Psychiatrists suck

Today I had both a psychiatrist appointment and therapy, which makes for a crappy day.

The psychiatrist appointment was bad. He basically said he will continue to prescribe my Vyvanse, but he isn't going to try to treat the depression if I keep drinking. I explained that I am having trouble keeping up with 7 medications. I said I forget to take the latuda since I am supposed to take it several hours before bed. He wants me to increase the Zoloft. I think I was supposed to already but forgot. He also said that if he were in my situation, he would quit my job and move back in with my parents. Not exactly helpful. So I left feeling terrible.

I didn't make a follow up appointment. I talked about it with my therapist, and I am going to find another doctor or for now go back to my old one. He dealt more with addiction and was less of an ass about it. He just didn't listen well.

I told my therapist about being late to work Monday. I also said that my supervisor asked how I was doing yesterday.. and said he had noticed that I wasn't doing well. I still am not sure if he was referring to Monday or to me coming to work with bandages on my arms that my scrubs didn't cover. We have never actually discussed the cutting, but I think people know. I know he knew I had to get stitches that time, and I know he told some people. I think even though it wasn't discussed, the story probably implies self harm. I debated if saying more yesterday would worry him more or less. I don't see a point if he can't help.

Therapy was also rough. I talked about feeling hopeless. I talked about the belief I have had for a long time that I shouldn't make goals for life because I never expected to live this long. I brought up the bit in Wasted where she talks about thinking that life is too long a time. I still feel that way. I talked about being ashamed of how many times I have been in the hospital and how I feel like I'm going to end up back there. I feel like past a certain number of times, I go from seeming "sick" (the way people say depression is just an illness like diabetes) to seeming crazy. I mean I think of myself as "crazy" because I hate the word sick. Somehow though, it's different for other people to think of me as crazy. I worry if I ever actually mention the cutting, they will see me as crazy. Somehow that behavior seems worse than the drinking. Most people have known alcoholics. I'm rambling, but this has been on my mind. My therapist suggested I listen to something other than the book Madness at work. Probably a good idea because that's what got me thinking about the hospital thing again. When she lists the times she was in hospital, it reminds me of the first time I was in a psych ward. My psychiatrist there said that I would probably end up having to go inpatient periodically. She had diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, which I don't think I have (and haven't been diagnosed as since). I think it was because I was a tad defiant at the time and prone to arguing with her. There was a book that they took away that I repeatedly argued with her about getting back. I have grown up a bit since then. I also know better than to read books about suicide in day treatment. I have also never been able to find a copy of that book again.

In other news, I spent a fair amount of money on first aid supplies today. I got more non stick pads and tape, adhesive gauze pads to keep in my purse, and a different kind of wound closure since I hate the butterfly ones. Now I have a waterproof bandage on one arm and wound closures with a non stick pad and tape on the other.. honestly I might need stitches if that doesn't hold. I am hoping the new closures hold because as of now the cut is closed, but the question is will it stay closed and heal. I am obviously not doing well.