Reassurance

So I went to work today. I texted my therapist and told her about yesterday (see last post) and possibly going inpatient. She thinks it's a good idea. She said some reassuring things about my work ethic and that being why they won't fire me. My supervisor came in for a little while. I told him my therapist agreed with my idea about inpatient if the manager agrees. He said we would talk Monday and the manager hadn't mentioned it since I guess when she said I should work the weekend. I think that's a good sign?

I still kept obsessing. Around 11 I asked a woman who I know from school and work if I could talk to her. I just needed some reassurance, and she is the one I have talked to about the drinking besides the supervisor and manager. I trust she wouldn't gossip and that she wasn't the one who told him I smelled like alcohol because I think she would have gone to me directly first.

So we went to a room where nobody could hear. I asked if she knew why I left early yesterday (this was also to see if she was the one who told him). She said she didn't and thought I left because I had counseling early today. I told her what happened. I basically said I was possibly in trouble but didn't think they could fire me based on one person's claim that I smelled like alcohol. She agreed. I talked about how he told me but that they wanted me working the weekend, so we agreed that sending me home was probably policy. I said I have made no mistakes, I have never been written up, and while Monday was the worst possible day to be late I have never been late before. We talked about work and how the stress is affecting both of us. She agrees I should get help if they offer me time off. I felt better after because I really needed someone to agree that this one statement was not evidence enough to fire me and that they wouldn't let me work the weekend if they thought the quality of my work is bad. She said it was really shitty for him to tell me this and expect me to work two more days before the talk with the manager. It should either have happened sooner or not been mentioned until Monday because he knows I am anxious and stressed and depressed and this would make that worse.

I didn't admit to drinking before work in the conversation. I do acknowledge it is unhealthy and unethical. However, I would never go to work if I thought I wasn't thinking clearly or was making errors and impacting patients lives. I know myself well enough and understand what can happen to someone if a report is wrong. I am constantly afraid of making mistakes and being that person that gets someone kicked out of rehab for a false positive.

So I understand that I did something wrong. I also know I might kill myself if I lost this job. I mean the job itself has made me consider suicide on multiple occasions. I probably shouldn't say that to them. I mean one of those group texts I woke up to and my first idea was to swallow a bottle of seroquel.. I might say that as a sign I need help. I am so careful with my work. I also haven't gotten the help I know I need because I didn't want to inconvenience them.

So obviously I am still obsessing, but I feel a bit better now that someone has agreed they don't have evidence or cause to fire me. She agrees that me working the weekend is a good sign. I emailed my mom about possibly going inpatient and them watching the grandkittens. I lied a bit and said this was about sorting out my meds. I didn't mention drinking and only said I would talk to the bosses at work Monday. I don't want to tell them that they said something about my drinking, and honestly I am on 6 meds that aren't working and need to get back to less meds and probably it's safest to do in a hospital. 7 medications is fucking ridiculous (levothyroxine, Zoloft, wellbutrin, depakote, seroquel, Latuda, Vyvanse). My psychiatrist doesn't want to deal with me. I am cutting and that needs to stop. I'm a mess even if you ignore the drinking. However, I am honestly scared if I stop drinking that I will get worse and kill myself. The idea is pretty appealing.

Hopefully, Monday won't be terrible. I hope that they will agree to let me take time off, get help, and come back sober. I am willing to be sober for this job, but I honestly am scared of detox if I don't have help. I am willing to go to meetings, have to fucking breathe on them to show I don't smell of alcohol. I will do whatever because this is my life. I am willing to tell them I am suicidal and self destructive and that work is my main stressor. I have had more than one therapist suggest that I take medical leave because all I talk about is work stress.

So if you have any reassuring comments or advice, I could probably use it. Tomorrow is going to be busy, and I am still waiting to have this stupid talk.