself decent and looked in the living room. No one. I went back to bed with my heart still racing.

Eventually I got up and drove to go to therapy. I stopped at a liquor store. I bought a bottle of vodka and a pocket shot of cherry vodka. I tucked it in my purse. Therapy was mostly about work. She approved of my idea to talk to the manager. I also asked if I could come weekly instead of every 2 weeks. This was a goal from iop.. to either change therapist or ask for more help. She happily agreed and while she is gone next week, after that I am scheduled weekly.

I then had a work meeting. I had to call and listen on speaker phone since I wasn't there. I didn't have time to drive to my parent's house, so I did this in my car (parked not driving). It was about the move and the scheduled date is the 22ND. We got details. They talked about the new policy, which I actually am happy with. Then some stuff about reruns and the client calls. It doesn't sound definite, and they did say they would train us. Still unhappy about it but not panicked.

I went to my parent's house. I texted the manager and asked to talk to her before work tomorrow. I am actually proud of the next 2 things. I asked my parents to go with me to find the new building, so I would know how to get there. I get very stressed driving new places, and I am so relieved to have my dad drive and help me. We also got on the topic of my car registration being expired. I admitted to being terrified of getting it inspected (for no logical reason), and they offered to go with me next week. I never admit these kind of problems to them. They know that I have anxiety but not the specifics. We also talked at dinner about going to a casino in Oklahoma. I mentioned wanting to go after they talked about some trips they are taking. They said we could go sometime if I get a couple days off since I would never go alone. We discussed various games and things about gambling. 

They got into an argument in the car. I honestly agreed with my mom but decided to stick with boundaries and say nothing. I knew she was upset though, so as soon as we got home I asked if she wanted to take the dog for a walk. We had earlier discussed the dog needing exercise. She said yes and we did. We didn't talk about the argument. We talked about the dog and flowers and random things. The dog had a great time. Afterwards, I finished gathering my things and said goodbye. I think I handled this well. My mom was much less upset after the walk. No idea if they continued to argue after I left, but I showed support I think.

Driving home I began obsessing over the conversation with the manager tomorrow. I know what I want to say but not how. I want it to be about me and possibly the other analysts. I don't want it to be just bitching about my supervisor.

I think it should go like this

I have been debating all week about talking to you because I don't want to waste your time. Over the past couple weeks my anxiety has been increasing so much. Some of it isn't about work but a lot of it is.
I am worried about what people think about me. I worry I am slow. I worry that they think I'm lazy. I worry about making mistakes. I worry I have made mistakes. I worry about other people's mistakes.
The atmosphere has gotten so negative at night. People talk about mistakes and fear. They talk about how much work we will have. My supervisor randomly mentions how many samples we have and if we can do them.
What I may say? We try to ask questions and get no answer or snapped at. We have to manage to decide what gets done and when without guidance. He talks about feeling guilty for doing nothing but offers nothing to do, which implies we're all guilty. People focus on mistakes. They focus on whether we will end up closing his QCs and how he will respond.

I told my therapist that I end up feeling bad because we leave late when he's there, so on weekends people want to leave early and I have to say we should do more work because we can be in trouble if we left before midnight when we could do more. They pressure to close the pull when he's still working. They pressure to leave and let the morning do things since they left early. The problem is that I don't want anyone to get in trouble for this talk when he is the one creating this environment.

I drove home also thinking of driving my car into a barrier.. so clearly depressed. I don't know what to say about that.. either in iop of with the manager. I don't know if she's noticed all the spots I've picked at. Some look bloody some might be infected (minor). I considered buying foundation to cover them, but I don't think it will work. I don't know if I should mention drinking. I tend to sum this all up as I am coping with things in unhealthy ways, and I can elaborate if she asks. If she looks at my skin and thinks I am on drugs (doubt this would happen) I can blame the Vyvanse since it is an amphetamine and may well be making things worse.

So wish me luck. I will update tomorrow with what actually happens. I really can't predict what will come out of my mouth. I also have my last day of iop and can at least say I accomplished these 2 goals. I am hoping to get advice about the manager situation and maybe rehearse. Honestly, I am hoping my appearance and behavior are enough to show that I am unwell because then maybe she will understand this is about me and not the supervisor. If she asks how to help, I don't expect help, but maybe in iop they have some ideas. Until then, I am drinking and trying not to self destruct.