Awkward conversations x 2

Today was awkward? Bad? Weird? Dena vu?

It was my last day at IOP. I did something stupid but honest. The daily check-in sheet has a place to check if you're thinking of harming yourself or someone else. I have been checking no because I haven't been cutting even though I want to. I have been thinking more about suicide than I admit. I did cut last night. I didn't mention this in group which is the stupid part. It didn't help that the therapist asked if I was tired and when I said I stayed up late. His response was "Drinking?" And said my eyes looked puffy. So I told him the good things about talking to my therapist and planning to talk to the manager at work. I skipped the bad. The education topic was grounding, and I did talk about it. I didn't admit that by now the bandage had come loose on my arm and I was debating if I needed stitches or should show him. I chose not to. I spent the break reading about gluing it closed but decided that wouldn't work since I would have to do it one handed with tremors.

As I was leaving, he stopped me and said something about how he had hopes for me. He doesn't like when people leave while still drinking/using. He said if I need it I can come back and be RE-assessed and wished me well.

I went to Walmart in search of first aid supplies and a scrub top that didn't make me feel as fat. While there, the therapist called. I answered and could barely hear. I told him that I was shopping, ditched my cart, and went outside. He said he saw that I was thinking of harming myself. I admitted to cutting and having bad thoughts but no plans. He asked what happened to make it worse but I didn't really know. He asked what my plan was if things get worse. I said I can always text or call my therapist. I was trying to think of answers that wouldn't inspire him to call someone or something. He seemed to accept it and asked what I was buying at Walmart. I was an honest idiot and said first aid supplies because I was stressed about it. He said "For self harm?" I assured him it was for what happened last night and not anything in the future.

I went back in and bought the stuff. I managed to sit in my car and improvise a way of keeping it closed since I may have mentioned butterfly closures never work for me. I used the tiny scissors on my pocket knife to cut a bandaid to close it and the tape to cover everything. This worked so no stitches.

I was shaking at that point and wasn't sure if it was withdrawal, low blood sugar, or adrenaline. I decided to fix all of the above. First came the liquor store. The one I go to does tastings, and I decided this was a great excuse to drink. I had a sample of wine, which I actually bought because it was pretty delicious. I bought a handle of vodka and 2 pocket shots. I then went to Target. I drank one pocket shot. I bought a diet coke and snack for work and mostly wandered.

I was early to work (earlier than planned) and spent a while in my car. I went inside and waited for the manager to finish an email. This was kinda awkward. We looked for somewhere to talk and went to the attic above the warehouse but she decided people might hear us, so we went outside.

It didn't go as planned but wasn't surprising. She kept fishing for more info and saying if I wasn't totally honest she couldn't do anything. We talked about the supervisor. I explained anything I could think of that he's done and its effects. I said people are anxious and she wanted to know why they worry about making mistakes since we don't have a lot to do and can therefore go slower. I had to think. I said for me and for no logical reason I am convinced I have made one but my supervisor hasn't told me. I said for the others I don't know other than just the atmosphere.

I did end up mentioning the texts. She didn't understand the point of being told what work there is before we get there. She did ask who sends it, and I told her. I did say a lot of it is complaining. I said that is not the person who started this and that I am late being involved and had no idea how this started. She said to ask not to be involved, which I did, and I hope she won't bring it up with anyone.

I also mentioned the complaining. I didn't explain every topic. I didn't say who. I said a lot was the supervisor but did mention some other things. After explaining my stress, the eventual conclusion was that work may be stressful, which I understand, but that non-work at work shouldn't be my problem. This concluded with her saying she knew what she needed to do.

She and the daytime supervisor pulled mine aside. I don't know what happened. He was suddenly nice to us. He didn't really change his behavior. It was a stressful night.

The Deja Vu is that this has happened before. Problems with the supervisor. Problems with gossip. Problems admittedly with the trainee and her attitude, which happened with someone before.

Now I am home and drinking because I am tired and this didn't make me less stressed. I didn't tell her about how poorly I am handling it. I don't know if anyone saw the bandage on my arm. I don't care for now. I don't know what will happen next. I am not sure I want to know. Tonight I am drinking and pretending none of this is happening.