Sinking

So my mood took a dive after my last post. IOP was hard. I talked about work and somehow explaining it made it all seem hopeless. He asked if I was willing to do something, but there's little I can do. Quitting is not an option. I need the money. I can't change other people. I did mention talking to the manager. They seemed to like that idea. Then I ended up listening to them (therapist and patients) express concern about me. A patient said she hates to see me like this. I left hating myself. 

I didn't plan to go to the liquor store. I went looking for makeup to maybe hide some places my skin looks awful. Then I got a group text about something with them cleaning off people's desks. I really don't know.. but my thought was basically fuck it. I hate this. I went to the liquor store and then to work. 

It was unpleasant. I didn't have the guts to talk to the manager. I do still feel I got some weird looks from people. I put concealer on the big spots on my neck and wore a 3/4 sleeve tee under my scrubs to cover my upper arms, but I have big patches on my face that I picked at. I really hope they don't think I'm on drugs. 

My supervisor said nothing about the weekend. However, he asked if we missed him more than once (we kinda ignored that). He asked what it was like working with the other supervisor. My coworker said it was different. He joked that he didn't want to know how, but you could tell he was bothered. There was more like that. 

We also talked about pharmacies. My supervisor worked at one. He gave my coworker advice about getting a medication. She and I discussed the awkward pharmacist who works at the pharmacy at night. I like him because he's as bad at eye contact and small talk as I am. My supervisor and I discussed how he's better than the weird cashiers. I did however talk about picking up prescriptions and it probably was strange. I mentioned one I dropped off that I had a coupon for but the coupon may not have been put in correctly. My supervisor mentioned that sometimes they fill it early so it won't work. I said it was a dated prescription.. Vyvanse is a controlled substance so it's even more regulated. Anyway.. it was probably a conversation I should have stayed out of. I also mentioned having a blog after my coworker told him he should start a YouTube channel after he joked he'd like to quit and just repair lawnmowers (not really appropriate at work?). She asked about the blog, and I said I only let strangers read it. Thankfully nobody asked more. 

After a while my mood felt like I was sinking. I curled up in my desk chair hugging my knees, which probably isn't normal office behavior. I then went to the conference room sat in a corner and stared at the wall. I almost cried. I was pretty numb after that. I did my work. I curled up in my chair. I just feel utterly hopeless. It seems like iop feels like everyone has given up on me, and I don't care. I don't care. I've given up too. I am beyond stressed. My apartment is a mess. I'm a mess. I really don't know how to fix this. 

And yet.. I emailed my mom about going shopping Wednesday. I sent her a picture of Nermal and joked a bit. It feels fake, but I want some normalcy? So here is a picture of Nermal and her reflection. Hopefully this works because I can never get pictures to upload from my phone.