Just bad

I have not been doing well. I have kind of given up on doing well.

So Monday was the first day our company worked at the new building. Well, our department was there at least. Not everyone has moved. Well I woke up around 3:45 to a call from my supervisor asking if I was ok since obviously I wasn't there. I said I had just woken up. I ended up being about an hour late. Nobody said anything about it, so I don't know how badly this was received. I got there and worked until almost 2am, so I made up the missed time. I got a bit disoriented leaving because I hadn't driven in that area at night. I was pretty scattered when I got home.

Today I managed to get up, go to the liquor store, and I still was at work on time. I took a pocket shot to drink on lunch. I have only done that once before. I was listening to the book Madness on my phone and between that and work stuff (too complicated to explain) I was not in a good head space. I haven't taken my meds in a couple days. I told my supervisor that I couldn't work late. I just knew I would make mistakes if I tried. I felt awful leaving while others were still there, but I was miserable.

I am a bit suicidal. I think I am hoping the alcohol will kill me, and that hasn't worked out. I am still so stressed, and I know I need help but don't know what I need. I feel like I should tell someone at work, but I don't want to call attention to myself. I don't want it to be obvious this all relates to drinking. I don't want my work to be questioned. I also don't see a way out. So yeah.. just bad. I did tell my supervisor that Thursday I have appointments so can't work. I know I can't afford to miss therapy right now. I am a mess. Tomorrow I really need to take all of my meds, and I probably need to tell my doctor that I haven't been taking them.

Life is a mess.