Up and down and paranoia

I have had a very mixed day. I didn't work today. I started with iop, and I knew before going it was going to be hard. I have resigned myself to being a disappointment. I am supposed to discharge Friday, and I am still drinking. My mood is worse than when I started. I could ask to stay longer, but I feel it's damaging to other patients who have motivation. So I went in knowing that it would be the same questions about my plans and the therapist expressing his same fears for me. He said something before we processed about it being hard to set boundaries with patients. I can tell he cares and is legitimately concerned for me. I still felt really depressed and detached.

We did an activity where we made a timeline of our lives with the 3 high points and 3 low points. It was pointed out that I left out my childhood. I sometimes feel like I remember less of my childhood than I should. I remember bits and I said I remember always being anxious or sad. I didn't go into a lot I do remember because I'm discharging soon and it seemed a bad idea to try to explain my dysfunctional family and bullying and being lonely in the 10 minutes before break. So I stuck with high school, college, and grad school. It was awkward because there was a new patient who went on about how being accepted to grad school (a high point I said I originally listed as low) was amazing. He wasn't there when I explained the rest of school and how my life fell apart. I also talked about my freshman year of college when I was off meds, not in therapy, but happy. A patient commented on how I was happy without meds and the therapist reminded him that I followed that memory with "and then everything went to hell"... because then I became bulimic and soon ended up in a psych ward.

So then it was process group. The therapist mentioned to the other patients that I discharge Friday. Then he shared with me his fears.. which are basically that I am drinking and depressed and choosing a job that is my major stress. And basically not doing anything about this. I agreed and validated his concerns. I am still hoping to find a new therapist or go more frequently. I am trying new meds but legitimately having trouble keeping up with so many. I talked to my supervisor but not to anyone about him. By this point I felt very detached. I used to basically dissociate in therapy so I could lie and get through with no feelings. This was almost like that. I distanced myself to where I could hear what was said but not feel. I think it was pretty obvious because he ended with asking details about my plans for the day and if I was ok to leave. I was going to my parent's house, and I said that. I didn't say how hopeless I felt.

I admittedly was also distracted. I was very aware of this humming/buzzing sound that I could not decide if it was the lights or something or in my head. I also did see the little light flies at one point. I decided I was dehydrated because I was so overwhelmingly aware of being thirsty before break and my mouth got really dry after. I think that is my meds. I think that the alcohol withdrawal is making me something of a hypochondriac. I didn't want to tell anyone and have them decide I needed to go to a hospital. I also convinced myself I might be getting sick and might have something wrong with my eye.

After group, I went to my parent's house. I didn't feel well. I think my throat hurts from either being dehydrated or throwing up yesterday. I didn't stop for something to drink, so I got to the house and before leaving asked if I could take a pill. I took a gabapentin and downed a glass of water saying how thirsty I was. I don't know if that was odd.. I didn't mention what I took, but technically it was prescribed 3 times a day, which would mean around lunchtime.

I went to lunch with my mom. I had a taco salad sort of thing and she had a different salad. We then went to an outlet mall. We walked probably a couple miles (my Garmin on the way to dinner said 2.8 for the day) and went to at least a dozen stores. She bought me a cardigan and boxer shorts (I wear them as pjs) at the Gap outlet. I bought her a tee at the Lucky brand outlet. They were buy one get one half off, and I thought it would be nice to pay. Then I bought a cute scrub top with skulls on it at this uniform store. She also bought an electric kettle at a kitchen store. We went to several other stores without buying anything. We talked about her work/retirement, my work, my dad, and various things. It was actually nice. I felt a bit off physically and was happy when we bought a bottle of water half way around.. it's basically a giant circle of stores.

We stopped for a diet coke after and went back to their house. We played with our dog (I still think of her as ours even though I don't live there). This dog was so terrified of everything and everyone when we got her. It was the summer between graduating high school and college. She went to a special trainer where I remember her being scared of treats that were near a toy. She had to be carried into the yard because she wouldn't walk through the door. Today she rushed passed my mom into the yard. She chased treats we threw. She nuzzled my leg after being brushed. I know this is many years later and she's been happy and acting this way for years, but I am still occasionally struck by the transformation. She's getting old (we got her in 2004) and I love to see the happy, spoiled dog that came from the terrified thing we adopted. Sorry, that was a tangent, but it really brightened my day when she rubbed her head against my leg.

We went to dinner. I was a bit paranoid that they were looking at me strangely. I later decided that perhaps this is because I so rarely make eye contact with people anymore. At group, I can manage a few seconds before looking at myself or the floor. I think when I try to have a whole conversation that the unfamiliarity of that connection feels strange. I could be wrong. They could be thinking that I am crazy, but I think this might be mostly me.

I had dinner and then went home. I stopped at this tiny liquor store by their house. The guy welcomed me (called me beautiful lady) and when I checked out said he hadn't seen me lately. That was awkward. I just said I hadn't been around. I have previously told him I don't live around there.. I think he asked? He's the talkative type, and I am awkward. So yeah.. that was weird. Also they don't sell my usual vodka, so I am drinking something slightly more expensive tonight. I couldn't handle the big liquor store near them (same chain as in my town), and this was the next safest choice. I know I need to stop. I drove home and several times on the highway thought I am not sure I want to live. I think of the part in the book Wasted where she talks about how life is too long a time... and I can't remember the rest, but it sums it up. I never expected to be 29.. honestly thought I'd die by 18, so everything since has been a challenge. I don't know what I want. I didn't really make goals for the next ___ years because I always assumed I would be dead. I will be 30 in September. I think that's part of the problem. I cannot believe that I am expected to live 30, 40, 50, 60 more years of this shit. Just not.