Shrug

Today I went to work despite Wednesday being my day off. I felt like if others worked on their days off, I should work on mine. I have been listening to Madness by Marya Hornbacher on my phone and I think it's making things worse. So much of that book is my life. The drinking, the meds, the hospitalization is me. So probably I shouldn't be listening to it at work.

Today especially, I felt off. I cut the night before so had a bandage on my arm. It was deep enough to be concerning, and it was a place on my arm that I could not hide. I didn't intend for it to be visible, but I decided I would rather have a visible bandage than visible cuts.

At some point, I was walking to the restroom. My supervisor asked how I was doing. I shrugged because I couldn't just say bad. He said he had noticed. He asked if he could help. I said no. I mentioned struggling with taking my meds and seeing my doctor tomorrow. I didn't mention drinking because I am afraid of anyone mentioning me coming to work drunk. I didn't mention the cutting, but I assume it's obvious since I have not tried to hide bandages.

I finished the night. I didn't say anything else. I considered it, but I don't know what it would accomplish. I want to have permission to take time off to get help, but we are so short handed. I don't think it would be well received. I would rather they not know if I can't get treatment. I would rather just die. I am not willing to say I am suicidal because I am not sure I am? I am not willing to say I am self destructive because I am not willing to stop.

I really considered telling my supervisor something, but I don't know what to say. I have my psychiatrist did therapist tomorrow. I hope they can help.